having a rough day so listening to Taylor

Having a rough day so listening to Taylor

I only got about 4 hours sleep. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 0600. I didn’t think I was going to get to sleep but I took an Ativan and slept a little bit. I made coffee and finished Huck Finn. My sister made a burger on the grill and I am having a beer. I love Sam Adams Summer Ale. I still need to go to the liquor store to see if they have Zima. That is my all time favorite drink. But it’s only limited edition so once it is gone, it is gone.

After I had the burger, the pain in my ankle came back. I took some pain meds. I don’t care that I am drinking a beer with it. One beer isn’t going to hurt me. I’m hoping it will make me sleep for a bit. I am really tired. It has been a long while since I was up all night. I had emailed my psych but haven’t had a response. I really don’t know what I wrote other than I was fed up with my condition and I didn’t want to go in the hospital unless they would amputate my ankle.

It’s another hot day but I don’t care. My sister wanted me to help her with the lawn stuff. HA, No fucking way. I am just glad she got the grill up and running. I miss having BBQ food. There is a chicken kabob recipe I got on Facebook that I want to try. She needs to show me how to work the grill though as I really have no clue.

I was going to change my sheets today but that isn’t going to happen. I am much too tired to attempt such an ordeal. I’ll attempt the task tomorrow. I still need to bring down my recycles. I have two bins now full. I’ll take them down tomorrow as Thursday is trash day, least I think it will be. I’m not sure because today is a holiday.

Can’t believe I am still hurting and I haven’t done a thing for the past half hour. I am starting to feel a little drunk. Doesn’t take much to get a buzz off alcohol these days. I am almost done with my beer. I was hoping it would tone down the pain but I guess not. I am so depressed about it. Seems like nothing helps this pain and I am just forced to live with it. What kind of life is that? Not one that I want to live through. I much rather be dead. But I am a coward. I have a plan and yet I am scared to execute it. I don’t know if I will succeed this time or if I will be saved because I will be in a public space. But it is where I want to die. I hope one of these days I get the guts and go through with it. My only other fear is that it will be too far to walk to. I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to exist anymore.

bitch rant

Bitch rant

I’m not in a good mood right now. I made my dessert and then cleaned up afterwards. I washed all the dishes that were in the sink while my dessert was setting in the fridge. I am in a lot of pain now. I took some pain meds but my feet got cold and when I put on my thermal socks, the elastic aggravated my ankle. I am hurting all over the damn place. Now my toes are fucking hurting. I can’t stand it anymore!! I don’t know why I am so strung out.

After I cleaned up, I took a shower and had to cut my toe nails. My foot did not like that. I didn’t do a good job on my big toe. It’s rough and uneven. I can’t seem to fix it without pain so when it settles down, I will try and file it. I can’t even touch my own foot. It just hurts too much.

I took my night meds after I filled my box for the week. I feel very depressed that I am in pain. I also feel suicidal. I won’t do anything tonight. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever do anything. I seem to make all these fucking plans but never go through with them. Pisses me off so much. I just want to fucking die right now and I can’t go through with it all because I can’t fucking walk. I am so pathetic.

I got shit from my mother tonight because I didn’t want to call my brother in law to throw the trash over the porch. I didn’t have shoes on and the porch floor has pebbles on it. I didn’t want to get them on my bare feet because they stick. So my mother had a fit. Tough shit. She can take care of it tomorrow. I don’t fucking care.

I don’t know why I am so fucking low tonight. I know it’s partly because I am so much pain. I never get a break from it. If I do, it’s only for a few hours. Most of the time it is while I sleep. If I could sleep all day, that would be great but I can’t. I am so tired of being in pain. I really wish I was dead.

