Tag: PTSD

ADL Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 25092021

I had a rough night. I woke up around midnight to empty my bladder as it has been five hours since I last emptied it. I then had a difficult time trying to get back to sleep. My anxiety was starting to take over as my thoughts just kept on repeating on themselves. I took an Ativan but it just calmed me down and cleared my head. It didn’t make me sleepy. I colored for a bit and then I started writing in my journal. I guess I should have done that first as I wrote ¾ of a page and then I was sleepy enough to go back to bed around 0430.

I had just emptied my bladder about a half hour ago and then had a bowel movement which produced some urine. I don’t understand this. I also found out yesterday that I had residual urine after every void I had yesterday. I don’t know if there was residual after my bowel movement because I wasn’t in my bathroom and I didn’t think I needed a catheter. I am getting so frustrated that I sent a message to my urologist asking for some help or guidance about this. My urine is clear so I don’t think I have an infection. I also don’t know if this is just a post op thing that will get better in time. I am not a patient person when it comes to this stuff as it stresses me out.

I only have one appointment next week so if I have to go give a urine specimen I could. I think it will be negative however. I am not having any other symptom of infection other than the strong urges to go all the fricken time. Today is a little bit better and I have been mindful of the time I go so I am not guessing.

I just made another cup of coffee because I need it. While I was waiting for it to brew, my mother wanted me to make her a hamburger so I did. My sister made several banana breads so I had a piece of one. It was ok but very buttery. As I was coming up the stairs to my room, my sister told me a story of how she was trying to get information from Siri about something and the android kept telling her to Sukkot. LOL got to love AI.

Sox game is at 4 so I plan on reading my book for a couple of hours or chapters until then. Last night was an ugly loss. Nate didn’t have his stuff and the Skanks hit him hard. He gave up two homeruns. Not like him at all. Hope he isn’t hurt and isn’t telling someone.

I’m hungry but I don’t know what I want to eat. I kind of want Chipotle again. It was really good last night. I added corn salsa and it really kicked ass to the burrito bowl. But I want Kung Pao so I ordered from a new place. Hope it is good. I got the white rice with it. I didn’t feel like getting the fried rice.

haircut and shower exhausted me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Haircut and shower exhausted me

I had some energy this morning so I decided to get my haircut. When I came home I showered and now I am exhausted. I went to Starbucks for my mocha and something to eat. While walking back to the barber shop, I got winded and it took a while for me to catch my breath. I thought I was over covid but I guess not. It has been five months and I am still experiencing some side effects of the illness. Please, if you are reading this and haven’t been vaccinated, please get the shot.

I have been feeling depressed and my sleep has been awful. I was up most of the night. I just couldn’t sleep. It is pay week and I am worried about my finances. I already messed up and am overdrawn on my checking account. I thought I could pay all my bills with one check and I can’t. I need the supplemental pay I get from my long term disability claim to help with my bills. I still need to pay my cell phone and cable bill. I get paid tomorrow from the LTD so I won’t be in the negative but I will be down a hundred bucks. I should have some money to pay my sister back for the loan she gave me.

My therapist responded to the message I sent her about how to proceed in therapy. I asked her if we could just free associate rather than stick with a topic because I just am not motivated to work on my trauma right now. She said that we could do that if that will bring me in. I honestly was thinking of canceling next week’s session because I see it as pointless. I just am not really in the mood to talk about stuff. I just feel kind of stuck and don’t want to do anything. I have been reading so my concentration hasn’t been affected. My appetite has been sort of ok. I am eating less than what I should be eating. The other day all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure for the entire day. I just am not eating calories to get through the day. I am drinking fluids though because I have to make sure my bladder is empty every four hours, two if I drink coffee. I am so frustrated with the discharge. I am glad I am seeing the surgeon tomorrow because I can’t take wearing pads anymore. It has been five weeks that I have been wearing it and they are starting to irritate me.

My neurologist granted my request for lidocaine patches for my nerve pain on my thigh. I am so glad. I had a box of them but they expired years ago so I had to toss them. I am going to try and put them on my shin where most of my pain is most days. I don’t know if it will work because the skin is so sensitive it might hurt. I can no longer where socks that are thigh high. The elastic hurts me.

