Tag: psychotherapist

random thoughts 08102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 08102020

I had therapy today and it got me more depressed. I felt like she was just placating me. It was a difficult session. I told her about crapping my pants and feeling ashamed about it but she didn’t say anything. I felt like she just dismisses my physical ailments because she doesn’t know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. She wants me to fucking talk but when I do, I am not validated in what I say. I just feel so depressed about the whole thing. I don’t know why I bother going to therapy or maybe I have the wrong therapist. I don’t know. I have been working with her for over a year now. She wants to just solve all the difficulties in my life with skills and I am sorry sometimes I just need to be heard not fix what I say.

We agreed I should write more and frankly, I am tired of trying to write because I get stuck often and it is difficult to continue writing. I often write something emotional and then have to stop writing because I get overwhelmed. Then I can’t go back to what I was writing. I get very frustrated with this. So I think my solution is to try and write a in a letter format. I think that if I try writing to someone, say my therapist, it might be easier. So if you should see a “Dear Therapist” post, know that it is just me trying to write my emotions better.

Took a shower today and it killed my back. I have been in agony since. It is so frustrating. Because my sister tested positive for Covid, I am having a virtual session of PT tomorrow. I am trapped in my house. I need to go food shopping again because we are out of ketchup. My cousin hasn’t called me to go and I am getting annoyed having to wait for him to call me. He said that if he felt like taking me he would call me so I guess he hasn’t felt like taking me because he hasn’t called. Fuck.

I’ve been in an irritable depressed mood since therapy. My mother and sister were arguing while I was in session and I just got depressed about it. They always seem to be arguing lately. I hate it when they argue because my mother gets so mad and I worry with her heart condition.

I am so exhausted because I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. I started falling asleep sitting up and stayed that way until I woke up with my neck hurting and then I laid down. I slept a couple of more hours before I woke up again to pee. I then stayed up for an hour or so before I went back to sleep only to wake up a couple of hours later. I gave up sleeping because I had my therapy appointment and I didn’t want to oversleep. I had coffee and that sort of woke me up a little bit. I tried a new Pop Tarts thing called crisps. It was okay but not filling. I will have a regular pop tart next time.

got my flu shot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Got my flu shot

I finally got my flu shot today. I hope that I don’t get sick from it. I didn’t last year when I got it but my arm was sore as hell for a few days. I wanted to get it yesterday but I wasn’t feeling well. My stomach was going insane. I had to stay near a bathroom so didn’t want to take a chance of leaving the house. I am tired now from the short walk. I didn’t think I was going to make it home. I got really winded and my legs were aching. I had to stop midway from my house. I hate that I am still not 100% from surgery. I am only six weeks post op.

I am listening to Hamilton again. I know I usually listen on Saturdays but it was on my playlist so I just played it. I love the soundtrack. It is so good.

Today I learned that my youngest sister has Covid. She is asymptomatic right now. My middle sister and mother will be tested tomorrow. I am nervous because both sisters went to Vegas and just came back. I hope that she won’t be positive too but you never know with this damn virus. If she is positive, I will get tested.

I am a nervous wreck with not knowing right now. I haven’t been sleeping. The trip to the pharmacy to get my flu shot really made me tired. I am fighting sleep right now. It is late and I don’t want to sleep because I know I will be up at like 2 am. I texted my therapist to let her know. She said she gets it. She wants me to get tested but I will if the sister I live with (middle sister) tests positive. I haven’t been around my youngest sister that much so I think I am safe. I just worry if my mother has it. It will kill her as she has a lot of health issues. I hope she doesn’t freak out when she is tested. It isn’t a pleasant test.

I am sad to hear about Eddie Van Halen. I loved him back in the 80’s when they were at their peak. His guitar playing was unheard of. He was so damn good. I am also sad to hear about Johnny Nash. I loved his music too. My mother has a vinyl record of his. I should play it, if I can find it.

My back has started to cramp up again. Damn thing cramps up on me every day. I take stuff for it but it doesn’t matter, I still get the cramps. They are so debilitating. I am definitely going to bring this up when I see my surgeon in a couple weeks. Maybe he can prescribe me something to take them away or maybe increase the dose of what I am taking. I should email my neuro and let her know. She might be able to do something for me. She wants to be posted about my progress and stuff. The only thing that sucks is that I don’t have bowel control like I used to. I have crapped my pants one too many times since my second surgery. I had a bowel accident yesterday morning that just turned into a shit day, not really colon blow but I had diarrhea and it was hard to control my movements. I hate that I have nerve damage to my bowel. It really sucks.

