Tag: depression

no game tonight so I can sleep early

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

No game tonight so I can sleep early

Last night I was so dead, I think I saw the Dodgers take a 2-1 lead and then I passed out. Until 2 am. I had to pee. I did and then I couldn’t go back to sleep so I checked the score. We won 4-2. Price I am not sure got the win or not. I wasn’t really reading tweets but he pitched good. And then the bullpen was outstanding. I love Joe Kelly. I am going to shower either tonight or tomorrow and I am going to wear his fight club tee. I know I probably shouldn’t but I stink so I am not going to stay in the clothes I am in. I stayed in last series not showering for a week. I am not going to do the same this series.

My groceries were supposed to come early. The driver got stuck in traffic so they were delivered an hour after they were supposed to. I put everything away but I didn’t put the Powerade bottles in reusable bags like I usually do. I wanted a nap. I figured sleeping to 1315 was enough time to shower. I fell asleep and I didn’t want to get up. I shut off the alarm and got up 45 minutes later. The bus would be coming soon, so I thought. The bus was twenty minutes late, which meant I was late for my appointment. I told the PT about the NP. She was taking it in stride until I told her she wasn’t an MD but a NP. Then she said Oh and shook her head. She said I might have plantar fasciitis now as my whole damn foot is swollen up. Great. But using heat last night caused some release and this morning for the first time in three weeks didn’t hurt when I stood up. I thought it was a good sign until I started getting dressed and stuff. By the time I got to the bus stop, I was hurting. UGH so much for progress. It was our last meeting with her. I didn’t want to end with her but she had to discharge me so I could start the pain program next week. I am weary about starting it. The OT I am okay with, but the PT part of it, not so much. I just am afraid because I don’t want my life to become hell with flares every night that brings me to suicidal states. I didn’t tell her this. I have no idea why I kept my suicidal self quiet with her as I’ve really gotten close to her with my mental illness and stuff. I just felt like it was on the know basis and she didn’t really need to know about it. I also am not sure how healthcare professionals that aren’t doctors or nurses deal with suicide so I didn’t want to find out. If I have to disclose it to the new PT I see next week, then I will because I really don’t want to go back to my weekly suicidal planning sessions because of pain. Fuck I was supposed to kill myself the end of July and I am still here. I don’t want to be but I am kind of stuck with it because I don’t have another plan to go to. I know there are always pills but pills don’t always work. If they did, I wouldn’t be here at all.

I bought ingredients for at least 3 recipes. I am going to pace myself as each recipe takes a while and nearly does me in. I am going to do my wings tomorrow, if I am up before 1300 as these babies take 3 hours to make, 4 if I push it. But they are so worth it. I just need a dump bucket as I forgot to buy one when I was at the grocery store yesterday. I really just wanted to get something to eat, some wings and go the fuck home. Both feet were killing me, making walking so damn difficult. I have no clue how I walked from my therapist’s office to the station I was hurting so bad. I felt better after therapy. He is not going to be in next Wed. Then I want to make these Dark chocolate beet brownies. My friend made them and she said they came out good so we’ll see. I will be using canned beets as I have no idea how to make beets any other way. Then it will be some kind of pumpkin cheese cake thing. I have to print out both recipes. I am halving the pumpkin recipe as it called for 4 blocks of cream cheese. That seemed like an awful lot and I know no one but me and my barbers are going to be eating these. No one else in my family likes pumpkin, which is a shame.

When I got home, the dreaded benefits package from my former employer was in the mailbox. They will be having a totally new but “same” medical insurance plan. They did not give the cost of this plan with the material they sent. I have no idea if my therapist takes it. If I just have Medicare, I will be responsible for 20% of the bill. That is going to add up after a while. If I did my calculations right, it will be $38 per session, if he doesn’t take my medical insurance to cover. I won’t be able to see him weekly much less twice a week. There is no way I can afford it. I will have to see what he says. My docs at the conglomerate Partners will be okay. Some visits will only be $10 and specialists will be $15. Everything else is covered in full if they are in network. Out of network and it is like 70% covered with a high deductible. I have no idea what is out of network. I think my therapist would be out of network as he is not a Partners provider. Guess the trouble of using just one insurance just got easier, I think. I am still on the fence of whether or not what insurance to use for what provider. For my Partners one, I will use their plan and therapist, the Medicare. It will be cheaper in the end though I won’t be able to have as many visits as I would like a month. I might be able to afford two a month. Guess that is better than nothing. I don’t have to worry about my psychiatrist as she is Partners. I am so glad the repro endo doc I am seeing took on the transition piece of things. Now everyone is under the same umbrella so to speak and I don’t have to pay so much in copays. I just got to figure out if I continue with Medicare or not through Partners. I get Medicare through SSD and is taken out of out my check. I just hope this isn’t going to be a jump through hoops thing. Way it is now is things go through Medicare and the rest my insurance picks up. If my therapist doesn’t take the insurance and the copay is going to be more than the 20% of Medicare, I will just have him bill Medicare and pay the 20% and then tell Partners that the new insurance is my sole insurance, not to bill Medicare anymore. This will be in January so I have some time. I just want to know how much this is going to cost me monthly. Right now I pay $198/month for BCBS and dental/vision. I just hope it isn’t more than what I am paying now. All these expenses have me worried.

