My Thoughts on Zero Suicide as a Person with Lived Experience

My thoughts about Zero Suicide as a person with Lived Experience

There has been a lot of talk on Twitter about Zero Suicide and it’s mission to reduce the suicide rate to zero, because 1 is just too many. At first, I was appalled that clinicians think that is possible. I for one think that it is outrageous because there is always going to be someone who dies by suicide. Maybe not in their organization but outside their organization. But then I learned that it’s not an individual’s practice but an organization or health system that strives to achieve this goal. They have trainings and meeting with those in the suicidology world.

Something kept bugging me about this. I kept quiet because I didn’t want to anger those that are for it, though I think there are a few blogs that I wrote about it before I understood the mission. While talking to a friend that is a suicide loss survivor, the bells went off. She said that it goes against Shneidman’s questions, where do you hurt and how can I help?

I am a big supporter of Dr. David Jobes work with his framework called CAMS (Collaborating, Assessment, and Management of Suicidality). I don’t know if Dr. Jobes trains these Zero Suicide clinicians. And even if they are trained, I am not sure it will be used. Most clinicians have the attitude that their skills on suicide risk are good enough when it could be faulty. Worse, they go through the training yet don’t use what they are taught. That drives me up the wall. Why bother going to a training (unless it’s a mandatory thing) if you aren’t going to take away from it?

I really think CAMS is a tried and true framework to prevent suicide based on my experience of using it in my former therapy. I also used the Suicide Status Form. Unfortunately, my therapist did not want training in CAMS and we drifted apart, thus ending our relationship. We did, while we worked together, use the initial and tracking forms but unfortunately, we never got to the outcome form. She wasn’t committed enough to see it through and that kind of pissed me off. Every time I had a suicidal episode, she just wanted to know one question on the form, The one thing that would help me no longer feel suicidal. It is an open ended statement where the client fills in their thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately, I could never come up with a satisfactory answer as I really didn’t know the reason for my suicidality. I just wanted to die and that was that. I wrote a blog about CAMS if you would like more information about how it is formed and the use of the Suicide Status Form.

I went on the website for Zero Suicide but could not seem to find the specific training that they went through. From what I gathered on Twitter from their live tweets, some of it is CAMS and some of it is using risk factors for suicide. Unfortunately, risk factors alone are not predictive of a suicide attempt. CBT has been useful in reducing suicide attempts but not all clinicians are trained in this modality. The book by Craig Bryan on CBT for preventing suicide attempts is a good book to learn more about it. I also wrote a review on the book that you can see here.
The other thing that gets me is that no where among Zero Suicide is there talk of a person’s psychological pain. There are measures, if you look for it. Dr. Holden at Queen University in Canada has created a scale to measure what Dr. Shneidman calls psychache. See my review on the research article for more information. I think it is a good psychometric to gauge a person’s level of suicidality and pain, which ultimately leads to thoughts of suicide. This must be included in any talk of preventing or intervention of suicide and also postvention, should a suicide attempt occur.

My final thoughts of Zero Suicide is that it is a novel idea but as Dr. Shneidman says, “How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention.” I share his sentiments. I do not like the talk of “suicide is not an option”. To me, that is hindering free will. I do hope the rate of suicides goes down, but the way that health care and mental health are going, I think there will be more before it lowers, especially among the chronic pain patient population.

going fucking nuts in my own house

Going fucking nuts in my own house

Since last night, I have been keeping an ear open for my mother should she need me. I was up half the night in pain so that kind of made it easier. I knew I would be as even though I wasn’t on my feet a lot, I wasn’t elevated my leg like I normally would be on a Sunday. I finally got to sleep between 0230 and 0300. I woke up around 0700. I checked on my mother and she was still sleeping. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just paid some bills as my check came in and ordered groceries.

I tried to go back to sleep after that but no go. I then got hungry so I went downstairs. My mother had already got up and made herself breakfast. I was waiting for my aunt to come over the house to let her in. I made my breakfast and was finishing up when she called me. It’s been a nuthouse since. My aunt likes to “yell” talk but she does it in an excited way that makes you think she is yelling at you. This is how she talks to my mother and when my mother argues with her, which has been happening all day, she yells louder.

I ordered a steak tip dinner for lunch and she gave me a look like it was the rottenest thing in the world that I did. Then my cousin, who sees me come up the stairs and in the kitchen says “oh I thought you weren’t getting around too good”. It was the first time in more than a week I’ve been out of my bed. I’m in pain and the shower I took hurt my back terribly. He doesn’t care though, only when he needs me to bring up my mother’s shopping. As I was having lunch, my mother and aunt were watching some program, together, and she is saying look at that, look at that in her loud voice. WTF are you kidding me? My mother isn’t more than 2 feet away from you and is watching the same damn show on the same television so of course she is seeing what you are you idiot!! I wish I didn’t change my therapy appt for this afternoon. I would have left the house to this nut.

