Tag: chronic pain

Happy Fucking Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Happy Fucking Monday (*** warning more swears throughout rest of blog***)

So I had shit sleep. I didn’t go to bed till after 330. I think I last looked at my phone to check the time and it said 349. What time I actually fell asleep, who knows. Needless to say that when my med alarm went off I wanted to chuck my phone against the wall. I just checked to see if I actually took my meds and I missed a Lamictal. Oh well. Least I took the majority of them. My alarm to get up went off and I grudgedly sat up and checked the messages on my phone. As I did so and hating the fact I had to leave the house in a bit to go to my therapy appointment I didn’t want to keep, my mother starts screaming my name at the top of her lungs. WTF does she want? A call came through on her line asking for me that was “computer related”. UGH I told her to have them call my cell. Both feet were killing me in the short few steps to the bedroom door to scream at her this message.

A few moments later in my bad mood, the idiot calls me. He had an Indian accent and said they were trying to get access to my computer as “they couldn’t get the signal” and they needed to send an important “security patch”. At this point I became sarcastic as fuck saying really? Are you calling from Dell? No, Microsoft. Oh Microsoft? Wow. That sounds really important. I said you are full of shit. He then says “no we are legit. I can send you our license number.” I said you can send to 800- I don’t fucking believe you! And hung up. Fucking dickwad. I was hurting so bad but had to get ready for this appointment I didn’t want to go to. I went downstairs for some coffee after deciding fuck the bus I’d take a cab as I wasn’t going to Uber. I wasn’t going to be driving all around town picking up other people before my destination for $4. I’d pay the $12 for a single way of getting to where I want to go.

When I got downstairs, I told my mother it was a scammer and the next time hang up. She gave the “I don’t know”. I told her I NEVER give her number out so they wouldn’t be calling you, they would call my cell. She doesn’t fucking think. UGH!!!! I had my coffee and a couple of cookies. Then I thought I better eat something more so I am not hungry later. I made a roast beef sandwich and I think I forgot to put back the stuff. I didn’t care. I then decided I better put on the fucking lace brace. My mother had redone it but I still had to take the top laces out to put it on. My mother blamed the swelling. Fuck. There is no swelling the thing is made to be fucking tight! I put the thing on and then had her help me lace it up as I couldn’t move to see where the holes were. Just as we are doing this, she get a call from her doctor’s office and the line is staticky so she goes to the kitchen line. Fucking fuck. I am still in my pajamas and the cab is going to be here in 20 minutes. I fucking did the best I could with the damn fucking thing and went up to my room to get dressed. I was going to wear jeans and a button down shirt but fuck it. I decided sweatpants and sweatshirt as it was cold out.
Went downstairs to put my shoes on with the other brace for my left foot. I chatted with my sister. My new pens came. They are so pretty! I love them. I don’t care much about the mechanical pencil but it was 50% off so who the fuck cares. That made my day somewhat.

I went to therapy and no fucking lie, the dipshit told me to Google relaxation techniques for my PTSD/”anxiety” for the trouble I am having going to sleep. I am afraid to lay down to go to sleep because I don’t want my foot to go berserk. What the fuck am I paying him for if I have to Google shit?? I was so fucking mad. I decided to walk to the train rather than take an Uber. A guy that smelled like piss and shit got on the bus ride home. It was a pleasant ride. But it wasn’t over. I still had to go to Walgreens for my dear mother. There was no prescription ready for her so I walked all over the store for nothing. My foot loved that. I went to the register and decided to get the stamps she wanted. The girl was knew and didn’t know how to price check. FUCKING FUCK. Her trainer had gone off to help another customer. So I waited. The trainer didn’t know about the stamps (price had gone up but still rung up as old price) so I paid the old price as they couldn’t figure the fucking thing out. My feet were ready to divorce me at this point. I was in so much fucking pain. The brace was tight and I needed to get it off.

Came home and went upstairs to my room to change. I was getting settled after wrestling the damn brace off my foot when my damn fucking bladder said it had to go. Fucking little bitch couldn’t tell me when I was downstairs. So I go and then ask my mother if a package came for me (the one that Amazon said they delivered but really didn’t). No package so I went back upstairs and my right foot is so bloody angry right now. I am ready to look on Amazon for chainsaws. My mother is making dinner and wanted my help and I said no because I can’t stand. I am hurting too much thanks to you waking me up and have me racing to the bedroom door for a fucking scammer! She is hurting but I don’t care. I went out and did shit, she has been home all day. So happy fucking Monday. Can’t wait for Friday’s double header with doctor appointments.

Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18

I’ve had an okay day today despite Amazon not delivering my package today. They say it is in a “secure location” but didn’t specify where that was. Then when I called they said it could still be out for delivery and to call back if I don’t receive it by 4 PM. OK. I usually don’t have a problem with Amazon but I think their own delivery service where people use their cars to deliver their products is shady. I just have found the delivers are whenever. I should have screenshotted when they were close to my house to prove they were in my vicinity. But I didn’t think because I’ve never had a problem before but whatever. I hope my package gets delivered tomorrow or they issue me a credit.

I’ve been feeling kind of blah since maybe 730pm. Just had the sinking feeling of depression where everything seems so bad yet nothing is really bad because nothing went on today. I didn’t have an argument with my mother. I really hate when these depression episodes happen because I don’t know what to do. And then if pain hits, I just become really suicidal, which reminds me I need to find that paper so that my family can pay for my funeral expenses. Dammit. I don’t really want to do this financial piece but I know funerals are expensive after what we went through with my father. Just don’t want them to be shorthanded. I guess I just feel hopeless since my psychiatrist sent me the email about wanting me in the hospital for the sleep/wake cycle bullshit, which means she didn’t read my blog about why I have insomnia. I just am done with doctors and just see them because my life will be worse if I don’t. I want to cancel my appointment with her this week but I have another doctor’s appointment that day so I will be killing two birds with one stone. I am not mad at her as I know she cares about me and just wants the best for me but going to the hospital where they may or may not give me my pain meds and worse, screw up the way I take my meds or miss my meds because they don’t have them, no thank you. I can do without that headache. And it isn’t like they treat you for anything. They spend 15-20 minutes with you and then it off until the next day. How can you call that treatment? It is more like an appointment or something. They screw up talking with you anyhow so why get fucking frustration when you already are. I told her I would only do so if I attempt. I didn’t tell her I was planning again. I don’t think I have told my therapist. He doesn’t really care anyways.

PTSD has been around lately. I just have been having a hard time laying down for fear of pain and I have no idea how to get over it. It isn’t until I literally can’t read my phone anymore that I finally lay down. But sometimes I have to kind of sit up and talk to the voices to finally get to sleep. These are the good voices not the bad ones. Right now my foot is acting up. I am not sure if it is nerve pain or something else. I just took some Neurontin before I take my pain meds because if it is nerve pain, it will go away. If it is not then I take pain meds. Temps I haven’t notice anything. Yesterday the barometric pressure was fucking crazy. I have no idea if it was today because I didn’t keep track of it. I wasn’t in horrible pain like I was yesterday. I really don’t like this buzzing feeling I am having now as it could explode so I am a little anxious about how I tonight is going to go. My back is killing me so I won’t be sitting up for that much longer. I am tired so hope the Neurontin does its job and then I can sleep.

I got therapy tomorrow. I wanted to cancel but I might cancel Wednesday because there is going to be snow and I am not running around town in snow while both fucking ankles aren’t stable. Not happening. I could Uber but they are pissing me off with picking people up as they go and then going all around town to my house rather than taking a shorter route. No thanks, I don’t need that aggravation. I wish I could afford a cab but those are more expensive than Ubers. I honestly don’t know if I am going to stay in therapy because I am not getting anything out of it. I tell him I get PTSD and he doesn’t give me ways to cope, on anything! Talking about what happened is not helping me! I am just getting annoyed and stuff. Then my mother today was like make cookies for my niece’s birthday party. When? I might be able to make them Wed if I don’t see my therapist but that is only if I don’t flare and it is supposed to snow that day so I most likely will be in pain! I just want to stay in bed or just go to Starbucks without an anxiety attack about a pain flare or that I need to get home because I feel safer there should something happen. I am just pathetic. I just don’t know why when I seek help, it fails me miserably. And if anyone says I am the problem, you are an asshole.

Psychache is happening. I kind of miss my former therapist, who by now should be called ex. She left me because she couldn’t deal with me anymore. Or whatever reason we ended, which I still am not sure of because she never told me. I just said end and she said yes. Guess that is the end of the story. But if I brought up the PTSD stuff she at least helped me cope with it rather than do nothing.

Insomnia strikes again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Insomnia strikes again

I had about a 4 hour sleep and had to go to the pharmacy to see if I could get my pain meds filled today so I didn’t have to go tomorrow. My mother needed her meds picked up so I went. I looked in the shaving section to see if they had any good after shave. They had a Nivea one that was on sale so I got that. I should have the one I bought on Amazon delivered today but want to try different ones and see what I like.

