Tag: mental illness

bad day at the dentist and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad day at the dentist and other things

I went to the dentist to have my gum looked at as it was still sore. He didn’t do the filling on the other side as he basically had to redo the filling where my gum was inflamed. He then told me the bad news, that I needed a crown or an extraction, possibly a root canal on that tooth. I have no idea if my dental insurance will cover it. I know the last time I needed a root canal it cost me like $1500 as a down payment before they did any work, and that was with my insurance.

The work he did today is going to leave me sore the next couple of days. He said the filling was down to the bone. Not good. I go back to see him next week to see how things are. I wanted to go to Starbucks for coffee but my mouth is very numb. I will be numb the next couple of hours so maybe tomorrow I will go to the Square.

I had a bad dream early this morning. I don’t know why. I usually just have weird dreams. But I woke up feeling scared and I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I then played with my phone until I felt sleepy. When I came back from the dentist, my mother had made some peppers and eggs. I was starving so I had some, being careful not to chew on the side that was numb.

I was really tired after the dentist so took a nap. It was cool today so I shut off the AC but after my nap, I was really hot. I never mailed my friend’s card. Dammit. I texted her this morning to wish her a happy birthday. I would have loved to go out to see her rather than see the dentist today. I know it would have made her day.

Last night, I had my blog stats spike. I had over 100 views. My top three were my home page, the therapist blog from the other night, and Knackered, in that order. It was people from the US that was reading. It gave me a boost mentally. I usually average around 50 views a day so more than doubling that felt really good.

I think I am going to read Tom Sawyer. I am way behind in my reading. I want to read 30 books this year and right now, I have only read 7 for the year. I need to be better on reading books rather than Twitter or Facebook all day. Maybe I should put a timer on or something so I am not spending all day on social media. Twitter has just got me feeling scared of my country’s future as long as Cheeto is still in charge. I wish they would impeach him already because it is obvious he isn’t going to resign. He likes the power too much. It’s really sad.

busy Monday morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Busy Monday morning

I had a shitty sleep. I fell asleep sometime after 0200 only to wake up around 6 because my foot was in severe pain. I took my pain meds and slept until my alarm went off. I didn’t want to get up but I had to be at the dentist office by 0800. I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and headed out. I had to wait until the dentist was available to see me. He said that I had severe inflammation of the gums but wasn’t too sure what was causing it. He wanted it to go down and for me to finish my antibiotics before taking x-rays.

I left in time to catch the bus to the Square. While I was waiting, I called my PCP’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. It was. I had breakfast at Starbucks. I ordered a snickers latte rather than espresso. I felt like treating myself to something good. I had 6 espresso shots. It was stronger than I thought it would be but still good. I went to my PCP’s office after I finished and then went to the pharmacy. My foot was in severe pain by the time I came home. I hadn’t taken any pain meds with me and the last time I had taken them was around 6 this morning. I was overdue. My foot was also on fire so when I came home, I took my pain meds and Neurontin. I also rinse my mouth out with the antibacterial rinse. It doesn’t go well with powerade but I can’t take the Neurontin with water because it is gross. Guess it was the lesser evil.

I wanted to get my meat sauce for supper but my mother is making lazy man lasagna. I will save it for another day. It’s not going anywhere. I have been wanting to have it with penne pasta for a while now. I haven’t had lunch yet. I will finish off the White Castle burgers. That should tie me over until supper time.

I am going to try and stay up but I have a feeling I am going to take a nap. I am really tired from all that I did this morning. I was out for 4 hours. I am glad I don’t have therapy this afternoon. It would suck. My mood sucks right now. I am just exhausted from hurting and not sleeping. I am so tired of waking up in severe pain. It’s really mentally exhausting. The hard part is that I have absolutely no control over it. It flares up whenever it wants to whether I am sleeping, trying to sleep, or just plain resting.

My fricken bowels are going nuts. Whenever I have Starbucks milk, it seems I am intolerant to it. I don’t fricken care because I have been backed up the last few days but the cramps are horrible. I just hope I don’t have an accident because that will kill me. I also hate having to go up and down the stairs a lot because of it. I so wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms are.