I got to find the envelope that holds my insurance payment from my benefits office. I need to call them to see if they are still going to carry Caremark for their prescription service as it now affects me. Open benefits will be happening soon so they may change. If they are keeping it, I need to call my insurance and see if their new policy of opioids is going to give me a headache in the new year. It’s really stressing me out because if I can’t get my pain meds, I am screwed. And when the new year starts, I will have to pay for my meds. I don’t want to pay double for my pain meds because it started a new policy that is completely bullshit.

Crap. The PT place just called me back after playing phone tag. The good news is I have an appt tomorrow. Bad news is that it is now in an area where my father was living in so it’s bringing up all sorts of memories. I’m not sure what they are going to do to help me or if therapy can help me, if going to that area is right for me. It is a ways from the station. I’ll have to get off at the Stop and Shop stop and then walk from there as I’m not sure there is a bus that goes by there. When I left my father’s apartment for the last time, I never thought I would go near that area or train station or have to take that bus ever again. Hope I’m not triggered too badly tomorrow.

Sunday Funday

Sunday Funday

I woke up in the afternoon after being up half the night due to pain. I had received a call from Walgreens about a prescription I refilled last week but didn’t pickup. I had to pick it up today. My mother called me because she was in pain and needed her walker. I got her that and then left for the store. After I was rung up, I talked to the pharmacist about CVS’s new opioid policy as I might be affected. He said that because I am long term, it shouldn’t affect me. I felt better about that and headed home.

I got home and the front door was open. I could have swore I closed it when I left the house. I climbed the stairs and there was commotion going on upstairs as my door was also open. I took off my brace and went up. Everyone was surrounding my mother and I was like what the fuck is going on. Apparently, after I left, my mother got cramps in her leg so bad that she couldn’t move. She was in agony. She had called my sister for help and she was still in a lot of pain even though the cramps had subsided.

Because the pain was in the back of her knee, I was worried about a blood clot or something so we finally convinced her to go to the hospital. We called an ambulance and took her. We spent four hours there. Thankfully there was no clot and the doc just thought it was inflammation. They gave her some pain medication and sent her home via ambulance as he didn’t want her going up the stairs. I rode in the ambulance home so the driver would know exactly what streets to go down. My sisters were waiting out front. I went to grab some food from next door as they were having a Patriots party. Everyone there was lit, including my neighbor. By the time I was done with my food and listening to the various conversations, my ankle was acting up. I told everyone I was going home and said my goodbyes.

I checked on my mother when I got home. My sister was still with her. She was still in pain but not as much. She has to sleep downstairs tonight. My sister made up the couch for her. I am not sure how much sleep she will have. I went up to my room to take my meds and cool off my room. It was stuffy as I had shut the door to keep the cool air in. It’s still hot but is cooling off slowly. My ankle is now hurting and I don’t remember or recorded the time I took my pain meds before heading to the hospital. Probably going to hurt all night because I had my leg in a sitting down or standing the whole time I was at the hospital with my mom. Fuck.

A frustrating day of pain

A frustrating day of pain

I woke up around 9. I decided to write the blog about zero suicide that I have been procrastinating/in too much pain to write. I got half way through it when hunger came over me, so I decided to make breakfast and coffee. I should have finished the blog before eating because I was ready to go back to sleep. I forced myself to drink more coffee and try to focus on what I was writing. My ankle pain was down so I wanted to take advantage of it. A friend wanted me to send it to him before I published it. I think I wrote about 800-900 words. I sent it off to him but haven’t heard back.

As I was so sleepy, I decided to take a shower. Worst decision of the day! Not even two minutes under the water, my back seized up and made it hard to wash up. I had to sit down so I shoved the things on the seat over so I could. I waited for the spasms to pass before I got up again. It didn’t matter as within seconds the spasms returned. I quickly dried off and went up to my room. I had wanted to vacuum my rug but that wasn’t happening. I also wanted to make cookies. Not happening either. The shower took so much out of me. I had to rest for most of the day.

I asked my mother what she wanted for supper. I suggested soup and she suggested I make it. Great. The ballgame was on at 4 so I made some pasta and heated up some soup. By that time, my ankle decided it wanted to hurt and my back was out of sorts again. I need to lie down as sitting is hurting me. Damn temp went up 20 degrees so my back can’t adjust that quickly. Heard it’s going to be nice the rest of the weekend so the temps should be stable, give or take 5 degrees. Least I hope so.