Tag: mental pain

random thoughts 05082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 05082020

I went to buy some dark chocolate today and was rewarded with Godiva ganache hearts, which is the best of the best dark chocolate. It is so fricken good. I bought two packages. I could have bought all four that were there but I didn’t want to be greedy. I came home and I was exhausted. I made a bacon burger for lunch and then tried to nap but couldn’t sleep. I had coffee before I went to the store and it just made me tired. Tomorrow I might go to Starbucks before therapy and get a macchiato. I am in love with their Caramel Cloud Macchiato. It is so good. I think that will be good for me to go out. I am getting cabin fever staying inside all the time.

I wanted to shave and shower today but I am just too tired. Plus my ankle has been acting up so standing is an issue. I will try to do it tomorrow before therapy. I don’t know if my therapist has decided to meet twice a week because I am off my meds or what. But we have been the past week. If I end up seeing her Monday, I will know she really is concerned about me. I sent her a message that I thought made sense but when I read it, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Have no idea when I sent it. I think it was in the early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep the other night. I should have written what I wanted to and be done with it but my brain went a different direction.

Sox are playing now. I don’t care to listen to the game. They are playing at the Trop and I hate that ballpark. Sox are off tomorrow. Two of my favorite players are not playing tonight because they are in slumps. Both are left handed hitters and tonight’s pitcher was a lefty so I understand why they gave them the night off but it sucks because there are only so many games. The sox are not doing well anyways. I think their record is like 4-11. Least it was the last I checked. It has been good baseball has been back but it isn’t the same without fans at the game. The noise level isn’t the same and the energy the fans bring is obviously not there. Kind of sad.

I really like Taylor’s new album. My stupid phone only downloaded 14 of the 16 so I had to manipulate the settings to get the two songs I was missing. Of course one of them would be the number one song in the top 100 hits. I am so happy she made history by being the first artist to be number one on Top 100 Hits and Billboard’s 200. I have a feeling she will be there for a while. This is such a good album.

I hope I sleep tonight. Last night I woke up to pee at like 0330 and couldn’t go back to sleep till 5ish. It did me in as I was tired for most of the day. My level of depression has been high today. Gender dysphoria has been in high gear the past few days. I really hate my body right now and I don’t want to grow facial hair until I get my top surgery done, which is going to take some doing. I feel stuck and I guess I am as I can’t move forward with my transition until I lose weight. I don’t think it is fair that I have to lose weight to lose the things on my chest. It makes me so depressed. I hate being in this body and what is worse is that I have grown hair on my chest so I have hairy breasts. Totally fucks with me. Part of me wonders if I will be alive long enough to have this surgery. Right now I feel like I will be better off dead than continue to live the way that I am living right now.

a little of this and that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A little of this and that

I have been bordering on the edge of crying all day today. My emotions have been all over the place. I haven’t cried yet but it is there. I am listening to Taylor’s new album, Folklore. It is beautifully crafted. I love all the songs. I can’t believe I haven’t written about this till now. I am a huge Taylor fan (if you been following me for a few years you know this). I didn’t like her album lover as much as I thought I would but this one, blows the socks out of the water. I am so in love with this album. There is no song that I have skipped nor want to. I don’t have a favorite song yet. There are three in the mix, maybe five. I am still learning the names of the songs. It takes me a long time to learn a new album’s names and there are a lot of songs on this album so it is going to take a while.

I had therapy yesterday. My therapist is concerned now that I am not on medication. She feels that eventually she will have to hospitalize me because she fears a deterioration in my mood. I hope this doesn’t happen. She is having a check in with me on Monday to see how I am. Mentally I am not doing well. I know this but I am worried that she is worried.

I had a shit day so far today, literally. I lost control of my bowels this morning. What a fucking mess. I had to shower afterwards. There was no getting around it. I had my mother look at my backside to see if I got everything. Then I had her give me a beach towel so I could shower. My sister was kind enough to yell at me for not emptying the garbage bag in the bathroom. I thought that was nice of her.

I haven’t been keeping up with fluids today and I feel it. I feel so out of sorts its not funny. I am just completely worn out. I went to get my haircut after therapy yesterday. I got a caramel cloud macchiato. It was so good. I miss going there regularly. They have the seating all blocked off. It is sad for the times.

I have been weepy the past three days but I haven’t cried. It is like it is building but I can’t get relief. I am so depressed. I wish I knew why but I don’t. I feel like I am just going to lose it one of these days. I am so tired of being depressed. I am off medication, which is why my therapist is concerned about me. I won’t go back on meds unless I am in worse shape. There really is nothing for me to take. I have been on everything. I might go back on Zoloft if I have to go back on meds. I don’t know what I will do if the voices come back. I don’t know if I want to go back on the Invega. I might switch to something else.

My surgeon’s secretary got back to me today. Surgery is scheduled for the 27th of Aug. Four weeks I will know if this is going to work for me. In the meantime I am still going to get headaches and shit when I do things. I am so tired I think I am going to lay down and hope I can sleep.

feeling sad about so many things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling sad about many things

I went to the BBQ my sister was having. My niece had a few friends over and the neighbors next store came over with their award winning macaroni and cheese. OMG this mac and cheese is so outstanding! I was talking with my neighbor about things and then my med alarm went off saying I had to take my 4pm med. I said I had to take a pill and I will be back but I went upstairs and couldn’t catch my breath. I was so winded. I became depressed because I hate that I am so deconditioned. I even went slow on the stairs but it didn’t matter. My heart rate went berserk. I had to rest. I had to charge my phone as well so it was just as well that I stay in my room.

