Tag: psychache

From 11/22/2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

From 11/22/2015

Around this time, I was having trouble with my therapist. We were fighting over my suicidality. This is just one piece of the pie. Today 13/Feb/19, things haven’t changed. I still feel suicidal. I still want to write that note. I still want to drink that shot. I am seeking oblivion from feeling so empty and hurt. February since 2001 has been filled with anniversaries. The last one of ending both therapists, one temporarily. The other permanently. My heart is broken. I feel unloved. I feel uncared for. I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to. I miss going to Starbucks and writing, even if it was in my journal only.
I just have physical therapy now. My schedule is an open book. Sure I see my psychiatrist every two weeks and will be seeing a new PCP. My life is surrounded my doctor appts.
My heart is aching so bad right now. I don’t think it will ever heal. I think dying is better.

Written 22/Nov/15

Regarding my suicidal career
I have been feeling like I should write a suicide note. I don’t know why this popped into my head tonight. I have been really struggling with suicide the past few days. I have a suicidogenic mother. She just brings it out in me. Tonight she called me “dear”. Last night she was calling me a lazy ass and tonight I am a dear? I know she was being sarcastic. She didn’t mean it. Neither parent ever means what they say so how am I supposed to believe them?
I sometimes don’t trust what my sister says either. I am not an emotional person. I just feel cut off from my feelings sometimes. Other times I am just so depressed I can’t do anything. I feel suicidal and that is all that I will feel. I don’t feel angry, I feel hurt most of the time.
I have been avoiding Twitter tonight because I am TiVo’g the American Music Awards and I don’t want to hear about it until I watch it. It’s so hard not being on Twitter. I would so love to tweet some more lyrics of Eric Church.
I am struggling with my suicidality. It would be so easy to die right now. And no one would know until the morning. But I don’t know how to kill myself. That is the whole fucking problem. I don’t have a gun or a high place. I don’t even have a beam to hang myself from. And you can’t die by wishing it. I tried that many a times and I am still here. I feel embarrassed that I told my cousins that I was poor. I don’t know why I told them that. It just came up and I blurted it out without thinking. Now they think whatever they think of me. They probably think I am a loser. That is bothering me, too. I feel like such a jerk. I really want to drink my problems away but I know that won’t help. Plus I just took my pain medication so that wouldn’t be a great idea. My therapist would have a cow if I drank and had my pain meds. She nearly had a coronary the last time I drank and took the meds. All it was, was two pain pills and a shot or two of gin. I didn’t even get drunk. I just slept really good. I don’t think I took my night meds. Tonight I took my night meds so no drinking. I hate that I am so strict with myself about alcohol. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would love some honey whiskey. I have decided that for my birthday I am having 4 shots of whiskey, one for each decade I am alive, that is if I am still around. Tomorrow will mark one month till D-Day. I am so disgusted with myself for living this long. I never wanted to be an adult. I just really hate myself.
My cousin called me tonight. Left me a message saying where am I, how am I doing, the usual bullshit I hear from him when he doesn’t call me every night. He wants me to call him in the morning. HA, I had to laugh. He won’t be up. He is the one that is healthy but has bipolar disorder. He also is the one that calls me when my mother has groceries. I don’t like talking with him because he never understands the depth of my depressions. He doesn’t get suicidal with his depressions. He just barely functions (according to him) but he does the shopping with my mother and my aunt. He takes care of himself pretty good. Better than I do. I barely left the bed today. Only time I left my room today was to make something to eat or to have dinner with my mother. I didn’t even pee that much today because I haven’t been drinking any fluids. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is always orange. I have no thirst. I am past that. Sometimes I will get thirsty but it’s rare. I bought some orangata by San Pellangrino. I like it. Maybe it will help my dehydration. My grocery bill is over $200. I bought a lot of oatmeal and pancake stuff. I like getting the big stuff because I make a lot of oatmeal pancakes. I also like the simply orange juice and juice isn’t cheap anymore. My mother won’t buy it because it’s more than $3. I also bought a 9×13 pan that was on sale. But those pans are hard to find so I hope it doesn’t crack. It’s a pyrex dish with a cover. I bought it to make my brownies for my birthday. I figure I might as well have what I want for my birthday and this year I want a brownie cake with cool whip and cherries on top. All my mother has to do is mix it and put it in the pan. She also needs to buy the cool whip. I don’t know how long it stays so I figure when it gets closer to my day, she can get it. This is if I make it to my birthday

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

I woke up around 1300. I thought I took my morning meds when the alarm went off but I didn’t. I took them when I got up. I wasn’t hungover like I thought I would be as I woke up a few times during the night. I decided to do my hair and then shower. Well, it is all uneven in places. I am going to try and have my cousin fix it. Which means I need to call him and talk to him about bullshit things he talks about. Then be in his smoky apartment because he is a chain smoker. But I don’t have the money to see my barber until next week. Hopefully it will grow as I won’t touch it except for the sides and back where I have been shaving.

