Category: mood disorders

a blog about being blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A blog about being blah

I am feeling really depressed and blah today. I woke up late, around 1330. My neck has been hurting me since last night. I put some heat on it while I was having my coffee. It is really warm out today so I was sweating with the heat. I didn’t feel like going out. I don’t feel like doing anything today. I should shower but I don’t even have the energy for that. I still need to do my meds for the week. I’ll do that after I write this blog.

I put in my appointments for the month in my calendar. They are mostly PT appointments. I have a few sessions left and then I am done. She has done as much as she can do for me. I am glad I am not waking up in pain anymore with my shoulder anyway.

“rather die than live in fear”. I got this quote from somewhere, probably Twitter and it has been resonating with me the last few days. It has increased my suicidality. I would rather die than live in fear with my family. The resentment and disrespect is sometimes too much for me. The gender dysphoria sets in and I wonder why I am the way I am. I question who I am and wonder if it is worth it. I just feel so worthless at times that I wonder if it would be better if I was dead.

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be bringing this up to her. I don’t know if we are ever going to start work on the pain workbook or not. Seems to be always something in the way of us getting into it. I am having some serious pain right now in my leg. My ankle and shin hurt so bad. It is getting hard to write. I hate CRPS so much. All it does is take, take, take. I can’t remember the last time I had a day without pain. Now I got the shoulder and neck thing going on for god knows how long. Just something else I got to live with. Been living with this pain for five months now. I think it can be called chronic pain. Just add it to my list of why I should die.

My neck is acting up again. I just took some Zanaflex to calm it down. All my muscles are tense in my shoulder and neck. Stretching my neck from side to side is still hard to do. It hurts so much. I have been trying to keep off my phone so I don’t aggravate it further but it has been hard. I don’t know why the neck has flared up. It takes so much to calm it down and I don’t see my PT till later this week. I have been working really hard with the exercises and stretching that have been given to me. I just can’t seem to calm down the tension in my neck and shoulders. The pain is so bad it depresses me every time because I can’t do much when I hurt. All I do is lay down and stay as still as possible.

Saturday Blog 20032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20032021

I just shaved my head and it feels really good. I didn’t shower because I didn’t feel like it. I will probably shower tomorrow. I haven’t done anything else today. I wanted a bowl of cereal but there is no milk. My sister is at the grocery store shopping. I am glad because I would leave the house to go pick some up at the store.

My back is bothering me today. My sister had me cut up some boxes and it wore me out. I tried napping but didn’t get anywhere. My neck is also stiff and hurts when I move it. I need to put heat on it. I have been bad about using heat the past few days. Part of the problem is that I brought the neck wrap to my room and I keep forgetting to take it with me when I leave for the kitchen.

I woke up several times last night. I kept on having weird dreams about being back in the lab at work. It is so rare for me to sleep through the night. I am just glad I didn’t have to get up to go pee. I did have a full bladder when I got up around 10. The weird part was that even though I was full, I was not getting the urge to pee. Like I knew I had to pee but even though I was uncomfortable, I didn’t want to move and it was ok for me to stay where I was. So weird. I know I am not going to do good on the urodynamic test. I just hope I can pee when they tell me to or they will have to drain me like they did last time. I really hope the urologist doesn’t say I have to cath again because of the retention. I am so nervous about my upcoming appointment on Wednesday.

I am listening to Pearl Jam. I needed some frustration released. I love listening to only three of their albums, Ten, VS, and Lightening Bolt. Such good songs. I really love listening to them when I am in a bad mood.

I found out the Muppet Show is on Disney+ and now I want to watch it. I haven’t seen the episodes since I was a kid. I don’t know if I will actually watch it. I really have to be bored to watch a program. I don’t like watching shows that much anymore. I rather read a book but I currently am not reading anything. I gave up on the Reagan/Gorbachev book I was reading a while back. It was a bore to read. The writer really was dry.

sneeze attack

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sneeze attack

I woke up this morning with a strong urge to pee around 745 so got up and did my business. I was thankful no one was in the bathroom because I don’t think I would have been able to hold it. I came back to my room and took my morning meds. I then went to lay down to go back to sleep when I got a sneeze attack. I must have sneezed like 10 times in a row. It really woke me up so I decided to have coffee. I had my belVita biscuits and my mother called them cookies. I don’t care. I have been eating them nearly every day for weeks now. I have bought different flavors and really love the Golden Oat. They keep me full for a couple of hours before lunch anyway.

Yesterday I didn’t want to do a damn thing but that was not meant to be. I had an early morning bowel accident which caused me to have to shower to get clean. I felt really bad but I just couldn’t hold it as it was such soft stool. I then was in charge of making sure my mother took her walks around the house. She didn’t no matter how much I threatened her. She had her sewing to do and that is all she did.

Today my mother is expecting the home RN and PT to come. I will stay so I know what she hears is what is said. Her blood pressure was on the low side. I hope it improves by the time the nurse gets here. I really don’t want to have her in the hospital again.

I can’t wait to get my haircut next week. The top of my head of hair is so uneven. I want to have it short and spikey. I am hoping to get my haircut after all my appointments next week. I have to go for urodynamic testing and then go for an EKG. I just messaged my psychiatrist to make sure it is ordered so there won’t be a problem. I don’t see it on my upcoming procedures.

I still have not gotten my stimulus money. I wonder if I will get it next week with my SSD payment. I can finally order my groceries from Stop and Shop. Still haven’t decided if I am going to get a new mattress or not. I bought a new foam topper and it works wonderfully. It stays on the bed like it is supposed to.

I am so tired today. All I did was have coffee. I am in pain so that is probably why. My back started hurting while I was taking my mother’s blood pressure. I can’t stand hunched over for too long. My leg is bothering right now. Damn hamstring. I wish I could find a stretch that worked for the pain. I have a couple of tennis balls under my leg right now and that seems to be helping the pain some. I can’t roll it because of the foam topper. I am just glad I have some relief. It is cold today and windy so my room is like 66 degrees. I should shut off the ceiling fan…

Are we out of the woods yet?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Are we out of the woods yet?

Since my first blog, I have been listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t help it. I love this album so much. Each song is catchy and I find myself dancing in my seat. Since the blog I have gone shopping and made myself the steak I bought. I am really more exhausted than I was before I started. I haven’t had time to nap as I have just been reading Twitter. I follow doctors so my TL is filled with the match stuff and of course the tragedy that happened in Atlanta. Funny, I had a bad day yesterday and I didn’t kill anyone. Imagine that. These people will cover white privilege any chance they get. Pisses me off. This was a domestic terrorist attack on Asian Americans.

My back is hurting something awful and it isn’t my lower back this time. My upper back has been cramping since on the walk home. I want to nap so bad. I am debating shaving my head using the electric shaver. I usually don’t do a good job with the shaver like I do with a manual razor. I don’t want to shower because my back will just cramp up more as I try to stand. I am having a low pain day and I don’t want to turn it into a high pain day.

My sister made cookies while I was eating my steak. I am going to sneak downstairs and have some. They are anise cookies, my favorite next to chocolate chips. Did I mention I was tired? I think I am going to be overtired tonight and not be able to sleep. Usually my night meds help tremendously with sleep and I am usually asleep within an hour or two after taking them. I don’t know if they are the reason I am so tired during the day or not. My psychiatrist says because I take it at night it can’t be the culprit so who knows. I am just tired of being tired.