Tag: chronic pain

5 days before my birthday, good grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

5 days before birthday, good grief

I had a list of goals today. I wanted to brush my teeth, make breakfast/lunch, shave and shower, and then bake. I got up around 11. I brushed my teeth. Then I made the steaks I bought yesterday. That was breakfast and lunch. I had two cups of coffee. Then my mother needed some help doing some stuff. So I helped her out. I then shaved. Trouble was, the trimmer died after like three swipes on where I was shaving so I had to then switch to my razor which took longer than I expected. I usually charge my trimmer before I use it but I forgot and thought it had enough juice to do the job. It is an old trimmer so I think the battery is going. I charged it as I was shaving. I then did my head. For some reason, my head isn’t as smooth as it was before. I don’t know why this is. My sides are but the back of my head is kind of rough even though there is no hair. I then showered. I did okay as I only had to sit once or twice. But my foot was hurting. I was getting really tired. I dried off and then talked to my mother. She asked why I was tired and I said I didn’t sleep again. My soft blanket last night was on the crook of my ankle and as I moved it, it felt like it was cutting into in. I barely touched it as I showed my mother where the blanket was. That was all it needed to set it off. Fucker. I couldn’t deal. I took some gaba, only a small dose, and my pain med as my foot was hurting, like it was being crushed. I played with my phone some and then I crashed.

I woke up a little while ago. I was expecting my mother to call me for dinner but I guess she made her own, and I was to do the same. I don’t care. I am not that hungry any way. . I have been wanting a graham cracker cereal for a while. I think that might be my dinner. I shaved my mustache last night and now my upper lip is bothering me and I don’t know why. Maybe it is growing back in.

I took my night meds at 7. I have decided to take them early rather than later because I tend to sleep earlier than later, if pain isn’t a factor. I used to take them early but I stopped because of the pain med. It was like I was taking my night meds at one time, pain med an hour later, and gabapentin at an hour later. That combo seemed to work good for a while. Then I decided to take every thing an hour later and just take the gaba when needed. It is so hard to keep track of the pain when I flare though. That is when no combo works. I am so tired. I hope I can sleep at a decent hour. I really wanted to make these fucking cookies today but after the shaving and shower, I knew there was no way I was going to bake. I needed a nap. I got to listen to my body when I need rest because it’s rare that I have these opportunities to nap. Usually, I go to my room with the intention to nap, and I end up playing with my phone or decide to read a book and then the nap impulse fades or I get more tired, which is not good. Then I become overtired and I am up all night.

Book gone live and other Monday things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Book gone live and other Monday things

I have no idea how many hours of sleep I got. I had a rough night plagued with suicidal thoughts, deep depression, physical and emotional pain, and restlessness. I know it was probably dawn when I fell asleep and then my alarm went off. I was so rushed because I had about a half hour to get ready before the bus came. I forgot to take my morning meds. I ended up taking the Trileptal when I got home from therapy.

I didn’t have that much funds so it was just a reward drink I got. I wasn’t hungry and I forgot to bring a pop tart with me in my haste. Wed I hope to have more time as I don’t have to leave early as I won’t be going to Starbucks. I will just have coffee at home before leaving. Therapy went okay. We talked about how my bladder is stubborn, my losing weight from loss of appetite, and editing my second book and then re-publishing it. OMG what a fucking hassle that was. Createspace joined Kindle so they are the same right now. And the stupid thing format was worse than Createspace. I couldn’t add a blurb about the author. I had to redo the thing to get the damn back cover blurb changed. Then I forgot to order a proof, which I am so mad at. I had hit click too fast. Amazon at least gave you the option before the final click! Then I check the website and my book is discounted by $15! WTF. I couldn’t believe it. And only 1 is in stock, which is bullshit because they print them as they are ordered.

On the way home from therapy, I went to the grocery store to use the last of my food stamps for some steak and coffee. I really like the iced coffee. No mess, just pour and serve. Easy. My mother is sick. I have no idea where she got it from as she has been home the last few days, unless she got it from her sister, I don’t know. I just hope I don’t get it. I made myself a steak and cheese sandwich and then what my mother wanted for dinner. I then went upstairs and rested and all hell broke loose. My foot yelled at me and my back was crying. I wanted another sandwich, though. I waited for the pain meds to kick in and when they did, I went downstairs. I gave my mother some cough drops and then made the sandwich. I didn’t use as much pepper this time. I feel a little better now that I have some decent food in me. I have enough steak for 2 more sandwiches. My mother doesn’t like steak so it is all mine!

I got to order more copies of the new edit next week when I get paid. My friend in Canada wants one and I think I am going to recycle the ones I have. I will just order about 6 copies as they aren’t flying off the shelves anyway. I don’t think I have posted to Facebook yet. I got to check my page. Sometimes I post things twice because I forget I posted. Or I think I posted but it was really on Twitter.

Back pain, sleeping, and feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back pain, sleeping, and feeling like shit

I woke up with my back hurting me. I have no idea if it was due to rain (probably) or the way I was sleeping. I slowly got up to take my meds and use the bathroom. I got back to my room and my upper back was cramping. I think I must have taken an Ativan because I didn’t wake up until my stupid mother called around 2 asking where I was. Fucking sleeping. Leave me alone!! I called her back around 3 and she wanted to know what was for dinner. She asked if I wanted raviolis or spaghetti. I wasn’t in a sauce mood so I said macaroni and cheese the way she does it. She makes elbow macaroni then puts American cheese on top, microwaves for 50 seconds and boom, dinnah! She said yes to that.

I got up and was mad she woke me up. I hate when I get into these sleeping modes. It is like I can’t get out of them. I had wanted to get up around noon to possibly make some eggs and then work on my book but that wasn’t happening, least not right now. I went through the book and put tabs in the book where there were corrections to be made. I also put an arrow in the mark if the next page also needed corrections. I didn’t want to use up all my Post It things. I will probably order another package or get them at Walgreens the next time I go.

