Tag: hopelessness

exhausted from being tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

exhausted from being tired

It’s another night of pain so of course I am up. I am so tired and exhausted from fighting pain all the damn time. You think I would be able to sleep. Lately, I have been taking my pain meds with coffee to fight off the drowsiness effect of the pills. I do this to avoid sleeping all day but then I have nights, like tonight, where I can’t sleep.

I have been thinking more about my plan. I have been crying most of the night because I know I will be hurting everyone around me and then some. I keep having this argument in my head of what my therapy session will be like tomorrow. I told my therapist in a text I was done. That things were over. I was half expecting a response but I didn’t get one. Then I texted her that I would have cancelled session but it was too late to do so. I told her I might not be in the mood to talk, pretty much like I was today.

I don’t really know when I will go through with my plan. I know it’s not going to be this week because it’s too damn hot. I want the weather to be cooler as the place that I have chosen is outdoors. I thought about writing a will tonight but I was too tearful. All day I have been tearful, which is weird because it takes so much for me to cry. I guess the pain has finally broken me down.

My sister texted me earlier about a party they are having for my uncle. I guess she was inviting me to go. But I hate going over there because that means an all day affair and I really don’t want to spend more than a couple of hours at my cousins. I will just be bored. I can be bored at home. Besides, more than a few hours sitting or standing for any length of time always brings me more pain in my leg. Sorry Uncle Bob but I can’t see you because my pain is too great. Just another reason for me to off myself.

I kind of feel like I should hang around till after the election to find out who will win. Trump made a huge blunder today and his supporters are all covering for him saying “he didn’t mean it that way”. Like hell he didn’t. Then he tweeted saying “what he meant to say”, which made no fucking sense. It was an outright lie. Yet he has the audacity to call Clinton a liar. My vote won’t count because I’ll be fucking dead. I know I definitely don’t want to be around for the shitshow when the baby loses nor be around should he win. The country will be going to hell and war. Such a sad state of affairs and then they wonder why the suicide rate is so high. I think there was another suicide tonight on the red line. There was a medical emergency that called for shuttle bus services so I can only guess there was a jumper.

It’s a strange feeling when you have the power to end your life whenever you want to. I know that I could go to the hospital but for what exactly? Hospitals haven’t exactly proven to save lives, not when it comes to suicide anyway. They usually precipitate a suicide. The only regret that I have is that I won’t be finishing my reading challenge for the year. I was so looking forward to reading at least 40 books this year and unless I spend every waking moment reading in the next few weeks, I just don’t see it happening. I have 25 books to go. I have no idea what will become of the books I do have. Some of them are brand spanking new. I suppose they can be donated to the library. I know that my suicide books I want donated to my therapist. She should have a suicide library. It won’t be doing me any good anymore.

I keep thinking about how to tell my psychiatrist goodbye. That is going to be tough and tricky. I have known her longer than I have known my therapist. I have written her multiple goodbye letters over the course of my suicidality. I never once gave her any of them. The last email that I sent her that was sort of a goodbye she sectioned me so I have been cautious about giving her letters such as these. I give too soon and I could be found and hospitalized against my will.

I have noticed a pattern over the years. Every year between August through October I become wicked suicidal, more so than at any other time of year. It has been going on since I was a teenager. Back then, you could expect to be admitted for months. Now you are lucky to be admitted for more than a week. This time, I am not going to be admitted, I am just going to follow through with my ideas. I am tired of living. I am tired of being in severe physical pain. I am too complex to be taken seriously by my practitioners. My therapist said with bated breath today that she loved me. I could tell it wasn’t really true because she really hesitated before saying it. It was like she had to prepare herself to say it quickly so to get it out of the way. I will miss her. I know my death will destroy her but I can’t help that. I tried to get her to get rid of me years ago but she still held on. It’s her fault it will hurt. I told her she could leave at any stage of the game. Now the game is over, I’m afraid. Stalemate.

Locked Doors

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. I had texted her late last night telling her I was pissed at her because she didn’t call me. I felt like she didn’t care anymore. She texted me this morning to say sorry and that she didn’t get my voicemail message until this morning. I really didn’t feel like talking to her. I was in such a mood. I woke up weepy and was crying for at least a half hour for no reason at all. I was in pain again so I might have just felt defeated. I would have taken my pain meds but I couldn’t as I had to talk to my therapist in two hours.

I wanted to tell her how poorly I felt last night and how suicidal I was but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I did mention that I was suicidal but she didn’t inquire about it so I just let it go. I thought it was funny that she said I had walls all around me. She also said that when there is a topic I don’t want to talk about I “lock the door and throw away the key”. I felt like saying, isn’t it your job to find the key and open the door?

