Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Foot is driving me nutso!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I’ve been trying to sleep since 2100. My mother wasn’t up in her room yet. I called to see if she was ok as with the AC on, I can’t hear things. She was okay. Her sugars had stabilized.

I got a blog that I read and wished I didn’t. It was about the lesbian protests or something like that in London during the Pride parade. What gets me is that anytime transgender is mentioned, it is almost always having to do with transwomen. I know I cannot be the only transman in the world. I know one came out in the Navy. I know there is another fellow in Oregon. We talk occasionally. We can’t be the only ones out there. So why isn’t it out there?? I just feel alone and invisible.

Then I started talking about suicide and someone tried guilt tripping me. I call it what it is and they say it is on me. Really? I will be fucking dead. How will I know what will happen to my family?? Am I supposed to be a ghost or something? Pissed me off.

My foot felt like it was in a pressure cooker. Then it felt like it was being crushed. Now my big toe is hurting big time. I call uncle, except I don’t think it works. I found my very last breakthrough med. Tomorrow I got to call and have them change the order and make sure the count is so I can take more than 1 a day. Otherwise the pharmacy won’t fill it and I’ll chop my fucking ankle off.

I will need a shower tomorrow. I hate showering. I need to shave my head to keep it bald. Also need to do a touch up of shaving because I missed some spots. My foot isn’t going to be happy. Then I got PT. Oh joy. Yes the curative physical therapy to increase mobility. This is interesting as I haven’t moved my damned ankle in 17 fucking years. It is a fucking joke. Oh and the damn pain clinic refuses to use CRPS. I have left ankle/foot pain. Can I bring a bat to my next appt and clobber them over the head?? Not to kill them, just to knock some sense in them or make them read my damn medical record that says why I need prescription pain medication. Fucking assholes.

I am done trying to say to them what I need. I have a better chance of winning the lottery. My foot is screaming. It is too late for gaba. I need to be up early enough to call the assholes and hope it doesn’t take a week to change the order. I can’t believe I was stupid and didn’t read it before I left. Ugh. Live and learn I guess.

Maybe 300 mg of gaba to calm some of it down. My PT is going to be unhappy with me. I’ve only done home exercises about 3 times. I couldn’t do it the 1st two days after our last session because my thigh hurt too much. Thursday I did it. Friday I was off to asshole’s office. Saturday I slept all day. Today I was in a fuck it mood.ok so what is that just one time? Oops I can’t count. We’ll just say 3 times. I probably am not going to see her anymore anyway. I really don’t want to. I think it is pointless to see her for my ankle/foot. I saw her before and I was in too much pain. And without breakthrough meds, forget it. I am tired of working through the pain.

I have no life. Just doc appts. I can’t remember a day I went to the Square just for fun, to have my espresso and write. Hasn’t happened in so long. Maybe February when I was trying to write the story in my head. It is gone now. Why bother writing it when I am going to die soon?

Part of me is trying to hang around. But with every painful flare, it gets less and less. Just do it runs through my head. Someday soon. I hope. Just do it…

hot and sleepy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hot and sleepy day

I woke up around 0100. I didn’t fall back to sleep until after 0300. I was playing with the AC settings so that it would be cool but not freezing in my room. I think I shut my AC off as I woke up hot before my med alarm went off. I took my meds and turned the AC on. I didn’t even check to see what the setting were. I just went back to sleep, hoping to sleep for a couple more hours and then get up to start the day.

I didn’t get up until 1330. I still wanted coffee. My mother’s sugar was low, though she didn’t tell me this. She asked for a pepsi but I needed to pee really bad so I used the bathroom, then she said forget it so I brushed my teeth. She was in the kitchen to gobble up some sugar. I knew what that meant, but I didn’t say anything. Freaking out wasn’t going to solve anything. I asked her if she wanted coffee and she said she did so I put the kettle on. I also made an egg as I was hungry. We had very little juice left and she doesn’t like my juice because “it is too sweet” so I planned on going to Stop and Shop. I have been craving a turkey sandwich so I figure I would get some turkey breast as well. I missed the bus and would have to wait an hour for the next one. I drank my coffee.

