Tag: mood disorders

2019May08

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

2019May08

I have been in a bad suicidal mood since last night. I honestly have no idea how I survived it. I asked my psych if I could call her today and she obliged. I wanted to tell her how things really were but I couldn’t bring myself to. I just sent her an email. I hope that she doesn’t call me. I don’t want to verbalize this because it will seem more real than it is right now.

I am listening to Peter Pan by Kelsea Ballerini. I figure I will take advantage of listening to music before I get sensory overload. I am in a lot of pain all because I took a shower. I woke up in pain and taking a shower just exasperated it. I am getting sleepy from meds so will write more tomorrow.

2019May06 Monday Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May06 Monday Blues

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep around 0330 and then woke up either every hour or every two. I finally gave up around noon, which by then I had pissed off two people. So ya, my day is going great and I feel frustrated and sad on top of my suicidal self. Now I just got two emails from my doctor’s office saying they approved and denied my medication request for renewal. I called the office and the new coordinator said she will have him get back to me.

Before I went to bed at 330, I emailed my psych saying that although I appreciate the close contact I have with her concerning my suicidality, I am okay and I don’t want to call her. She writes back that I “run the show!” Now sure what that is supposed to me. I don’t know if she is upset with me or not. I told her I will see her Friday and that I will call if something urgent comes up. I feel like an asshole and I don’t know why. I really am not okay and maybe she knows that but is going with it because I said so. I don’t know. I am still having suicidal thoughts that are overwhelming and the feelings that go with it are getting to be too much for me to handle. I am still contained, as the hospital would say.

I wanted to go out today but because I didn’t have a good sleep, I decided not to. I made coffee at home as I needed it. I just had one cup. My face is still feeling smooth so I didn’t shave. I just washed my face and brushed my teeth. I forgot to do it yesterday. Sometimes I can remember and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. It is hard doing ADLs some days.

It’s a nice day. While I was in the kitchen, I opened the back door to let some air in the house. I want to open my bedroom window but it will take some doing as I probably will cause an avalanche. I have no idea how I accumulated shit there. It was cleared off when my brother in law took out the window sometime in October. I am going to try and clean out my hamper that is just a holding bin right now. I got a set of fleece sheets in there. I think I will wash them so I can put them on my bed when I clear off my bed to change them. I can’t go overboard today because I have PT tomorrow. If I do too much today, I am going to have a flare Wednesday and that won’t be good. I really don’t want to have another suicidal flare. I think it will send me off the edge.

I got such a heavy heart today and I don’t know why. It has been this way past four days now. It is a mix of anguish and despair. I feel hopeless that things will get better. I feel like I am going to feel this way forever. Part of me knows this isn’t true but it has been going on for months now and seems to just be getting worse. I am seriously thinking of going back on an antidepressant but every time I think about it, I think of the side effects and I just don’t want to deal. The one my psych wants to put me on has nausea as the most prominent side effect. Nearly everyone I know that has been on it has gotten sick the first week of starting it. I am not sure I can last a week of feeling nauseous all the time. I do have Zofran to help with it, if need be but I don’t want to be taking a med to counteract the other med. I did that with the other antipsychotic I was on. I don’t want to do it again. It is a trial and error. It could not have any effect on me.

Since getting up, I have been thinking of going in the hospital. I have been ambivalent about going in. I am weighing the pros and cons, which right now, it is mostly cons, starting with at least a 12 hour stay in the emergency room waiting for a bed. I most like will have to change into their clothes, which is like scrubs. The hard part is trying to leave the house without someone noticing I am leaving with my backpack and duffle bag. Probably the only way is to leave the house really early in the morning before my sisters leave for work. I just have to remember to grab my journal in my every day backpack. I feel like I should bring my power cords just in case I don’t go to the hospital I prefer.

Doesn’t look like I will be doing anything today as I need to take a nap. Maybe later in the evening I will when I can’t sleep. God I feel so horrible. Maybe some sleep will make me feel better.

