Tag: nerve injury

Disability Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disability sucks

I somehow slept all morning. I didn’t wake up till around 10 or so. I wasn’t hurting too bad when I went to the bathroom. I had to use my sister’s because my mother was using ours and I had to pee really bad. My back was aching because it was 52 degrees. But I knew I had to keep moving or it would just stiffen up. I decided to head to the square to get a haircut. My mother wanted me to pick up some eggs. I caught the next bus.

My regular barber wasn’t in yet so I had his associate cut my hair. He did a really good job. I love it. I then I went to Starbucks for something to eat and a mocha. I wanted a snickers latte today. I got it hot rather than iced. I took out my journal after I ate but I didn’t write. I wanted to go home so I went to the grocery store for the eggs. I also decided to get a rotisserie chicken for dinner so my mother wouldn’t have to cook. I forgot to get stuffing so stopped in Walgreens to grab some and get my prescriptions that were finally ready.

I got home and put things away. My ankle was hurting but I couldn’t take my regular pain meds as it was too early. I took a strong pain med instead. I rested before I went back to the kitchen to peel potatoes as I wanted mashed potatoes with dinner. I really like making mashed potatoes. Around 1500, I went downstairs and wasn’t in too much pain. That all changed as I went to throw something in the bag for recycle when my ankle acted up. I could no longer bear weight on my foot. Fuck. I decided to wear the boot that I had to immobilize my ankle. It took me a while to put it on as it has been a while since I last used it. I was barefoot as I was wearing slippers. It was okay at first and then the padding was irritating the top of my foot. I was able to continue cooking. I made the mashed potatoes and stuffing. My mother had come into the kitchen so I asked her if she wanted to eat now. She said okay as everything was done.

I couldn’t believe the difference in walking around in the boot! I wasn’t hurting as much. My PT emailed me back a long message. She said it was okay to wear the boot but not to bed. She didn’t want me to wear anything while I slept. That kind of stinks because when I try to sleep, I have more pain. She gave me imagery stuff to do when I am in so much pain. She said that if the pain increased or got worse to see my doc.

I really miss cooking. I want to make a marinara sauce and a cake this weekend. Maybe now with the boot, I will be able to. I want to take a shower to get the excess hair off my head. I am really tired though. I don’t know if I have enough energy for it. Maybe after I take my night meds. Taking my night meds always seems to wake me up. I just hope it doesn’t make me bloated like it did last night. I swear sometimes it like I take another meal my stomach feels so full afterwards.

Release

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Release
Song by Pearl Jam:
I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
Windowsill
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I’ll hold the pain
Release me

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll wait up in the dark
For you to speak to me
I’ll open up
Release me
Release me
Release me
Release me

I love this song and I am glad it came on my Pandora playlist I created called, Pearl Jam. I am in a shitty mood. I have been thinking about a story that has been brewing in my head the last few months but have yet to put it into words or write it out. I just haven’t had the motivation.

Tonight, I am in a lot of pain. I had taken my foot out of the covers because I had burning pain. After a few minutes, it calmed down. After a few more minutes, I got the worst pain down my foot. I put it back under the covers and it didn’t calm down. I still feel this pain. Most of my pain tonight is in my foot. The ankle seems to have settled down some.

I’m feeling very despondent, like nothing matters. I want to go to sleep but I got a lot on my mind because I want the pain in my foot to stop but it shows no sign of stopping. And even though it has been hours since I ate, I feel bloated. Seems like my meds make me feel this way. I swear it is like eating another meal when I take so many meds at night.

I was thinking of writing a blog called “should I die” or “if I would die” but I lost my train of thought and never wrote it. This is the third night in a row that my suicidality is high around the same time of night. I don’t know why this is. Psychache is also high and when mixed with physical pain, it is a bad combination. All my thoughts are about death and dying.