We have tomorrow’s session as out last session before she is on vacation for two weeks. I told her I might have PT but I am thinking about cancelling it because I just feel so hopeless. I mean, why bother if I am just going to kill myself in a few weeks. My writing friend told me today her friend’s sister died either by suicide or OD, which to her is suicide. The sister apparently got into drug use so it’s unclear what her intent was. I wanted to tell my friend that I would be going to, but I didn’t.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night and I started crying by the time I got to the end. I was just so frustrated by being in pain. I haven’t heard back from her. I don’t think I will. I had my coffee today so I won’t be going out. I don’t know when I will work on the Adler chapter. I just find it hard to think and concentrate on stuff in my room versus at Starbucks. It’s not like I am bothered in my room anymore than I am bothered at Starbucks. But it’s just a different feeling you get when you are out and about.

I woke up in pain again today as I think I have mentioned. It’s better now that I took my meds. I don’t know why I can tolerate the pain better during the day than I do at night. At night I just fall apart. For the second time in two weeks, I have seriously contemplated ending my life that night. If I had a vehicle, I know I wouldn’t be here right now. Last night all I did was brush my teeth and I was seized with pain. I couldn’t have been standing for more than five minutes and I was in so much pain as if I had been standing all day. It’s just getting intolerable. I see the NP this Friday and I know she isn’t going to do anything about it. She isn’t going to care that I get like this. She is just going to go over my med list and then print out my prescription and it’s going to be “have a nice day”. I have learned not to talk about my depression with her because she doesn’t get it. She thinks I should just exercise more or find a hobby. How the fuck can I do that if I can’t even fucking brush my teeth without pain? I am just fed up beyond what I can tolerate. I don’t even think a hospitalization would do me any good because no one care about my pain. They just care about the suicidality and my mood. Then once that “stabilizes”, I am discharged. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist when she is back. Maybe then we can deal with this mess of pain and mental illness.

Last night I was ranting on Twitter. Someone asked if I had someone to talk to and I told them, why bother. That person didn’t respond back. Typical Twitter. You can never have a conversation, a serious one, on there. I don’t know why I post. I guess it’s easier than posting on Facebook.

Starting the day off in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Starting the day off in pain

I woke up late this morning due to pain in my ankle. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up in pain. I took my pain meds and was debating on going back to sleep but decided to make coffee. It was really good and took away the drowsiness of the pain meds away. I felt energetic so I took on a task that I have neglected all weekend: cleaning the stairs. I was doing fairly well until the last four or five steps. My back decided I had enough but I wasn’t done yet. I had to rest before I finished the stairs. Then I swept the area around the stairs as they haven’t been swept in a while. I then vacuumed up the dust and stuff rather than trying to get it in a dustpan. I was done for the day. My back thanked me kindly and I went back up to my room to rest.

I have been reading Twitter. Nothing interesting is going on. I called my therapist as I wanted to talk to her but she is booked. I told her to call me if she got a chance. I just feel like I need to talk to someone because I am losing my mind with pain and the thoughts of suicide are hanging around more than going away. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about ending my life because I can’t stand not being able to do things without pain. Even taking a shower hurts me.

I printed off the disability pass document because I have to renew it. I will drop it off to my PCP’s office on Friday when I have my appointment. Friday is going to be a long day for me because I see the NP in the morning and then I have PT in the afternoon for my Achilles problem. If it causes me more pain than what I am already in, I won’t go through with the sessions. I just can’t bear more pain.

I was going to read Adler today but I am just not up to reading and concentrating. I might read the mindless book about fieldstones. This guy talks about stones a lot in this book. Basically a stone is a note that you write when you have an idea for a book or the book you are writing. Why he just doesn’t say “notes’, I have no clue. It’s getting wicked redundant but it’s mindless reading so I don’t mind it. I might read some Dostoevsky later tonight. The Sox are off tonight so I have plenty of time to read. I just wish I had some motivation to read Adler. I am sure I could finish the chapter today if I did.

My psychiatrist is still on vacation. She won’t be back until next week. It will be good to see her. I will need a refill on my trilafon by then. I hope she changes the order to taking it twice a day as it seems to be working better for me than taking it once a day. I can reach her via email if I need to. If my therapist doesn’t call me today, I will email my psych. I haven’t emailed her since last week when I was in a rut and agonizing over what to do because I was in pain and suicidal. I really wanted her input as the voices were out of control and so was my pain. It was like a double whammy of things going on at once. But me getting all worked up because of pain anxiety got the voices going too. It just is a bad situation. And to make things worse, my therapist is on vacation the next two weeks starting next week. For the first time in 16 years, I am having anxiety over her going on vacation. It’s like my routine is being taken away from me for two weeks and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I do have PT while she is gone so I have some structure but it’s not the same.

It’s another humid day so I am staying in my AC’d room. I don’t really have to go out today, though I still want to get some burgers and hot dogs so my rolls don’t go bad. I wish the meat market sold the hot dogs I like but they don’t. So I need to go to two different places to get these items. I wouldn’t dare go out given that my back and ankle have been screaming at me the last couple of hours. Maybe tomorrow I will go, if I am not in too much pain.

