Category: mood disorders

Can’t pass out due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

Saturday Blog 88

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 88

I surprisingly slept through the night, waking up around 0700. I was in pain, of course. I finally went back to sleep around 8 after I took my pain meds. I woke up three hours later with my foot still throbbing away, though at a lower intensity. I made coffee and had the scone that I didn’t eat yesterday. It was good. I wanted to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but I couldn’t find the effort. My mouth is still hurting. I suspect it is going to bother me for at least a week. I have been trying not to eat on that side but it’s hard.

I woke up from a weird dream. It had Chester Bennington in it and I thought the person was going to sing one of Linkin Park’s new songs, One More Light. Instead my brain played Hoobastank’s The Reason. So that song has been in my head all morning.

I read Tom Sawyer while I had my coffee. I read three chapters, maybe four and then decided to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription before I got lazy again. I bought some turkey bacon and wanted to make a sandwich but my foot went berserk when I came home. I will try and make it for dinner. I hope by then my foot calms down.

It’s really muggy outside and the house is worse. It rained this morning and didn’t cool off at all. I hate humidity. I wanted to make ribs but it’s too hot for the oven to be turned on. Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I’m going to try and make them then. The funny thing is, it was cheaper to buy these ribs in the store than online. I saved about a dollar in store versus online. Oh well. I am still making a list of what I need. I got the basics down.

I know it’s Saturday. It feels like this week went by in a blur. I know I slept through most of it because of not sleeping and pain. Next week should be fun. I am going on a Booze Cruise around Boston Harbor. I will have one drink or two and then just enjoy the ride. I am looking forward to it. The proceeds benefit Autism. I will be going with my sister as I didn’t want to go alone.

I’m getting hungry as I didn’t have lunch. I think I will have some cheese with wheat thins.

very tired, weepy, depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Very tired, weepy, depressing day

I woke up around 4 in pain. My jaw hurt and my ankle was berserk. I took some more ibuprofen and pain meds. Luckily, I went back to sleep. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I thought I had snoozed it but I didn’t. My new phone has a lit up screen with the day and time and any notifications. I glared over and saw it was almost 0930. I had to get up, brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I put on deodorant as it was going to be hot today. I then got dressed and was really feeling frustrated that again I got no help when I seeked it.

I had emailed my PCP last night before bed to tell him I was in the ER. I got a response asking if I wanted to be seen and if I did I should call the office. I didn’t feel like being examined again, so I told them I pass and my pain levels were “normal”, whatever that is. I didn’t get a response back so I hope they go away.

I had my espresso and a steak and egg wrap that I like. Unfortunately, chewing was difficult. And it hurt. I tried to eat on my left side but it was hard. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. I bought a scone but I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I saved it for tomorrow. Before I knew it, it was time to see my psych. The train was late. I just made it to my appointment. My psych was getting worried as I am always early. I explained the train was late and so therefore I was. We talked about the ER and she read me the notes. She jokingly said I was aggravated because my BP was up. HAHA. I wasn’t lying about that! The notes said I had diminished sensation on my foot in various parts and decreased range of motion. Tell me something I don’t know. She reassured me that I wasn’t having a recurrence of CES. She said it so sternly that it kind of freaked me out and then I became weepy and annoyed. I started to cry a little. I was really depressed and just wanted my pillow. When I said that she asked if I wanted pills. HAHA no, just my pillow will be fine. We have an appointment next week as then she is on vacation for three weeks. She stressed that someone else would be answering her pager while she was away. I told her I would just email her. Unless I was in dire straights, I don’t think I will page her covering doc.

I left and fell asleep on the train so I missed my stop. Sucks because I missed the bus as well so I had to wait an hour for the next one. I just tried to snooze as I listened to Bon Jovi. I was still weepy and felt relieved I didn’t have CES again. I think that is why I was so tearful. But still, if someone looked at me the wrong way, I was bound to cry, that’s how sensitive I was today.

I came home and my mother said I looked exhausted. I told her I was. I told her I didn’t want anything to eat. She made me a plate and then called three times. I told her my jaw was still hurting and I just needed something soft. I opted to drink an Ensure rather than make boiled eggs. I am hungry but I just don’t feel like aggravating my teeth right now.

