Tag: mental illness

so tired of the shore

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

So tired of the shore

I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.

I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.

Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.

The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.

abuse finally told

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, suicide

Abuse finally told

****trigger warning****

Wednesday, my mother set off my PTSD. I had such anxiety most of the day that it was driving me crazy along with the intrusive memories and feelings of shame and humiliation. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I was up because of pain so around 0430 before I went to finally rest, I sent a text to my therapist asking if I could still see her today despite canceling the appointment. She responded like an hour or so later saying yes, I could come in.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about this. I had so much on my mind. I needed to ask her input on how to set boundaries with my mother and she said that it is not going to be easy as this is going to be coming from left field with her (my mother). I knew it would be I was just hoping something I could say could diffuse the situation. Really didn’t come up with anything so I started talking about the stuff she did to me. She said if this had happened today, child’s services would have been involved. I still feel sick about all of it. When I told her what she wanted the doctor to do and then I couldn’t tell her what went on at home, with her holding me down to do what she wanted to do. I pretty much told her everything that she ever did to me. She (therapist) thinks my mother is psychotic. She is not trying to take away from what she did to me. My therapist told me what she did was abuse and I was both relieved and scared about this. I always got that what she did was of “motherly concern” so therefore was not abuse. And because when I confronted my mother at 16 she denied it as well as I was told how could I say such things about my mother, it just made me shut down. I denied it because I had to. Now I cannot because it is causing too much turmoil.

The abuse happened when I was a toddler up until I was fourteen. It made the gender dysphoria so much more present and also messed with me in other ways. I feel dirty and I don’t think I will ever be clean. This is all I can write at this time. I wish I could write more but it is hurting too much and stirring up too many emotions.

feeling grumpy and hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grumpy and hopeless

Monday I saw the concussion doc. I am doing better but he still wants me to go to PT. I was supposed to start Friday but this urine infection is giving me bladder pains and cramps. I just don’t want to do nothing. After the appointment I saw my therapist who let me go after 15 mins of being there. I was so uncomfortable with my bladder that sitting was hard. I wasn’t talkative so she just let me leave. I have mixed feelings about it. I then canceled our appointment for tomorrow. I just cancelled all the appointments I had for the rest of the week. I just feel so miserable and depressed. I don’t want to do a goddamn thing. Yesterday was a complete blur. I didn’t sleep Monday night or kept waking up so I think I slept all day. I know I didn’t eat anything except M&Ms peanut candy and Ensure. I think I just left my room to use the bathroom and that was it.

I woke up in miserable mood. The urine culture came back with some bugs in it. Now I am just waiting to see if the doc wants to treat it or not. I am still having bladder pains. I had called yesterday but they said I had to wait till today for the culture to come back. I thought my depression was getting better but now I feel so much worse. Next week when I see the psychopharm I am going to ask her to see if increasing the duloxetine would be good. The nortriptyline isn’t helping my mood as I am on a low dose but it is helping the pain a bit. My neurologist gave me more than a week’s supply of a muscle relaxant. It is working as I am no longer getting spasms in my feet. They would come on while I was in the shower and omg I thought I was going to die just standing there while my feet spazzed out on me.

Right now I don’t have an appointment with my therapist. I responded to her message but haven’t heard anything yet. I got a few appointments next week. I see the behavioral psychologist and then PT. I also see the psychopharm. I feel so blah and overwhelmed with all these appointments.

I am fricken livid at my mother. I was in the bathroom cathing to pee and she just barges in to throw something in the hamper. WTF she couldn’t wait five fucking minutes??? I am so damn mad that she does this to me all the time. I know I need to tell her to stop but it is so hard talking to her because she doesn’t fucking hear what you tell her half the time and need to repeat it several times for her to get it. Then she thinks about what you say and she goes on a different tangent. Drives me fucking nuts. I want to hit the lottery so I can have my own apartment. I will hire a cleaning lady so I don’t have to worry about dust or the bathroom being dirty.

