Tag: chronic pain

Ramblings 320

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

I was in a lot of pain after dinner. I took my night meds around 1900 and then read Twitter. One author I follow had retweeted an actor/comedian about his movie the Big Sick. He said it was free on Amazon Prime so I decided to watch it on my Kindle fire. It is really good. It took my mind off the pain for a couple of hours.

My foot started acting up once I started moving. I had to go to the bathroom and when I stood, OMG, it dos not like it one bit. My ankle and foot felt like it was fused. I couldn’t move them and if I tried, I was in mega pain. Going down the stairs was difficult. I did my business and then decided to taste test the stuffing my mother made. It wasn’t in the fridge. It was at the other end of the house, on our front porch. It was good. My foot didn’t like going around the house. Hated going back up the stairs even more. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I am hoping to sleep soon.

I checked my bank account and it was off. I logged on and Zipcar had charged me $70. WTF. My first thought was someone hacked into my account. I went on the Zipcar site and learned it was the annual fee. Fuck. My therapist is not getting paid this month. I wish they had sent me a notification saying they were going to charge me so I could have budgeted it. Assholes. That really set me back. I will still have some money after everything is said and done but I hate skipping a bill because it is hard to play catch up. Next month I should be able to double it, provided no unexpected expenses come up.

I am really tired of being in pain all day. I wish I could stay in my room all day tomorrow but I got to do the family thing. I just hope i am not going up and down stairs all day because I’ll refuse. I don’t want to flare up if I don’t have to.

My mother was cold earlier so I had to turn up the heat, even though it was like 50 degrees out at the time. Now it is 38 and the heat kicked on. It is not cold in my room but it will be roasting soon.  I still have the window open and I think it stopped raining. I rather be cold than hot.

I am going to see if I can find another movie to watch that is free. If not I’ll call it a night and snooze, I hope. Hopefully the pain meds settle the pain a little so I can sleep. I still can’t believe I’ve been in pain from 0730 continuously till now which is 2300. That is nuts. It is just awful.

got things done despite horrible pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got things done despite horrible pain

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning when my alarm went off. But my bladder said I had to so I did. My foot hated me when I stood up. It got worse as I walked to the stairs and was murder going down the stairs. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I was feeling nauseous and fought the gags. I really thought I was going to hurl. I made it back up to my room and took my meds. I wanted to go back to bed but needed to get my haircut and go to the RMV for name and gender change. I got dressed and left.

It was raining but warm, which meant I had to stand while I waited for the bus. My foot despised me. I made it to the square and I was still nauseous so I only ordered 4 shots of espresso and a bagel, hoping the bagel would settle my stomach. It did. While on the bus, I ordered my laptop. I had to pay $20 in tax, which I was not happy about but who is? After I finished my bagel, I went to the barber shop. To my surprise, there were already people waiting. Shit. I was able to get my barber and we got caught up and made chit chat. He did a good job, as always.

I decided to take the train to the RMV rather than take the bus because I didn’t want to be soaked by the time I got there. I was kind of irritable and tired. I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I also didn’t wait too long for to be called when I got to the RMV. The lady changed everything and I got a new picture and signature. The picture is awful as there were dark rings under my eyes that looked like I had blackeyes. I then went home.

My foot was really hurting but I was hungry so I ordered a turkey BLT as a celebratory meal. It was very good. My mother was baking and using every available counter and table space available to her. I just went up to my room after I ate in my sister’s apartment. I took some more pain meds and tried to sleep but the pain was too great. It got worse as time went on. It has now reached beyond excruciating. I took another pain med.

If it wasn’t raining, I think I would try to end my life. I am just so sick of being in pain. I am so depressed and hopeless that things are always going to be like this. I hate not being able to get ahead of the pain or rest. I am so fricken tired and tomorrow I need to be around family. I am glad I don’t have to leave the house. I can just go downstairs when everything is ready to eat.

For the past hour, it seems like every 15 minutes I am getting a text from the T saying there is a delay, either with a bus I take or the red line. I blocked it. I am not going anywhere the next few days so I really don’t care if there are delays. I just hope I remember to turn it back on on Monday. I should have grabbed my night meds and put them by the bed so I wouldn’t have to get up again. Idiot I am.

Now that I got the RMV out of the way, I just need to update one credit card, my cell phone, Zipcar, and passport. Zipcar sent me a reminder that my license is due to expire in a month. No shit. Soon as I get my new license in the mail, I will update that. I am glad my list is not so overwhelming as it was.

To my US readers, I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for your readership. Don’t eat too much turkey! Gobble, Gobble!

a day of baking in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of baking in pain

I fell asleep sometime after 2000, only to wake up around midnight. I stayed awake for a few hours. I think I went back to sleep sometime after 0300. I woke up 6 hours later in pain. My back was hurting. It went away after moving about some. I got my spare change and went to Stop and Shop to turn it in and buy a few items. The change came to like $9 and the 3 items I bought, butter, a dozen and a half of eggs, and Cheerios, came to about $7. I went back home.

