Tag: nerve injury

Really annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been trying to sleep the past 2 hours but every time I lie down, my ankle and/or foot acts up. So I take something and that particular pain goes away only to be replaced by another pain in a different area of my foot or ankle. It is driving me nuts. Right now I have a brace on my foot. I had some medical tape on. That helped some of the pain until I moved my foot upward. Every time I move it, I’m in excruciating pain. It makes me want to die right then and there. I pound my pillow and I moan. No one can hear me. My mother is sleeping and deaf.

I posted a pic on Instagram with the brace on. I posted suicidal. I hope the cops don’t show up at my door tomorrow. I don’t know why I did that. I’m going to take it down. I don’t want trouble. Fuck. I am pointing my ankle downwards and I’m hurting. WTF. I’ve had enough of this bullshit.

I’m canceling my PT appt for today. The weather calls for flooding rain. I don’t want to go out just to get soaked waiting for the bus. I’ll email my PT after I cancel to let her know why so she doesn’t think I’m blowing her off. If I had a car, it would be different. Traveling by public transportation sucks sometimes.

I think the Zoloft is causing me to be nauseous. I had lowered by dose last week and was doing fine until tonight. I had to take a zofran to get rid of the feeling. I really dont want to puke. I’ve been on Zoloft for a year and a half or so. I’m not surprised it is making me sick. That was why I had to come off it. Most SSRIs cause nausea with me. When I see my doc next week, I’m going to ask her to possibly switch to something else, maybe venflexitine (Effexor). It has been the only drug I haven’t been on. I might have to have a break between meds or it could cause serotonin syndrome, which is not fun.

I took neurontin tonight to help with the burning. I hate when the physical pain is gone and it is replaced by nerve pain. I was reading an article about how there are few meds that help with nerve pain. What pissed me off was that it didn’t say what meds worked. Left you feeling like what is the purpose of the damn article. Hate that.

I had to put lidocaine on my big toe because it was acting up. I don’t know why some nights the top of it really hurts like it is being torn apart.

I hate when I am so very tired yet I can’t fricken sleep because of pain. I’ve taken all that I can. Just wish it would let up a little so I could sleep. I can imagine what my sleep study is going to be like. Always takes me forever to settle down to sleep. I even took an extra Ativan and I’m still up. Pain just doesn’t care what I take. Pisses me off. Think I’m going to brush my teeth. I need to go to the bathroom anyway. Stupid bladder! Walking downstairs is going to be fun. I need an immobilizer for my ankle so it doesn’t move. Maybe that will help. I just need it at night because that is when the pain is worse.

lot of “running” around today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lot of “running” around today

I had a bad night of sleeping. I didn’t fall asleep until after 0330. My check came in at 3, so I paid some bills and ordered a new laptop screen and groceries. It has been a long time since I ordered from Ebay so the password thing was ridiculous. I was doing it all from my phone and it was hard. I miss my laptop so much. I hope I ordered the right screen and I can install it without a problem. It will be delivered Monday.

I slept but it wasn’t a good sleep as I woke up several times. I kept on turning on my back, which caused my back to hurt, waking me up. I woke up around 11 and didn’t want to get up but had to make some calls to begin the process of changing my name on things. Benefits called me saying to call them back. I did and they said I had to call another HR person to change my name, even though it was changed in the system. I called the HR person and they didn’t know what to do with me so they told me to call my generalist HR person. I left her a message and she called me back, though she didn’t know what to do. I had to fax her the certification of my name change. This was after I had already faxed my credit cards their stuff. One credit card I have to mail in the documents they need, which is my license with the new name. I hope to do this Friday but it depends if I have the money to do it as I need to renew my license as well. It might be too early. I am not sure. I need to go to the RMV office as I can’t update online, probably because I need a new picture.

After the faxing, I went to my bank to change my name. It was a learning experience for the two women. I gave a shout out to them on twitter. I was able to get a new debit card at the branch, which was cool. I was worried because I will need my card to pay my bills tomorrow when my bigger check comes in. My ankle started hurting big time when I came home. I hope I am not up till 3 again. I am really tired. I did over 3,000 steps today, according to the health app on my phone. The yesterday I did over 6,000, which is a record for me.

My bro in law had a plumber work on the heating system today. I was glad I was out of the house as he had me turn it up to 90. It was hot and humid today so being outside was better than being in with the heat being turned on. It was still sweltering when I came home. I have the AC on to cool things off. I really don’t want to go to PT tomorrow. I might cancel, if I wake up early enough. Depends on how I feel. My ankle has been going all month more than any other month. My stamina is not what it used to be, either. I am really tired but because of pain, I can’t sleep. Last night, I really wanted to put a cast on my foot/ankle because any movement caused me severe pain. At one point, it hurt so bad after I moved it I just wanted to die right then and there. I was punching my pillow and screaming it hurt so much. I learned that I couldn’t kick off the comforter with my bad foot. I was hot and just wanted the sheet on me. Bad move! I don’t know what I was thinking. If I do go to PT tomorrow, I am going to ask her if I can put my ankle in the boot I have. Maybe that will help. I don’t know. The braces that I have are not helping to keep it from moving. I know that might not be a good thing but it hurts to move it the way it should. And it drives up my suicidality when I am in severe pain like that.