I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I finally got past the first part where there was rap. I can’t stand rap. It didn’t seem to bother me so much today. I really like this musical. I am debating on signing up to Disney Plus so I can watch the movie. I am not a huge movie person so I seriously have to decide to sign up for it. Hulu was giving a package deal of $12.99 for that stream, ESPN+, and some other stream provider. I might sign up for it just to watch some sports. The soundtrack has come to the end and I am in awe! This was such a great musical to hear. I nearly cried when Hamilton’s son died. Then he dies close to where his son did. Such a great story.

I have felt so down about not having energy like I used to have. I feel so weak and I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like a slug. I can only move slowly and if I try to move at “normal” speed I get more fatigued than anything. I know I will regain my strength one day but it isn’t coming any time soon and that bothers me. I should be more compassionate towards myself but I find it hard to be that way. I just feel so useless. I can’t even shower without feeling the need to sit down several times to rest my back. It is driving me mad.

I don’t know if I will come out of this depression that I am in. Seems like it isn’t worth it. I keep coming back to this and it is getting so tiring. I am not sure what gets me into these funks but I am 100% certain they are the same thing just hitting me at different points in time. Sometimes I have physical symptoms and other times I will just have the mental anguish. I am having the mental anguish now. I don’t think life is worth living. I think I will be better off dead. I don’t see the point in living but I keep going just because I just can’t stop. I surrender to the thoughts but don’t act on them. I never act on them and my therapist wonders why I don’t. I wish I knew the answer. I might just be afraid of dying or failing to kill myself. It is one of these two and I am not sure which one it is.

a bad day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A bad day of pain

I had a bad day of pain today. Ankle has been in a flare the past four days. Nothing was calming it down so I thought putting on a compression sock might help. It caused my high ankle to be bothered by the elastic at the top of the sock. I had to take it off. I could only take so much pain. My back was bothering me from sitting too long after my appointment with my psychopharm. It was good talking with her. I really missed her. She is back from having surgery two weeks ago. She faired better than me in that regard. I don’t think I would be back to work so quick.

We talked about my therapist and she asked if I wanted another therapist. I said I will discuss it with my therapist when I see her next. I don’t want to say yes and then we are able to work things out. I don’t have luck with therapists. They usually last a year with me if I am lucky, two years. More than that is a bonus but not expected. I really like this therapist but I am having trouble talking with her because of my fear of her laughing at me. I often feel intimidated by her and close up. I don’t even shoot the shit with her anymore because she becomes so rigid. It is hard to talk with someone when they have these expectations that you should talk about stuff. I get that is what therapy is about but I am literally not talking at all in sessions. I talk a little bit in the beginning but then I close down and it is so damn hard to open up. I also think because I have yet to attach a song to our work, it is hard for me to feel connected to what I am doing in therapy. Music lyrics always helps connecting me to therapy for some reason. I had quite a few songs with my therapist of 16 years. I would make her CDs to play. I was invested in the time with her. But my current therapist, I don’t feel like she gives a shit if I stay or go and that is hard for me to handle because if she isn’t in there with me, then I feel like I don’t have to say anything. She is noticing that I am not talking more. I can’t help but feel like this relationship is heading out the door. I will be sad to see her go because I know she is a good therapist, maybe she is just too good for me.

I just wrote her a letter. I told her my frustrations and more of what I just talked about. I think better when I am writing things out and I got a lot out in the message. I hate that I can’t talk to her in person. I think that is part of the problem but I don’t think it is going to change. I wish there was a room I could go to to have the conversation rather than for me to stay in my room. I think that is the other thing. I am trapped in my room with no way out so of course it is hard for me to talk. But the other problem is I feel she isn’t receptive to what I am going to say or is going to laugh at me for speaking about something. I am going through a lot medically and I haven’t been able to voice it to anyone but my friend in Canada. She is the only person in the world that gets what I am saying about my bladder and bowels and what have you. She also cares a lot about me and that is the thing with this therapist. I feel like she doesn’t care, like she can do without me and maybe she wants to get rid of me. I don’t know but I had to ask it. I know part of it is my whole nervous system being shocked with surgery on top of a CSF leak that is making me feel so drained that mentally I just am not there. I drift off and stay that way. I get like that while I am in session with my therapist and it is so frustrating because I just cannot think of anything to say. Nothing comes to mind. NOTHING!! It is like someone wiped my brain of all thoughts. My psych thinks it more neurologically than psychological. I am still recovering from surgery even though it has been 3 months but I haven’t really done anything in that time. I haven’t gone to Starbucks or any place else other than the pharmacy and maybe a grocery store. I haven’t gone for walks or even used the T to get around much because I have been feeling like such crap. But resting hasn’t been helpful for me. I do rest when I need it as when I went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics I took a nap after. I had to I was so wiped out. I just conked right out.

I start PT tomorrow and I am kind of scared. I am scared it is going to hurt and cause me real exhaustion. In my current state, I don’t think a rigid regimen will work for me because I am just too weak. I am not strong enough for something rigorous. It is going to be a slow going and I have a good physical therapist that I like working with. She makes the difference in wanting me to get better. I haven’t seen her since last year when I was working on my right ankle to build it up. I am sure I am weak in my legs for lack of movement. I hope that I can build some strength up so that showering isn’t so damn tough. If I can shower without sitting down more than twice, I will consider that an improvement. I also want to be able to go upstairs without being so damn short of breath and my heart rate going bananas.