Tag: CES

First bad news of the year

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, suicide

First bad news of the year

I’ve had bladder pain all weekend and my uro is out of the office due to illness so she wanted me to see my pcp. My pcp wasn’t in the office so I went to medical walk in. The doc there was concerned I might have appendicitis so he had me down for a CT scan. The scan indicated everything was normal except my spine which had advance discogenic degenerative changes from L2-L5. Not the news I wanted to hear. I am already freaking out over my upcoming neurosurgeon appointment and this just added to my nerves, no pun intended. I am going to ask my PCP to tell him what has been going on and to see what he (neurosurg) wants to do. Maybe he wants to see me sooner than the 5th. I don’t know. My psych said that if I have surgery, she will visit me. Least that is one way of seeing her again. Though I rather it be her new office not my hospital room!

I’ve been in a mood since I came home. I want to self-destruct. I sent my psych a message that I am keeping things as best I can even though I want to plan right now (I didn’t tell her that). If I had some lethal method I would probably act on it. I am keeping focus on things other than suicide and that is very hard when you just want to end your life because things suck so bad right now. I did some Amazon shopping. I probably will do some more tomorrow as there are a few things that I need that I didn’t get. I just don’t want three charges all on the same card.

Voices have no calmed down despite me increasing the dose back to 4.5 mg of Invega. I might have to wait a bit. I canceled therapy for tomorrow because I just can’t go back to the hosp. I am so frigging tired and the stupid doctor hit my right heel to see if it caused abdominal pain that it flared up the sensitivity and my Achilles heel as well. I am in pain all over the place. Plus my ankle is in HUGE amount of pain. It locked up on me again when I came home soon after I took the AFO brace off. I haven’t eaten anything substantial but I gained five pounds since the last time I was weighed. I don’t know when that was but I was five pounds less. I am upset over gaining the weight. I was doing well to stay below 200 but I couldn’t stay off. I just had ensure when I came home and Gatorade. I am not hungry, even though I should be.

On the way home, I found out the GOP Senators were traitors like they have been the past two years and Derek Jeter got into the HOF. I am happy about Derek. He has my deepest respect because even though he was a Yankee, he played with heart and class. Unlike some people that will never make it into the HOF.

I am feeling really out of sorts. The voices are continuing to tell me I am meaningless and worthless. This has been going on for a week and I am about to snap. I don’t know what I will do but it won’t be good. I am trying not to give into my impish ways. I just feel so awful about my back and there is nothing I can do except wait until I see the neurosurg. I also got to wait two days for the urine culture to come back to see if I have a urine infection. That is a lot of waiting. The doc gave me the choice of going on antibiotics now but I didn’t want to be treated for the wrong bug so I decided to wait, which is the right thing to do. Just sucks. The urinalysis wasn’t positive at all so I don’t think there is any bugs causing the bladder pain. Nothing showed up on the CT scan so I am starting to think this is a CRPS thing. If I am right, this is going to be a problem when I have top surgery. I got to read more into Type1 CRPS. Type 2 is supposed to be the “bad” one. But I don’t have that so it shouldn’t be spreading to my bladder. UGH. I got to play medical detective because there is no one else to play with the clues. Though the pain is bad but not as bad as my ankle pain. Not choosing pains just saying. I hope I can sleep tonight but tomorrow is shot and pay day so I doubt it. It’s already 11pm. I will probably give the T at midnight. Sleep for a few hours to wake up to pay some bills then sleep some more. I want to get a haircut tomorrow. I kind of fucked it up as I went wild but I don’t think I did a too bad of a job that my barber can’t fix.

My sister is sick and when my other sister told me I laughed out loud because she opened up all the fucking windows in the house when it was like 18 degrees out. Fuck. Serves her right. Dumbass she is. I have my window open and I only got sick because my mother doesn’t wash her hands or cover her mouth when she coughs, and she has had a bad cough. Her foot doctor sent her to her primary as she had a bad coughing fit. UGH. They have her on antibiotics, which is good. If they have her on something else, I doubt she will take it. She will pay for it but she won’t use it. I don’t get that at all. Meanwhile I got to remember to budget my money this month so I can get my meds. I forgot last month. My bad. January is tough. I don’t even know what my monthly insurance is going to be yet. I haven’t gotten the invoice yet. I am thinking it is going to be at least $232, might be more but I will stick with that for now.

so tired of the shore

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

So tired of the shore

I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.

I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.

Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.

The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.

Ocean 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

Ocean

This is a new song by Lady Antebellum called Ocean. It is such a good song. I cannot wait for their new album to be out as I know it is going to be kickass as every single that has come out has been superb. I love this group so much and I am SOO happy they got back together.

I saw the uro. The cath came out. She wanted me to find some new catheters but I didn’t like the selection the nurse brought in so I will stick with what I got. I probably could do with a longer one but as long as this one is doing the job, that is all I care about. After the appointment I was so drained. I went to Whole Foods for some Indian but they didn’t have any. So I just had some Chinese food that they had. The rice was good. I also had some shredded beef that was amazing. It wasn’t part of the Chinese selection but in the Spanish section. I love that they have different varieties of food to choose from. Now I am back on a timer/schedule for my bladder. The uro wanted to know what the neurosurgeon had said and I told her he thinks I might have a tethered spinal cord and I think surgery is going to happen. She said she would redo the urodynamic testing two months later to see if there have been any changes made to stop progression of the bladder problems. I told her that he wanted a family member and she said that seems to indicate he is thinking surgery. I agreed with her. I feel so screwed. I really didn’t want to have surgery next year on my back but seems like it is going to happen.