Random 180

Random 180

Once I fell asleep around 0500, I didn’t get up till around 1400. It was a good sleep. I made coffee. My mother had left some bacon out and I had that. Then I made a couple of hot dogs after the coffee. I wanted more coffee but didn’t feel like making another cup. My ankle was smarting as I was making stuff in the kitchen. I decided to make my dessert so I took out the needed ingredients. Hopefully the cream cheese and butter will be softened by 1800 or so. It’s really warm in the kitchen so I think it will be. I will make the lemon pudding soon. I should take out the ground beef so I can make my dirty gravy tomorrow. Maybe I will when I go in the kitchen next.

Other than making the dessert, I have no other plans today. My sisters have gone to the beach. Apparently the one that lives around the corner from me came over this morning. I was sound asleep so didn’t see her. She left me a pen from Sicily. I can’t wait to see her. I missed her a lot.

The All Star Game is next week. I have been voting for my favorite shortstop, again because he didn’t make the rounds. I voted for him last year and he didn’t make it. I hope this year he will. My Sox will be off, again, for four days. I am going to go nuts, lol. I love baseball so much. I wish I could watch it more but I can’t sit for that length of time. I love listening to the game more or following it on Twitter or both. I had sent my BFF in Canada Red Sox hats for her son and grandsons. They loved them. They didn’t want to take the hats off. So cute. I feel really happy that they love them. Makes me feel good.

A dear friend sent me an audible book. I never heard a book before so I am not sure what to expect. I plan on listening to it some time tonight. He said it might help me sleep, lol. Maybe it will relax me after the ball game. The game is in Texas and will start at 2000. I have been spoiled with day games the last few days.

I think I am going to fill my pill box for the week. I don’t think I will be going to the hospital as I am feeling better and the voices have quieted down. I’m not feeling like I should be babysat or in a safe environment. I know that if I go in with psychosis, chances are they will put me on a different medication than the trilafon. I really don’t want to change meds. The 2nd generation of antipsychotics have a lot of side effects that I don’t like and may put me at greater risk of diabetes because I have a history of diabetes in my family. I have enough medical issues and don’t need any more. Long as my suicidality stays in check, I should be okay.

I have no therapy this week because my therapist is on vacation. I do see my psychiatrist this week. I am kind of weary about it because the day before her appointment, I will be going out with friends. I hope there isn’t much pain that night or I will be screwed. Having a chronic pain condition just sucks because you never know when you are going to flare. It is so frustrating.

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

I have been reading CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts edited by Craig Bryan, PhD and these are my thoughts about the book by chapter. I also describe what each chapter is about.

Chapter 1: Deals with the problem of suicide and how it’s on the rise. It also describes the difficulty of knowing what works and what doesn’t. The authors goes on to what the book is about and how CBT has been shown to be useful in some clients with suicide ideation.

Chapter 2: Describes the dreaded nomenclature of suicide attempts, ideas, suicidality, etc. The authors describe how the term SDV (self-directed violence) is a more accurate term and also other terms to decide pathways on treatment protocols. They term the entire suicidality as SDVCS-Self-Directed Violence Classification System. It is used by three large federal organizations- the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention), the VA (Veterans Administration), and the DOD (Department of Defense).

This chapter gives good examples of how different researchers, clinicians, and other professionals can use this classification system. I didn’t review the system pathways and yes/no guidelines because terms don’t mean that much to a suicide attempt survivor writing about my lived experience. I’m either suicidal or I’m not. I don’t need to classify and put myself into a category. But if you are a clinician/researcher or other academic interested in suicide prevention, the nomenclature is pretty good and better than what Silverman et. al. proposed in 2007 a and b (see this blog post on my thoughts about their terms).

Chapter 3 deals with what works and what doesn’t in suicide risk. It talks about studies pertaining to talking therapies and psychopharmalogical treatment of suicidal behaviors. I found this to be more of a review of what I know as of right now in terms of evidence based practices (EBP) and what is not. Some studies were really small and others were large. Most centered around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as that is a high risk group. What I found upsetting is that those with bipolar disorder or those that were psychotic were excluded from most of the studies. As I suffer from psychosis and bipolar disorder, my participation would not be included and I find that disappointing, especially since bipolar disorder and other psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia have a higher incidence of suicide than major depression alone.