2019May02

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May02

I had a good talk with my psych last night that I am still thinking about today. Unfortunately, the better mood didn’t last as today I am feeling really blah and down. I am trying to hold on to the feelings and words from last night but it is so hard, like trying to hold water in my hands. I had ordered food. I thought if I bought something I would be able to finish it even though I wasn’t hungry but I only ate about a little more than half before I couldn’t eat anymore. I couldn’t even finish the onion rings. I just feel so down. Makes me wonder if going on an antidepressant would be a good thing for at least a few weeks rather than continuing to hope this is going to pass.

I was able to clear off some of my desk stuff. I just put it in a box to go through at some point but at least my desk is clear. I just need to really dust it off. And get rid of some of the other stuff that isn’t paper related. I kicked a bunch of dust in the air, which my lungs loved. I did one thing to clear my room and now I just need to take out the trash and recycle. Kind of stinks because today was trash and recycle day. Oh well. Least the stuff will be in an empty bin.

I wasn’t on my feet too long but long enough that my foot and ankle are hurting me. It is mild right now and hope it doesn’t get worse. I am thinking of having my doc actually write up a doctor’s note just to see what she would say. She was so adamant about getting my family off my back, even having them call her if they don’t believe me that I need to be off my feet or whatever. I am not saying that to make it seem like I need an excuse not to do stuff around my room. I have been doing stuff but not at the pace my sisters want it to be done. My middle sister thinks that because I am home all day means I need to just clear and clean the whole time, not even going out of the house for coffee as if I can do that than I can do this then. I am so frustrated and being upset just contributes to my pain. It has been such a nasty cycle of pain and bad mood feeding off each other. I was having flares nearly day or just went on for days. The suicidality piece has been on mind for a long time. My psych told me not do it over this. I could hear her trying to plead with me (for lack of a better word) not to do it.

I have mixed feeling about this because I have been planning my death since January. This was well before I knew my sister was going to be moving in with us. I just had enough of the pain and low mood that I felt the end of March was to be when it would fall through. But the day I planned rained and nearly every week after that has rained or my psych intervened some how to prevent me from going through it. April was a tough month. I know the increase in my extended release med has been helping me because my pain isn’t as severe as it was. I am back down to a low 3, which I wasn’t on since starting this new med more than a year ago. I haven’t been too active since starting it only because I had flared up my leg so much compensating for pain I needed to rest it. I thought I was okay but yesterday I went out and flared it up again. I didn’t even walk more than a block. I hate that this syndrome of pain has crippled me so much. I have only left my house to go to appointments. There was only one fun day and that was when I went to a ball game the second week in April. I barely leave my house anymore for anything, not even to sit and write at Starbucks. I have decreased my funds at Starbucks because I have not gone in so long.

I understand why my psych doesn’t want me to die by my own hand. I have grown on her for a while now and even though I forget the few times she has shown her feelings for me, I know they are there. I don’t know if she can comprehend just how much I want to die, though. I know it sounds stupid, even though she does understand why I want to end things right now and I can go ahead with it any time I choose. I just haven’t. Maybe she is banking on my ambivalence. I don’t know. All week I have felt like a burden to her and a waste of her time. But last night, I felt like I wasn’t.

Since becoming disabled, I have been involved in the suicide prevention community on Twitter. A good friend of mine worked with a researching in bereavement of suicide people. That person did a large research project and found that for every suicide at least 135 people are affected. Often, those who think of suicide don’t think their lives have any meaning to anyone. I feel guilty knowing that there will be at least, if not more, than 135 people who will feel the loss of my life. I often block out my family when I am most suicidal but often think about how my nieces and nephew will be after I am gone. Sometimes it is enough to keep me here. Other times, I just can’t think about it because my suicidality is too great. I hate feeling guilty. I feel like being told this is just a huge guilt trip and that you are being forced to live a life you don’t want to live because of other people. Is that how you should live? Is somehow my suffering not enough to die but the others are? People need to stop ending their lives because of the pain of others. It is just exactly like saying your pain doesn’t count. It makes me mad that these statistics are there. But to me, I feel that everyone is just that. A statistic. That all anyone is, whether you have brown hair, red hair, blue eyes, brown eyes, etc. That is why I plan. I plan and when the day comes I decide if I am going to be around or not. Yes, I could do it tomorrow, and I may. No one is telling me I have to be here. My psych wants me to be around and I am sure there are others, too. I just don’t want to be and know one day soon, I won’t.