After I did that, I made something to eat and turned on the Pats game. They were leading already and had scored while I was showering (I had checked the score before going downstairs). I made the steaks, which were not that tender. I didn’t realize the A1 sauce I had was expired 10 years ago so it was not good. I had two cups of coffee and after I had my steaks, a piece of chocolate cake. The frosting was very thick so I just mostly had the cake with a little bit of frosting. It was so good.

I tried to figure out the bus schedule for tomorrow but I couldn’t retrieve the morning schedule on my phone. I only got the afternoon and only like 3 times in the afternoon. I had no idea what I was doing wrong and I couldn’t get the starting point from the station, which annoyed me. I just printed it out when I got to my room. I got to be up around 0830, well, least set the alarm for that time to wake me up and maybe have breakfast. I will be going another way so I hope to make breakfast of some kind. I hate morning appointments. I like afternoon as I don’t have to rush so much.

When I came back to my room, I did my meds for the week. Because the new pill is in blister packs, it was a bitch getting them out of the package. I don’t understand why my doc just didn’t write for x amount of pills and go from there. Such a pain. I guess it would be helpful if it was the right starter pack but it is the wrong one so what difference does it make?

I am hoping to go to the grocery store tomorrow to buy more iced coffee. I have maybe half a bottle left. I also need more half and half. Might see if I can find that steak that I bought that was so damn good. If not, maybe get some popcorn shrimp or a pot pie. Depends on my mood. Right now my foot is feeling like it is being split in half so it is anyone’s guess if I sleep tonight. I moved the body pillow so that I am not sleeping on my damn shoulder. My head is causing it considerable amount of pain.

I see my PCP tomorrow. I hope he can figure out what needs to be done with my right foot. I hate that my foot rolls while walking in the sneaker, causing my ankle to hurt where I had sprained it. I don’t want to go back to PT if I don’t have to. I just need something supportive and doesn’t aggravate my heel pain. I see my orthotic person Thursday so I hope he can come up with something. If not, I will end up getting something at Walgreens or CVS, whichever is cheaper.

Saturday Blog 12 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12 Jan 19

I wasn’t going to write one so if this is long or short, I tried. I had a day of sleeping. Think the nights where I didn’t sleep caught up with me. My mother called me around 5 for dinner. Kind of late as she usually has dinner around 4. She watched a movie with my nephew.

I am still dealing with basically the loss of my mother even though she is still alive. I guess the loss of her ever accepting me as me. I try not to have conversations with her. I know she has an appointment with a pulmonologist Wed and I want to go with her but given what has transpired, I don’t care anymore. She isn’t going to listen to the doctor anyway or remember what he said. If he prescribes medicine, she isn’t going to take it. So I don’t see the point of the whole thing. I am going to get annoyed and well, I am tired of being annoyed that my mother doesn’t take care of herself or tried to. But what kills me is that she complains that she has this and that to do but has no energy to do it or she calls herself lazy. She has some serious medical issues and won’t accept them or do anything about them. So that is why she is probably tired all the time and feels like shit. She doesn’t understand that her chronic pain plays a part in this.

Monday I see my doctor at the new location, which means going another way to see him. I hope he give me my pain meds scripts early so I don’t have to come in next week as that office is hard to get to. Too much transportation involved and the building is under construction, which doesn’t help. The whole thing is fenced off, making it difficult for drop offs and pickups. So dumb. It is going to be cold as we are avoiding a snow storm. I rather it be cold than snow. My mother has touched the heat so I am roasting in my room.

I want coffee so bad but it is late and if I have it, I will be up all night. Not going to happen. I already took my night meds early with some gabapentin. I still have water in my left ear for some reason. Been going on for the last three days. The Flonase isn’t helping. And my left nostril is clogged despite using the stuff. Probably why it is. I wanted to shower today but I just don’t have the energy. I want to trim my hair around where I am shaving my head but until I have energy for a shower, it isn’t going to happen. I thought it might tonight, but I am too tired. I just shaved my head. If I fuck up, I am going to buzz it off. I don’t care.