I told the social security person while I was filling out the paperwork for name change that I was trans as it asked what sex I was. Apparently, without a doctor’s note, I had to put what I biologically am. I am saddened by this. Just another kick me while I’m down. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly male. Right now I’m in so much pain I really don’t think it matters. I don’t matter. Nothing matters. Heart hurts and there is no pill for that kind of pain.

running around continued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Running around continued

I got the zipcar this morning and went to the Social Security office. I should have looked up the address before leaving but I didn’t. I drove right by it, twice. I waited about an hour to be called. There was some traffic on the way home. My mother wanted me to stop and get her some stuff at the grocery store. She wanted deli meat and bread. I also wanted to see if I could find a 9×9 or 10×10 pan. No luck. So I went to Stop and Shop as I still had some time to kill before returning the car. They didn’t have it either so I settled on an 8×8. I then returned the car. As I was walking home, my ankle was hurting. I had to stop at Walgreens to pick up my scripts and of course there was a line. The regular pharm tech wasn’t there. My ankle wasn’t happy to stand. By the time I got home, I was hurting really bad. I am still hurting.

I had overnight oats for breakfast. It was okay. There was only one kind and it had coconut in it. I love coconut shavings but not really the flavor. While I was at the grocery store, I bought lunch, some buffalo chicken wings. I should have bought two packages. Oh well. It was really good and not too hot. I am hungry now but going down the stairs is going to hurt. I emailed my PT to see if maybe wearing a boot will help as any movement really hurts, weight bearing or not. I got to keep my ankle/foot immobilized in order to stay pain free. I only hesitate to wear it because it knocks my hip out of whack, which then hurts my back.

I got into a low mood last night and emailed my psych that I was done. I was giving up. Monday would be our last appt. It might change but it might not. I don’t know. I hate being ambivalent but it’s the nature of the beast. My mood kind of sucks right now. I am in a lot of pain. Meds have taken away some of it but it’s still always there. I know I will never have zero pain, even with the meds. But I want them to take more than just the edge off sometimes. If they can bring my pain to my baseline, that would be great. It really sucks that I had to decrease my Zoloft due to side effects. I feel it helped me cope with things better.

Big goings on with the Red Sox today. A lot of their coaches have been hired by other teams since the firing of John Farrell. They have name a new manager, Alex Cora, who used to play with the Sox. I like him and think he will be good for the team. Just stinks he has to hire new coaches now as well as to get to know the players. I really would love to see Jason Varitek as their pitching coach. I love Varitek when he played our catcher. He is so very handsome and a good player that was classy and knew the game well. I miss seeing him every day. I follow his wife on twitter as he doesn’t have any social media accounts. The Skanks fired their manager today. I am not surprised as he really wasn’t producing for them. They made it to the playoffs but didn’t win any pennants. Not that I feel bad or anything. I didn’t like him, but only because he played for our rival team. I honestly don’t know anything about him like I do their other manager, Joe Torre. I respect Joe. He is one of a kind.

in a rotten hopeless mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a rotten and hopeless mood

I had a difficult night sleeping. Every time I moved my ankle, it hurt. If I moved my foot, it hurt. And it wasn’t a “normal” pain that I feel, it was excruciating so much so that I was moaning and punching my pillow. This happened several times as I tried to sleep. I finally went to bed around 4 am or so. I woke up about 4 hours later. I called my PT and told the secretary that I wasn’t coming in due to pain and no sleep. I took some pain meds and my morning BP meds. Then emailed my PT to let her know I wasn’t blowing her off. There was supposed to be heavy rain today but it never showed. It’s really humid, which I don’t like.

I went back to sleep until around 1300 or so. My pain was down so I chanced a shower. I also shaved until my trimmer ran out of juice. Then I had to manually shave with a razor. I was sweating after I dried off. Hate humidity. I had something to eat, last night’s leftovers. I then went back to my room to cool off as I had the AC on. I was tired from the shower so tried to nap. Soon as I laid down, my stupid ankle went berserk. I was in so much pain, I started crying. My mother called at that moment and I just broke down on the phone. I was in the middle of an email to my psych as I was feeling really hopeless and suicidal at this point. Like what is the point of going on if I am just going to be in pain every single day without adequate relief? I texted my therapist and he responded with that I must be feeling frustrated and lonely. Whatever! Stupid jerk. Monday he was a caring and understanding therapist and today he is a jerk. I am so done. I really wanted to put my plan back on the table. Thing is, I might be too fat to do the deed.

My check came in while I was still up in the middle of the night. I paid a few bills. Now I got to wait till Friday for the rest of the checks to clear. I can’t touch my account until then. If I have at least $60, I am going to try and go to the RMV Friday to update and renew my license. I just hope it isn’t too early to do so and then I have to go back closer to the expiration date.