I left my BFF a video clip, like I do daily. And then she sent me some voice clips and I just love hearing her voice because of her Canadian accent. It is funny that we both like the way we talk. She was telling me she likes how my face has these expressions while I talk. HAHA just me. I sort of notice them while I am speaking but never thought much of them.

I am in a lot of pain today. The barometric pressure went up 0.22 points. And while I was walking home from the pharmacy, my ankle gave out on me. So it was the longest walk home in a while. The street that leads to my house always seems like a mile long but because my ankle was being a fuck, it just seemed like a thousand miles. I didn’t bring my cane because I am not that used to carrying it all the time. It was a short walk so didn’t think to bring it. I think if I was going to the Square or to an appointment, I probably would have remembered to bring it. I regretted it anyways. My aunt was visiting and OMG she an my mother ganged up on me on am I seeing the right doc and seeing this person or what can be done for you talk. I need my meds and need to rest in bed. That is what I need. Maybe my dose of my pain meds needs to be increased but I am too doubtful this will happen so don’t bring it up when I see the doctors anyways. And they NEVER ask if the meds ARE helping the pain. Because if I tell them there is a problem, it becomes a big deal and more work and I just feel like why bother. Even though that IS THE REASON I HAVE THESE APPOINTMENTS!!! It just gets so tiring to go and not be heard or be told I need to see another doctor because my chickenshit PCP is too scared to think outside the box and treat something that shouldn’t be so fucking difficult. He has the same damn license as the other doctor so I don’t understand the problem. If he is prescribing me my pain meds I don’t understand why he can’t increase the dose to see if that helps my flares but I always get talked down about it. Damn crisis and CDC guidelines. Fucking ruining chronic pain patients. This is why I want to end things this year. I have a semi plan building. I have a date but have yet to put any of it in action yet. I wanted to see if my psychiatrist was going to back me up and she isn’t so I really have no other choice. I can’t live like this. It has been a year. I tried, it failed, so why go on???

I just got my new baking cooling racks and my mother yelled “I got a lot of them”. I said yea and they are small! These are bigger! The new after shave balm I bought has a nice scent to it. So now I get to choose, Nivea or American. Going to trash the Gillette one. It burns when I use it, probably because it has alcohol in it. Going downstairs to retrieve the box has really flared up my ankles. So I am going to pop some gabapentin and hope to go back to sleep. My mother is making vegetables, which she will probably have for supper. I don’t like rabe so will have either chicken pattie or cold cuts. Whenever the pain goes down, I plan on making breakfast burritos and freezing them. They will be a nice thing to have and easy to reheat on days I hurt too much to want to cook.

Long week of pain and no sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long week of pain and no sleep

To my daily readers, I apologize for not writing. I have been hit with depression, pain, and insomnia all week so didn’t feel much energy to post, not even a picture. Usually I snag a pic during the night time hours as that is when the Twitter account I follow posts the cute pics. But I haven’t even looked at Twitter that much because I just couldn’t even read the tweets. If something caught my eye, I did but the majority of the accounts I follow didn’t get read. I just didn’t have the energy.

Tuesday, I had emailed my psychiatrist to ask if I didn’t sleep could I page her to talk. She responded and asked would I go along with a “brief” admission to see my sleep/wake cycle. Well that shut down all communication with her. I responded with no as I know what that entails and I wasn’t up. I wasn’t suicidal and the reason I couldn’t sleep was because of fucking pain! Yesterday I did an experiment with the Lamictal to see if it was the culprit in the insomnia now that my dose has increased. I think it sort of was because I finally was able to sleep last night until 2 PM today. Granted I had taken some Benadryl to help, but still, that is the most sleep I have had in like two weeks.

Yesterday I had my groceries delivered and wanted to make this low carb chicken dish that was sort of like a Florentine chicken. I thought it came out delicious. My mother said it sucked. I also didn’t make any side dishes with it (I was really hurting and just wanted to get off my fucking feet so didn’t think to make one). So she had whatever she had and then reheated her chicken cacciatore that she made the other day. I wanted to bring the leftover to my barber today but it is too late now to do it. I don’t like reheated chicken. If there are left over chicken dishes, I will eat the chicken cold, including Chinese food.

