Tag: chronic pain

Darkest depression and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Darkest depression and other things

Yesterday I wanted to write a blog but couldn’t get the words together. I haven’t been eating. Sunday I had only a protein bar. Yesterday was just a bologna sandwich. I spoke with my psych as she wanted me to talk. She is worried about how much weight I have lost and not having an appetite. I am to call her tomorrow to check in and I am scared she might say hospital. I lost another five pounds so that makes twenty over the course of one month. I am losing five pounds per week, all because I am barely eating. I haven’t had anything to eat today. I want to order my from my favorite roast beef place but it is a lot of food so not sure it would be worth spending $15 for food and not be able to eat it.

I went to PT today even though my back was sore. I took an Uber there as it has been easier than trying to navigate public transportation. I am progressing slowly. My PT tried to point out the good but I was too hopeless to hear or take in what she was saying. I just felt like a failure because all week I haven’t been able to do my exercises.

After PT, I went to the grocery store to get some more Powerade and the chicken patties I have been craving. I also bought dinosaur chicken nuggets. If I eat some, maybe that will be better than nothing. My back was still killing me from walking around the store so I took an Uber home. I am glad I did. I then went to the dumb new pharmacy to pick up my meds and asked about the other one that was N/A. It didn’t transfer over so I got to call the doc to resend it. Nearly every prescription I have done with the app or had my doctor send over, I had to call about. I’ve never dealt with such incompetence before. I have let the upper management know they suck and even though I have used them since I moved here in 1992, I am teetering on moving to another chain. I am not going to go through this hassle every month!

I came home and I didn’t want to eat. I am hungry because my stomach is growling. I just have no desire to eat. My mother is making stir fry with rice. I will try and eat some of that. I am starting to feel weak from not eating. I’ve never had depression this bad that I stopped eating like this. My psychiatrist even said I am not myself, that this isn’t me. She has never known me to not eat. I feel so blah that I don’t care.

My sister has moved in. My mother has been after me for two days trying to clear my office stuff from the living room. I can’t do anything today. Yesterday I cleared out some of the stuff that is in a huge box, hence why my back is so damn sore. I won’t be able to do anything until it calms down. I am almost through with the stuff and then I can make room for the bins downstairs. Think once the box is done, I will go through my bookcase first and take down some books/binders that are not being used nor care to look at anymore. I can move some of the books on the floor on the shelves. Hopefully that will be done this week but I am really not sure. It all depends on how things go with my psych tomorrow.

Protected: When the cubic model of suicide is 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.

Foul mood continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Foul mood continues

I was in a really bad mood the past few days. Pain was at an all time high early in the evening last night, like around 5 pm. I was in so much pain I wanted to take my night meds and a melatonin just so I could sleep. But I didn’t fix my med boxes so I had to do that. I waited until the pain med took some points off before standing up again. Of course, that made the pain come back. After I did both boxes I relaxed a bit and was in complete misery.

I posted on Twitter something to the effect of how rotten and semi suicidal I was. A social worker that I befriended sent me a DM and we talked for a bit. I kind of unloaded on her and how I wasn’t seeing a therapist at the moment. She said she would try and help, if she could. She told me she was an attempt survivor so understands. I was careful not to reveal too much about my plan. We talked about my mood and stuff. She says a DBT or CBT therapist would be helpful as well as a DBT group. I have no idea if there are any around anymore. The local mental health service in my area had one but they moved or were taken over by a company, which I have been referred to. I am just waiting until I am a little bit more steady on my feet before calling as traveling there is a hike. I would have to take a bus to the station then a train then another bus to the place. This is in the city next to mine. There is a location in my city but I honestly have no idea how to get there as it is a few blocks behind a bus stop that can only be reached via the Square. I cannot walk the several blocks from my house to the end of the road to catch it so I would have to go to the Square to pick it up. I haven’t taken the bus since they closed the bridge. I wanted to go there today for a haircut but I woke up in pain so haven’t done anything today except pick up my prescriptions. One is still pending and another is too soon. I have no idea if it will be in stock at the new pharmacy that I detest right now. I was telling the girl at the old pharmacy that I was thinking of going to another chain and she jumped down my throat saying I couldn’t do that. I just looked at her like, are you kidding me? I can go where ever I want. Sorry.

