Tag: chronic pain

did a lot of little things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Did a lot of little things

I woke up around noon. I had decided to make something to eat. Then I made coffee. I used my sister’s Keurig but she didn’t have sugar so I had to bring the cup back upstairs. I was using my BFF’s mug, which my mother had thrown in the dishwasher. This caused some of the personal message to some off a little. After I was finished with it, I just washed it out so my mother didn’t wreck it. I am sad this happened as the mug means so much to me as it came from a dear friend.

After I finished my coffee, I decided to shower. I shaved my head and nicked my ear. With the amount of blood, you would have thought I cut my ear off. OMG. I tried to stop it but I had to hop in the shower and knew the clot would wash off. I would clean it up after my shower. After I dried off, I clenched the little cut and then put a bandaid on it.

I went upstairs and read for a bit. I read The Poe Shadow. It is a book by Matthew Pearl, the first book I ever read by him. I just bought his newest book, the Dante Chamber and his older one, The Dante Club. I don’t know if they are a series as the Club came out before the Poe Shadow. I will find out if I ever read them.

After I read, I tried looking for the notebook I wanted to write my goodbye notes. I couldn’t find a blank one so I just decided to use the one that I had. It had enough pages for what I needed it for. I haven’t started writing yet. I might start tonight. I have no idea what to say. This is why I extended my time, for now. I got about 20 or so letters to write.

I got to stop using the dumb stupid facebook app. All I do all day is hide shit. Ads, old posts, stuff I don’t care about like people going to events. I really don’t care that my friend in Arkansas is attending an event there. Good for her. It is not so bad on the laptop but I still get ads. I have reported them as spam as most of the “sponsored ad” is all letters. Like what the fuck. Then Facebook comes back saying they reviewed my report but didn’t see anything that violated their policy. Okay. It has diagrams of the male penis. That is okay?? I am just done. Time to move on. Wish I could stay on Twitter but there is just political shit about the dickhead in office and his cronies that are dumber than dumb.

I had another talk with my mother and she said that she didn’t ask the doctor because she “didn’t want to look like an addict”. I was angry and hurt because what does she think about me? I texted my sister and she just started yelling at me. I said fine, when she is home and has no meds, don’t come crying to me. They are putting their “trust” in the doctor doing the right thing. Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I am locking up my meds when my mother is home. She will be going to rehab first but when she comes home, I will start locking up. Just to protect myself. I don’t care anymore. They didn’t listen when I told them to. They will find out soon enough. They don’t think I am right. OK. When she is in pain and can’t get meds, we’ll see.

I cooked dinner. Just heated up some ribs. It was so good. My niece ate with us. She likes ribs. Now I am going to listen to the radio for a bit and read some more. Maybe I can get through this book by this weekend. I got PT on Monday. Not looking forward to it. I have been bad doing my exercises. It is just going to be a discharge date anyway so I am not too worried about it. I hope to hear from her tomorrow about the functional program. I still haven’t heard anything. Kind of on the edge of wanting to know and then not really caring. I am just afraid that things will become hectic for me with going a few times a week, having therapy twice a week, and then seeing my psychiatrist. That is a lot.

I am tired. I have done a lot between showering and making dinner. Also stressing over my mother which, according to my sister, is silly at this point. Still it makes me mad that I am not being heard and am perceived as an “addict” by my own mother. I told a friend of mine that to avoid this, I will go in the hospital to force my sisters to deal with her. I want no part of her rehab just because I am home and don’t work. If they think that because I am home, I have to take care of her, they are wrong. I won’t do it.

Luke Combs has a hold over me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Luke Combs has a hold over me

Yesterday, all I did while I was traveling throughout Boston, was listening to Luke Combs deluxe album. Past hour or so, I had a song running through my head. Just a few words but I couldn’t figure out what song it was. I had to wait for it to play out. That is how songs start in my head. A few words start playing over and over and then a few more and then I have the chorus or enough to figure out what song it is. I knew it was Luke but wasn’t sure which song as there are two that I have been listening to lately and they have the same kind of beat. The song tonight was Must have never met you. So now it is on repeat. Love this song!

Last night when I went to turn on the radio for the game, it wouldn’t turn on. I checked the plug, the strip, the radio and all checked out. I took out the plug and put it in another socket and it worked. The outages that I had last week during the storms must have tripped something and now it doesn’t work. It is pretty old and I wanted to replace it. I had a power strip I wanted to use. I didn’t realize when I bought it the cord was 2 feet. It was too short to reach where I had to put it. I went in my office and found one. It was fancy, at the time, with a lot of connection types, including phone. This was back when dial up was still in use.

So today I when I got up and had lunch, I started clearing off my nightstand as I had to move it to get to the plug behind it. I had started clearing last night but my damn ankle wanted no part. I couldn’t weight bear due to the flare I was in. Took me about 45 minutes to clear it as I kept having to take breaks. I then dusted after everything was off as well as the back of the nightstand. There was a crap load of dust. I couldn’t reach the stuff that was on the floor behind the nightstand. I just move it enough to remove the plug. Then I spent another 20 minutes finding the screws for power strip to mount it on the wall. The holes were further apart than the broken one. I carefully measured to make sure it would fit and wouldn’t fall. I don’t unplug what is plug in often so it should be stable. There was one screw that I had to go through drywall, which can easily come out over time. I hope it stays for now.

