Tag: hopelessness

Throb Throb Throb goes my ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Throb throb throb goes my ankle

My night would not be complete unless my ankle and foot are throbbing like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow. And right on cue, I can not sleep because of the throbbing. My day was going just fine. I was settling into my bed. Closed the light. Was nice and comfy when the throbbing came out of no where and boom my foot explodes in pain. I go through this rigmarole every goddamned night.

Tonight I got really angry, like punch a wall angry. I didn’t have a pleasant evening. A friend came over my house to watch the game. Least that is what I was intending to do. He didn’t shut up the entire 8 innings he watched. And he wasn’t talking about the game. He kept on saying shit pickle, in a joking voice because the announcer was saying something about being in a pickle. It was hard trying to pay attention to the game and listen to my friend ramble on and on. It didn’t help that my team was losing, came ahead, lost the lead and then finally gave up. I really couldn’t wait for the game to end because I wanted to shower really bad. I was sweating up a storm as the house was so hot.

Now I am freezing my assets off and loving it. My stomach didn’t like the food I was eating but then it didn’t really start bothering me until after I took my night meds, which is like eating a meal in and of itself. I feel so bloated, which also isn’t helping me go to sleep along with the throbbing of my ankle and foot. I wasn’t angry that my friend talked a lot during the game. I am angry because I am in fucking pain, yet again, for the umpteenth night in a row. I can’t take it anymore.

I seriously want to end my life. And if I had a car, I would do it, right now. I would drive to where I want to end it. Take the pills and hope it’s enough to kill me. Is it bad that I dream of that day when I do do this? Even if I don’t have a car, I can walk to my destination. I don’t know if it will kill me but then once I get there, I will be dead. There won’t be any going back. And the throb throb throb of my ankle will be but a memory.

I know there will be people that will miss me and I am sorry to hurt you all but I can’t live like this anymore. My life is nothing but pain and anguish and tonight it’s killing me to breathe. I have a weight on my chest that no one can see or feel or touch. It’s called psychache and it hurts really bad, more than the throbbing in my ankle sometimes.

I got so angry tonight that I wanted to cry. I don’t think I have ever felt so bullshit angry before because I am in pain. I have taken my pills. I honestly couldn’t remember if I took them or not. Then I remembered that it was hours ago that I took them, which is why I am in pain now. I hate when I don’t get ahead of the pain. I think that I can last a few hours without taking a pill. Sometimes, I really think I can just stand the pain. Not tonight though. Tonight it’s just awful like it’s every night at this time. Just before bed it’s just at it’s worse and no one can tell me why that is. It doesn’t bother me during the day. Only before bed, right when I want to sleep the devil comes out and my ankle and foot explodes in agony. This is why I have every right to die. Doesn’t matter that I have pills to take the pain away. That isn’t the point. The point is that I shouldn’t be in pain, period. But I am. And I just can’t accept that is the way my life is anymore. It’s too great a burden to bear.

Psychosis That Lingers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychosis that lingers

I was reading some of my blogs from earlier this year. I do this on occasion to see what I wrote as I usually forget what I have written the majority of the time. Apparently sometime in January, I was having a psychotic break, even though I was taking the abilify. In my blogs, my therapist wanted me to take my PRNs, which I can only assume was trilafon to help quiet things down. I had refused. Now that things have escalated to the point where they are now, It’s no wonder I can’t get a hold of things.

I am glad the trilafon is working as well as it can be. I have been taking at least 4 mg faithfully the last few days since getting my mail order prescription. Some days I need 8 mg because the voices are just too loud or things are just “weird”. Like lyrics telling me what to do or music changing their meaning. I might also be paranoid. I know eventually I will become tolerant to the 4 mg where it doesn’t work for me anymore but I hope that doesn’t become the case. It’s obvious from my blogs that the abilify lost its ability to work for me.

There are many reasons for this. Having to lose a parent and the stress of the grief was one major reason. Having to go through a SSD review was another. Not to mention a review for my student loans which still has not been decided yet. Add in the stress of my back problems and knowing I am pretty fucked if I move the wrong way doesn’t exactly make be feel comfortable.

