Tag: mental illness

it’s 2 am…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am…

It’s not quite 3 am yet but I love this song. It’s by Jason Aldean and called Why.

I am having a rough time. Pain is bonkers. I’ve lost track how many times the pain has moved from my ankle to my foot and back. Then my ankle bone hurts only for it to travel to my foot bones. Now my foot is on fire so I think the pain meds have done their job. I just don’t want to chance it flaring up again by laying down.

I researched the psychologist I will be seeing in 13 hours. He mostly has focused on head, face, and neck pain. Not my kind. Also promotes CBT. He suggests that for me and I will kill myself. I don’t fucking care. I hate this therapy and think it is bogus. Not everyone responds to it and I know I won’t because I think it’s bullshit. There are some aspects of it that are worthwhile but like anything else, it takes time to practice and use it well. I really don’t want to wait another 18 weeks or more to see if this is “for me” and still have fucking flare ups without pain control in any other way.

I tried writing in my journal but the pen I decided to use was being difficult. Sometimes it wouldn’t write and I had to go over letters to make them visible. It was annoying me rather than helping me. I don’t know what I did with my left arm. It feels weak, like I lifted something heavy, which I didn’t. I haven’t carried anything so no idea what I did but it’s annoying me. It doesn’t hurt so that is good.

My migraine has gone. I hope it stays away. I am really tired and know I should try and sleep but my foot and ankle pain is just so intense. I can’t even give it a number because it just hurts. It is also indescribable. I hate that kind of pain. It’s so hard to know how to treat it. Do I treat it with this med or that med? I just don’t know so I take both and hope it works. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t want to be foggy later on. I think these late nights are causing me to be a night owl. I know that if I am not asleep by midnight, chances are it is a guessing game when I will be asleep. After 0200, and I am really up for the night. Just sucks because I have to leave the house by 1245 to make it to my appointment on time, which means I will have to eat something at Starbucks. I think I will get the cherry mocha again with 3 shots of espresso. That was yummy. I will try and remember to bring my reusable cup I bought the other day. They only have this drink until Wednesday. It’s too bad because it tastes so good! I love mocha anyway. It’s my favorite drink beside having the espresso alone with soy milk.

I am going to try this thing called sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s supposed to be good for you yet I never feel refreshed afterwards so don’t get the appeal. I’ll let you know how it goes…

discouraged and fatigued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I have serious mental illness that disrupts my thoughts and shifts my mood to hopelessness and suicidal in an instant. I lose motivation to do things. Just getting out of the house is hard. 2 this condition is flat out driving me insane.

I asked my physio what are the goals of therapy and she laid it out for me and stressed I need to be doing the home exercises to regain what I have lost. It is stressing me out that going to my appts and then having to rest the day after or two is not working. I’m still in pain. She wants me to go to some functional program. But it takes full commitment, 2 or 3 days of being there 8-2pm. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’ve been up all night in pain. Monday’s are worse because I have to walk to my therapist’s office. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to lay around the house and go to Starbucks and write. But pain is limiting me to even do that. I’m not adequately controlled with my pain so how the hell can I do these exercises if I hurt. Just fed up and want to quit everything.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My PT emailed me with goals and wanting me to go to a functional program at a different SRH location. My depression makes doing anything hard. Pain compounds this. I haven’t been doing much with the home exercises because I am exhausted after going to an appt the day before or even going to PT appt. PT is saying I need to commit to the therapy to regain function (haven’t had function in my ankle for 17 yrs mind you) and decrease fatigue in my foot/ankle. I’m starting to feel like a failure but I am not getting adequate pain control and I don’t know if I ever will. Just making breakfast today and taking out the trash hurt me. Making the squash killed me. Going up and down stairs hurts every single day and I do that a lot. Add the PT and it will overflow me. I feel like I am drowning. I am out of the house at least 3 times a week. I just can’t keep up. I move I hurt. I don’t move I hurt. How can I win?

If I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I am just going to end it. Why bother?

screwed up with my laptop

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Screwed up with my laptop

My RAM for the laptop came in. I took the laptop apart and found that there were no memory slots. I emailed Dell and they said the unit came like that. WTF. I am going to see if I can return it. No use in having it if I can upgrade it. In the process of fiddling with it, I somehow caused the mouse to become non-functional. I will have to take it apart again and see what I messed with. A wire might be loose or something.

I went for blood work this morning as my psychiatrist wanted to check my chemistries. Everything came back within normal limits. The phlebotomists sucked. They stuck me twice and were poking with the needle. Assholes. I wasn’t feeling like picking a fight with them so I just let it be. I was tired and hungry and just wanted to leave. My foot has been bothering me all fricken day. I canceled physical therapy. I am so tempted to cancel my remaining appts. I am just fed up with being in pain and nothing really helping. It’s really hard to do the home exercise routine when you are in pain worse than you were the day before. I am trying to do at least one thing but that doesn’t always happen. I keep blaming myself for this, which I know isn’t helping but at the same time I can’t help but think I am not trying. Yet if I am able to go to Starbucks for the day, then that is something more than just doing some exercises.

