Tag: chronic pain

lab work and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lab work and other stuff

I was having a difficult time sleeping last night due to pain. I fell asleep sometime after 1 when I decided to sleep on my left side, where I hurt, and use the body pillow as my head pillow rather than the standard one I had been using. I slept through the night until my blasted med alarm went off. I couldn’t believe I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in. Only thing was, next time I am putting a pillow between my legs because my right buttock was hurting something awful. Tennis ball massage calmed it down.

It was hot but not blazing when I left around 0930. A guy came over talking to himself and as I rounded the corner to the bus stop, he knocked on the brick apartment building to see if the bricks were real. I sat on the bench and he told me the new condo place had fake bricks. I said I know. I told him cement was expensive. He was like really? OMG why do weirdos talk to me??? He was telling me all about the town I lived in like I cared. I agreed with him. I swore at times as the f bombs are just part of my language and that seemed to offend him. He just stopped talking. Thankfully the bus came and he said nice talking to you. I was scared he would continue talking to me all the way to the Square!

I went to Starbucks and had my breakfast and espresso. I had five shots today because it was going to be a long day. I finished but didn’t have time to write so I grabbed my espresso cup and left. Now it was hotter. I got to the train station and waited for the train. I was feeling okay. I got off my stop and started walking toward the building to have my blood drawn. I got to the second parking garage when my ankle acted up. Fuck this wasn’t good. I stopped for a bit and then carried on carefully. I went to the blood lab where my PCP’s office was but because I had urine tests also, I had to go to the lab 3 floors down. Okay, they were better phlebotomists anyway. I went and had my blood drawn. I thought I could pee. I felt like I could pee, but I couldn’t. it wouldn’t come out despite nearly drinking a liter of water. UGH. I told them I couldn’t go and that I would be in the lobby until I could go. I figured in a half hour or so, my bladder would be full. I kept drinking water. For some reason, I was really thirsty. Finally decided to try again and after a few minutes which felt like hours, I went. Urine retention sucks so bad. I cannot go on command. I have to be almost overflowing to go. Damn nerve injury.

I had about 15 minutes before I had to see my psychiatrist. I walked over to the building. I checked in and there was a little girl about 2 in the waiting room. She was so cute. She kept walking around like she owned the place. I kept saying hi, but she was shy and would go to her grandmother to hide her face. It was funny how kids are like that. My doc came and we talked about my previous lab results. She had never heard of my medication lowering my sodium after being on it for so long. I had. There was a lady on Twitter whose sodium levels were dropping and no one figured out that it was the Trileptal until she was very sick. She was in the UK. I told her about the book, which I meant to show her but totally forgot to bring it with me. I will next time.

I didn’t want to make an appt with her. She gave me a time on the day I plan on ending it and I told her I couldn’t make it. When she asked why, I lied and said I had PT. I wasn’t in the mood to bring up my suicidal thoughts and just let it be. I was more worried about my lab results.

I had sent a message to my PCP that I had the lab work done today. Around 1730, he messaged me saying that my sodium was normal. I then got a message my test results were available for viewing. I am one point above normal. I will take it. I have been eating salty foods all week. I emailed my psychiatrist about the results and that I was in a flare. I had told her I could only take one breakthrough med a day which I hope to change next week. I had to take another pill a little while ago because as I was putting my dinner dishes in the sink, my ankle exploded in pain. It was too early for my night time dose so I took the breakthrough. I am still hurting and I am not in a good mood.

I went through Twitter like I always do. One of my pain community member had posted a pic saying that the biggest risk for chronic pain patients isn’t addiction. It is suicide. OMG is this so fucking true. I had to use the bathroom so went downstairs and as is the norm, my ankle had a fit. Totally went out on me. How can I not think of ending my life? I had just taken a breakthrough med an hour or so ago. And now my ankle is having stabbing pains, the “glob” is throbbing, and my malleolus is being hammered. I just want to not be in chronic pain and that is my life sentence. I don’t want to live anymore. It just has to end, and it will soon. I can’t continue like this. I thought I could. I thought things were getting better. But like always, it was a joke. A big HAHA, fooled ya. I still haven’t taken my night meds, which means I have to get up once more. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow except find my carryon bag so I can pack for my friend’s BBQ on the 4th. It is going to be hot and I want to dip in their pool. Little things is all I have to look forward to between now and the end.

going out and paying the price

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going out and paying the price

So past three days I have gone out, including today. It was pouring rain off and on most of the day and humid as fuck. I woke up when my med alarm went off. Then my bladder sent me an urgent message so I went downstairs. Of course, my mother was in the bathroom. I tried to patiently wait.

