Category: mood disorders

Friday nights

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday nights

For the past month or so, my cousins on my father’s side get together for a zoom call. It has been fun and a way to pass the boredom. We had over 40 minutes for the first call and then after it we got 40 which kind of sucked but we made do. I was in charge of the meetings but because of my current problem with my back, my cousin took it over. I am relieved as now she has the responsibility of it. LOL.

Today has been a not so great day. I’ve had side effects from the Invega for most of the day. It really sucked because I had to take meds that made me sleepy so I slept most of the day. It was all I could do. I guess it was good as I needed the rest. My back is spazzing periodically right now. It is driving me crazy. I already took my meds so there is nothing I can do about it.

A friend texted me tonight and asked how I was doing. I told her and we talked for a bit. I have been friends with her for the last several years. She just got diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel bad and hope I don’t lose her as she has the advance types. She is a good friend of mine and I would hate to lose her. But it sounds like chemo is working and surgery is coming so hopefully things will be better after surgery.

I really need to get back in the habit of washing my face. I am getting little breakouts of zits and I don’t like it. It is hard to get rid of the suckers. Sometimes they go away on their own but most of the time they are too small to break or in a position that isn’t good to “pop”. I hate when that happens. Only reason I haven’t been washing is because my back keeps cramping while standing. I can either brush my teeth or wash and I choose to brush my teeth. I don’t know what will make the cramps go away. I think I need PT but with the spinal leak, I can’t be moving around so much. Just sucks right now. I wish I could have the wipes or something but they are so expensive and not really made for acne. Just for washing off make up. I use the spot treatment for the zits sometimes but it takes some remembering to use it.

It was warm today and because of the pressure changing we are having thunderstorms right now with gusty winds. There is a tornado warning in effect for western Mass. Hope there is no tornado. I hate the destruction they cause. I am so hot in my room because the ceiling fan only does so much. I don’t think I am going to sleep very well because I have to sleep in a cool room. I might have to take some clothes off, lol.

you deserve to be treated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You deserve to be treated

Those were the parting words of my therapist today after we talked about how my father said that I gotta die when I am sick. We deduced that he is flawed and not mental as she couldn’t know him. He died four years ago, long before she was my therapist. I know he was narcissistic and a pathological liar. I should have known he was lying but when your 11, you tend to believe your parents and what they say. You really don’t know if they are lying and even if they are, you can’t prove it. You were always told to respect your parents and that is what you did, no matter how wrong it seemed.

We also talked about my suicidality. She brought it up. I was going to but didn’t really want to. She asked what I was going to do if the feelings came up again over the weekend and I said I would cope like I usually do. That was the wrong answer as she shook her head. I don’t know why but apparently calling a hotline is the answer. I don’t think so but whatever. Sometimes it is good to call one but most of the time I just don’t have the patience to wait for someone to connect on the line. Even texting can be a pain as you wait for someone, especially during “peak” hours. Most of the time I get annoyed and then hang up or text cancel or stop. I am usually too agitated to stay on the line.

I had my meeting with my pcp. It went well but I didn’t ask for a pain med increase. It was on my mind but I was too chicken to ask. He asked a few times if there was anything I needed from him but I just couldn’t bring it up. He doesn’t want me to be on the meds to begin with and I find that it hinders my conversation about my meds. But the fact of the matter is I have pain and until that is dealt with on some level, I need to be on the meds that I am on. I can’t just stop taking it because he doesn’t want me on them. He does want me to go to the pain clinic for an evaluation, just to talk. But because of Covid, making an appointment is hard. I don’t know if I would be seen in a timely manner if at all at this point. I know once places reopen it might be better to call and ask for an appointment. Sucks because I got the ride now to take me there. I have it for another few months and then I will have to reapply for assistance. I don’t know if I will get a letter or not. I just need to be aware of the time frame. I only got six months because of my surgery. I don’t know if it will be longer when I reapply.

psych related day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Psych related day

I had therapy this morning. I woke up too late to have a chance to make tea or coffee. The session went okay. I told her of my suicidal plans and what was causing me to be suicidal. She kept on saying that there was something different and she wanted to know what that was. I had no clue what she was talking about. I didn’t feel different. She encouraged me to ask my pcp when I meet with him in seeing if there is something different we can try to alleviate my pain. I am nervous about meeting with him. I usually have a hard time asking for what I need. I might not ask just see where he is at and see where the conversation leads us. I know he is going to want me to see a pain clinic outside of Boston. He referred me there before but I wasn’t able to get there because of transportation issues. Now with Covid, I am not sure I will even get an appointment as a new patient.

In the afternoon, I met with my psychopharm. She felt bad that she isn’t able to do anything for me. Such a contrast with my therapist. She (psychopharm) was telling me I was resilient and inspiring. I don’t get that from my therapist at all. I don’t know why she doesn’t say those things.

After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my steroids. I was hesitant to start it because it was so late in the day but I figure two doses is better than none. I might set the alarm for 3 or 4 am so I can take the third dose of the day and then start the day with new dose but we’ll see. I am not looking forward to disrupting my sleep.

I am having a hard time writing today. I just can’t seem to get with it. Just like therapy. Maybe there is a connection. I don’t know. I guess a little over 300 words is enough for today. I am in pain and I just can’t seem to ignore it. I hate when it bothers me so much.

hearing the rain come down

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hearing the rain come down

It is pouring rain right now and I have my window open listening to it. Such a soothing sound. I hope I don’t have to close my window. I guess if the wind shifts I might have to but right now I can keep it open. I turned off the music so I could listen to it. It’s not every day that you have rain come down like this.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds today. It was exhausting but I did it. This was before the rain had come down. It was nice out, just sprinkles of rain here and there, nothing like what is happening now. I am glad I missed the rain. I hate walking in the rain all wet. I called my neurosurgeon today but didn’t hear back from him. I guess he does want me to have another trial of steroids as he called it in to the pharmacy. I just got a text saying my prescription was ready. I will get it tomorrow after therapy.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. I am kind of nervous about it because I told my therapist she should be asking me about my suicidality. The gears have been turning again and I found myself planning so I let her know that she should be asking about my suicidality. She doesn’t ask, it just gives me more planning ideas. I already have the means to end it. I just need a date to do it.

As I am a lover of pens, there was an ad on facebook and Instagram on pens that were made using the barrels of whiskey. It could be Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam, or Jack Daniels. I chose Jack Daniels and got the pen engraved with my name on it. I figure if I am still here, for now, I might as well have something to commemorate it. So I bought the pen. It is my most expensive pen that I own but it was worth it. It writes well and has the kind of point I love in a ballpoint pen. The top is heavier than the bottom. I don’t like that aspect of it but I guess the mechanism is heavy. I really like this pen. It will not replace my other pens that I love but I will use it like I do when I am looking for something special to write.

I have two appointments tomorrow both are psych related. The first one is with my therapist and the second is with my psychopharm. My first double appointment day in some time. Later this week, I see my PCP. I am not looking forward to that appointment because I have to ask him for a med increase with my pain meds. I hate asking for things. I feel like I don’t deserve it. It was something my father had always said to me when I got sick. He didn’t want to buy the cough medicine or fever medicine so he would say I gotta die because it was my fault I got sick. Every time I got sick, he would tell me this until my mother begged him for money to get the medicine we needed to get better. He was really stingy when it came to money. He felt like it was all his and screw the money for medicine that we needed to survive the flu or cold we were suffering from. It was his joke. I realized then my father didn’t care for my life. As long as he had money in his pocket, that was all he cared about.