Tag: chronic physical pain

baking on a cold, rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baking on a cold, rainy day

I had a difficult sleep. My alarm went off and I was disoriented as I didn’t know what the noise was. I shut it off and waited a few minutes before getting up to take my meds. Then I went back to sleep, which was oblivion for me. I woke up and because it was dark and cloudy, I had no idea of the time. I hoped it wasn’t after 2pm and when I reached for my phone, it wasn’t. It was around 1230. Perfect. I went downstairs. Brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. Then I made a fried egg. I wanted to make the lemon loaf today. I took my time before committing to it. I was still tired and wanted coffee. I had bought the premade Starbucks iced coffee. I made that. One of my creamers was knocked down and leaked. There was nothing left in the container. There was only a little bit in it anyway so not a huge leak. I grabbed my half and half. I thought it was the opened one and it wasn’t. WTF. I grabbed the opened one and used it all. I opened the one that was new and put it back in the fridge. Least I wouldn’t have to struggle with the damn top to open it when I used it next.

After I had my coffee and food, I decided to make it. I got all the ingredients ready. I had no idea 8 oz of sour cream equaled a cup. I had opened one and I am glad I bought another one, which is sweet because I like having sour cream with my chimichangas. I mixed everything together and then I put the batter in the loaf pan with the parchment paper. As I was pouring the batter, one side of the parchment paper got jealous of not having batter so got in the way. Yea, so I had to scrap that off and then pour again. I didn’t flatten out the sides too well as the paper was indented in the batter. I didn’t really care. Popped it in the oven and waited for it to cook. When it was done, I let it cool and then put it on a rack. I took off the paper and one end had a huge indent. Looked like the butt of a chicken (as you will see in the photo). I made the glaze and it didn’t taste right. I asked my mother if this was thick enough and she said no. I added regular sugar rather than powdered as it tasted chalky. I made it a little thicker. The loaf had cooled off and then I put the glaze on. It didn’t stay on top! It all fell to the bottom of the cake holder. I suck at this. I didn’t eat it (though I wanted to) because my mother was making dinner and would be upset if I got full off the loaf and not her pork chops.

I went upstairs to relax. It was cold in my room. I played on my phone for a while. I mostly been on Facebook all day. I have decided to take a Twitter break right now. Last night I got really upset because of all the shit of the hearing and everyone had an opinion on the lying assaulting bastard. I hated that the fucking gov’t was interfering with the FBI, telling the FBI who it can and can’t contact. There were conflicting reports on this. One said it could contact people and then another saying it couldn’t. Both tweets were “BREAKING” and not by a news source so I don’t believe either. People seem to want to add “breaking” to their tweet just to get RT and likes. Pathetic!!! I do know the FBI was limited. I don’t know if that has been lifted or changed. And I heard that the Dotard is somehow involved in who and who can’t be talked to so I don’t know what to fucking believe. It is a damn circus. I find it upsetting because as a survivor of abuse, this is just triggering. This is why I didn’t report my abuse. And I will never come forward with my ex who raped me because it will be a she said kind of thing. It has been going on for more than a week now and I am sick of it. The Senate will vote anyway so shows how much they fucking care about the integrity of the man they are putting in for a lifetime commitment. But the Senate is so corrupted anyways it isn’t even funny.

I have no distractions until Friday, when baseball will be played. We have no idea who we are playing until the results of tomorrow night’s game. I don’t know who I want to win. Oakland has been tough all year with us. The snakes are the snakes but might be easier to beat as I don’t think most players have been in the postseason before. I am just worried about game 2 as OverPrice is pitching. He might wake up with an ass ache and decide he isn’t going to pitch or goes ahead and pitch poorly. I hope he opts out this year. I don’t want to see his face on my team anymore. He has been nothing but drama the day he signed the contract.

Sunday Blog 30 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 30 Sept 18

I am really upset, at this damn condition and my mother. I attempted to make this blasted lemon loaf. It is getting to be a huge pain in the ass. What I zested at the beginning of Sept was not enough. I bought more lemons as I needed the juice. I’m glad I did. I bought 4 and had 1 left over from my last grocery order. I juiced by standing as it was then only way to get the leverage. Then zested 3 lemons to get the 1 tablespoon I needed. Was tired and my foot started buzzing. I decided to not go through with baking. I told my mother and she laughed at me, basically saying I am a wimp. Sorry ma. I am not like you where resting for a bit helps to calm down down pain. I sat the whole time I zested all 5 lemons. Then I made supper (just heated up a burrito) and watched the ball game. My foot said FU not even an inning of watching the game and eating. I just want to cry. I feel defeated and ashamed because my mother made me feel bad. She suffers from chronic pain and doesn’t get it. Taking my breakthrough med.