My mother made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. When I came back to my room, my foot started hurting really bad. Just great. I was wondering when I was going to feel pain. Now I am. Going to be another long night. I knew I would be hurting. I can’t be doing stuff on my feet for a long time. I am glad I did what I did as my nightstand needed to be cleaned and dusted. It also needed to be a little better organized. I have put my pills and stuff in a basket and other stuff sorted, like my lotion and pens. Also pad of paper because it seems I can never find one when I need to jot something down. So annoying. I just need to find the notebook I need to start the goodbye letters. I didn’t do it today. Tomorrow looks more promising.

PT and where to go from there

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT and where to go from there

So PT killed me afterwards. Because the daft pain docs want more, my lovely PT recommended a functional program. Which is more than what she can offer me. I talked with her about it as I was anxious. I cannot stand being out of the house more than 3 hours and the program meets a few times a week for 6. It is multidisciplinary. I asked her what the goal would be as everyone wants me to try this but I am scared I’ll get kicked off disability if I am “too well”. She said it was more managing my flares better and other stuff I don’t remember. I’ll hear back from her within a week from the lady that runs it and try it. It doesn’t work oh well.
I am flared. Ankle was at least a 6 when I got there. Now a 12. She worked on my thigh so that is bothering me too. Heat is bad. Just waiting to cool off. I am out of breakthrough meds until tomorrow, I hope. Hugging my AC and then decide what I want for supper. I decided to order Mexican because I am in love with taquitos. I like the tacos from this place as well, even though it is overpriced. But it is good so I’ll deal.

I am kind of nervous about this functional program. It is down the street from me so not far from where I live. I just don’t want to commit to it and then not be able to do it or be forced to stay. I also need it to work around my other appointments. When my therapist comes back, I will be meeting him twice a week. I then have my psych appt every two weeks or so. It just seems like a lot and it is overwhelming me. I am trying not to think about it because I know that it will be a few weeks before the process goes through. I still need to get a note from the doc for it, after my PT talks to the coordinator.

My ankle is being such a brat. It was hurting most of the day and only got worse when I got home. I went to grab something on my bed and the movement sent shockwaves to my ankle. I got to wait it out as there is nothing I can take for it, other than possibly Ativan. I am wicked tired so I don’t know if I will stay up to listen to the game. They are back in Boston. I always say I don’t know yet somehow I do because I just got to know if they win or lose. Finding out the next day is not as fun as finding out the end of the 9th inning. The sun pretty much baked me and stole all of my energy. I bought Pike for the Keurig. I am running low on coffee. If I make it through this month, I will need to put extra funds for Starbucks. I only do that so I can get points toward a reward. I think I can get the rewards I bought at Walgreens but I am not sure. I have to look it up in the app.

Foot is driving me nutso!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I’ve been trying to sleep since 2100. My mother wasn’t up in her room yet. I called to see if she was ok as with the AC on, I can’t hear things. She was okay. Her sugars had stabilized.

I got a blog that I read and wished I didn’t. It was about the lesbian protests or something like that in London during the Pride parade. What gets me is that anytime transgender is mentioned, it is almost always having to do with transwomen. I know I cannot be the only transman in the world. I know one came out in the Navy. I know there is another fellow in Oregon. We talk occasionally. We can’t be the only ones out there. So why isn’t it out there?? I just feel alone and invisible.

Then I started talking about suicide and someone tried guilt tripping me. I call it what it is and they say it is on me. Really? I will be fucking dead. How will I know what will happen to my family?? Am I supposed to be a ghost or something? Pissed me off.

My foot felt like it was in a pressure cooker. Then it felt like it was being crushed. Now my big toe is hurting big time. I call uncle, except I don’t think it works. I found my very last breakthrough med. Tomorrow I got to call and have them change the order and make sure the count is so I can take more than 1 a day. Otherwise the pharmacy won’t fill it and I’ll chop my fucking ankle off.

I will need a shower tomorrow. I hate showering. I need to shave my head to keep it bald. Also need to do a touch up of shaving because I missed some spots. My foot isn’t going to be happy. Then I got PT. Oh joy. Yes the curative physical therapy to increase mobility. This is interesting as I haven’t moved my damned ankle in 17 fucking years. It is a fucking joke. Oh and the damn pain clinic refuses to use CRPS. I have left ankle/foot pain. Can I bring a bat to my next appt and clobber them over the head?? Not to kill them, just to knock some sense in them or make them read my damn medical record that says why I need prescription pain medication. Fucking assholes.

I am done trying to say to them what I need. I have a better chance of winning the lottery. My foot is screaming. It is too late for gaba. I need to be up early enough to call the assholes and hope it doesn’t take a week to change the order. I can’t believe I was stupid and didn’t read it before I left. Ugh. Live and learn I guess.

Maybe 300 mg of gaba to calm some of it down. My PT is going to be unhappy with me. I’ve only done home exercises about 3 times. I couldn’t do it the 1st two days after our last session because my thigh hurt too much. Thursday I did it. Friday I was off to asshole’s office. Saturday I slept all day. Today I was in a fuck it mood.ok so what is that just one time? Oops I can’t count. We’ll just say 3 times. I probably am not going to see her anymore anyway. I really don’t want to. I think it is pointless to see her for my ankle/foot. I saw her before and I was in too much pain. And without breakthrough meds, forget it. I am tired of working through the pain.

I have no life. Just doc appts. I can’t remember a day I went to the Square just for fun, to have my espresso and write. Hasn’t happened in so long. Maybe February when I was trying to write the story in my head. It is gone now. Why bother writing it when I am going to die soon?

Part of me is trying to hang around. But with every painful flare, it gets less and less. Just do it runs through my head. Someday soon. I hope. Just do it…