rollercoaster of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rollercoaster of a day

I woke up after 8. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I got up and used the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went back up to my room. I wanted to be at the courthouse around 11 or so. I left around 0930 to the Square to get breakfast and my espresso. The bus was early as they had earlier delays. I wasn’t complaining. I got to Starbucks and their oven was broke so I couldn’t get a hot breakfast sandwich. The girl knew me so gave me two comp cards. I thought that was nice of her. I drank my espresso and wrote in my journal. I left around quarter of 11 to catch the bus to the courthouse. I wasn’t in too much pain and I hope it stayed that way. I wore a short sleeved shirt and it was cold. I was hoping it was going to warm up but it never did. I went to the courthouse okay and was in and out. I got my paperwork. It is now legal. I am G Collerone. I was on cloud nine but I did but didn’t feel good about it. I took a pic of the doc and sent it to everyone. Without me realizing it, my phone made a copy of each text I sent. I have like 10-15 copies of the 1 pic I sent out. I’ll delete them when I am bored.

I had to come home and get a sweatshirt. While waiting for the bus at the train station, a homeless man approached me wanting me to play him a song on my phone. As I was pulling up the song, my bus came and said sorry, got to go. I went to the back of the bus. He came on the bus and stunk it up with his booze smell. He also was drinking. Lovely. Luckily, he got off before I did. I came home and my mother was home from her doctor’s appt. I showed her the document and she gave me a disgusted look. Then said she was still going to call me my birth name. I argued with her but it did no good. Talk about a buzzkill. I tried to not let it bother me but it’s so hard. I talked to a few friends and the feelings passed. I then called my insurance to let them know of my name change but they said I should call my employer or it might go back to my birth name. I called my benefits place and I needed to fax the document over to the HR in charge of my case. I left the house for the bus that never came. I was so pissed. I had to take the next route, which didn’t go to the Square directly. I had to catch another bus to get there. I had wanted to go to my bank to see what documents they needed to change my name but I didn’t have time. I’ll do that tomorrow. I was able to fax to my former workplace where I still receive benefits. I am glad this happened before open enrollment, which is next month. Tomorrow I will call my bank to see what they need and my prescription insurance to change my name. So many things to do.

After the fax was sent, I went to my therapist’s office. I had emailed him a safety plan and that I was planning on ending my life soon, which was why next week would have been our last session. I went in and saw that he printed out the form. I was shocked. We talked about things and he gave his impressions of what goes on with me when I become suicidal. It was fairly accurate. We filled out the form. So now I have a safety plan to go to when I get the suicidal urges. I feel better that he did this with me because I was really feeling like he wasn’t going to and that I was again alone with my suicidality. I have put the date off, for now, because I am looking forward to transitioning as a male. I think I can do this.

hot day in Oct

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hot day for Oct

I had a rough time trying to go to sleep as any movement of my ankle/foot caused pain. I eventually did fall asleep and then woke up after 8. I took my pain and BP meds. My bowels were awful. I kept having to go so I took some Imodium after the second trip. Then I fell back to sleep until my loud mouth aunts came to see my mother. Apparently, my cousins were throwing one of my cousins who was pregnant a brunch. No one told me this. I got up after the loud mouths left and had some sliders.

My sister made my mother a plate so she had that for lunch. I’m still full so haven’t made supper. It was nice out so my brother in law decided to work on our heat system. My room is like 90 degrees with the AC cranking on full blast. It’s so hot in my room. I think he is trying to get all the air out of the system or something. I don’t know. He was telling my mother towards the end of last winter that a plumber needed to fix the system so why he is doing this, I have no fricken clue. I hate the heat. I am not in a good mood right now.

The Red Sox have named a former player as their manager. They fired their manager, John Farrell, after they didn’t advance in the playoffs. I hope the 2018 season is better but only time will tell. I really liked John and will miss him.

I emailed my psych really late last night to tell her I had a date. I didn’t tell her what it was, I never do as it can change like the weather. I have therapy tomorrow. I had told him that the 30th would be our last session. I didn’t tell him why and he didn’t ask. I’m sure we will talk about it tomorrow.

I wanted to take down my recycle today but keep forgetting about it. Think I’ll just put it in a trash bag and when that is full it will be easier to bring down. I can just throw it down the stairs without having to carry it.

Because it’s been so hot in my room, I’ve been chugging water. Hope this doesn’t lead to being up all night going to the bathroom. I have been having a low pain day so far but I really haven’t done much. I mostly been sleeping other than going down to the bridal shower for some snacks. I was glad they didn’t have anymore donuts. Those are my nemesis right now. I had bought a pumpkin donut from the local donut shop. I left it in the paper bag for about 2 days and the grease was awful. It soaked up the bag and I was like eewww. Not buying them again.