don’t call me daughter 4

Don’t call me daughter 4

My family had dinner at my house. We had lasagna that my mother made. It was going good. Then after dinner we just sat around chatting. That when someone said something about my haircut and my mother shrieked and said I was hideous. She couldn’t stand to look at me. And she kept calling me a her. That triggered my suicidal tendencies.

I felt like coming out as most of the family was around. I knew I would have the support of my sisters. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I would just leave and never come back. I would have grabbed my lethal bottle of pills along with my other pills so I don’t throw them up and make it to my suicide spot to have it over and done with.

I still am feeling hurt hours later. I felt like talking to my sister but I know she would just say that I should just “let it go”. How can I when you own mother tells you to your face you are hideous because of your military haircut? I get no support from her at all. This just seals the icing on the cake.

I so badly wanted to correct my sister and mother when they were calling me “she” and “her”. I felt so hurt. The pain was so indescribable that I could feel it and not feel it at the same time. I was just shocked because she said it in front of my sisters, my brother in law, and my nephew. I don’t remember if my little niece was there or not. My mother actually shivered in disgust as she talked about how hideous I looked with my haircut.

I love my haircut and I think I will continue to get this cut every time I go to the barber, if I don’t end up killing myself within the next week or so. I have never felt so ashamed to be my mother’s child as I did last night. I am her first born and to be treated this way, just kills me inside.

My physical pain has taken on it’s life on its own. I have had severe pain the last three days. It starts in my foot and then travels to my ankle. I am getting more and more reliant on my strong pain pill, which is just causing havoc with my bowels. And when you have a nerve injury, things don’t move the way they should anyway. Constipation makes it worse. I have been having to push so much that at times I feel like I am going to pass out. It fucking sucks. It’s only putting more nails in my coffin.

If the weather wasn’t supposed to be so shitty today, I would attempt to end my life. I had emailed my psychiatrist that I wished I was never born. I also posted it on social media and I got the typical “you shouldn’t say that”. Why the fuck not?? It’s my fucking life. You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know the hell my mother is putting me through. Would it be better if I just died by suicide?? I think it would be. I am tired of living anyway. I have nothing worth living for. I am disabled and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can no longer work or even go to school, mostly because I don’t make the money to go. It’s hard to come up with or save $1200 for one college class on disability. It makes me sad that my dream of just even getting my bachelor’s degree is stuck. Looking back, I should have gone to UMB to get my degree rather than an Associate’s. But what is done is done.

a gem found

hi guys,

I didn’t realize I gave my former therapist a paper I wrote during my sophomore year (circa 1992) in high school. I was reading it and I think I am going to type it up for a blog but edit out parts of it as it’s really detailed to where I grew up, unless you guys want me to put that stuff in there. I will have to edit names for confidentiality reasons.

I am wicked busy tomorrow so I will type it up either Friday or this weekend. It’s in my handwriting in block letters. That is how I wrote back then, different from what it is today and with blue ink! I primarily use black ink today.

It talks about my old dreams. I had to put it down because it brought back some strong memories. This was before I was diagnosed with psychosis a few months later and making my first suicide attempt 2 months after I wrote it. A lot of my childhood is written in there, where I am not comfortable sharing because it brings back such strong memories of the way things were and they were tough days. My father was a true bastard and I held him on a pedestal for a long time until I found out just how rotten he was. I lost my faith, love, and respect for the guy in certain ways. I never believed a word he said after what I found out. I doubt that the guy loved anyone but himself more than anything in the world. I don’t write about this in my paper, least I don’t think I did. I had to stop at page 7 and it’s 12 pages long. I got an A on it.

Review: ASAD, Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

Review ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

This article was written earlier this year and I was able to get it to evaluate it. The following are my thoughts about it:

Suicide affects over 800,000 people worldwide but there is not much in terms of preventing death by suicide or attempts. Risk factors mostly focus on suicide ideation. Even though the DSM 5 has created a SBD (suicidal behavior disorder), it is something to be explored but not a full diagnosis. The authors of this article have proposed the diagnosis of Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance because it is a relatively immediate response to stress or some other factor. The criteria is:

• A geometric increase in suicidal intent over the course of hours or days, as opposed to weeks or months
• One of both of the following: marked social alienation (e.g., severe social withdrawal, disgust with others, perceptions that one is a burden on others) or marked self-alienation (e.g., self-disgust, perceptions that one’s psychological pain is a burden)
• Perceptions that the foregoing are hopelessly intractable
• Two or more manifestations of overarousal (i.e., agitation, insomnia, nightmares, irritability)

All four criteria must be present for a diagnosis and must not be the direct result of an exasperation of a mood disorder or substance use. I am guessing this means that a mixed state would exclude the diagnosis. I also wrote to the primary author, Megan Rogers, to find out if a medical condition would be exclusionary, such as a chronic pain condition, but it hasn’t been established.

Exclusionary criteria for the studies were active psychotic symptoms, imminent danger to self or others, and unmedicated bipolar spectrum disorders.

343 outpatients from a university-affiliated clinic were enrolled in the study. Various measures were used to assess anxiety, depression, suicide ideation, anger, dream activity, etc. 7,698 inpatients were enrolled in the second part of the study. Measures were a little different than the outpatient sample, as the SSF-II (Suicide Status Form) was used to measure ASAD symptoms as opposed to the Beck Scale for Suicide Ideation. The SSF-II has a good validity rate (Jobes et.al., 1997). Other measures were length of stay (mean 7.54 days, SD 6.41), PHQ-9, and past suicide attempts.
The statistics of the tables were confusing to me as I am not a stats person so I can’t really interpret the results. The discussion had good markers for ASAD being a diagnosis and I went from there. One take away was that ASAD was associated with numerous psych disorders but was not redundant in association to suicide risk. It was related to past suicide attempts above and beyond symptoms of depression, which I think is important. Depression symptoms only tell one side of the story and not all people with depression are suicidal or have thoughts of suicide.

As with this being relatively new, more research is needed in multiple areas to ascertain whether this can be a useful diagnosis in the management of suicidal behaviors or even to prevent suicide. The authors did note that once ASAD is established, good safety planning is necessary to monitor suicidality throughout the course of treatment. This is important in all therapeutic endeavors when dealing with suicidal individuals, even if the episode has passed. A tailor made plan must be made, not a “one size fits all” model.

Acute Suicidal affective disturbance: Factorial structure and initial validation across psychiatric outpatient and inpatient samples. Rogers,M. Chiurliza, B. Hagan, CR. Tzoneva, M., Hames, JL., Michaels, MS., Hitchfield, MJ., Palmer, BA., Lineberry, TW.,Jobes, DA., Joiner, TE. Journal of Affective Disorders 211 (2017) 1-11

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