My mother and baby sister is sick. Hope I don’t get what they got because there are some nasty viruses out there. My middle sister was the first to get sick and I think she spread it. She will deny it though. I got the flu shot so hopefully whatever my sister and mother have, it isn’t that. I know my mother did not get a flu shot.

I think I am recovered from the horrible depression that has plagued me for most of this year. I don’t feel like that black cloud is holding me so tight anymore. I am not saying that it isn’t there. It is. I just don’t feel its presence as strong as I did. I am back to my baseline depression, which I guess is a good thing. I didn’t think I was ever going to feel like this again.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I did when I came home and I am 3 pounds less than I was the last time I weighed myself. I had gained like 4 pounds now lost 3. I will check it tomorrow but I don’t think it will be a big difference. I knew I had lost some weight because my PJs were starting to get loose and I have an elastic waistband! I might be a size smaller. I had just bought a bunch of new PJs in size XL. I do not want to buy new ones. They can slide off me, I don’t care. I ate today for the first time in what feels like days. I wasn’t hungry but I just made myself eat something. I still have no appetite. I don’t know if it is because of the depression or meds or what. With the nortriptyline and gabapentin, my appetite should be off the scale but it isn’t.

I love my uro who is always courteous and mindful about me being a FTM. She explained it perfectly to a fellow nurse what my situation was. I am so glad the staff are always nice about it. I really lucked out. One of the trans women I follow on Twitter just posted as this is the decade she is going to be her to her full being. It will be similar for me. I am out and on HRT. I am transitioning. If I have to have back surgery this year I hope I can also have top surgery. My only fear would be spread of CRPS. I don’t know what it will be like or if the surgeon knows about CRPS and removing the breasts. I know that I cannot survive another year with these things on my chest. They are depressing me so much especially as they are getting hairy with the hormones. It is so distressing. Sets off the dysphoria so bad. I hate being in the wrong body.

Boxing day and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Boxing Day 2019 and other stuff

I went out with friends this afternoon. We had dinner and it was a really good time. My niece accidently kicked my bad foot twice and my foot reacted as if she hit it with a baseball bat. I saw stars and continue to see them.

The psychopharm sent me a couple of messages. I responded and said that I can give her a paper and a scale we can use to assess my suicidality. She is open to it. I am not sure how long she will do this for. I told her that my suicidality needs to be assessed from now on at every visit. She said in one of the messages she would be curious on days that I am not so suicidal how it is. My level of suicidality has been waxing and waning. I am just getting stressed out with my mother as she doesn’t like me fucking sleeping during the day. She doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night no matter how many time I fucking tell her. I had her on block for a while and I think I might do it again as I don’t want to be disturbed with her while I am trying to sleep. She wants me to “open up” to her. I told her that isn’t happening so forget about it. She got mad. I don’t care.

feeling low. I am dehydrated as there is little urine in my bag. I thought I drank enough (bottle and a half of gatorade) but I guess not. The catheter is really bothering me today. I see uro Tues and hope this comes out. The uro wants me to think about a supra pubic catheter. I don’t want to have surgery as I am scared CRPS might spread. I am having horrible bladder pains so I do hope the catheter comes out on Tues. I just can’t deal with it anymore. It is just making me more depressed. Found out my psych diagnosis has changed. I no longer have bipolar disorder. I have recurrent major depression with psychotic features. That fits me better. Though the psychopharm thinks I have persistent depressive disorder (formerly known as dysthymia). Either works for me as I am fucking depressed!!

30 December 2019

I never finished this blog so kept it and decided to just put in today’s date. I start off wanting to say things and then I just lose interest and lose my train of thought. I can’t send my therapist links to my blog anymore because anyone who accesses my record can have access to it and I don’t want that to happen. When I go back to texting her, I will. I don’t know when that will be as she said right now I am “unstable”.

I haven’t really eaten since Boxing Day. I think I just been living off of Ensure. I just have no appetite at all. I had two Ensure today at different times. I really don’t want to leave my room for anything if I don’t have to. I have the larger bag hooked up so I don’t have to empty it often and can sleep without worrying. I see the uro tomorrow and I was worried I wouldn’t as there was a problem with scheduling. They wanted me to come in earlier but I can’t because I have a delivery. I got the times mixed up so I can be there by noon if the delivery is here by 10. I plan on taking a shower when I get up so I can be as clean as possible. I feel dirty but my damn ankle is hurting so much along with me having back spasms that I don’t want to shower right now. I’m not sure if I will be placed on an antibiotic once the catheter comes out just as a preventative. I hope to go back to my “new normal” of cathing a few times a day. I don’t know if I will be able to go on my own yet. Won’t know until the catheter is out but I am thinking not as I have had zero urges. I am going to ask the uro about the bladder pain. If it is from the catheter, fine but if it isn’t, something needs to be done about it.