Tag: bipolar disorder

back to therapy and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to therapy and other things

I had a rough night sleeping because of pain. I woke up a few times, which I didn’t like as it took me a while to get back to sleep. My med alarm went off at 0845 and I didn’t want to wake up after I shut the damn thing off. I took my meds and some how the new med didn’t go down. I choked on it and it was nasty. I played with my phone for a bit. It was cold and snowing but it didn’t appear to be sticking, which was good. By the time I decided to make something to eat, the snow had stopped.

My mother was in the kitchen, waiting for the visiting nurse to see her. I made an egg Mcmuffin. After I finished eating, I decided to make coffee as I was feeling out of it. I got up and a wave of dizziness hit me. I had to hold on to the chair to keep myself from falling down. I turned the water on the kettle and sat back down. I broke out in a cold sweat and didn’t feel good at all. The dizziness went away but I was still feeling queasy. I made my coffee and drank it in the kitchen. I used the last of my Hawaiian coffee. It was good, though I spilled coffee again. I think the lid must not be on right or something.

I went upstairs to my room and laid down. I set my alarm so I didn’t go into a deep sleep. It was only for an hour and a half or so. The alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up or move. I felt a little better than I did. I stayed in bed for another half hour and then got dressed. The temp was supposed to get up to 23 but it never did. Think the highest it went up was 19. I left for the bus stop and the bus came within 9 minutes, a record. I was still debating on what to get at Starbucks. I walked in and found a chair. I decided on a mocha and a doughnut. I brought my own mug as I am trying to go green this year. The mocha I had with whole milk as their 2% sometimes upsets my stomach for some reason. I had no problems. I wrote in my journal until around 1500 or so. I had to catch the train to my therapist’s office. Today the trains and buses were on Saturday schedule.

I walked to my therapist’s office and then waited. I had 20 minutes to spare. I washed out my mug and then played with my phone. He called me in and we talked. He said he had to change our schedule to an earlier time. I said that was fine. There were a few Mondays that I had a conflict with but other than that, we were good. I gave him an update as it has been a month since I saw him. I told him about my family’s history of how the fight between my father and my mother’s mother prevented me from knowing my mother’s side till I was 13. I still have resentment that other than a few cousins, no one made an effort to keep in touch other than my mother’s youngest sister. I consider her and her kids my family. I slowly incorporated a few others as I grew to know these family members that suddenly emerged into my life. Trust was something that was hard to do. I had my father telling me they were “bad people”. I would judge for myself who was “bad” and who to trust in time.

After session, the dizziness started again and got worse by the time I reached the train station. I held on to the cold railing as I descended down the stairs. I was scared I was going to collapse on them. I made it and the train was there. Unfortunately, there was a train delay due to fire department activity at the next station. I waited patiently and hoped I wouldn’t pass out. The train got moving and when I got near my stop, I texted my sister to pick me up as I was not sure about the bus schedule. I wasn’t going to take the new med anymore.

After I had dinner and cleaned up a bit, I emailed the neurologist and told him my side effects were too severe and I wasn’t taking the med any more. My therapist had sent me the money I gave him and I got RAM for my laptop. My laptop was slow as shit as I had like 5 tabs open on Exlorer. I had to go to the Dell website to make sure I was buying the right RAM. I wanted to get 8GB but the site I went to had two kinds and I wasn’t sure which one was right. I saved the PDF so I didn’t have to log into Dell again. I will get the RAM by the end of the month as shipping was free.

I went downstairs and turned the heat up. It was freezing in my room. I don’t mind being cold but when my nose is cold, I need the heat. Tomorrow is my uncle’s wake. I don’t have dress or casual clothes that fit me because I gained 10 pounds so I will just wear jeans and a button down shirt. I have no idea what happened to my long sleeved button down shirts are. I just seem to have dress shirts, which are kind of tight on me due to the things on my chest. I can’t wait till I get these suckers off. They are so annoying me.

Patriots won!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Patriots won!

The Pats won, 35-14. I am glad that changing my profile pics on Facebook, twitter and IG didn’t jinx them. I was worried because every time I do, usually they lose. But the Titans were not a strong team. I think they lost gas as the game wore on because the first quarter their defense was hard to get through. No sacks though, so that was good. Tomorrow’s games will tell who we will be playing next week.

My foot and ankle are killing me right now and every thing in between. I am so tired but pain is keeping me up. I thought about reading but the chapters are long and I would hate to be in the middle of one then forget where I left off. I like to read a chapter or stop at a gap midway. I will try and read later today. I figure if I read at least two books a month, that is 24 books, which will meet my challenge I have for the year. I really need to set time limits on my social media. Maybe using a timer will help. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

My sister made chicken cacciatore tonight. It wasn’t good. She used a lot of garlic. I hate garlic. I don’t mind the flavor in stuff but not in cacciatore. My mother doesn’t use it when she makes it. It was okay otherwise. She also made chicken soup. I might have some tomorrow. It’s going to be cold the next few days so it will be nice to have something hot.