I have been fighting the urge to nap the past two hours. I am just so damn tired. I woke up three times to pee during the night. I try not to drink but the meds make my mouth dry. I got to switch back to Powerade as Gatorade is like drinking water. Soon as I start drinking, I just want more and more and before I realize it, the bottle is gone. Then I have to stay up to wait for it to go to my kidneys so I can empty my bladder for the night. I think nights of sleeping all night are over. There is like this internal 2-3 AM alarm clock that goes off saying I got to pee. It sucks. And once I go downstairs, do my business, then go back to my room, I am awake for a couple of hours.

I don’t plan on doing anything the next few days. I might get my haircut but that will be all. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing. I just want to sleep but the payback is being up all night. I haven’t eaten today and I don’t think I am going to. I haven’t even had an Ensure. I just had a cold brew and a cup of tea. I made the tea perfect. I love when I do that. It is so good. Wind is picking up. I got an alert that an advisory is in effect. Great. Hope it doesn’t keep me up.

Boxing day and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Boxing Day 2019 and other stuff

I went out with friends this afternoon. We had dinner and it was a really good time. My niece accidently kicked my bad foot twice and my foot reacted as if she hit it with a baseball bat. I saw stars and continue to see them.

The psychopharm sent me a couple of messages. I responded and said that I can give her a paper and a scale we can use to assess my suicidality. She is open to it. I am not sure how long she will do this for. I told her that my suicidality needs to be assessed from now on at every visit. She said in one of the messages she would be curious on days that I am not so suicidal how it is. My level of suicidality has been waxing and waning. I am just getting stressed out with my mother as she doesn’t like me fucking sleeping during the day. She doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night no matter how many time I fucking tell her. I had her on block for a while and I think I might do it again as I don’t want to be disturbed with her while I am trying to sleep. She wants me to “open up” to her. I told her that isn’t happening so forget about it. She got mad. I don’t care.

feeling low. I am dehydrated as there is little urine in my bag. I thought I drank enough (bottle and a half of gatorade) but I guess not. The catheter is really bothering me today. I see uro Tues and hope this comes out. The uro wants me to think about a supra pubic catheter. I don’t want to have surgery as I am scared CRPS might spread. I am having horrible bladder pains so I do hope the catheter comes out on Tues. I just can’t deal with it anymore. It is just making me more depressed. Found out my psych diagnosis has changed. I no longer have bipolar disorder. I have recurrent major depression with psychotic features. That fits me better. Though the psychopharm thinks I have persistent depressive disorder (formerly known as dysthymia). Either works for me as I am fucking depressed!!

30 December 2019

I never finished this blog so kept it and decided to just put in today’s date. I start off wanting to say things and then I just lose interest and lose my train of thought. I can’t send my therapist links to my blog anymore because anyone who accesses my record can have access to it and I don’t want that to happen. When I go back to texting her, I will. I don’t know when that will be as she said right now I am “unstable”.

I haven’t really eaten since Boxing Day. I think I just been living off of Ensure. I just have no appetite at all. I had two Ensure today at different times. I really don’t want to leave my room for anything if I don’t have to. I have the larger bag hooked up so I don’t have to empty it often and can sleep without worrying. I see the uro tomorrow and I was worried I wouldn’t as there was a problem with scheduling. They wanted me to come in earlier but I can’t because I have a delivery. I got the times mixed up so I can be there by noon if the delivery is here by 10. I plan on taking a shower when I get up so I can be as clean as possible. I feel dirty but my damn ankle is hurting so much along with me having back spasms that I don’t want to shower right now. I’m not sure if I will be placed on an antibiotic once the catheter comes out just as a preventative. I hope to go back to my “new normal” of cathing a few times a day. I don’t know if I will be able to go on my own yet. Won’t know until the catheter is out but I am thinking not as I have had zero urges. I am going to ask the uro about the bladder pain. If it is from the catheter, fine but if it isn’t, something needs to be done about it.