I’m trying to make plans with a friend that I met while in the hospital. Every time I ask when to meet up, she is vague or doesn’t answer. I really don’t want to go out tomorrow, except to Walgreens because idiot me forgot my strong pain pill script to get filled today. I had it on the edge of my bed so I wouldn’t forget it but I did. I also need to mail a birthday card for a friend of mine. Maybe I will get some pizza when I drop off the card to the mailbox, though I have been thinking of getting a pastrami sub lately. I love pastrami.

One of my blog readers suggested I get input for the blog about therapists who shaft clients for the suicidality or hospitalization history. If you would like to contribute, please email me at Collerone at Yahoo dot com or use my contact page to send me a message. I’m still mulling over ideas for it so you have time to also contribute if you would like. Please get it in by this week though. I’d like to write it up by the weekend. I think it’s important to get the word out that there are therapists and organizations out there that just don’t want to deal with severe mental illnesses.

ramblings 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 321

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4 am and then woke up every two hours. I gave up around 8 and stayed up for a little while and then took a nap until around 1. I was so tired. The therapist that I was looking forward to seeing was a bust. I was “too sick” for the organization. I am bullshit. Just another drop to my self-esteem about how the mental health field thinks it’s all rosey and no one needs to be suicidal or have psychosis or hospitalizations. What a joke.

I emailed my psych with the news. I see her Friday. I told her I guess I am stuck with my dipshit therapist for now. I am too exhausted to search for new therapists. He is on vacation next week so I have another break from him. I might email him with something sarcastic about how I felt about yesterday’s session. I am still processing it.

Last night I asked my brother in law about ceiling fans as I think the one in my room is on its way out. Over the weekend, it started making noises. I have been using it non stop all summer as it helps circulate the AC air. I have it on its lowest setting right now. He said he will look at it today to see what the problem is. I hope I don’t have to get a new one. I have a low ceiling so I need one that is similar to the one I have. I was looking at Amazon and they actually have someone to install it for you. Score. I think I found one that would be good. I want one light not multiple like my current one. I really just use two lights of the four anyways because otherwise, the room is way too bright. I mostly use my desk lamp anyways.

I am feeling pretty crappy, both physically and mentally. My ankle and mouth are still giving me grief. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and it hurt to chew. Mentally I am just exhausted from all the chronic pain that I have been feeling. I just want to give up. I just muddle through the day and am always exhausted. My mother is making zucchini for supper. She is baking it rather than frying it. It’s my favorite squash in the summer and I don’t even care to eat it. I’m just really bummed that I was turned down to that therapy organization because of the severity of my mental illness.

A fellow blogger was telling me about how she had published her book, free, through a website called Lulu.com. She said in the blog that they would distribute the book through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Seeing as my second book isn’t selling, I decided to have it on this site. http://www.lulu.com/shop/g-collerone/darkness-always-wins-short-stories-about-mental-illness/paperback/product-23287461.html
The process was way more easier than Amazon’s CreateSpace process. Maybe because I had already done the formatting and things it was easier, I don’t know. I just know that I clicked on this, uploaded, wrote a few things, and boom, published. They are selling my book at a lower rate than Amazon and the royalty is not the same. I get less than three bucks per book sold. But if it helps people get my book out there, I am for it.

I went to Walgreens as I had to pick up my prescription. My brother in law was leaving the house at the same time and offered me a ride. Given my ankle has been hurting me all day, I took it. I didn’t want to aggravate it and be in more pain. He had a few other errands so I went along. I didn’t leave the vehicle except for Walgreens. I had left my wallet at home so I couldn’t get anything even if I wanted it. Even though I didn’t walk around or anything, I am still tired. I just want to nap but yesterday I did that and then I was up all fricken night. I just couldn’t sleep. I was so tired but just couldn’t sleep. Every time I laid down, my ankle/foot went berserk on me.

