Category: writing

unbearable psychache

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Been having a hard time the last few hours. I really want to do some self-harm. I just am disgusted with myself for some reason and want to cut. I feel like I should be doing something but what I should be doing I have no idea.

I have been also feeling a lot of psychache. Every time I feel it I feel like I have to do something self-destructive. I don’t know why I get this way. It’s not like anything happened. I have been listening to Gary Allan and playing my games. I had breakfast and wanted to get back to sleep. My back is bothering me because it’s thirteen degrees out. I thought I would go out but it’s too cold. I hate getting all bundled up just to mail a letter.

My breasts have been bothering me so maybe that is the problem. They are extremely itchy because of dry skin and the cold. I hate it. I hate my chest things with a despicable passion. I just can’t stand how my body is and there is no way I can like it until the things are chopped off. I am starting to save my money so I can get the operation. I figure by the time I get that much money saved, I might be on hormone replacement therapy. I am trying but it’s not easy. I really know I should meet with the special docs that deal with this stuff and maybe my menses would really stop. It’s been a month and a half that I have been dealing with this and I am not liking it!!! I have to wear female underwear because the pads don’t fit well in my boxers. It is so depressing and demoralizing. Just another way for my stupid body to remind me that I am not who I am. I just want to cry.

I haven’t told any other family members about me wanted to be who I am. I just can’t seem to bring myself to tell my mother or my other sister. I am just afraid that I will become suicidal as the sister I told had some reservations about this. It’s making me suicidal anyway. I just am so tired of fighting who I am not. The struggle is unbearable. If I could I would just stab myself right now. That is how bad I feel but the stupid breast would probably get in the way and I would just cause tissue damage than any organ damage. My life just sucks…

International calls and PTSD

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Had an interesting day today. I wanted to talk to my friend in England so I made the phone call, except I could only talk for 5 mins!! I was like WTF because I pay extra to be able to call internationally on my phone. SO I call sprint and everything seems to be in order on their end. The guy then transfers me to the international section of Sprint. Turns out that because my phone is a Google phone and Google voice is on, that was the problem, I think. I won’t be able to call my friend until tomorrow night to see if this works. This sucks but I have a therapy appt in a half hour so don’t want to be on the phone too long.

I rewarded myself with getting my Claddaugh ring fixed and sized the right size. I picked it up yesterday. Luckily it was just under $300 USD. The most I have ever spent on myself outside of electronics such as laptops. The reason it cost so much was because I had the shank fixed as well. I LOVE it! It fits so nice and I miss wearing a ring.

I have been stressed the past few days because of financial reasons. I have to call to work out a plan with my student loans before they garnish my SSD check. I am so worried they are going to leave me with nothing. I so wanted to save up for a car this year but doesn’t look like that is going to be likely. I need to be able to pay the cable bill, my mother for the mortgage, and my cell phone bill. I also NEED to have money for my “crack” Starbucks coffee but I can do without as I can go several days without needing it. But when I want it, I want it dammit. It is the only JOY I have in my life is that one cup of coffee a day.

I still have my fucking menses that are just driving me beserk. I was supposed to call the repro-endo doc today but never got the chance as I was lazy when I woke up this morning. It is still cold out, not as cold as it was yesterday but still cold and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out. I had some mail to mail so I said the hell with it and went out. Sometime I just need to push myself. But while I was walking it felt like I was walking in mud. I hate that feeling more than anything. Some days I feel like I am light as air and other days I am walking with cement shoes on my feet. I don’t get it. I also had another damn problem with my fucking pain medication. Doc wrote for extra so in case I need them, I have them. Well the way he wrote it is only for a month supply only and the pharmacy won’t give me this extra! ARGH!!!! I am so fucking pissed off because last month he said he was going to change the prescription to 1-2 tabs a day and this month he didn’t. I am so pissed off right now. I just hope I don’t have any pain flair ups that necessitate me needing more than what I have. I am like so terrified of getting flare ups. It really activates my PTSD. I start having flashbacks of what it was like having CES all over again and then the surgery and all that I went through to get to where I am today. Not that I am 100% better, I am not. But at least I am not walking with a walker or cane all the time. It kills me when I see an old person with a walker when I am on the bus. It just reminds me how lucky I am that my doctors knew what I had. Some people that have CES or Cauda Equina Syndrome weren’t so lucky and have to use a cane or walker to get around. Some are worse off and can’t walk at all and need a wheelchair because their legs are so weak.