I checked the bus schedules to see which bus would come first. I thought I printed out both schedules but I printed out the same schedule twice. OOPS. I would have to wait for a half hour for the bus I printed out the schedule twice. I waited a few minutes and then got dressed. Then I went downstairs to get my bag ready. I inherited my father’s bag on wheels shopping cart. I took that. I should have taken a regular bag as well but didn’t think of it till I was at the bus stop. I could always buy another one when I got to the store. The bus took a long time to get here, even though it said 6 minutes. The sun was beating down on the stop, making it really hot. I got off at the stop and my mother called as I was in the middle of the street. I can’t see in the sun so waited until I was safely across before I got my phone out of my pocket. She wanted fricken eggs if they were on sale. For fucks sake! OK whatever.

I went to the deli to get the cold cuts. I wish I bought salami but forgot. Oh well. I then went to get the other stuff I needed. I looked at the juice my mother likes (from concentrate. I like not from concentrate.) I finally found a half gallon. I checked my list to make sure I had everything. My mother wanted the paper so I went to the front of the store to put it in my bag. The milk, juice, and creamer made the bag really heavy. I am glad it rolls away. Carrying it would hurt. I paid for my things and checked the time. The next bus would be here soon. I wanted to play the lottery but there was a long line. I left and waited for the bus. The bus driver was an asshole. People pressed the button but he didn’t stop. Then he yelled about it. So people pressed the button then yelled for him to stop. Jerk. I got off and was a sweating mess. I struggled to carry the items up the stairs. I went one step at a time and then called my mother to get the bag for eggs. It was light. She asked me why I bought jumbo and I said they were on sale. Then she said why the white ones. Because they were on sale. The brown ones were $2.39, large was $2.89 or something like that. I paid $1.89 rather than $1.59 like the sign said. Oh well. I didn’t tell my mother that. Hope I threw the receipt away because if she sees it she will get mad.

We had dinner and I am now resting in the cool air. I fix the setting on the AC to what they were before I touched them. For some reason, the energy saver doesn’t use the cool function. I need to get a new AC that is more energy efficient. This one is at least 10 years old, if not more.

My foot is talking to me. Sox won. Now I have the evening free. I want to watch a movie. I might watch Lincoln or maybe read. I don’t know. I’ll probably play with my phone until I get bored and go to sleep. I need to fill my med box for the week. Then I got to start writing good-bye letters. I think I will do that Tuesday. Some idiot on Twitter responded to my tweet about it. Wanted me to call a hotline. I did all I could from cussing her out. I deleted the tweet so no one else could respond to it. Still makes me mad because she doesn’t know a thing about me and comes out of the woodwork to say something that isn’t helpful. Bitch, go back to your happy place and leave me the fuck alone.

Saturday Blog 7 July 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 7 July 18

This is just going to be free thoughts. Nothing really happened today other than I’ve had a migraine all day. It went away and then came back. My vision was blurred so I took meds before the pain hit then went to sleep.

I’ve been in a funk. I never made coffee today. I tried eating but with my bowels being backed up, it feels like it just sits in my stomach and I feel uncomfortable. I went early this morning after MiraLAX but didn’t go a lot. I still feel uncomfortable. It is hot in the house despite it being cool outside. I’ve been running the AC on energy saver so it shuts off every now and then. It is keeping the room cool.

I updated my apps, one of which was WordPress. They did a few changes. Notifications are now on the bottom rather than the top. And they have a new thing called activity. Not sure what the purpose of that is. Seems dumb. My stats are still all over the place. I am happy to get at least 22 or more a day. The other day I got more than 70 so I was happy. Some days are like that. You never know which blog is going to be read the most of if someone is just going to go through your blogs, stacking up the views for the day. It is fun to watch but can get addictive.

My mother washed the bathroom mat and it fell apart in the washer. It was a mess to clean up. I hope it didn’t wreck the filter or water hose with the debris. She had to use the vacuum to get the stuff out. I told her she should run a clean cycle but she didn’t listen to me. She never does.

I was going to cancel my psych’s appt but then I realized I need a refill on my mood stabilizer and it will be a bitch to get it if I cancel. UGH. I am just mad at her because I keep emailing her and she isn’t responding to anything I send her. Just tired of wasting my time. I don’t know why I bother to let her know what is going on if she can’t have the courtesy to respond even one word back, just to let me know a) she got my message and b) she cares. For all I know, it got sent to cyberspace and is still floating around there.