I posted this to my support group. I then watched some funny videos and that helped to cheer me up some. I hate that my mother is not a supportive person. I don’t get how you can do this to your kid. She doesn’t support or accept me for being transgendered. I haven’t told her I am going on T. I want to see if she notices changes and then maybe as I become more masculine, maybe she will get a fucking clue that this is who I am not the picture in her head of me. I hate her for this. Yes, I will continue to be her caregiver and help her financially every month as long as I am living here. I just seriously need to find a place to accommodate my disability. A friend told me to look at the elderly services thing as that usually is where disabled people get help as well. She also said there will be a waiting list. I knew there would be, which sucks.

A weird thing happened when I woke up. I don’t know what time it was because I couldn’t move. I just laid there trying to move my legs or arms and they stayed where they were. I could open my eyes and look around but that was it. It took a while before whatever it was wore off and I could get up to pee. I am lucky I didn’t wet the bed as it was a while before I was able to move again. It was 1244 when I looked at the clock on my phone. This never happened to me before. Usually I wake up and don’t want to move but I am able. This was the first time I wasn’t able. I don’t know if it was sleep paralysis or what. I see my psychiatrist Friday and will tell her about it. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. It was really awful to just lay there not being able to move. I have heard of this happening to people. I don’t know if it happens during the night or when they wake up or what. It might have been that I was too tired. I know I had a pillow between my legs while I slept. When I did get up, I found the pillow on top of my bed. I have no recollection of moving it. I know around 8 I woke up and took my morning meds. That is the last thing I remember before waking up again and not moving. So weird.

Painful Saturday Blog 29 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painful Saturday blog 29 Sept 18

I woke up before 8 as bladder said so. I went and when I came back to my room and in my bed, my foot exploded. I took my morning pain meds. I waited a half hour and the pain didn’t calm down, I took a breakthrough med. There wasn’t a hell of a lot that I needed to do today but having pain that early in the morning was not good. The pharmacy wasn’t going to be open till 10. That gave it some time to settle down.

I made breakfast. I was going to make scrambled eggs and make it into a burrito. However, soon as I put the butter in the pan to melt, I forgot the scrambled part so had country style eggs. I put cheese in it and on the burrito tortilla. I barely finished it. It always makes me so full. I decided to make coffee. I ended up spilling it on myself. I went to take a sip and I tipped my cup before it reached my lips. Oops! So after I finished the coffee, I decided to shave and shower. My back didn’t like it. By the time I was finished shaving, I had to sit down. Whatever my brother in law did to the water control changed the hot/cold settings. I had it on half way and the water was warm so I moved it over a little bit more to get hotter water. I hate when it touches things because he always fucks things up.

Showering was fun as I had to sit down every 3 minutes or so. It wasn’t just my lower back that was hurting, my upper back was also cramping. I have no idea why this is happening. I hope when I go to the pain program they can figure out why this happens. I went upstairs and got dressed. I didn’t put my PJs on as it was after 10 and I needed to go to the pharmacy. I rested for a bit. Then I didn’t know what to wear, jeans or shorts. It was 65 degrees out so I opted for shorts. I was glad because I was halfway down the block before I realized I forgot my scripts at home. Do’h! I was sweating by the time I walked back to the pharmacy. I have no idea why I was sweating so much. It wasn’t really hot out or hot in the store. I guess the exertion of walking just makes me sweat, I don’t know. I had my cane with me because I didn’t want to wear my air cast for my sprain.

I came home and thought I would need another shower. I took off my shirt and it was soaked. I dried off and just rested. I wasn’t in too much pain. The pain meds were working. Around 1230, I got hungry again so made some bacon. I always use at least a quarter pound when I make my sandwich. I love bacon. And this time I didn’t get a pound of fat like I did last delivery. This was decent cut.

I came back to my room and my foot again flared up. It was about 4 hours after I took my meds. I waited to see if rest would calm it down. Twenty minutes later I was still hurting so I took another BT med. While I was waiting for it to work, I was reading Twitter. The game was on but it was on Fox and I hate that network. I didn’t feel like listening so just read Twitter. I read a thread about how an author who wrote about a princess hero keeps getting asked by educators, librarians, and parents when she will write a book about a boy hero. Her response is that there shouldn’t be a gender associated with a book and there are boys that like this book. But in the adult world, they hate to see that so make the assumption a boy hero is needed. It got me thinking about my books and why they are not selling well, if at all. I came up with this thread (a thread is a string of tweets that relate to what the Twitter writer strings together):

I was reading a thread about an author who wrote a princess hero and teachers/librarians/booksellers kept asking questions about when the author would write something for boys. The author said that the book was a book not a gender type thing. It got me thinking of my books. They haven’t been best sellers and I know part of it is that I need to promote them more. But family members have asked me to write happier books. I am not a happy person. I write the darkness that is inside of me. Some people can relate but most judge a book by its cover. It deals with #mentalillness, forget not touching it. It deals w #suicide not touching it. Why are things so scary for people to read? I share my pain so others can possibly understand and know they aren’t alone. I let the darkness out so it doesn’t stay inside to eat me up. Yes what I write can be scary to others. I guess I can relate to the author but on a different level.

