Tag: baseball

Throb Throb Throb goes my ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Throb throb throb goes my ankle

My night would not be complete unless my ankle and foot are throbbing like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow. And right on cue, I can not sleep because of the throbbing. My day was going just fine. I was settling into my bed. Closed the light. Was nice and comfy when the throbbing came out of no where and boom my foot explodes in pain. I go through this rigmarole every goddamned night.

Tonight I got really angry, like punch a wall angry. I didn’t have a pleasant evening. A friend came over my house to watch the game. Least that is what I was intending to do. He didn’t shut up the entire 8 innings he watched. And he wasn’t talking about the game. He kept on saying shit pickle, in a joking voice because the announcer was saying something about being in a pickle. It was hard trying to pay attention to the game and listen to my friend ramble on and on. It didn’t help that my team was losing, came ahead, lost the lead and then finally gave up. I really couldn’t wait for the game to end because I wanted to shower really bad. I was sweating up a storm as the house was so hot.

Now I am freezing my assets off and loving it. My stomach didn’t like the food I was eating but then it didn’t really start bothering me until after I took my night meds, which is like eating a meal in and of itself. I feel so bloated, which also isn’t helping me go to sleep along with the throbbing of my ankle and foot. I wasn’t angry that my friend talked a lot during the game. I am angry because I am in fucking pain, yet again, for the umpteenth night in a row. I can’t take it anymore.

I seriously want to end my life. And if I had a car, I would do it, right now. I would drive to where I want to end it. Take the pills and hope it’s enough to kill me. Is it bad that I dream of that day when I do do this? Even if I don’t have a car, I can walk to my destination. I don’t know if it will kill me but then once I get there, I will be dead. There won’t be any going back. And the throb throb throb of my ankle will be but a memory.

I know there will be people that will miss me and I am sorry to hurt you all but I can’t live like this anymore. My life is nothing but pain and anguish and tonight it’s killing me to breathe. I have a weight on my chest that no one can see or feel or touch. It’s called psychache and it hurts really bad, more than the throbbing in my ankle sometimes.

I got so angry tonight that I wanted to cry. I don’t think I have ever felt so bullshit angry before because I am in pain. I have taken my pills. I honestly couldn’t remember if I took them or not. Then I remembered that it was hours ago that I took them, which is why I am in pain now. I hate when I don’t get ahead of the pain. I think that I can last a few hours without taking a pill. Sometimes, I really think I can just stand the pain. Not tonight though. Tonight it’s just awful like it’s every night at this time. Just before bed it’s just at it’s worse and no one can tell me why that is. It doesn’t bother me during the day. Only before bed, right when I want to sleep the devil comes out and my ankle and foot explodes in agony. This is why I have every right to die. Doesn’t matter that I have pills to take the pain away. That isn’t the point. The point is that I shouldn’t be in pain, period. But I am. And I just can’t accept that is the way my life is anymore. It’s too great a burden to bear.

made it out for coffee and pizza

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Made it out for coffee and pizza

I woke up in time to catch the next bus to the square, though my uncle saw me at the bus stop and offered me a ride. That was so nice of him. It was really muggy today. There were hardly any seats at Starbucks when I got there. I had a double shot of espresso over ice and then added soy milk. It’s better than spending $4 for a soy latte. My friend told me about this and I have been drinking it when I don’t have my cold brewed coffee. I wanted to read some psych today but I just couldn’t get in the mood to read. I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair so I just decided to write in my journal until the next bus home came.

I got my prescription filled and ran my mother’s errand. She called me on the bus ride home. I wasn’t too hungry when I got home and then I did so I ordered a pizza. I didn’t feel like having it delivered so I just took a walk and picked it up. I was sweating bullets by the time I came back home with the hot pizza. I had two slices and then I was full. I plan on having more tonight for dinner. I can eat pizza the whole day. It’s one of my favorite foods.

I paged my psych to tell her how things are going. I am still waiting to hear back from her. I hope the talk goes well and doesn’t end up with me going to the psych ER. The voices have been fairly under control with taking 8 mg of trilafon. I have been keeping the 4 mg doses apart and it seems to be working well. Sometimes you just got to play a little to know what works. It’s always a trial and error when using psych medications. Thing is, remembering to take it. I took the dose before I left the house because going on the bus and train sometimes causes me to get agitated. It can be a little sedating but I had the coffee so it perked me up.

Baseball game is on tonight. They are playing the Skankees. They suck more than we do so I hope we win. They are playing in NY, which I am sure is more humid than Boston right now. I hope the second half of baseball goes smoothly for my guys. It’s been a rough start but we are still only two games back from 1st place.

I feel like making coffee even though I just had a cup. I try not to have more than one cup of coffee a day because I can get agitated and that is the last thing I need right now. I sometimes will have two cups but only if they are spaced out so not to give me the jitters. I don’t know why I crave a second cup of coffee lately. I am just afraid it will mess with my sleep if I do have it.

My psych got back to me. She is glad she heard from me. She is okay with the 8 mg but would like me to go back down if I can. I really don’t want to because things were pretty scary with just taking the 4 mg.

It’s going to be a long, sad week

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis, sports

It’s going to be a long sad week

The All Star Game is this week, which means there won’t be regular baseball games, at all. My team won’t be playing again till Friday. I hate this week because I love baseball so much. I don’t know what I am going to do in the evenings. Tomorrow is the game. I will probably watch some of it. There are five Sox players on the team. Originally, there was supposed to be six but a player got hurt. He will be out for the next six weeks or so.