Then you have the external stressor of terrorists that I believe are really aliens looking for power to control the world. One way or the other, world war III is going to happen, eventually. It’s going to be against, possibly, religion or an us vs them mentality. I don’t know who is going to be president of the US in the upcoming election. I hope it’s the democratic nomination but you never know. And if it’s the republican nomination, the world is screwed, not to mention the US. I cannot fathom a racist president will run the US.

It’s been seven months that the voices have been out of control. It’s been a month that I have been off the abilify. The only thing that has stayed constant is my chronic pain. My suicidality has been in and out. Some days it’s very much apart of my life and other times it is barely on my mind. Lately, It has been on my mind more. I so want to escape the harsh reality of being commanded by voices that nobody can hear. They keep telling me to do things. They haven’t specifically told me to kill myself but I fear that they will soon, even with the trilafon that I have been taking. The voices now know that I have been taking trilafon. It’s candy to them. It works most of the time. It’s not perfect because unlike the abilify, I have to take it every 6 hours or so. I am bad at keeping track of the hours so when I start to feel paranoid or can’t stand an object talking to me, I will take another dose. I never exceed 8 mg a day. I am too tired by then and usually am in bed after the second dose, if I need it.

I have been reading Harry Potter tonight. I read three chapters. I wanted to read four but I just can’t. My meds have kicked in and I will be going to bed shortly. I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow except possibly call my psych. I want to let her know what I found out. I think it’s important for her to know how long the psychosis has been going on. This way she can make a clinical decision if she needs to.

I was having zaps earlier this evening. I seriously thought about emptying a bottle of Neurontin in my stomach. I hate zaps. There is nothing I can do for them but wait for them to pass. I hate nerve pain more than my chronic pain that I have. Least with the chronic pain, I can get relief with my pain meds. It really had me feeling suicidal. Throw in the intensity of the voices and it’s not a good mix.

Just another reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t take my trilafon last night so I have been hearing voices the past couple of hours. We have been having a grand conversation about things, most about what I should or shouldn’t do. I woke up later than I wanted to because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I wish I had woken up just ten minutes sooner and I would have been able to catch the ten o’clock bus like I wanted to. But I didn’t so I had to wait an hour for the next bus to the Square. I got a large coffee, my favorite summer drink is the cold brew iced coffee at Starbucks with vanilla sweet cream. It’s so good. I had it with extra cream today and it was sweet. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. Any thing that I love, they discontinue. I am sure it is just for the summer and then it will be gone.

After I got my coffee, I left to go to my PCP’s office to get my prescription. It was really hot out as I was walking outside to get to the building where she is located. I was expecting the AC to be on freezing but it wasn’t. It was cool though. I got my script and then left to go home to get it filled. This would make my third or fourth trip to Walgreens this week. I waited for my meds and then came home. The mail lady was sitting in her truck so didn’t deliver the mail yet. She is so damn slow.

My ankle started hurting me on the walk home. I didn’t bring my cane with me and I wish I had. Damn foot just didn’t want to flex so I was somewhat lifting it or dragging it as I was walking the last leg of the way home. I took some pain medication soon as I got undressed and into my PJs. I am going to try and watch a movie today to keep from being on my feet. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am not that interested in a movie at the moment. I might read some. I am making progress in Brothers Karamazov, but I still have a few more books to go. I had no idea how religious the book is. It kind of reminds me when I was going to the Catholic church when I was younger. I never really read the bible unless there was some purpose in reading it, like say for a class project or something. I have tried to read the New Testament but could never get into it. I remember for my Russian class, we had to read a passage in the bible. Luckily, my niece had one. I also downloaded it on my Kindle app for my tablet. Unfortunately, you have to start from the beginning. You can’t go to sections that you want to read on it, which kind of stinks. Maybe with the Kindle Fire I can maneuver around more, if I choose to read it. I am staying away from all types of religion for now because it doesn’t help the delusions that I am having.