Major shopping done and the suicidality from last night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicidality, suicide

Major shopping done and the suicidality from last night

I got my monthly groceries today. I just finished putting everything away that needed to be put away. The breads I left out for my mother to deal with as the refrigerator needs some shuffling. I am not good at that. I am disappointed they didn’t have my hot dogs and one of the 12 pks I ordered, they decided to give me two 2L bottles. I rather they just give me a credit. I should have sent them back with the guy. But oh well. I have my diet soda that I drink. It’ll come in handy on these hot days.

I must have spent 15 minutes shopping at Walmart and walked out with $66 worth of clothes. It was all the shorts that I needed for the summer as I was wearing out the jean shorts I kept on wearing. I figure it will last me three years at least. That was the last time I went clothes shopping. I hate shopping for clothes. If something doesn’t catch my eye right away, I don’t get it. There were clothes I wanted to get but they didn’t have my size. I was disappointed.

After shopping at Walmart, I went to my therapy appointment. We talked about last night. I am glad that I didn’t email my psychiatrist at like 2 am. I know I would have received a phone call this morning if I did. I was not in good space. My ankle is starting to throb but it was nothing like last night. I still feel like I should be dead. I told my therapist I had every intention to cancel our appointments for next week but she wouldn’t have one word of it. I also told her I felt like texting her but I didn’t feel like it because I knew we would end up talking about it. She told me I could text her any time, day or night. That is good and all but it sucks when you don’t get a response back. I didn’t tell her this.

Our conversation was all over the place. Whenever there was a break, she brought us back to the suicidality. She wanted to know more about it. I really don’t remember much, though I still remember feeling suicidal. I think if I had a solid plan, I probably would have executed it today, regardless of the consequences. I woke up really groggy as I didn’t go to sleep till well after 0200. I did text my therapist around 0211 so I was still up at that time. I just said I was in a “dangerous mood”. I really didn’t want to get up but I couldn’t forfeit the Zipcar. It was well past the time I could cancel it so I forced myself up. I was so sleepy that I didn’t even get myself coffee before leaving Boston. I was half way to my therapist’s location when I realized I didn’t get coffee as I was getting sleepy on the road. I am so glad there is a Starbucks near her office that I always go to. I also got something to eat as I was getting hungry.

I should probably email my psychiatrist and let her know what happened last night and that I am still feeling suicidal. It was very difficult NOT to do something last night as I just was fed up with being in pain all the time, night after night after night. I wish it was close to 2000 so I could take my meds and go to bed. I am so fricken tired. I tried taking a nap before the groceries got here but some idiot from South Carolina called me and woke me up. It was a sign because it was close to when my delivery was scheduled to be delivered. So I never got my nap. I so could use a coffee but I don’t want to fuck up my sleep further.

There was hardly any traffic on the way home, thank goodness. I had enough time to make a run to my house to drop off my shopping bags and then return the car. I am glad I have a location near my house that is within walking distance. There is another location near me but it’s up a hill and I don’t do hills. If I could, I wouldn’t be disabled. My ankle already didn’t like the walk back home but I took my pain meds to quiet it down.

This is why I don’t understand why I got so suicidal last night. It’s not like I don’t have meds for my pain. I do and they work, though taking them before the pain is bad has always been a challenge. I could just take them and within minutes my pain can climb or it could be two hours after I take the meds and then my pain shoots up. There is no rhyme or reason to what brings me pain. The slightest movement seems to make it explode and for some reason, it hurts threefold when I lay down versus when I am sitting up. But I can’t sleep while sitting. It hurts my back and neck being in that position all the time. I have tried to use a pillow and sleep but I always turn over on my side and sleep, sometimes with the sitting pillow as a back support or it ends up on the floor.

I told my therapist about the anger that I was feeling last night when the pain happened to get out of control. I really wanted to punch a wall. I was so done. I have no idea what will happen tonight if my pain returns when I try and sleep. I know part of the reason is because I thought I took my pain meds but I didn’t. I usually take them either before my night meds or after but because I was watching the game last night, things kind of didn’t follow my routine. I also now realize that I was on my feet more because I washed dishes before going up to bed. That could have been why the pain was so intense last night. I did them because my mother would flip if I left them for her in the morning.

I feel really sad that I got so suicidal last night and didn’t act on my feelings even though they were really strong. I think if the voices were not controlled I probably wouldn’t have stayed safe. I don’t know what I would do as most of my medication is three feet from me and I don’t think my foot would have allowed the journey, no matter how suicidal I was. I knew things would be better in the morning (even though technically it was morning) but I couldn’t see it. I had to do something and ended up doing nothing. I feel like a failure.