Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

five weeks post op and in bad mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Five weeks post op and in bad mood

Last night my foot/ankle started hurting with stabbing pains. It continues into today. I am in a rotten mood. I read a chapter and a half of Enemy of the People. It is helping to distract me in a weird way. I don’t feel like coloring yet but it is on my agenda. I just feel so poorly. I emptied my bladder and now I have abdominal pain and I just can’t cope. So I decided to write.

I sent my therapist a message. I asked her if I could show up without being productive. Not sure how she will respond to the question. I really don’t feel like going to therapy. I know I should because I am very depressed but I just don’t feel like talking if there has to be an agenda in session. I am not motivated to be productive right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I think that is the fucking job of a therapist to do, not create a plan for session.

I am full of melancholy. My thoughts are dark again. The CRPS pain isn’t helping my mood. I keep thinking I will be better off dead. My appetite has been poor. I managed to heat up some quiche for lunch. I had it with coffee that I didn’t even finish. Yesterday all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure. I just haven’t been hungry. I was thinking of ordering roast beef today but not sure I will. Maybe for dinner.

I still have some crap on my pad. I don’t see the doc until Friday morning. I set two alarms so I get up. Waking up in the morning has been extremely hard the past few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning and have a cup of coffee while my sister was here. She just came back from her trip to Europe. She gave me some funny socks. While I was cooking the quiche, I shaved my head. I might shower today. Sometimes that helps to make my mood better.

My pain just jumped. I just took some more pain meds with an Ativan as I am wicked anxious and overwhelmed. I guess I am not showering as that would take too much energy and might cause more pain. My pain doc would not like that I am taking Ativan with my pain meds but I don’t give a fucking shit what she thinks. I have been taking them both for years and I am still here so there.

I wish I was seeing the surgeon tomorrow rather than Friday. I hate wearing underwear and a pad. I want to wear my boxers again. They are more comfortable. Every day there is discharge and I can’t stand it. That along with the stupid abdominal pain from my bladder is just driving me nuts. I have no one to talk to about it. I just feel so alone right now. Least my incision has healed up and isn’t open anymore. I was worried I was going to get an infection there. It will hurt if I press on it though so I don’t do that.

why does therapy have to be so hard

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Why does therapy have to be so hard?

why does therapy have to be so hard? I have a good therapist but just feel a disconnect with her and it makes it so damn hard to go to therapy because of it. also she wants sessions to be productive and i am just not motivated. with her for 2 yrs now. just don’t see the point. Yesterday I left after fifteen minutes. She said she couldn’t hold me here so I said let’s schedule for next week and she did. I said bye. This is the first time a therapist let me leave the session early. She texted me later on that afternoon as she had a conflict with the time she gave me, she had to change it. So I said ok it is fine and hope to see you. She asked why hope? I frankly said I don’t care for therapy anymore and want to quit. I am not suicidal just very depressed. If she wants me to have productive sessions that is just burdening me because I am not motivated to be productive all the time. I know I have issues but it takes a lot for me to deal with them. This therapist isn’t the inviting type so I am put off by her stance of sure just leave if you don’t want to be here. I just feel like she doesn’t care if I am there or not. I am struggling to be present in therapy and this is just making it harder to go.

I had my appointment with my pcp today. It went ok. He wants to see me in three months unless something comes up and I need to see him sooner. I woke up late so didn’t have my coffee so after the appointment I did. I had two cups and wanted to sleep but my B&B went out of whack and I kept going to the bathroom.

I just had a lovely webinar with Dr. Suzanne Koven about writing. It was wonderful. Just writing twenty minutes a day has been shown to help ease anxiety and stress. I am glad I do this blogging every day as it does help me. Dr. Koven is a brilliant writer. I enjoyed listening to her tonight.

writing on a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing on a Monday

I’ve had two cups of coffee to ward off tiredness and the second cup has finally fueled my fire! Tomorrow evening I will be going to a webinar about writing as a caretaker. I hope this helps with some of the frustration I get with my mother and her chronic health issues, particularly her diabetes and chronic pain. The person leading the webinar is a renowned writer at the Massachusetts General Hosp. I have known her for years, by name only so this will be a treat to finally meet her. I took out my portfolio and was glad to find that one of my favorite pens was inside. That will be excellent writing material.

My appointment with my therapist is less than 3 hours from now. I am kind of nervous about going as I am in a bitchy mood. I want to text my therapist to tell her this but last time it didn’t go well and I got more angry and annoyed. It has only been a week since I last saw her but it feels like ages.

I just emptied my bladder and I am having pain. I don’t understand why. I wasn’t that full. I was just emptying my first cup of coffee. I will be emptying my second in a couple hours. I also need to brush my teeth. I bought Listerine so I can try and get rid of this canker in the back of my mouth. I know salt and water would probably work but it makes me gag so I rather use mouthwash.

I am finally out of the haze the flu shot put me under. Past few days have been rough with me sleeping all day. Today I am feeling a little more alert. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 6 and gave up as I was just resting my eyes and not really snoozing or sleeping. I had woke up to pee around 4 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I probably will take a nap after therapy. I usually do.

I wore underwear and a pad last night. So far, pad is clean. No discharge, which is awesome. I am waiting for the nurse to call as she said she would check in with me. I hope it is before my appointment with my therapist. She also wants to call to see how my wound is. I think it is better as it has closed up. I have a band aid on it right now to keep it clean.

I am going to try and keep myself hydrated today. I have been really bad about that the past few days because I was sleeping on most of the day. I have to clear the recycles that have been accumulating on my bed and empty my bedside trash. Sox are off tonight. They have eleven games left in the season. They have a chance of playing in the wild card if they continue to win games. I already am feeling nervous about these final games. Going to need Ativan for listening to them.

legs don’t want to work

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Legs don’t want to work

My legs hurt today for some reason. I wish I could say that it is because I walked too much or something but I haven’t done anything the past few days. Other than leaving the house Monday for my MRI, I haven’t left the house. I just showered and I feel a little bit better. My groceries will be arriving soon. Just hope I can go up and down stairs.

My surgeon got back to me. I will see her next week for the discharge that I have. Sucks that I have to go through this another week. I was hoping that it was done but when I looked at the pad before taking it off for my shower there was some yellow stuff on it. I don’t care I am wearing boxers today. I will change into underwear before bed. I was getting chafed by the underwear elastic because I got a size too small. I need a break. I still have a stitch on my belly. I don’t know why it is still hanging on me. I tried to gently remove it but it is stuck on me pretty good. I will have the surgeon look at it if it is still there next week.

I don’t know what to do today. It is cloudy and muggy. I might go to the square this afternoon to mail my letter and get some cheese. I want to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I am really craving a bowl of Chex cereal. My groceries came and I don’t feel like doing anything now. I am so damn tired. I made quiche for lunch and am pretty full. I also had my second cup of coffee. I have been having at least two to three cups a day and I am still tired. It was muggy in the kitchen so I opened the door. It is cooler outside than it is in the house. I am sweating though. My mother called me to tell me to pick up the milk from my cousin. Going up and down stairs really exhausted me.

I am glad I checked when I am seeing my uro NP tomorrow. I thought it was at 2 and it is at 1. We have a lot to discuss. Since stopping the Flomax I am finding it easier to cath. I don’t get the urge as much but I keep track of the hours in between caths. It still hurts when I void so I cath when I can. I also increased the tolterodine and that has helped a lot. I don’t know what the NP will say to this but we will see. I think she will be ok with it.