Sunday Blog 28 April 2019

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday blog 28 April 2019

I had slept most of the day and woke up not knowing the day of the week it was. I have been having an awful last few days. Yesterday I spent the day in bed because I didn’t go to sleep till 4 am. I got into a fight with my sisters around 1330, which flared up my pain and sunk my mood so low I didn’t think I was going to survive. Today I am in the same awful mood. I had met with my psych Friday and she said I needed to be in the hospital but I told her I didn’t want to be. She stressed the word “need” again. I gave an explanation that I was not sure I could trust my family with my things while I was inpatient, I didn’t think it would help matters, and would only annoy me all the more. I remember my last hospitalization caused me more pain than it helped alleviate. Hell, the night before I got discharged, I was in a wheelchair as my ankle went out me. I had so many flares because even though there were no stairs, things weren’t exactly close. It was a walk to get from my room to the kitchen or group room. Walking several times a day hurt me and my pain flared up at night. I won’t want to go through that again, especially when I don’t have my meds by the bedside. I will be at basically the mercy of the nurse to dispense what she/he could. I also doubt with the new laws in place, I can get my pain medication like I can. I don’t even know if psych hospitals can prescribe pain meds anymore. I really don’t want to be admitted to find this out then be screwed for three days until I can be discharged.

Plus with my mother constantly being in the living room now, it woud be extremely hard for me to leave without her knowing. I mean if I bring down a big backpack it will raise some eyebrows. So I won’t be going in. I swore the last time I was discharged the only way I would be admitted would be if I failed at an attempt. I am close to attempting any day now but I only stop because I put time between me and the attempt. I am hanging off a thread right now and I don’t know when that thread is going to break. I got into another row with my mother. I had wanted to go through some stuff in my room but after that argument, my ankle pain returned. Seems like whenever I get frustrated and angry, my pain increases lately. Stress can cause a flare when you have CRPS and I have been stressed to the maxed.

I am seeing the social worker tomorrow. She is just a social support right now until I see a therapist, whenever that may be. I have so many worries right now. My friends have been great listening to me but I worry I will be too much for them. I am worrying the crap out of my psych. It was one of the first few things she said when I saw her on Friday, not like I haven’t given her anything to worry about. I sent her a message last night that I wasn’t going to email her anymore yet I wanted to today for some reason. I held off. I think I am just going to write on paper what I want to send her and then it will be out of my system. I don’t remember half of what I tell her and often have to read the sent message as I am not sure I sent her something and what it entailed. I know when it is bad when she calls me when she gets it. I paged her the other night around 9pm because my mood was horrible due to pain being really bad. I just have not been in good space since the end of March. Honestly have no idea why or how I am still alive as my suicidality has been up and down like the weather. I seriously thought last night I would end it. Only thing keeping me from doing it was being in my room. I know that sounds dumb but as much as I have animosity toward my family right now, I don’t want them finding me dead. My middle sister really needs to stop going off about me in front of my mother. I don’t understand why she just doesn’t say what she wants to in front of my fucking face. It’s not like I can’t hear her. She is screaming so I can hear her. Just because my door is closed doesn’t mean sound doesn’t go through. I am so sick of walking on eggshells in my house. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And the stress of it is causing me so much pain. I think the new dose of the pain meds is helping now that I remembered to switch out the lower dose for the higher dose. I woke up one morning and was wondering why there was a blue pill in my box rather than the red one. I am such an idiot. Today was probably the first time in forever I woke up without serious pain. I am in pain now but I think it is only because of the earlier argument with my mother. Hope eventually I will stay at a 2 or 3. I know the pain meds won’t 100% take my pain away but at least it will be tolerable.

I am going to pack a bag just in case I need to go in the hospital. I am not sure where I will keep it. I don’t want to lock it in my room where my sisters can’t bring it to me if I don’t go in on my own. I got to be more vigilant about locking the door when I leave so no one does go in my room. It is my only haven right now. If I do decide to go into the hospital, it will have to be after Wed when my next shot is scheduled. I don’t want to risk missing a dose due to stupidity on the floor. It might take more than a day for all my meds to be worked out (hoping my pain meds won’t be one of them). I just hope one of my pillows can be packed in the bag. Hospital pillows suck.