Chapter 4 was an eye opening chapter that I really liked. It talked about all of the suicidologists that I have been following for the past eleven years. It discusses different theories and models of suicide and risk assessment. It also discusses protective factors of suicide such as reasons for living/dying. I found this chapter to be really good and a lead off to how all of the things talked about lead to the next chapter, which is a case example.

Chapter 5: In this chapter, a case is described step by step of a suicidal older gentleman and the cognitive steps, consent, etc. are used by a play by play dialogue. Things like safety planning, coping cards, and hope kit are discussed in detail and how to implement them in therapy using cognitive therapy.

Chapter 6 talks about a brief cognitive behavior treatment (BCBT) for inpatient units called PACT (Post Admission Cognitive Therapy). It discusses the criteria for engaging patient, pros/cons of treatment and how not everyone may be suitable for this type of treatment, e.g., those with active psychosis/mania.
It would be good if this could be implemented but as the treatment is 5-6 days and on average most admissions are 3 days, I don’t see how this is to be helpful. Discussion of staff resistance and burnout are also discussed.

Chapter 7: This was very interesting as I’ve never really read about military psychotherapy before. The chapter gives specifics on how to approach a veteran or active military personnel in crisis or dealing with suicidal thoughts. It talks in detail about Brief Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (BCBT) and the steps per session. Not all persons will respond within the 12 sessions. It is individualized for each person. The chapter also talks about hot to discuss lethal means safety and means restriction (see chapt 9 for more information; e.g., gun safety in particular). When the sessions are down to the last two and command of previous exercises are demonstrated to be efficient, end of therapy is initiated. Booster sessions are discussed in case of future crises should happen. I found this therapy to be specific not only for military but can be used for any type of suicidal behavior. It’s a collaboration between therapist and client.

Chapter 8: Emergency departments are the top places suicidal people end up, either with an attempt, ideation, or crisis. Sadly, if the right precautions are not set (e.g., inpatient care or some type of follow up care), individuals are more than likely to die by suicide.
This chapter talks about the challenges and brief interventions that can be initiated so that death by suicide does not occur after a visit. The authors describe specific suicide safety planning that is individualized for that person to help them cope with stress that makes suicide appealing. It also gives crisis numbers, either a trusted person they can talk to in time of need and/or the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255, text 741741 (US only)). Once a little role play is done and the individual can demonstrate they will use this plan, patients are discharged to follow up outpatient care.
Only trouble I have with this approach is that not all EDs are equipped with mental health professionals and don’t have the 30-45 minutes or so it would take to implement the safety plan, even though it is crucial this should happen.

Chapter 9: As more and more evidence is building that suicidal individuals are seeing a primary care provider prior to death by suicide, it’s become imperative that PCPs have the training to ask patients for means restriction. The author suggests several ways to initiate the conversation and lists steps to do this. If patients are resistant, the use of motivational interviewing techniques are employed. The end result is a means restriction receipt where PCP and patient have agreed to restrict their lethal means. If possible, a supportive person is asked to help secure the means.

Chapter 10: This chapter talks about the use of psychotropic medication and the use of CBT or BCBT in suicidal patients. To date, there has not been studies where therapy and medication has been shown to be effective in reducing suicide risk. It is suggested that despite the thoughts and black box warnings of the FDA, suicide ideation is still likely to occur of not treated or dealt with at the beginning of pharmacological treatment. The author also discusses the risk of substance use and dependence disorders that can increase the risk of a suicide attempt. PTSD has also been discussed as hyperarousal states can increase suicide risk.

Concluding thoughts: Overall, I found this book to be extremely helpful, concise, and important in the prevention of suicide attempts. With the right intervention at the right time, Brief CBT can help decrease the suicide risk and possibly the overall suicide rate.