Mood wise, I have been all over the place. I have been feeling ok to feeling really depressed. I am still suicidal at times. I just hate being in pain. I just want to die so I don’t have to be anymore. The voices are making it tough to think straight. They are still wanting me to take most of my pills by the bottle. It’s a difficult fight. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I just can’t bring myself to go in. I know I will be doped up and I don’t want that. Or they might restart the abilify and I don’t want to take that drug anymore. I know it helps quiet the voices. But I just can’t go back to taking it. I fear my life would be in more danger than it is battling myself. It’s been three weeks since I have been off this medication. I take the trilafon almost every other day, but not consistently. It helps keep things low key. I just need some time to sort things out for myself. I know it is dangerous and my therapist and psychiatrist are concerned about me and my safety. But they trust me, even if my judgement is impaired right now. I am still in control. I go to the hospital and things are out of my control. I won’t be able to take my pain meds when I want to take them. I will have to deal with feminine products because my fucking biology is messed up for whatever reason. I hate being in the hospital dealing with menses. I rather wait it out some more days to see if it goes away on its own. Otherwise I will stop the pill and see what happens. I should contact my repro endo doc and see if she has any ideas as to why I am fucking bleeding twice this month. Just another reason for me to kill myself.

rough therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough therapy session

I had a rough therapy session where all we did was talk about my suicidal feelings and the blog that I wrote yesterday. I also told her about getting a call from my psychiatrist. She doesn’t want me emailing her about my psychosis and I am to page her from now on. My therapist wanted me in the hospital but I don’t want to go. I really just want to die and be left alone to do it. We talked about that. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I seriously don’t want to get doped up. I have been taking the trilafon as needed. I will page my doc tomorrow to get more as I only have four left. It’s not going to enough to get me through the weekend.

My therapist also wants me to toss the means I have or to give it to someone I trust. I don’t trust anyone so that will leave the dumping to me. She wants me to text her when I have done it. I am struggling with this big time because this screws up my plan. I may never have an opportunity like this again. And I will kick myself for getting rid of these means. It doesn’t mean I won’t have other means available, but what I have is considerably less lethal. I am also scared that if I go to the hospital with them knowing or me telling them the voices are telling me take all my pills, it might cause problems with my pain medication like it has in the past. Granted my PCP isn’t around anymore and I am being followed by a nurse practitioner, but still, the threat is there. I would seriously hate to have my pills restricted because of some idiot thinking I will OD on them, when I know what will kill me and what won’t. If I want to really fuck up my liver, I just need a bottle of 500 count Tylenol, handy at any pharmacy or store that sells drugs. That is more lethal than what I have in my stocks. Plus it will wreck your liver more than kills you in the process so I don’t want that.

We did some Crisis Response planning. I don’t think I will do anything other than possibly page my psychiatrist. My therapist said she is going away and she doesn’t have coverage so it’s either the psych or the ER as my options. And this is a holiday weekend so it would not be good to get admitted.

I need to somehow take a shower today. I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help with the itchy scalp. It was expensive but my rewards at Walgreens paid off so it only came to be around a buck. Now I got to start rebuilding my points. I still feel out of sorts today. I just took a trilafon to quiet the noise a little bit so I could possibly read. It’s been awfully noisy in my head the past few days that I can’t read. I have a stack of books that are waiting to be read and I can’t get through the ones I have started. I found out today that my favorite author Neil Gaiman is coming out with a new book in February. It’s about mythology. It sound very interesting. He is the only author I know that produces at least two books a year. I wish I could write like that. But then, I am not the creative genius he is. I got my AP Stylebook today. I have been waiting forever for it to see what it is like and stuff but today I don’t have the energy to thumb through it.

I really don’t have the energy to do anything today. I just want to die. I hope my heart stops beating. I just don’t want to live anymore. I feel like crap, like my soul has been sucked out of me. I still feel like I can go ahead with my plan tomorrow and no one would be the wiser. But I made a promise and I always stick to my promises.