My brother in law came up a little while ago. He said the blades of the ceiling fan are loose. He needs to take the thing apart to tighten it up. Tomorrow. So maybe I don’t need to get a new ceiling fan after all. One less expense.

never ending. It just goes on and on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Never ending. It just goes on and on

I’m trying to settle down for sleep but a new pain keeps popping up when I lie down, when I sit up, when I take my meds, when I move it, etc. It is fucking never ending. I am not doing a damn thing tomorrow, least that is the plan for now.

I sent an email to my psychiatrist asking her if I was a difficult patient. I briefly discussed my therapy session with my therapist and that the therapy group down the hall from him contacted me. Unfortunately, it got filtered to my junk mail so I didn’t get it until I got home. My phone doesn’t get junk mail for they could be viruses embedded in what they send. Last thing I need is a virus on my phone.

I just sent an email to my neurologist asking her if she could help me out by confirming that I do indeed have CRPS as my PCP just wants to pass me off to another doctor. I am tired of seeing new doctors who aren’t helpful and then just want to pass me off or not treat/see me anymore. I see my neuro in two weeks. It was kind of a long email but I don’t care. My stupid phone kept on inserting different words as I typed, which annoyed the crap out of me. I should have just typed it on my laptop so I wouldn’t get aggravated. Lesson learned.

My foot feels like it is being strangled. There is such a pressure on it like it’s going to burst. I am so tired that I am reaching the over tired stage, which is dangerous because I could catch my second wind and then be up all night. I took an Ativan because along with the strangulation, my ankle is pulsating. The little muscles are twitching. This condition is so frustrating because there is never ending different kinds of pain. I wish I could see a doctor at this hour so they can see or I can try to explain to them what living with this condition is like. All I can do is send them an email and then not get a response. But at least by writing it out, it helps me because at least I have documentation that I wrote this to a doctor.

I still am shocked that in the great medical hub of Boston, I have not found a doctor that is willing to help me. Sure, my PCP gives me pain meds to alleviate my pain. I appreciate that. But he doesn’t want to stop there. Right now my diagnosis is in the air and it is making everything seem like we haven’t tried enough. I am tired of this merry go round. I want off. I asked my neuro if she could possible give me a concrete diagnosis and staple it on my PCP’s head. Well, I didn’t say that. But if she could send a note to him saying I have this dreaded condition, then maybe I don’t have to see yet another new doc. There is no treatment for this condition. I know this. My PCP knows this, my neuro knows this. But opioids help me and if I don’t have them, I am good as dead. I have exhausted physical therapy. I have tried injections. I have tried rest. This is no longer a case of tendonitis. It is deeper than that.

The pain is changing all the fucking time, all over my ankle, foot, toes, bones. It hurts every where. Normally, at this hour, I would be writing a morbid story about ending my life. That is what this blog was about. My suicidal thoughts in the cybersphere. But then one day someone took it too far and called the cops on me so I no longer talk about those things, even though it relieves the tendencies to act. Thoughts are NOT the same as feelings. And feelings does not mean act upon them. It is okay to feel. It is ok to think. Here is a quote from the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman that I had the pleasure of talking to him before he died.

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I write these blogs because I still am struggling night after night, day after day. Pain increases my vulnerability to think of self-destruction. I have the means though no one talks about restricting them. I told my psychiatrist I have something that will end my life but still, she doesn’t ask about it when I see her. She never does. Poor assessment of risks. So does my therapist who knows damn well that I have chronic suicidal thoughts. It makes me angry that I am not treated the way I was with my former therapist, Bozo. She was annoying, I will give her that, but she fucking cared and if I had a method she damn well tried to take it away from me the best she could. I really miss her. Yesterday was her birthday. I wonder if I will be alive to see mine. I really am surprised that you CAN get anything off of Amazon. While I was searching for my method, they had machetes. Machetes!! I don’t think I would have the will power to use it to chop my ankle off but I know a chainsaw would do the job. I refuse to search for it because I know in my darkest of moments, I may just buy it. I’ll go all Scarface on my ankle and groin to sever my artery.

I am once again plagued by dark thoughts. All because I can’t sleep and I am in pain that is never ending. It just goes on and on.