I am going to bed hopefully before midnight tonight. Game is not on as it is a day off. They are in California right now for the next three games, which start tomorrow night. I can finally have a night to relax a bit before bed. These games have just been setting me on edge.

NP idiot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had an appt with a nurse practitioner that apparently got her license from a cracker jack box or maybe the Boston Globe. She was insistent on me having plantar fasciitis even though my PT ruled it out but didn’t I read the newspaper, not a medical journal, saying that plantar fasciitis is the new back pain?? Are you fricken serious? I didn’t know reporters had their medical degree. Also pissed me off that she thought unilaterally and bilaterally were the same. Ugh!!!!! I had to literally fight for an MRI. She wanted an xray and didn’t even ordered that right as they xrays the outer part of my ankle not the inner where the damn lump is!!! I am so frustrated. I got to call radiology to see if I can have the MRI sooner than next week and during daylight hours. I might go to a different site. Ugh!! Oh and she was telling me the same damn things to do my PT has been telling me. Guess she was deaf on that part.

Oh and the kicker was that she walked in asking if I was having surgery. When I said no, she said you aren’t having gender reassignment surgery? And then she got all concerned and crap like she never had a transgender patient before. Omg I am not a specimen for your study!!! I got very upset by this behavior. I mean, shit. Seriously? I emailed my psychiatrist to ask her what to do. I want to file a report on her as I think what she did was inappropriate. I mean, hell, I was seeing her for foot pain, not a transgender issue! I am so pissed. I hate that she was so dismissive about what I was telling her about being in physical therapy and then dismissing what my PT said about me not having plantar fasciitis. She just wasn’t hearing me and I am glad she ordered the MRI. I already got a report on the X-Ray and surprise, nothing was revealed except for some spurs that have been there for a while.

I had a webinar when I came home on CAMS, the Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality. OMG It was like having Dr. David Jobes in my room! It was awesome. I love him so much and have so much respect for him. He basically covered all that I know about CAMS. I love the new research he is doing. Sadly, one of the trials had two suicides. It is a risk but sadly not something you want to see. I wish I could share this with my current therapist but he is so anti-CAMS it isn’t funny. He just thinks talking about things is the answer. I know it is my fault in keeping him but fuck, there aren’t a lot of therapists taking new clients AND wanting to deal with chronic suicidality! I had one therapist not call me back in the Harvard area. I tried out of my comfort zone and that hit me in the ass with a don’t come back. I wish someone was dealing with suicidality in clients rather than just passing them off. If I could sprinkle some of Jobes’s kindness and humanity I would. It isn’t something I take lightly. I have been in the model of what he teaches and want to spread it around but hell, some therapists like the one I was seeing before my current one, was adamant about learning something new. In her words, she wasn’t a suicidologist so she didn’t have to learn it so what that said to me was if she had another client that was suicidal, she was NOT using CAMS/SSF with them. It makes me sad that there is this level of what you think a therapist should be and the reality is they just don’t exist. I don’t know why people become therapists if they aren’t willing to deal with the hard issue of suicide. I don’t know, maybe I have it backwards.

I saw a sign at my PCP’s office that they are moving location, and it is not even within their building. It is a building like 4 blocks over from the train station. I can’t walk there. Maybe on a good day, but those days have been so rare lately that I seriously doubt if I am sick, I will be able to make it. I think there is another way of going there. I just have to find out if the shuttle from another train station still goes by there, and where that stop is as the last time I was in that area, there was construction which had the sidewalk blocked off. This sucks because it adds to my commute and worse, no Starbucks, LOL

I just wrote a thread on Twitter and I am going to paste it here. I think it is important:

“I’ve been thinking about the @UniteSurvivors webinar with @lab_jobes and what he was saying about drivers (what drives ppl to suicide) and how those with lived experience can help. It took me to all the times the past 2 years I’ve been in horrible suicidal depressions/states, mostly due to my chronic pain. Dr. Jobes talked about a “life worth living”. Frankly I don’t even have a day worth living but somehow I am still here. I don’t want to be. I am in a chronic pain flare right now. My thoughts instantly go to suicide because it feels like my bones are being crushed and I am being stabbed in my ankle. How do you survive this while being suicidal? Frankly I don’t have a clue. It is probably because I don’t have lethal means near me when I flare (whether consciously or subconsciously I am not sure). I don’t have a large dose of meds by my bedside or knives. I don’t own a gun, though I sometimes wish I did. Guess these small measures have kept me here. My blog where I can write to Express myself. Have online connections to my support group which is invaluable. Different time zones are a life saver. B/c when it is 3 am, no one is up Boston time. I’ve learned to do this not through a therapist or hospitalization but mostly on my own. And having my psychiatrist email at 2 am is handy. Thank you Dr. Dave for CAMS and the SSF. It combines my thoughts of suicides to practical practice. I know I wouldn’t be here without it. I should add I am an autodidact suicidologist.”