Whenever I get a pain flare up I tend to go into flashback mode. It is not a pleasant experience. I remember things that have happened in the past as if it were happening today. I get anxious and nervous. I start worrying. It is the worst feeling in the world. And then I want to get rid of the pain. If the pain meds don’t work, I usually want to cut. Cut off the affected limb so I am no longer in pain. Or just stab myself to relief the pain. I know that doesn’t make sense but it is what runs through my head during these times. It is awful. And I can’t usually move during these flare ups. I am incapacitated. I can just barely move enough to down some pills and hope it take away my misery. I hate being bedridden with this type of pain. I always keep my cell phone handy just in case I need to call someone and have them help me. Because my mother is deaf and with my closed bedroom door she is not going to hear me nor does she have the mobility to go up the stairs and help me, but at least she is someone I can call in case of emergency.

Barrel of Life

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Just put me in a barrel and let me roll with life. It’s not always a bad thing but the key is that I can’t always control it!
I don’t know why I found this statement touching. I just feel like it’s so true. How many times have we wished we could just roll in a barrel and see where it takes us. As much as we want to control our lives sometimes we can’t. It’s like Carrie Underwood’s song, “Jesus take the wheel”. We are in a situation that we can’t control so we put it in a higher power’s hands as we go down the road in a car that is spinning out of control on black ice.

Today I have some difficult decisions to make over the next few days but one thing that keeps on coming back to me as an option is killing myself because I just can’t control the barrel anymore. Things from my past keep coming up and I hope that once I deal with it I will be able to have better control but a part of me just wants to end it because that is the easier way out of it. I won’t have to deal with anything if I am dead. But I am trying to make mends so that doesn’t happen. My back up plan on life will always be there, I just have no control over the thoughts that lead me down that road…

football and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I decided to take a break from writing yesterday. I was hyped up on watching football all days so couldn’t really think about what I wanted to say.

My mood has been slightly better over the last few days. I am not thinking constantly of suicide but still have the depressed mood. Last night my leg was acting up and I thought I was going to have a long and painful night but soon as I took my sock off, the pain and pressure dissipated. Leg is still a little sore this morning but nothing compared to last night.

Yes, I was watching the Pats against the Ravens last night. Though after halftime it was more like the Ravens against nobody. The Pats just could not get to the Ravens’s Quarterback and so he was making all kinds of first downs leading to touchdowns, which made me very unhappy. After the fumble in the 4th quarter and the Ravens got the ball, I knew the game was done. Cooked, over. Patriots didn’t want to win and showed no sign they wanted this game. Despite Brady making all kind of NFL records, he lost. I just can’t believe it. The game truly sucked and I am at a loss for words…

On another note yesterday my niece brought me coffee. She was supposed to get me Blue Java but I think the barista gave her Blue Mountain instead as it tasted stronger and heavier than my Java. I can’t drink strong coffee. I like a mild to medium coffee. I will make my Java today and see if it comes out the same but I doubt it. I know my coffees!

The kids have the day off today because of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday. I like it when they are off because I get to see them more. Keeps reinforcing my reasons for living.

My other blog goes live today. I am really nervous about it because it is a national organization for suicide prevention and training. It is a new newsletter blog that started last week and my story is going up today. It is at http://www.suicidology.org/AAS-blog. The blog is for suicide attempt survivors and the intention is to provide support and a voice to those that have tried, so hopefully they won’t try again. I feel like a hypocrite with this because of my varying levels of suicidality at times. Most people attempt and they forget about it in time. I have not and still want to take my life but I like I said in an earlier paper, I lost my lethality. Right now unless the wish fairies or a genie comes out of the bottle, I doubt I would get my wish to die to come true.