Sox are playing tonight. They won last night. They creamed KC. It was 8-0 by the 2nd inning. Everyone had a hit last night or two. Hope they can do the same tonight. Over Price is pitching tonight so who knows how the game is going to go. I can’t stand the guy. Wish he never came to Boston.

My mood has been all over the place. I was in pain with my ankle and head most of the day. I have no breakthrough meds anymore. I just been trying to sleep. I hope to get the meds sorted out on Monday. I just want to give up. I don’t know why I just don’t go through with it already. I could do it this week, if I wanted to. One of my “friends” on Twitter was saying that I don’t want to do it. Fuck you. That is like telling an alcoholic that is recovering who wants a drink that they shouldn’t even though they feel like they need one. People just don’t get suicidality at all, even if they are attempt survivors. Makes me kind of mad because where is the compassion?

I don’t want to talk about this right now but there will be a few explorations this week. I am not sure yet if this is the week or not. Guess we’ll just have to take it day by day and see how it goes.

Friday Mayhem

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday mayhem

I went to sleep early but that didn’t help keep me asleep all night. I woke up several times. Then my med alarm went off. I took my meds. Then slept on and off the next couple of hours. I needed to shave and shower. I wanted to be up around 11 so I could possibly have breakfast. It was pouring outside and my mother had all the windows and doors closed so it was a sauna in the house. I went downstairs with a change of clothes which was dumb as it was way too hot to change. I was sweating after my shower, even after drying off. I grabbed my clothes and cooled off in my room. Then went downstairs to eat something. I decided to have cereal. I put too much and it was making me feel sick. I went back to my room.

I wanted to leave around 1430 but I couldn’t wait that long. I left at 1330. I checked on my niece to see if she ate. She did. I then packed by bag with just what I needed and then left. Rain had stopped. I was waiting at the bus stop when my cousin came. He drove me to Starbucks. I was grateful. I don’t think I could stand another 10 minutes waiting for the bus as the bench was wet. My ankle was already starting to act up. I got my espresso and was just in a pissy mood. I thought about getting something to eat but I really wasn’t hungry. I was still full from the cereal.

Around 1500, I left for the train. Someone had fricken urinated in the elevator. I reported it after my stomach wasn’t going to empty. The smell was awful, especially in the heat. It was cool on the train. The sun had come out but I didn’t bring my sunglasses. Oh well. I was early for my appt. I watched the Brazil/Belgium game. Belgium looked like it was going to win. They called me in the last two minutes of the game so I don’t know for certain. I had a new fellow who was a complete moron. I told him I wanted to increase my pain med dosage because the flares were awful. He said we can’t just do that. Instead they are going to increase my breakthrough meds. They didn’t give me 60 count, just 45 but the dumbass didn’t change the order so the pharmacy wouldn’t fill it for 45, just 30. I was so fucking heated. Again I wasn’t fucking heard. Now I got to call Monday and the order changed. The fellow also pushed PT, like it was a cure or something. I told him to write the order and I will go but if I am in pain, I won’t go. He didn’t know how to order it because he was knew to the system. He came back with the scripts and the PT order. I left but I couldn’t make an appt as there was no one there to do it. The office staff had left for the day. They will call me on Monday. Not if I call first.

It was hell trying to get home. There was some kind of problem at Harvard. I waited for three trains because they were full. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand the whole way. Every stop we had to wait 5-10 minutes. A lady left and I took her seat. Then a guy with a shirt too small and his belly sticking out kept kicking my bad foot. He was doing all kind of weird moves while looking on his phone. No idea if he was playing a game or what. I had to tuck my foot in so he wouldn’t kick it, which caused my calf to cramp. Asshole. He got off before my stop. I missed the bus so had to wait another 20 minutes or so. I had decided to order Mexican food. I was so done with today. It took me almost and hour and a half to get home. Ridiculous. Then my meds were too soon to fill. And the other one was fucked up so they couldn’t fill it anyways. UGH!!! Just made my fucking day.

I wrote to my psychiatrist about the idiot clinic. I don’t care anymore. I know she can’t do anything but at least she knows what is going on. I am tempted to cancel my appt with her in a couple of weeks. I really don’t feel like seeing her. If she responds to the email I sent her, I will see her. If she doesn’t respond, I won’t be seeing her. That will be the deciding factor.