Tuesday, I was up at 530 after getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. I didn’t want to go back to sleep because there was stuff I wanted to do. So I got my haircut and then I baked chocolate chip cookies with the new recipe I had. OMG these cookies are so friggen good! I love them. I bought more chocolate chips in my grocery order just so I had enough to make more cookies if I felt up to it. My friend who gave me the recipe asked if I halved the recipe and I said no. She said I was going to have a shit load of cookies and I did. I had like 4 trays of cookies. But they are yummy so I don’t care. The batter is thick and took some time to mix in the oats and chips in it. I thought I mixed it well but there was just plain oats at the bottom of the batter. I just scooped it on the tray. I didn’t care. I was getting tired as it took me 3 hours to make these as our oven sucks. Each tray took around a half hour to make (give or take 5-10 minutes). The bottom baked better than the top, which meant shuffling the tray. My niece liked the cookies and she doesn’t like oatmeal! I am glad I have cookies to eat because, well, I am a cookie monster. I also bought sugar cookies with my grocery order. LOL told ya, I am a monster. I also bought the roast beef that I love. My hope is to make sandwiches on days I have therapy as the day is long. The bus schedule sucks and if I miss a bus it could be up to two hours before I can go home.

I thought I was a financial wizard this month as I had 30 bucks left in my account but, alas, nope. I forgot to pay one bill, which will be on Monday as I don’t yet have a credit on the grocery order. I was supposed to get a pound of American cheese and only got half. They over charge you anyway and it takes like 5 days to get the money back into the account. I got the email this morning saying the credit has been issued so I hope by Tuesday I can pay this one last bill. I withdrew cash so I can pay for my meds this month. I did sort of buy stuff at Amazon but it was much needed. I shaved my head last night with a new blade and got razor burn so bad. I used the oil, too, so I don’t know why it hurt so much. So I bought an after shaving balm. I also bought cooling racks for the cookies because the trays we have SUCK!! You can only fit like 4-5 cookies on the rack. That is only not even ½ a tray of cookies! So I bought bigger ones. They weren’t that expensive, $16 for 4, which I thought was a deal. I don’t go to stores and I know Walgreens doesn’t sell them. I know they probably sell the after shave but I wanted a balm not a liquid. Hope it works because it took a while for it to calm down and I was in so much pain with my feet I just had to endure the burn on my head.

I found some exercises for my foot to do until I go to PT next week. I am getting so stressed out with going again. It is just that it is a long bus ride and then I have the appointment, then a bus to the station for the long bus ride home. I might cancel the appointment because I have two doctor appointments the following day and if I am sore (which I could be), walking is going to be difficult and I got to go to two different buildings, which means walking around the hospital. But I want to see how the beginning of the week goes with regards to my sleep. If I am not sleeping well or get into a flare, it will be a no go. I did the exercises last night and today I am not hurting too much with my right foot, though the side where the tendon tear is, is hurting. I probably did too much yesterday because after the cooking dinner, I numbed my foot to take a shave and shower.

I bought chicken patties and had one today. I forgot how good they were. I might have another one after my mother watches her LOUD shows and is out of the kitchen. I spent nearly $200 on groceries because I was tired of not having food by the end of the month except whatever my mother made. I wanted to get fish sticks or filets but it was really expensive. Even the chicken patties were expensive but you are paying for the price of having it delivered. My iced coffee which I bought 5 of was $28. I wanted to have it last for a month. I love the iced coffee better than hot. I might mix and match as I still have the K-cups to make coffee.

My transition is going okay. I think my mother is noticing my voice changes because she said something earlier this week. She doesn’t know I am on T. I have had some throat irritation and she thought it was because of the cold. HAHA nope. I asked around and apparently it is due to voice changes. I am happy. I also accidently sent a friend a video that was suppose to go to someone else. Her husband saw the video and was immediately like who is that guy. That made me smile. I haven’t seen him since before my transition and he isn’t on Facebook. I felt bad on the error. I got to pay more attention to who I am sending stuff too! Geez! My sideburns are still thicker. I did notice some fuzz while I was making the said video last night. So maybe the hair will come in soon. My mustache is still taking forever to grow since I last shaved it. I see the TG doc next week so I hope she increases the dose. It will be my off week so if she wants bloods done, I can possibly have it. It will just depend on how I am feeling that day. Fridays can be either busy or crazy in the blood drawing lab. If it is crazy, I will wait. As long as she doesn’t need a urine sample because I hate giving one. Well, I don’t. My bladder does. Damn nerve injury caused retention so bad I need at least three hours before I can go after drinking a lot of fluid. Used to be an hour. Now, nope. I think the meds also don’t help. But it is what it is. Until next time my friends. And thank you for reading!