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

I’ve been hit with severe depression and hopelessness the past few days. I had my appointment with the new pain doc and it was discouraging. I felt like they felt I was too at risk for management because of my psych condition and past suicidal history. They were to discuss options with my primary care doc and then make some decision. I honestly don’t care to go back to see them. I am seeing their pain psychologist for some coping stuff specific to pain. I think that will be good. I don’t see him until the end of Oct.

I had the meeting with my PCP today. He didn’t say anything of what the pain docs said. I told him I was discouraged because of the way they are treating my mental illness. He didn’t say too much other than he was sorry that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been such a long process. I am not sure when I will see him again.

I also had a meeting with my therapist today. It was a tough session, she really pushed me and I was not really in the mood for pushing. I wanted to leave at least three times but I stuck it out. I asked her what to do when I get into these horrible moods so she gave me a DBT handout on some skill. I have to print it out so I have it in front of me. She wants me to work on this skill every day. We’ll see if that happens. I am not so great in doing homework, especially when there is no follow up with it. We talked about how hopeless I have been feeling. I told her I felt like crawling under a rock and staying there. She just agreed with me with an ok.

Because I was two hours early for my pain doc appointment, I started listening to Hamilton. I finished listening to it tonight and the ending always makes me sad. Watching the movie, which I haven’t in months, I would cry. Just seeing the emotions on the stage were enough to get me to feel.

I shaved and showered tonight before the Sox game. It was a disaster by the 3rd inning so I turned off the radio app. It was interfering with my writing. I kept blanking out as I was listening to the game. So hard to write when you are listening to something. I can listen to music just fine but a ball game or a musical and it’s tough writing.

Back is thanking me for showering and shaving right now. It is cramping up big time and hurts. All I can do is take Tylenol and Advil. My pain meds don’t really work for the cramping. I do take the Zanaflex but I think it is losing its effectiveness or I might be becoming tolerant to it. It still makes me sleepy though.

Saturday Blog 12092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12092020

I changed the background on my zoom and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to have therapy with my therapist on Wed. I wanted to have something different than just looking at a wall in my room. Monday I need to call to schedule my PT appointment. I meant to call yesterday but it was not going to happen as I was so sleepy. Today I slept till almost 1500. I still had coffee. I needed it. I might end up going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I got another text from them saying my meds are ready for pick up. I feel too lazy today to go but I might force myself to go. I don’t know. If I go, I will get Oreo ice cream.

I need to shave today. I might do that later. I will be careful not to reopen my cut on my face. It is healing nicely. I want to wash my face today so maybe after I shave I will do that. I just hope my back cooperates and doesn’t cramp up on me. I should shower too but that may be too much. I get tired easily these days. I am still recovering from back surgery. I am to do activities to my tolerance and if things tire me out, then I need to rest, per doctor’s orders.

College football starts today. I don’t think the Buckeyes are playing. There are only 19 teams scheduled to play. I don’t know who is playing as I haven’t looked. I heard Iowa lost to Louisiana. That was an upset. I am not that interested this year in college football like I was in previous years. The virus has put a damper on my excitement about games. I just want to keep the players healthy. There are some nasty side effects of the virus if you get it and survive.

Hunter Hayes has come out with a song that is perfect for suicide prevention. I love it. It is called Invisible. I have been listening to it on repeat the past few days. He has been involved in this year’s World suicide prevention day. He was selling T-shirts to benefit some organization. I haven’t been involved this year because I just can’t right now. I am too hurt from my feelings and where I was a year ago. I wrote about it on Twitter. I still can’t believe that conviction I felt about ending my life is gone. I am less suicidal. I still think about it at times but it is more of a passing thought. It doesn’t hang around like it used to.

A few weeks ago my therapist gave me the low down on my illness and said that it was severe and that I needed treatment that included medication. She wasn’t backing down on this. I slowly have come to the realization that she is right. I do have a severe illness and it does require treatment. I had been in denial that it was severe because I thought I could handle it on my own in certain aspects of it. But I can’t be in denial anymore. I have to accept that I have severe depression. It is hard. It hasn’t been easy to accept. I am not sure I have fully accepted this. I am trying though. It is a challenge every day to get through it. Some days are easier than others. The fatigue of depression never seems to fade. But there are days were I am able to overcome its grip and carry on through the day. It might make me more exhausted as the day ends but at least I pulled through.