Tag: chronic physical pain

rainy shitty day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy shitty day

It’s been raining off and on most of the day. My back has been a casualty of it. My lower back has been hurting most of the day. Despite this, I took a shower and made pancakes and coffee. I got really sleepy after I ate so I took a nap. It was a good nap and for the first time in months, I felt refreshed.

My mother had already made herself dinner. I heard her call me but I didn’t answer as I was so sleepy. I really didn’t want cheeseburgers for dinner anyway. I think I might make the frozen dinner that I have. I don’t want to cook again because I don’t want to hurt more than I am right now. As is usually the case, my ankle pain has settled down since my back is flaring. The hard part is sitting and standing. I can’t stand straight because it hurts too much.

The physical therapy office called while I was napping. I was very annoyed that the app that I use for voicemail has ads with sound in it. I could barely hear the lady talk as there was some kind of casino game playing. Usually the ads are silent. I hate the app. I much rather call into my voicemail using my phone. But Sprint no longer has that option with the new phones. Just annoys me. When I call tomorrow, I am going to see if I can see a PT that has experience with nerve related injury. Otherwise, there will be no point in seeing the therapist. I don’t have a normal ankle injury that will respond to normal physical therapy. I tried that and it hurt too much. I honestly don’t know what they can do but I will find out. The good thing is that they are down the street from me. I just need to take the bus. It kind of sucks because I can be early or late depending on the bus’s schedule. I rather be early so I can have time to prepare and just chill while waiting. I am surprised they called me right away. My PCP’s office faxed them this morning.

I honestly don’t know what PT is going to do as my ankle doesn’t go out on command. I am going to see what I can do to get around the house better when it does. Thing is, the prescription isn’t written to reflect that. It states that I need strength and conditioning exercises, which will only hurt not help me. I really wish I had a PCP that actually listened to what the patient wants rather than what he thinks they need.

Last night, I checked the balance on one of my old credit cards that I am paying off slowly. One more payment and I will be paid in full. I have been chipping at it slowly with each pay period and got done before the allotted time by a few months. I’m proud of myself for doing that. Now I just got to work on my other bills on my credit report to try and improve.

I was in no shape to bake today. I will try tomorrow if my back isn’t bothering me. It takes a little time preparing because you need to shred the zucchini. I’m still not sure if I am going to use baking powder rather than soda. I’ll ask my niece who bakes a lot and see what she thinks. She liked it last time so I want to stick with the recipe.

Pain continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders

I have been sleeping on and off all day. Pain has continued. My ankle hurts so bad. I just want to scream. 

Had a series of bad dreams, each one worse than the other. I don’t want to be anymore. I honestly can’t see myself in this much pain much longer.

I have therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. But it is too late now to cancel. I didn’t get any baking done. I did fill my pill boxes up for the week. Now I can try and sleep until I have to take them.

Foot Pain, Ankle Pain, Psychache, when will it end?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I feel asleep around 2100 only yo wake up 3.5 hours later. I had to use the bathroom. While I was there, I figured I might as well brush my teeth. My foot started hurting so I rushed.

I went back to my room and couldn’t settle down. It’s starting to be a never ending story of pain. Now my heart is breaking and I don’t know why. I should feel better now that I know my mother knows I am a man. I thought that would take away some of the depression but it hasn’t. I still feel hopeless.

I wrote a tweet and someone flagged it on FB. I got a message asking if I needed help or someone to talk to. The report is anonymous so I have no idea who reported me. I’m just glad no cops showed up at my door. 

I’m so tired of this crap. I’m sick of being in pain all the time. I wanted to make cookies and instead, I slept all day. I might do it later today. I love the cookies.  My niece wants me to frost them so I might so that. I think they taste better without the frosting. But, I can only make the cookies if my pain is down and it shows no sign of that happening. 

I never bought the zucchini. Maybe I will Monday when I am out. I really want to make the zucchini bread. I really like it and it is easy to make. One of my friends posted a recipe for dark chocolate molasses cookies but you need brown rice flour. I’m not sure where I can find that. I also need to buy molasses. Maybe the next time I am in the Square, I’ll look in the grocery store there. They have some organic stuff and might carry the rice flour.

I don’t know why I feel so much psychache. I guess it may be due to my friend not really loving me like she says she does. I’ve known this for a while now. I’ll go for days without hearing from her and then she will be in some crisis or another, needing to talk to me, usually late at night when I want to sleep. It just annoys me that the only time I hear from her is when she is feeling bad, like I don’t exist until she feels she needs me. I just learned to distance myself from her.

I had texted my therapist about the news about telling my mother that I am transgender. He responded. He is glad I did so. I also texted my former therapist and she never did. I don’t think she will. I emailed my psych and she didn’t respond either. I see her this coming Friday so I’m sure we will talk then. I should be feeling elated that my mother knows but I still feel like shit. I think the pain of my ankle/Foot is just bringing me down so much that I can’t feel anything else but misery. 

Not sure if I mentioned it but I have decided that Oct 10th I’ll be changing my name, legally. It will cost me around $200. I’m going to make sure I get enough extra paperwork so I don’t have to go back to the courthouse. I’m not sure how many I will need to change my name on various things. I’m excited and scared about taking this step in my transition. But none of that will matter if my pain causes me to end my life. 

It is a constant battle trying to keep myself here. It is a roller coaster of emotion all the time, from feeling deep despair and suicidal one minute to feeling ok the next. I know one day I will end my life. I just don’t know when that will be, sooner or later.

don’t give a fuck Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Don’t give a fuck Saturday

I woke up around 11 or so. I needed coffee. I had a late night listening to the ball game as they went into extra innings. We won 13-6 in the 15th. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I made coffee. I had a pop tart with it and then went up to my room. By the time I got to my room, my ankle flared up. I got really depressed. I took some pain meds and waited for them to work.

I decided to read for a bit hoping that would distract me from my pain. I finished my coffee and brought my cup downstairs. I ate some turkey breast and then decided to take a nap. My ankle wasn’t having none of it. I really wanted to die at this point. I couldn’t take anymore pain meds as I just took them. It was a gnawing type of pain all around my ankle bone. I posted some things on Facebook and took an Ativan. Then I put some lidocaine on my ankle, which the bone was tender to the touch. I then forced myself to lie down and try and sleep. I put the AC on energy saver so I wouldn’t freeze my ass off.

I just didn’t care anymore. My Buckeyes were playing and I could care less. My Huskers were too. Sox are playing now. I just want to sleep. I am tired of being in pain. Tired of being.