My foot wasn’t hurting me but once I started preparing for baking, it flared. I made 2 Nantucket cranberry cakes. One was regular and the other was gluten free. I made the gluten free one first. I tasted the batter and it was awful. It left such a nasty after taste that I drank some almond milk to make it go away. It didn’t work. I was really tired after making this one cake so I rested a little bit before making the second one. For some reason, the batter was different. It usually is thick but it wasn’t. It tasted okay with the regular flour. I don’t know why it was thin. I did use a little more vanilla extract than it called for so maybe those extra drops thinned it. I don’t know. It cooked okay. Both cakes kind of caved in after they cooled off, which was weird. That didn’t happen before. My foot was absolutely killing me after I put the 2nd cake in the oven. I put on the timer and then went upstairs to take some pain meds.

I basically just played with my phone for about a half hour or so. My mother needed the oven so she could make dinner. I was waiting all day for my PT to respond to my emails about resuming PT. Apparently, their facility needs clearance after a hospital admission, even though I was admitted for psych not medical. So weird. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her to contact my PT to clear me. I see the PT next Tuesday. She wants me to do a pain and restorative function program but I am not sure I want to do it. It meets like twice a week and it is an all day thing where you go in at like 0830-1430 or so. It’s a combination of meeting with a pain doc, an OT, and PT. It sounds pretty intensive and I am not sure I am up for it as my stamina has not been so great. My former PCP wanted me to try it but I never got a chance to even look at it as my father got sick and then died. It was hard to deal with at the time juggling everything. I don’t know if I want to continue in the PT this therapist has because I just am not motivated to do the things she wants me to do. The depression is making everything harder and just getting out of bed is a hassle.

I went to the Dell website and tomorrow I will be getting the laptop I want. It is just a little more than $250. I hope I budgeted right. I am getting my haircut tomorrow for the RMV. I really don’t want my pic to be a Chia pet right now as my hair is all over the place. I hope I am not there all day. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow morning so I will be wearing my AFO instead of the boot. I set my alarm for 0715 so I can catch the 747 bus. The barbers open at 0830. I want to be in and out. Hope there are no bus delays, I won’t be happy if there are.

Appts for the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Appts for the day

I got about 2.5 hours of sleep. I was up till around 5 because my pain was bad. I made it to starbucks for espresso and then left to go to the registration department at my hospital to change my name. It took about 5 minutes to do as I was the only person there. When I got to my psych’s office, I had them print me an extra label so I could take a pic of it but they cut off my last name when they ripped it from the machine. Oh well. My psych took me early, which was good. She usually runs late. She signed the paperwork for the RMV and we talked about the hospitalization not being helpful. I also told her the Zoloft was making me nauseous. We agreed to decrease it to 25 mg and if it still was making me sick, I could stop it.

While I was meeting with her, my PT called and left a message. I emailed her. She told me that I could go through some pain program and sent me information on it. She said that I needed to be cleared before going back to PT and I am not sure why that is as this was a psych admission not a medical one. Even when I tried to make an appt with my PCP’s office they had no idea what I was talking about. I emailed her again for clarification. I made an appt with her for next week, which I hope I can keep.

After my psych appt, I went into Boston to find the RMV. I am so glad it is around the corner from the train station. I will go there Wed. After finding it, I came home and wanted to rest for a bit before leaving for my therapy appt but my ankle acted up and I was not able to rest. I made some tea and then went to the bus stop to catch the bus.

Therapy went okay, though I need some time processing it. He got shrinky on me as before we ended he said that my “mommy and daddy issues were the real issues not my current ones”. Basically, because I haven’t dealt with my parents’ rejection and neglect, they were causing my problems, not my physical pain and suicidality. Whatever. I’ll write a blog on that once I think more about it. I am too tired.

On the way home, my ex-ex-girlfriend texted me and then “took a nap”. She does this to me all the fucking time and I am sick of it. She asked how I was doing and I didn’t answer her. I told her I was going to bed and then she said that I “ignored her for two days”. Um, text works both ways. I didn’t hear from her either. I was in bed sleeping most of the last two days. Kind of hard to text someone when you are sleeping all day. Then she called me a freak and that I was free to delete her. I blocked her number and then blocked her on Facebook. Fuck her. I don’t need drama in my life.

Went upstairs to my room and my bones in my ankle and foot flared up. I so want to fucking sleep!!!! I was in the boot for most of the day. Hope my night meds knock me out. Day 3 of supplement and haven’t noticed anything except my appetite seems to be low. I am eating but only 1 to 2 meals a day. I made an egg and cheese burrito and then had cereal when I came home from therapy. I was going to make hot dogs but didn’t feel like making them. I haven’t lost anything yet but I am only weighing myself weekly. I really just want to lose the belly fat but don’t know if that is possible. Still have 27 days on the stuff so only time will tell.