I decided I might as well go to my barbers to drop off the casserole so I can have the rest of the day to rest. My psych had reschedule our appointment for tomorrow, which means I have to leave early. Yuck. It is supposed to be ridiculously hot but I guess the south is HOTTER than us so I can’t complain too much. I need to leave early so I can get my lab work done. I really didn’t want to go out as I knew I was going to get wet and I would sweat. I got my stuff together. The trouble was, finding a waterproof bag as I didn’t have one. I found a plastic type bag. I thought of taking my journals but I knew they would get wet and I hate wet books. I left them behind. I also couldn’t bring my headphones so had to get my earbuds. All these decisions before coffee.

As I was walking to the bus stop, my sister drove by and offered me a ride and I took it! She dropped me off in front of my barbers. My barber wasn’t in yet. I told the barber that was there, I was going to get some java and then I will be back. I had a donut while waiting for my espresso. I get it over “light” ice. Everyone has their own definition of “light”. The barista today just gave me enough to keep it cold. I asked for a little more and got just that. I poured my soy and the container leaked more soy all over the place than in my cup. I laughed. I went back to the barbers.

My barber came after a few minutes and he had his son with him. A very cute three year-old. He cut my hair and we chatted. Then I left for the bus but I just missed the bus and had to wait nearly an hour for the next one. I must have taken like 10 steps from the door of the shop when my ankle flared up. Fuck. I hobbled to the T to a bench. I sat for a bit. Took my hat off and then took a selfie. I posted it when the bus came. I grabbed my coffee and went to the bus that would take me close to home. It wasn’t until I was waiting for the bus home that I realized I left my hat at the bus depot. Do’h!!! It was pouring so I held my umbrella when the wind picked up. If it got worse, I was going to lose the umbrella as I hate fight it in the wind. I rather get wet. I gave directions to someone that stopped and then the bus came.

My ankle kept going in and out on me as I walked the block home. It was trash day so I put the barrels in the driveway. One had some water in it, making it heavy to move. I dumped out the water. I got home and my ankle just was not happy. My legs were feeling like cement. I want a shower. I took a breakthrough med and waited for it to kick in. My t-shirt was wet and the AC made me really cold. It was now or never in the shower. Bad move. My legs were awful after the shower. I still hadn’t had anything to eat except the donut.

I couldn’t cook. I wanted to make steak and cheese sub. It will have to be another day. I ordered Mexican food. Tacos and taquitos. OMG it was so fricken good. I couldn’t finished all of them. I saved one taco and one taquito. I then went up to my room to rest. Legs have never been this bad. I am used to my ankle being a bitch but legs, both of them, being so sore is not something I am used to. Also my left knee seems to act up while having my legs out. It was bothering me when I woke. I was in a fetal position so not sure why it hurt.

I wish I didn’t have to go out tomorrow. It is going to be yucky. I am trying to drink a lot so I am not dehydrated. I don’t want there to be difficulty finding my veins. I also need to drink a lot so that I can possibly pee so I can give a urine sample. I hate urine retention so bad.

I am trying to massage my legs to get the soreness out of them. I am supposed to go downstairs for my nephew’s birthday but I hurt too much. My sister told me about three hours before the time. Thanks, sis. I am not the uncle or anything. I am so tired of being the last to know about these things. Oh well. I texted my nephew already. I just want to stay in my bed. This going out on consecutive days sucks.

I think I am the Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I think I am the Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going…

I had set my med and wake alarm at the same time. One woke me up. I got a few hours sleep as my pain was keeping me up. My mood was too as I had hit the suicidal lows. I know I was ecstatic about the book but like anything good that happens, it doesn’t seem to last long and my mood drops severely.

My groceries came a little after 0930, which gave me plenty of time to go to the Square to get the beef I needed for chili cornbread casserole and Starbucks which I was craving severely by this point. I figure I would take the new journal and break it in with stuff I always keep in the beginning of the book. I had breakfast as I had my yummy espresso. I cut it down to four shots, mostly to be saving money. I will get more if I have a crummy night sleep and then need to be somewhere.

After I finished eating, I tried to write but I grabbed the pen I accidently washed. It was self-contained and I am glad it was because it exploded. I got ink all over my hand. Nice. I packed up and went to the butcher shop. I looked over the ground beef selection and fish. Fish was ridiculously priced. It was like $10/lb and most of the packages were not even close to a pound. I went to the register and then went to the bus stop, almost forgetting my espresso.

I had to go to Walgreens for my mother. I also had some coupons that were going to expire so I did a little shopping. I got stuff for my mother and I. I had no idea what I bought was going to be so fricken heavy. I mean I got a 4lb bag of sugar and it felt like a ton. I guess between my two journals and the sugar, I was carrying a lot. I also got some other stuff but nothing really heavy. I guess I was tired with the heat and carrying stuff just was not in the works. I had to take breaks so it was a long walk home.