I have been taking so many selfies lately. I feel like it is too much. I don’t know why I am doing it. I take a pic and I have to post it. I hate selfies but I kind of like when I don’t smile. When I smile, I think I look like a dork because it is a slanted kind of smile. I hate it. Meds are kicking in now so I think I am going to stop here. I am sorry I haven’t been as consistent in my blogging as I was. Depression has taken away most of the things that interest me or that I enjoy doing. I have noticed people like the pics of the cats or dogs I post so on days I don’t feel like writing, maybe I will do that. I have a lot of pics that I have from Twitter. Hope you all have a good night/day/whatever time it is that you are reading this.

Trying to deal with transphobia in the home

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trying to deal with transphobia in the home

Yesterday the lunatic called and told my mother that hospitals are no longer giving babies a sex. They are leaving it blank, often a U until the child is old enough to realize its gender. My aunt was having a coronary over this issue and my mother was agreeing with her, in front of me! I tried to give information these ignorant women didn’t know but I could see my efforts weren’t going anywhere.

It really bothered me. I had to get ready for my therapy appointment and was hoping the bus was going to be on time. I went upstairs to get dressed. I temporarily forgot the conversation as I grabbed the things I needed and then went downstairs to put my shoes and jacket on. It was supposed to be slightly warmer but the wind made it really cold. I got to the bus stop and there I connected the dots. My mother was transphobic. I felt a knife in my heart. I got really sad. I didn’t go to Starbucks because I had coffee at home.

I got to my therapist’s office and he was surprised I didn’t know my mother was transphobic. I was kind of pissed he knew but didn’t let on to me. Like WTF. We talked about things and how I felt. I started crying out of frustration. I didn’t know how to deal with this and I still don’t. It is not like I have another place to go. I live with this bitch. And today is her birthday. My sister wanted me to make dirty gravy and have a meal with her. I made the gravy but I didn’t do any celebrating because I was hurting too much.

When I got home from therapy yesterday, I said I had to get off the grid but I ended up going through my friends list on FB and unfriended all my family members, including my sisters and their friends that we were mutual with. Once I did that, I went back because a couple of my good friends had posted and were supportive. I texted the few that I had their numbers to tell the truth. I didn’t want to post right then why I was “off the grid”.

I now know that there is no chance of my mother EVER accepting me and don’t dare tell me it is a generation thing. A mother is supposed to accept their child no matter what and love them unconditionally. There is something morally wrong with my mother and I have tried for years to look past it. But this is why I didn’t come out 12 years ago as a transgendered person. Because I wasn’t sure how my mother was going to be with it. Now I know she will never be okay with it and it bothers me very deeply. She never understood me. She still wants me to be her little girl. That is NEVER going to happen. She can’t accept that and I refuse to not be who I am because she can’t. I have been 85% suicidal most of my life because of this. Even while I was talking to my therapist, I grew suicidal and he said why am I not angry towards them rather than myself. (He is Freudian, and it drives me fucking crazy.) I honestly just want to die than live with a transphobic woman. I have no idea why she is tolerating me, probably because I am tolerating her. But I am in so much pain. It hurts so much realizing this. I haven’t been able to blog because I was afraid I was going to have a breakdown. I cried for three hours yesterday. I thought about password protecting this but I am not going to. I am tired of secrets in the family. If I am a “secret” then so be it. I am not going to hide who I am because a family member has their incorrect opinions about it and is ignorant. I can say more but I want to go to sleep not be pissed off.

I am trying to hold it together but inside I am falling apart. It is just one more thing to add fuel to the suicidal fire. I was thinking of ending my life in May. Yes, I have started making plans again. They are not concrete this time. But they help me deal with my thoughts when they come around. I am not sure if I will still be on Facebook. I didn’t block any of my family (except for those already blocked). I am just tired of dealing with those “lurkers” and you like their posts but they never comment or like yours or never say anything about your post except in real life, like what the fuck. I am just tired of the bullshit. People follow me, fine. Some social media I can’t control but FB I have some control and frankly with their ads and hiding posts all the time, I am not sure I am going to stay on the site. It just isn’t fun like it was. Today I had an ad for an incontinent underwear. It said that it had strength. Why would you need strength in something like that unless you have heavy shits?? I don’t get it. So dumb. I am tired of that and the longer, stronger, penis ads. GRRR those annoy me to no end. I don’t have a dick so why are you sending me this shit??? I don’t know anymore. I am just done. I’ll just stay with my books and journal writing.