I made supper and there were different dishes all over the counter. I had to put away some when my mother came in the kitchen while I was making the elbows. I had a pop tart to hold me over. I wasn’t very hungry today. I don’t know where my appetite went. I got to see if maybe it is a side effect of T (doubtful). Maybe lowering the dose of my mood stabilizer caused my appetite to be lower. I don’t know. It has been low since the whole sodium thing started. I have lost 8 pounds, if my scale is right. I don’t know what it will be at the doctor’s office. I swear they add weight so you are heavier than you are. If they didn’t cost to much, I would buy one just to see. I don’t see my PCP until January. It will be at the new location, which means I have to go to another way to the office and will be a bitch when I have to get my pain meds. I am going to see if he will give them to me when I see him so I don’t have to come back. I hope he won’t be a dick about this. But I don’t think so as I will just be getting my scripts a couple weeks before I see him.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I joined a writing community on Twitter. My followers have jumped over 200 follows since I joined. For the first day or two, I was struggling to follow back those that followed me. OMG it was nuts and my mentions went berserk! I am glad I joined because there are people I can talk to about writing and publishing and all things related. I was talking to someone last night about my book that I am editing. She was encouraging but when I brought up that it was on mental illness, the encouragement kind of dropped. It is a hard area for people. I gave them the link to my memoir and there were more mentions/notifications, LOL. OMG this community is great. I hope to get pointers and stuff. I responded to a publisher that was looking for someone to write their blog. They wanted me to write a blog about what got me into writing, a bio, and a picture. I don’t know if I want to do all that for a blog. I don’t really like how I look. I really don’t know what got me into writing and I certainly don’t have a bio. Just so many things to do and I hate it. I have to think about it. I really don’t want my bio on the web, though I am sure it is already out there, without my consent. Hell, people are trying to buy medical data and law enforcement has gone through my medical records because of the meds I take. I don’t like that at all. It pisses me off. I am sure if the members of congress had to have their records scrutinized by the police, they would have thought more (I hope) about the stupid PMPD or whatever it is called that gives them access. This is all without warrants!! Fucking stupid Congress has to GO. Hope it happens soon!

Saturday Blog 15 Dec 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 15 Dec 18

I just realized the month is half-way over and I have yet to change the calendar to Dec. Oh well. I didn’t sleep yesterday. I was up for about 21 hours since Thursday and then tried to crash when I got home from my psychiatrist appointment. Because I didn’t sleep and wake up as early as I wanted to, getting a urine sample proved to be impossible. After 2 hours, I left and the emailed my psych telling her I would drop it off Monday. She said the blood and urine had to be same day. Oh well. Next time, I won’t go to the lab unless I know I am going to pee because my damn bladder retention sucks! And it gets worse when it sees a cup or there are noises around. I just can’t relax to go. I tried and tried and nothing was working. I even went to another building’s bathroom and nothing! So hard. Then when I got home, it took a while to pee. I have been feeling off. I really didn’t eat anything yesterday except a protein bar at 3 or 330 am. I just wasn’t hungry. I wanted to have a burrito when I came home but I wanted to sleep, too. I had another protein bar and then took my night meds an hour early though I really didn’t get to sleep until my mother went to bed, like usual.

I was fricken freezing since I came home and could not get warmed up. I had to put the Red Sox throw on my bed. That helped. But then in the middle of the night, I had to take it off because I was fricken hot. I was able to go right back to sleep and then a couple hours later, I woke up with my bladder ready to explode. Oh now you work??!! It was 5 am. I went downstairs and then went back up. I checked my phone for messages and surprisingly, I laid back down and passed out again. I woke up again a few minutes before my morning med alarm. I took my meds and used the bathroom because my bladder was ready to explode again. I thought I would eat but I was too tired. My mother was cleaning out the back porch so the living room was a disaster area. I didn’t see her. I just used the bathroom and then went back up to bed. I wanted to make cookies but I fell back to sleep and then when I woke up, I was too tired to do anything. My stomach was bothering me, probably for lack of food. I went easy. I had some toast. Then made some ramen noodles and a cup of tea. I started sneezing in the kitchen after I ate. Some thing was making me sneeze but I have no idea what. I went back upstairs hoping to finish editing my book but was too tired. I took another nap. I was cold and hot off and on. My throat was hurting but it was okay swallowing. I think my mother stirring up the dust on the porch just set off my allergies. Or I am getting a cold. So much for testosterone causing energy. I haven’t had a decent sleep routine since the Sox won the World Series. I am either not sleeping or sleeping too much. If I was hypomanic, that would explain some things but I am not. I feel down most of the time. Maybe it is depression. I don’t see my psychiatrist until after the new Year.

After my psych appointment, I got my haircut again. I want to start shaving the sides and back again. When I am going to start this again, I don’t know. I wanted to start today but I don’t feel like it. I need to shower. One thing that might be gross to say is that my sweating has changed. I stink more now than I did before. I showered Wed and I smell like I haven’t in a week. I was so tired yesterday that when I came home, I didn’t even wash my hair so if there are hair clippings on my bed, I don’t care. I will try to shower tomorrow. I know I am just playing sleep catch up since I slept poorly yesterday and then was basically on the go all day. I left the house around 930 and didn’t come home till around 5ish. Long day on 3 hours sleep and no food.

I thought with the start of my transition and taking selfies, it would make me not think I am an ugly faced person. But I was going through my gallery of pics and all I kept saying was how awful I look in the pics, even with me semi-smiling. I was going to show off my haircut but I really didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t feeling well anyways. I would just look like a grump.