I have been sleeping most of the morning, despite my damn phone going off. I had like 4-5 people call me, which is kind of unheard of as my phone never rings. I didn’t recognize the numbers so I just let them go to voicemail. No one left me a message so it must not have been an important phone call.

I got up around 1400 to make coffee. I am not really hungry, though I had some watermelon and half a cookie. After I finish my coffee, I might make something to eat. I am thinking scrambled eggs with cheese. I haven’t had that in a long time. I usually just make boiled eggs but I am not feeling like making that today.

It’s warm today and muggy. I have the AC going to cool down my room. I don’t think I will be going out today. I have to go out tomorrow as I have an appointment with my NP for my pain management. I was supposed to see her Friday but she will be leaving Boston so I see her tomorrow. I hope it’s not permanently. I really like her.

I am feeling kind of anxious. I don’t know why. It could be the coffee. I haven’t taken my dose of trilafon yet. I’m waiting for the coffee to wake me up a little bit. I don’t know why I have been so drowsy the last few days. It is unusual for me to sleep all morning. I guess I am wicked tired. Last night, I was struggling to stay awake. Then when I went to lie down, I woke up. Pissed me off. When I got up, I read some more Harry Potter. I have about 10 chapters left. I figure if I read 2-3 chapters a day, I might finish this week. I know it sounds easier written than done but it’s what I am hoping. This book has been on my list since February. Once I finish it, I plan on moving on to “A Cuckcoo’s Calling”. It’s another book written by JK Rowling but under her Pen Name. She has three books in this series, if I like the book, I will buy the other two.

Once I finish Harry, I plan on digging out Alexander Hamilton’s book. That is a book I started a few years ago. I kind of got busy as I dropped it and never picked it back up. It is a very dense book and kind of hard to read. You really need to pay attention to what you are reading as it’s very easy to lose your place. It is interesting. I think I left off with Alexander’s early adulthood in St. Croix. I could be wrong as it’s been a long while since I looked at the book. The author doesn’t leave much to stop in the chapters. It just rattles on and on. I hate books like that.

Seeing as my evenings will be free for most of the week, I guess I can fill it with reading time. I still have the psychology book that I started. That book is reserved for Starbucks reading though. I feel like a student when I read that book at the coffee shop. It’s also a big book so it will take me the summer to read it. I am hoping to read more of it while my therapist is on vacation next month. It will be a good distraction.

Friday Voting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday voting

I spent most of the day voting to try and get my favorite second baseman into the All Star Game Tuesday. You could have voted via text, website, or Twitter. I mostly used text and Twitter because it was easier than registering my email address every time I opened a browser. And since I had a pop up virus of some sort on my phone, I haven’t been too keen on using the web browser. Results will be some time later today, I think. Hope all the texts helped him.

I saw my psychiatrist today and she is okay with me using the trilafon because it is helping me. I told her there will be days where I might have to take 8 mg because of agitation and stuff. Today I didn’t take it and was really agitated and psychotic after my appointment. I didn’t take any with me, which I guess I am going to have to start doing.

We talked about baseball while I was there. I told her my opinion on our “ace” pitcher. I think he is a loser and a player, not really sincere at all. He hasn’t pitched too well in his last three starts. I really cannot stand him. And the Sox are paying him over $30 million a year for him for the next three years. I told her I was voting for Pedroia, our second baseman. She really likes him.

I had some time to kill after I came home and was waiting for the bus. I decided to get a sandwich that I love at the Au Bon Pain. I saw they had red velvet cookies so decided to get a couple with the sandwich. I had it for dessert after dinner. I wasn’t crazy about it. It had white chocolate chips and I am not a white chocolate lover. It was okay but definitely would not be buying them again.

My sister asked me to babysit tonight. I told her yes. I was going to take a shower but now I don’t think I am going to. It’s kind of cold and there is no heater in the bathroom because it’s broken. My brother-in-law still hasn’t fixed it, though he keeps saying he will. I honestly don’t think he will until his garden is over with. He spends a lot of time in the backyard during the summer months. It’s his stress reliever.

I finally finished “A Common Struggle” yesterday morning. It is a good book, if you like hearing about how a Kennedy deals with his addictions and mental illness. He fought so that we would have equality among mental illness and addictions to be treated the same as physical illnesses. The problem is, there just isn’t money out there for the mental health budget as it’s the first thing they close. Or there just isn’t enough clinicians out there to treat the high number of patients who wait for months to years for a therapist or psychiatrist. From what I gathered on Twitter, psychiatry is not as popular a specialty as it once was. I have no idea if this is because residency programs are shutting down or what. One of my friends, who’s psychiatrist retired, was seeing a nurse practitioner and then she left her. I know it’s a harrowing specialty but why be a psychiatric specialist if you aren’t going to stay there. Granted more people have chronic illness as well as psych illness these days than ever. Even my psychiatrist was asking me how I keep all my meds straight as I am on so many. The only one they didn’t have on my med list today was the sertraline. She had to add it, again, with the right dose this time. Now I have plenty of it as the pharmacy accepted the script. It’s kind of odd because I just filled it last week. I have no idea how my insurance paid for it but it did. It’s only odd because they wouldn’t allow the trilafon to go through last week when my doc sent it. I had to pay out of pocket for it just to get fourteen pills.

My ankle is starting to hurt but I can’t take any pain meds because I am babysitting soon. I think I am going to try and see if my niece wants to watch the Labyrinth with me. If not, I will just watch it on my laptop. I am kind of scared to watch it only because as a kid I was scared of the movie. I hope now that I am an adult (or try to act like one anyways 😉 I can watch it.