I had forgot to take out the corn for the casserole so I had to wait a bit before cooking. I rested a bit and showed what I bought to my mother. I put it away. She was happy I got the stuff off. I told her I couldn’t get the Dawn dish detergent because they didn’t have a scent I liked as the blue was out of stock. She said why and I said because I don’t want to smell apples while washing dishes.

I got tired of waiting and started cooking the onions and then the beef. When the beef was close to done, I put the oven on. While the beef was going through the last few minutes of cooking, I got the cornbread mix ready. I had bought some milk because my mother had very little left. I guess that was also heavy in addition to the sugar I was carrying. It was only a half-gallon. I wanted a quart but they didn’t have them, just half and gallon. Oh well. When the beef was done, I mixed the other ingredients in and then put the milk in the bowl with the cornbread mix. I put the beef mixture in the Pyrex dish and then poured the cornbread mix. I didn’t spread it evenly. I had the oven on 400 degrees. It took forever to cook and brown. Last time I made it, I didn’t cook it long enough so parts of it was not cooked. There was no egg in it so it is okay to eat. I didn’t want to put the whole two boxes in but I did. Next time I won’t put all of it (like I said last time (shrugs)).

While the casserole was cooking, I made lemon pudding for the pie I wanted to make. I put the pudding in the graham crust and…I didn’t have enough pudding because the crust was bigger than I thought it would be. Crud. I put the cool whip on it anyway. It is still in the fridge. I’ll have some later. I was fricken hot. I wanted my bed and the AC. The cornbread was taking forever so I did the dishes. I then waited some more. My battery on my phone was draining. I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Come On, Come On album as today is the 26th anniversary of its release. I love the album. I was singing along. I don’t think there is a song I dislike on it. I have listened to it so many times that even if there was, it probably grew on me.

My doc changed the time we were supposed to meet. Now I am seeing her Friday instead of tomorrow. I am glad because the bus I take home is being rerouted due to a 4th of July thing. I went upstairs to cool off as the casserole was done and it needed to “rest”. I was conflicted as to whether I would have a slice or have a leftover burger. I had a burger and then went upstairs. I am so damn tired and wanted a nap. I tried to take one but my foot cramped up. I took some magnesium rather than an Ativan. I have not been drinking fluids today, which is probably why I cramped. I have been trying to drink water or Powerade but I haven’t been that thirsty.

I am now listening to the Sox hammer the Angels. They have a 6-0 lead right now. Hope Porcello doesn’t cough it up.

How a grumpy day turned awesome!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

How a grumpy day turned awesome (skip to end if you don’t want the boring parts)

I woke up grumpy. I kept waking up at odd hours, mostly because I was afraid I was going to sleep through my alarm. When the alarm finally went off, I was not wanted to get out of bed but my bladder forced me too. I used the bathroom before I took my meds. There was no waiting. I guess I had been holding it for some time and it wanted to be emptied now. After I went, I brushed my teeth. It was only after I had rinsed my mouth I realized I still had to take my meds. Fuck. That meant water and it was too early for that. It would make me puke. I took them with powerade anyway.

I then got a text message saying the bus I needed to take was 20 minutes behind. I got two of them so fuck leaving in 45 minutes. I had to leave now, going a different way. I got dressed quickly. I went downstairs and gave my mother the check for tomorrow so she could go to the bank. I told her I would be home sometime in the afternoon and she said today in a demanding tone so I said no tomorrow in a sarcastic tone and she yelled at me. Fuck you and I left (I didn’t say that or I wouldn’t be typing right now. I went to the bus stop. I checked the bus app to see when one would be coming and it said a few minutes. I didn’t feel like putting my headphones on. I wanted coffee badly. When I got to the station, where I planned on getting my caffeination, it was closed. Just lovely. I got my pass for the month and went to catch the train. The train came and I had to get one another one to get to my stop. That train was heading back to Boston. Fucking fuck. A switcharoo this early in the morning?? UGH. I got on the train to go one stop. Then this Chinese lady raced for the elevator and I waited for the next one. It was full of people so I waited for them to exit. A guy came on before I did and nearly closed the door on me. WTF. I hoped the bus I had to take to PT would be coming soon and it did.