I just read what I wrote and though some of it doesn’t make sense, I didn’t want to fix it because the essence of what I am saying is there. Anyways, that is all I have for today. There is a huge thunderstorm happening right now and I want to publish this before I lose power, if that should happen. Go SOX!!!!!

Long day with no nap

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day with no nap

I didn’t sleep well. The gastritis continued most of the day until I moved my bowels and then I felt better. I think I was so backed up, stuff wasn’t moving until the other end did. I am feeling better now but I got the sharts and just had a false alarm so decided to take a shower anyway as I needed to. I meant to take one this morning but didn’t wake up early enough. I thought I would be able to see my doc today but there were no openings. I had gone to Starbucks and had something light for breakfast. I didn’t have my espresso as I knew that wouldn’t help my stomach. I had a caramel macchiato and I think the milk is what is making me feel all lousy in my bowels. I usually have soy and Starbucks milk just doesn’t agree with my bowels. I am fine with whole milk but not the 2% shit.

I wrote in my journal until it was time for the bus. I came home wanting to nap but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t hurting too much except for my right foot. The golf ball came back and every step hurts. I wish I was seeing a doctor tomorrow but I am seeing a nurse practitioner. I will be demanding an MRI as this has been going on too long. Three weeks is an awful long time, especially with PT and stuff.

I made the burgers I bought. I made all four of them as they were starting to go bad. I had one as they were 1/3 lb. The buns I bought were smaller than the burger! That kind of sucked. I just put mustard on. If I thought about it, I would have put pickles.

So the Dotard in Chief and his minions are trying to erase trangenders. Like seriously?? We are back to this bullshit?? It’s basically erasing everything President Obama decently did while he was in office and burns this administration so damn bad. I am so fucking sad and angry and I don’t know what. I don’t even know what to say. I knew it was a possibility and a lot of LGBTQ’s ended up killing themselves the day after the dotard was elected. That was almost two years ago. Tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary of changing my name and having my sex changed on my license. I have no idea if that will still be the case with the “real ID”. I’ll find out in four years. I need to get my passport renewed and that I am not sure if I will get hassled.

Crap. I just farted again and it was a guess fart. I am ready to put on a damn diaper so if I do shit, at least I won’t be changing my underwear after every fart! I am so tired of nerve damage messing up my fucking life, or what is left of it. I will be damned if I am going to be called a her or miss. I will just slice my throat or something. Fuck. These elected idiots have say over whether I am a guy or not? Fuck you. It is bullshit. Plain and simple. I am so done with it. And they don’t care about anything but themselves. I am sure they are leaking shit to the press to stir shit. Hope Mueller is closer to doing something because I swear this can’t be going on for much longer. The lies, the bullshit. We are the laughing stock of the crowd. And the asshole thinks the world is laughing with him? Yea, keep dreaming dotard, keep dreaming.

it’s Midnight and I woke up with heartburn

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s midnight and I woke up with heartburn

I don’t know why they call it heartburn when it really is your esophagus burning. Anyway, I woke up with it and I had it most of the day, severe gastritis that at one point had me sitting down from the pain. It was awful and I have no idea why. I just had two eggs and toast, something I have had many times. I think I put too much pepper on it. Then I had orange juice and I think that did me in. I have been taking Mylanta most of the day. I had to take Miralax to shit. I can’t remember the last time I went. I know I didn’t go Friday or Saturday so I had to go today. My mother’s stomach was bothering her too. I think it was because she was constipated as well. I told her she could take some Miralax but she said she didn’t want the shits. Fine, be constipated then.

I have been in a mood most of the day. I Saturday I made Keto pizza. It was alright. I don’t think I will make it again. My mother didn’t like it, at all. I still haven’t made the burgers I bought. I made chili cornbread casserole today but because my stomach was a mess, I didn’t eat it. I didn’t think spicy would be good. I am upset over this because I really fricken wanted it! That was the whole purpose of me making it! I am going to give it to my barbers.

I got to go to the doctors tomorrow. I have a lump on my foot. It is a lump my PT has been trying to get down but icing it and exercises haven’t been helping it. Yesterday, I could hardly walk. The lump is down now. I have been taking pictures of it. There still is a little lump and it hurts to walk. I have no idea what the fuck I did. I hope I get an early morning appointment because I don’t want to wait around all day. I might have to forgo my espresso if I still have stomach problems later today. I hope my meds aren’t causing it. I don’t think the Prevacid is working anymore. I really don’t want to see a gastroenterologist. All they want to do is put things down your throat. No thanks. I’ve never been scoped and I like to keep it that way. I know they knock you out good but I am just scared I will wake up in the middle of the procedure and freak out. I hope this doesn’t mean no more coffee. I will be so sad!!

I’m going to try and go back to bed now. I hope I can sleep. I haven’t had much to eat because my stomach is a wreck. Wish I had come rice. Looks like I might be on a bland diet for a few days until my stomach calms down.