I did a dumb thing. Last night I put in a refill for my Zoloft. It was an older prescription but I didn’t see the newer one. In my “history” the refill wasn’t there. That was because there were no more refills and I had just had it filled on Monday. I am a dum dum. I put away the meds that I recently got.

I took 2400 mg of Neurontin to try and sleep. Unfortunately, my neighborhood had other plans. There were sounds of hammering and other construction noises. Every time I tried to relax to sleep, some noise woke me up. I was so annoyed. I eventually fell asleep. Now I am feeling groggy and foggy. I took my night time meds plus my pain meds and ibuprofen. I think ibuprofen and I are going to be friends for a while. The dentist was concerned because the novacaine numbed the right side of my nose. He called me this morning to see how I was. I called back when I shuffled around trying to wake up. I told him I was fine, sore but fine. I was kind of nervous though because while I was eating my wrap, I felt like sand was in my mouth. I hope a filling didn’t come out. I was too tired to go back to the office to get checked out. I will be back in two weeks for another filling so I will have him check it then, unless it hurts really bad or something.

I talked to my psych about my therapist and the coordinator for the pain group. I told her I am still looking for another therapist but haven’t had any luck yet. I jokingly said I must be on some kind of blacklist. HAHA. She said no. She did find it odd that no one called me back. I hope to hear from them within a week or so. Otherwise, I will try another place. Until then I will continue to see the nail picker. I am going to try and ask him if he is mocking me or just throwing things out there to show he is listening but not offer any advice to help me. I really don’t feel a connection to him. He is just there for me to ramble but that is not what I want. I want someone that is caring and is willing to help me find new ways in dealing with my problems. I thought that was what therapy was all about, not just rambling on about shit.

I kind of got suicidal when I got home. It was just passing thoughts but I just wished I was dead. I feel nothing inside that makes me feel alive. I am in so much physical pain all the time, it’s just draining the life from me. Like is this how I am supposed to live the rest of my life?? I know suffering is part of life but must it happen on a daily basis? I cried when I was in my room as I thought about this stuff. I couldn’t help it. I hate feeling miserable. I rather feel nothing or depressed. I am just tired of fighting all the time. I don’t get a break from it. It’s going to kill me eventually. I will be another Chester Bennington, but a no name.

dental appointment and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dental appointment and other things

I had my cavities filled. There were two that needed them. The third is just being watched as the prescription toothpaste seems to be helping it. I am still numb and am slowly getting feeling back. I had a frozen dinner for supper because it was soft. I can only chew on my left side right now because my right is still numb. I have to go back in two weeks because I have another cavity on my left side but it is small. At this point, I just want to get it over with so I will have it done and then come back in 6 months for a cleaning. I will try to be better at brushing my teeth. It isn’t always easy because I lack the motivation to brush because of pain or depression that I feel.

My ankle is really hurting but because I am still having difficulty swallowing, I can’t take any meds at this time. I am going to try though in about a half hour. The dentist asked what I wanted to be called and I told him G. He then asked what pronoun and I said he. He was very accepting about it. I was so happy. It was a relief.

I am very tired as I had taken some Ativan to relax me for the procedure. I still wasn’t as relaxed as I thought I would be. Some of the shavings or whatever you want to call them, fell in the back of my throat and caused me to choke. The stupid assistant was not good with the suction thing. Now that the stress of it is over, I just want to sleep. But it’s too early to. I hope I don’t catch my second wind later.

I was able to shower even though my back didn’t like it at all. It cramped soon as I got in. Saves me from having to take one tomorrow as I need to be up early. I have an early appointment with my psych. I think it will be our last appointment for this month as she is taking a three week vacation. I think it starts next week, but I could be wrong. I’ll find out tomorrow. She will still have access to her email. I just won’t be able to page her because her beeper will be signed out to her boss.

I still haven’t heard from the therapy center. I sent them two requests. I am going to give them another week and see what happens. I’ve done all I can but camp out at their office. If I don’t hear from them by the end of next week, I will move on to someone else. Who that will be, I have no fricken clue. A friend gave me a referral network number so I think I will call and see if I get anywhere. It might be worth a shot.