Can’t believe in two days I see the LGBT doc. I am really nervous about it. I keep imagining the worse, which is him saying no, I can’t have hormones ever. That will just crush me. I know there might be some hinderances, especially with my damn current reproductive system that may or may not cause delay. My biggest fear is that I will need an MRI to check my pituitary before I start hormones. I hate brain MRIs worse than back MRIs. I am a little claustrophobic and because they have your head in this cage thing, just makes it worse.

I need to change my bed sheets this weekend. It’s a chore I fricken hate with a passion but needs to be done. The foam topper is sliding off the mattress and because of the nice straps I bought, they are keeping the sheet in place, which makes it hard to move the foam back in place. It is very annoying.

I need to make the vegetables that I bought last week. I really want to make the butternut squash and mash it with brown sugar and butter. I’m not sure what to do with the zucchini. I wanted to make chocolate zucchini bread but my mother is using both her cake holders. I won’t have a container to put the bread in when it is done. I might cut it up and put it in Tupperware containers or something. Depends on how I feel tomorrow as I don’t want to be hurting all day tomorrow as I need to get up early Friday morning for the doc appt. I will be going in the opposite direction of the Square as I need a different train to get to the doc’s office. It is right by Fenway Park, which I will drool a little bit as baseball season is around the corner. Seemed like forever for it to come. Just two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting. Going to be an interesting season with the new manager. Man, I miss baseball. I need to finish the history book I am reading. I only have two chapters left. I wanted to read one this afternoon but my damn laptop distracted me. I will read one before bed. So much for reading 1 book a month. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to do this.

suicidal triggers, how fast they come

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Suicidal triggers, how fast they come on

I’ve had a long day. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist back to back. I left my house around 1130 and didn’t get home till around 1800. Meeting with my psych went well. She wants me to call her after my appt with the LBGT doc I see Friday. I had to laugh because she said it so eagerly. I told her I would page her when I got home that day. As I was leaving the building, I bumped into my former supervisor in the lab. We talked for a bit before going our separate ways. I told her to say hi to the folks in the lab for me, especially the other supervisor. I really miss being in the lab. It was my life for 14 years.

I was feeling kind of sore as I walked toward the station to go to my therapist’s office. I had to take a little break about half way there. I had been having dizzy spells on and off all day. I was making sure to keep hydrated today. My therapist and I had a good chat. We didn’t stay on any one topic for too long. I felt good after seeing him. I decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. I grabbed something then made my way home. The train was delayed at points, much to my annoyance, as I wanted to get home, eat, and then sleep. Finally got to my stop and I stood up. HOLY PAIN. My ankle scooping pain that I have been feeling for a week returned and felt like my ankle bone was going to pop. I swore as I hung on the railing to keep from falling. I limped to the escalator and the rest of the way through the station to get to the busway. My mood took a nosedive. My sister had texted me and I responded that I was on my way home and hurting. As I waited for the bus, I sat there pondering why I am still alive. What is the purpose of living if I am just going to be in fucking pain. I was so fed up. I felt like I was no good to my family. They would be better off without me. I felt such high despair it was unbearable. I didn’t let my sister know any of this. She said she hopes the pain settles and that she loves me. I responded thanks and love you too.

The bus came and it felt like forever getting to my stop, not like I was looking forward to getting off the bus. I had to walk 2.5 blocks to my house, which I knew would be in agony. I really just wanted to disappear forever. I slowly walked home, watching each step I took so I didn’t further hurt my aching ankle. I got to within a block from my house and I carefully watched my steps because last week I stepped on a rock that hurt my ankle. Luckily, there were no rocks in my path. I was starting to feel dizzy again. All I thought was please don’t let me pass out as I walked up the stairs.

I made it and I still was feeling lousy emotionally. I still wanted to die. I had my dinner, which was cold but I didn’t care. I listened to music as I ate. My mother came into the kitchen and moved my bags that I had on the table. I finished my dinner and threw out the bags. It was really painful to stand, let alone walk. My mother had done laundry but there was no way I could navigate carrying the clothes while holding onto the railing. They would have to wait. I went to my room and carefully changed into my pajamas. I opened the box that I had, the few things I had ordered from Amazon.

I kept on feeling off. I was feeling dizzy and panicky. I took an Ativan and some pain meds to try and calm things down. I took my pulse because I felt like my heart was palpitating. It was a slow beat, which was odd. I measured it with my phone and it was 58. I don’t ever have a slow pulse. Maybe that is why I feel so dizzy. I tried to take my blood pressure but the batteries on my monitor need to be replaced and I don’t have the batteries. I’ll have to get them tomorrow. That would explain things. I don’t think I will take my night time dose of blood pressure pills. With all the fluid that I drank today, my pulse should not be 58, especially after going up the stairs. I’ll be calling my PCP tomorrow to let him know this. He might want to lower my BP meds or something.