Anxiety and not knowing it (my list of worries)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Anxiety and not knowing it (my list of worries)

Last night I was up due to a flare. I had done way too much and was hurting. I couldn’t sleep so I was thinking a lot of things. I pondered about stuff that happened during yesterday’s PT session. I realized then that I have a shit ton of anxiety that I am not even aware of most of the time. I think about things and think often of the worse. Like my PT was telling me, I didn’t re-injure myself, that it was just the muscle being overworked because I did too many reps of the strengthening exercises she was giving me. It took her most of the time to reassure me that I was okay. I didn’t resprain my ankle. What I was feeling was the muscle hurt because of overuse. She also reassured me that I was NOT getting CRPS in that foot because I injured it.

I never knew how much anxiety I was feeling. I never do. It’s always a million thoughts and worries and last night I started writing about them in my journal and there was a lot in those three pages I wrote. I am sure if exhaustion didn’t kick in, I could have probably finished the journal off. There are only about 10 pages left and then I will start another one. I really need to write more about this because I don’t think it is going to get better otherwise. I was reading an article about anxiety and ways to reduce it. One of the things mentioned was writing in a journal. I have noticed that when I can’t sleep and write down my thoughts, whatever they are, either in my blog or journal, but mostly journal as it is pen to paper, I feel more relaxed and can often go to sleep afterwards. I had been in the habit of writing in my journal since being disabled. Sometimes I would write three times a day, between my day and night journals. I have one I take with me and write in when I am at Starbucks or have some down time between appointments. Then I have one on my bed so I will write when I get home if I am frustrated and before I want to sleep. I kind of got away from it and it was only during times I couldn’t sleep that I would write.

Thing is, I am not really aware how my thoughts are affecting my emotions and causing me to be tense. I really have a disconnect between my emotions and feeling them. Most of the time, I don’t feel anxious. I feel calm but just worried about things. Like my mother and her rehab, my upcoming pain doc appointment, being in pain, wondering what my PCP is going to do/say when I see him next, etc. I also worry about my sisters and what is going on in their lives. I have a lot of these thoughts and then dealing with my cousin last night that pissed me off because he was flipping out over the weather. Not kidding, he was cursing because it was going to rain today. I have never seen him flip out before over something so stupid. He just made me so annoyed. I knew I shouldn’t have picked up the phone.

Then I worry about my country and the assholes that are ruining it. Also because of the Supreme Court nominee, my sexual abuse stuff has been stirred up big time. I can’t seem to stop the memories and the feelings attached to them. I haven’t told my therapist this. I want to get through this pain doc appointment first. And then you have the worry thoughts of going on hormones next week. While I am thrilled about it, I am thinking of every little detail of how this shot is going to be played out. I have a few hours before I see my therapist after the nurse shows me how to do it. I kind of want to give it before the appointment but worry I won’t do it right. My biggest concern is how to extract the contents of the vial without bending the needle and not breaking the vial because the damn needle is bigger than it. I am not supposed to bring the med with me but I am so the nurse can advise me on how to do this. I will feel better if she sees how small this vial is and how big the needle is. I might be worrying for nothing (anxiety talking) but I think it is a legit concern. I have spoken to a few of my friends who were nurses before they were disabled. They say it will be fine. I would kind of feel better if I had a smaller needle so I can extract the stuff, especially the last bits to make sure I get the correct dose when the vial is almost gone. The syringe I have is okay. I can figure out how the markings and stuff. I used to be a medical assistant so know how to draw but fuck. This is not for a patient. This is for me. And I will be injecting into my muscle!! I am kind of worried about that, too. I know it is better than gels or creams but fuck. I never gave myself an IM injection before. Subcutaneous, yes. We did that in school. It was nothing. I am not afraid of needles but this one is directed toward me. UGH. Sorry, I just realized I am going on and on about this. I must be more nervous about this than anything. But hell, it is got to happen if I am want to be more masculine. I am in the wrong body. I haven’t told my mother. I am not going to because I don’t want to hear what she has to say on the matter, which I know won’t be positive. I can’t deal with her about it.

I have been listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter because she can calm me down. She has such a soothing voice. I haven’t done a thing all day. My mother made pancakes so I will have that in the morning. Maybe I will make some bacon to go with it. I haven’t had her pancakes in quite some time. Only three games left in the regular season. We play the Snakes (NY Yanks). I am hoping for at least one win in the series. Post season starts next week. It will either be Oakland or Snakes. Hoping for Oakland, sort of only because I don’t want to play the snakes!!