I had a half hour before my appointment so I went to Dunks and had their coffee. It was decent. I also had a sandwich to try and get me out of the grumpy mood. My hip was hurting me and I forgot my breakthrough meds. This was just great. Around 1030, I walked to the PT office building and waited for my PT after I checked in. She got me and asked how I was and I told her my hip was really bothering it, you aren’t touching it today. And if you tried, I will yell at you. She said okay. I told her I did my exercises yesterday and she was happy. I did about three clamshell before my hip said no more. I told her I think I had the pillow too high. She said try a lower pillow so I will. We did the exercises she gave me to make sure I was doing them right. Then she said she was going to do myofacial release and I got scared. I said I will yell at you if you hurt me. She then showed me what she was going to do on my left arm. I then told her, that huh, that was probably not a good arm and showed her the bruise my doorway gave me. She asked how I got it and I said I was attacked by my doorway! She laughed. She showed me what she was going to do on my good arm and I said okay but be careful. I had stuff to do today and didn’t want to be in more pain by the end of the day than I want to be. As she was doing it, she kept creeping up to the area that hurt and I said watch it. She said ok. She did it for a few minutes and then it was over. I didn’t feel any different. My hip still hurt the same. She then asked about appt and I made two more.

I missed the half past buses and had to wait nearly a half hour to get back to the station. My hip was not happy as I had to stand. I was doing everything, walking around, standing on a wall, shifting my weight, all the while cursing myself for forgetting my pain meds. I was listening to my country music. Finally the bus came but the only seat available was the one facing the buildings where my father used to live. I closed my eyes so memories wouldn’t come flooding back. I had to wait for the train. The time thing was wrong. I waited more than 1 minute for the train, maybe 5-8. I was standing so my hip was thrilled as well. I got on the train and took a grumpy selfie. I was so pissed. I still had to connect to another train line to get to my therapist’s office. I got to the connection and followed the sign to where I thought said Alewife. It turned out to be the other end. I was pissed. I went back upstairs and asked the train employee where to connect to the Alewife side of the red line. She showed me. More stairs. Fun!!! I wanted nothing more than 4 shots espresso at this point. I was very tempted to leave this train and walk to another station but knew that would kill me.

I got to the stop and the Starbucks was closed due to renovations. Just made my day that much greater!!! I went to a coffee shop I used to like and got an iced coffee that tasted like shit. It costed me nearly $5 so I drank it, but only about half of it. I didn’t want to get sick. I wrote in my journal about my day so far and what I hoped to talk to my therapist about. When it got close to appointment time, I used the bathroom and then packed up my stuff to go.

Therapy went okay. We talked about my mother being a bitch the past few days. He asked if I could move out and I said not unless rent suddenly became wicked cheap. He was curious to know where I lived so pulled up my address and Google had my house. Haha so weird. He said I was in the middle of nowhere. I said there were two bus lines I was near and one went to the Square where I connect to see you. He found that explanatory. Then I told him about my sodium levels. He told me about some antipsychotics that could be for mood disorders and I said those aren’t really being used solely for mood stabilizers. I then listed what I knew and the story of Tegretol and Trileptal, how they came to be. I also gave a story about how I told a resident how come they didn’t show in a tox screen, though I don’t remember which was qual and which was quant. I just knew just because you were on Trileptal, you weren’t going to get a level unless you ordered it as a sendout test.

So I decided to go to the place I wanted to order Chinese food rather than have it delivered. I was still grumpy. My mother called and I let it go to voicemail. I didn’t want to talk to her, or to anyone really. Just let me listen to my music and leave me the fuck alone. So the bus finally came. I got to the stop where the food place was and they were closed. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? I had to wait for another bus home. The bus driver was an asshole. He didn’t lower the bus so I could get on. I tripped and had to start again. Then after I waved my pass he didn’t wait till I was seated. I wear a fucking AFO brace. But I guess that doesn’t mean anything to anyone!! I am going to report him.

So past two days I have been getting UPS notification that a delivery is coming my way but I don’t recall ordering anything that had a UPS delivery. I was very perplexed. I come home finally, my belly growling, pissed off, with two packages for me. One was SE Hinton’s book that I ordered. The other was from Wiley. Odd. I don’t remember ordering a book from them. I get to my room. Open the package and it is this:

A little background. Someone 2-3 years ago were searching specifically for a citation that John Sommers-Flannagan had written and I wrote about in one of my papers on my blog. I made mention when I found out Dr. John was on Twitter. We have been in touch off and on. He post maybe 2 years ago he was looking for people to edit his coming book on counseling. I responding saying that I don’t have a professional degree but I have plenty of lived experience. He took a chance and I DM’d him my private email. He sent me a chapter and I read it/edit and gave my thoughts on it, etc. Then maybe a year ago he sent an email about acknowledgements. I wrote back to him with just my name as I didn’t have any credentials. (still no clue where the National Institute of Education came from). Today I got the book and it totally made my day!!! I am so fricken happy. I ordered my Chinese food while sending pics every where and to everyone! So that is how I got in the book.