While I was watching the game, I looked at the French press to see if the glass was cracked. I kind of noticed the lid was not securely on so that might be the problem. I put water in and it poured from the spout without any problems. So weird.

I have noticed that the past few days, despite my pain being all over the place, my suicidality has not been around. I don’t really know what triggers it or makes me feel so low. I know night time is the worst time for me as my mood dips and I can feel really hopeless. Add severe pain and it is a nice recipe for suicidal thoughts. I think being back on Zoloft has stabilized my mood a little bit. I wish it helped my pain but it that is not it’s function.

I had emailed my PT to ask her about if getting movement back in my ankle is a worthwhile task. She said it was and that more movement helped to decrease CRPS pain. She said she will talk more about it when she sees me next. I was going to do some exercises she gave me today but pain stopped me from doing anything. I will try tomorrow. I just need to get a sheet.

chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

I was up half the night in pain. When my med alarm went off at 0845, I shut it off and then went back to sleep, without taking my meds. Luckily I woke up an hour later and then took them. I was really tired but I wanted to get my hair cut before I saw my psychiatrist. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and check on my mother. I talked to her till it was time to get dressed and leave for the bus stop. I decided to wear the boot, which was not a wise choice as the snow was melting and there were puddles. By the time I got to the barbershop, I had stepped in a puddle and my foot got cold and wet. I had to buy socks to change.

After I got my haircut, I went to Starbucks. I took a selfie of my new haircut and I looked as tired as I felt. I looked awful. I had a new sandwich, chorizo with egg and cheese. It was spicy, much too hot for me so I won’t order it again. I got a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. It gave me the energy I needed to see my psychiatrist so I wasn’t lifeless. She was running late today so I just played on my phone until she came to get me. We talked about a few things. She wanted to know how I was doing on the Zoloft and I told her okay, so far. I didn’t tell her I gained weight, again. We talked about my uncle’s passing. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. She asked about therapy and I told her that I had a credit with him so will see him for a while. He isn’t a bad therapist, I just feel like I should be getting more from him or maybe I am expecting more and because I am not getting it, I get upset. I told her I will be seeing the LGBT doc next month and hope that my medical/psych issues don’t hinder my transition. She said there will be a center at the hospital opening up but she doesn’t know when that will be. I told her to keep me in the loop as I won’t know otherwise. She said she would. I see her again in three weeks.

I went back to the Square to get the bus home. I thought I missed it but I didn’t. I guess they were running late. Score either way. By this time, my ankle bone was starting to erupt in pain. I had wanted to take a pain pill while waiting for the bus but there was no time as the bus was there. My mother wanted Italian bread so I got off at a stop close to the bakery rather than my regular stop. As usual, there was a customer there and the lady and him were chatting up a storm. Annoys me because I had to wait until their conversation was over before she waited on me. I bought the bread and walked home, carefully to avoid puddles as a light rain had started. There was traffic on the street I had to cross to get to my street. I crossed when the light was red. I saw my cousin as I went up the street. He asked if we were still on for Tuesday night. I said yes, unless that changes with the wake and funeral arrangements for my uncle.

I was really hurting by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me and my foot was cold from the wet sock. I changed and relaxed a little on my bed. I took some pain meds. I was so tired from all the activity, I wanted to pass out. My mother wasn’t home yet from her doctor’s appointment. I figured she wouldn’t be. My sister called me to tell me of the wake and funeral arrangements. I won’t be having dinner with my cousin. I will be going to the wake but not the funeral. I know I won’t be able to fit into my dress clothes for it. He will be cremated. My sisters are going to my aunt’s house tonight. I would have gone but my pain levels are too high. I also wanted to be home to cook for my mother as I know she would be tired from the appt.

Just making that one meal did me in. I am in so much pain right now, it’s not funny. I am also exhausted. I hate it when pain makes you so exhausted you can’t do anything. I know I did a lot today, between getting my haircut and going to my appt. I really can’t wait till my mother is feeling better so she can go back to her activities. It’s draining me to help her out. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. I know I will probably be too tired anyways. I just hope I sleep tonight before midnight and pain doesn’t keep me up. I am just fed up with dealing with pain every fucking day. I am tired of the exhaustion and fatigue it gives you. I honestly don’t know how the hell I was able to work close to full time with this much pain. I know I have a high pain tolerance but still. Going from 2 jobs to none in four months still gets me.

ankle throbs yet the heart aches

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.