My mother made hamburgers tonight and I hope my stomach doesn’t do flip flops later on tonight. It wasn’t really greasy so I don’t think it will, I hope so anyway. I had finished off the custard pie I made the other day. That was my Breakfast/lunch. I wanted to grab a few slices of pizza but my mother said she was making burgers. Maybe I will get them tomorrow. I need to go to stop and shop after PT to get some Powerade. I am out and only have half a bottle of Gatorade left. I won’t be able to get groceries until Thursday. My PT is not going to be happy I didn’t do my exercises all week. I just couldn’t between feeling down and recovering from back to back days of trying to clear out my office and going to PT. I was down for three days. Saturday I did a lot of standing clearing out more than a few drawers of stuff. I got to clear out this big box I have in my room. My black bins can go in that space. I will have to find another spot to throw my jeans and sweatpants for outside. I then have to clear out the space in front of my window so my file cabinet can go there. I think it can fit there but I am not sure. I have no idea where my bookcases will go. My mother wants me to keep my leather chair but I don’t. She won’t let me have it in the living room so why keep it? Then she says when the two rooms are built for my sister, I will have the room again. I don’t give a fuck anymore because I am not going to be around. So they can figure it all out when I am gone.

Free falling with no safety net

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Free falling with no safety net

I didn’t think I would write a post today. I had been working on my office, going through my stuff, throwing away, recycling, or giving to goodwill. I was hurting but it was bearable. I didn’t eat much all day. I really have no appetite. I had a protein bar at like 3 am and didn’t eat again till twelve hours later. I made a custard pie that took forever because my oven sucks. I had a slice of that. It was so good.

Right now my right heel and my left metatarsals are competing as to who is going to hurt more. Right now my left is (the CRPS one). I am having so many symptoms of CRPS right now that I doubt I will sleep even though I am exhausted.

I was talking to my mother about my desk. She doesn’t want to get rid of it. FFS. My sisters and I had agreed to toss it because it is much to large and heavy to move. It is too big for my bedroom. And there would be no point if they end up tearing my rug out. I think the floor is rotten and needs to be done because there have been spots that have some up through the rug and we aren’t sure why. It might be mold. I know the drywall where my headboard is needs to be redone because the bubbling has spread. Whether or not that is due to mold, I have no clue. I don’t understand why it wasn’t addressed when I wasn’t moved in and it could have been replaced. But my room had just been painted and I think they didn’t want to mess with it. I don’t know. I just go along with things.

My aunt had come over and between her and my mother calling me my birth name and “she”, it set off my gender dysphoria. My boobs still feel really heavy. I know I am losing weight because I have no appetite. I can’t wait till next week when I can order my chicken patties and fish. I won’t be able to place my order until Wed, though I am not sure I will be able to as I need to pay off my cell phone in full on Monday, which doesn’t leave me with much afterwards. My full check on Wed will need to go toward all my bills.

I am listening to Celine Dion. I bought a few songs of hers that I haven’t listened to in a while. Seems Amazon has a knock off version of her songs and I foolishly bought 4 and then had to buy the correct 4. Damn assholes. I hate iTunes worse so I will stick with Amazon for now.

Left foot has gone berserk. I thought I had the phone far enough away but I didn’t. It is now buzzing intensely from the sound waves. I just took a melatonin to help me sleep. I hope it overrides the exhaustion to make me sleep. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. He would have been 87. My sisters and I plan on going to the track. I really don’t want to as I don’t gamble (I have no clue how to bet on horses). I rather just have a family dinner. I was overruled. I don’t seem to have a say for anything anymore. I feel like I don’t matter to my family at all. Just adds gas to the suicidal fire. Last night, I wrote another suicide note. I think I took a pic of it and posted it on Twitter, not knowing if anyone can read my scribble. It was handwritten. I have been trying all day not to think about my dark side and now, with the pain, it is so hard to fight it. I might as well give in. I am not worth anything. As my chemistry teacher told me long ago, we are just a bag of chemicals. That is all we are.