I have an easy week next week with just one appointment to see my therapist. I just put some money on my T pass so I might go to Starbucks to read or write while having my mocha. I meant to bring a book today but I forgot. It’s hard when I don’t carry a bag. I forget things. I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap and then make a black bean burger for lunch/dinner. Hope I can sleep and not have weird fucking dreams. Last night I dreamt I was with my cousins and was laying in their bed after they made it. I don’t remember the reason I was there. But it was just weird.

five weeks post op and in bad mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Five weeks post op and in bad mood

Last night my foot/ankle started hurting with stabbing pains. It continues into today. I am in a rotten mood. I read a chapter and a half of Enemy of the People. It is helping to distract me in a weird way. I don’t feel like coloring yet but it is on my agenda. I just feel so poorly. I emptied my bladder and now I have abdominal pain and I just can’t cope. So I decided to write.

I sent my therapist a message. I asked her if I could show up without being productive. Not sure how she will respond to the question. I really don’t feel like going to therapy. I know I should because I am very depressed but I just don’t feel like talking if there has to be an agenda in session. I am not motivated to be productive right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I think that is the fucking job of a therapist to do, not create a plan for session.

I am full of melancholy. My thoughts are dark again. The CRPS pain isn’t helping my mood. I keep thinking I will be better off dead. My appetite has been poor. I managed to heat up some quiche for lunch. I had it with coffee that I didn’t even finish. Yesterday all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure. I just haven’t been hungry. I was thinking of ordering roast beef today but not sure I will. Maybe for dinner.

I still have some crap on my pad. I don’t see the doc until Friday morning. I set two alarms so I get up. Waking up in the morning has been extremely hard the past few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning and have a cup of coffee while my sister was here. She just came back from her trip to Europe. She gave me some funny socks. While I was cooking the quiche, I shaved my head. I might shower today. Sometimes that helps to make my mood better.

My pain just jumped. I just took some more pain meds with an Ativan as I am wicked anxious and overwhelmed. I guess I am not showering as that would take too much energy and might cause more pain. My pain doc would not like that I am taking Ativan with my pain meds but I don’t give a fucking shit what she thinks. I have been taking them both for years and I am still here so there.

I wish I was seeing the surgeon tomorrow rather than Friday. I hate wearing underwear and a pad. I want to wear my boxers again. They are more comfortable. Every day there is discharge and I can’t stand it. That along with the stupid abdominal pain from my bladder is just driving me nuts. I have no one to talk to about it. I just feel so alone right now. Least my incision has healed up and isn’t open anymore. I was worried I was going to get an infection there. It will hurt if I press on it though so I don’t do that.

writing on a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing on a Monday

I’ve had two cups of coffee to ward off tiredness and the second cup has finally fueled my fire! Tomorrow evening I will be going to a webinar about writing as a caretaker. I hope this helps with some of the frustration I get with my mother and her chronic health issues, particularly her diabetes and chronic pain. The person leading the webinar is a renowned writer at the Massachusetts General Hosp. I have known her for years, by name only so this will be a treat to finally meet her. I took out my portfolio and was glad to find that one of my favorite pens was inside. That will be excellent writing material.

My appointment with my therapist is less than 3 hours from now. I am kind of nervous about going as I am in a bitchy mood. I want to text my therapist to tell her this but last time it didn’t go well and I got more angry and annoyed. It has only been a week since I last saw her but it feels like ages.

I just emptied my bladder and I am having pain. I don’t understand why. I wasn’t that full. I was just emptying my first cup of coffee. I will be emptying my second in a couple hours. I also need to brush my teeth. I bought Listerine so I can try and get rid of this canker in the back of my mouth. I know salt and water would probably work but it makes me gag so I rather use mouthwash.

I am finally out of the haze the flu shot put me under. Past few days have been rough with me sleeping all day. Today I am feeling a little more alert. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 6 and gave up as I was just resting my eyes and not really snoozing or sleeping. I had woke up to pee around 4 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I probably will take a nap after therapy. I usually do.

I wore underwear and a pad last night. So far, pad is clean. No discharge, which is awesome. I am waiting for the nurse to call as she said she would check in with me. I hope it is before my appointment with my therapist. She also wants to call to see how my wound is. I think it is better as it has closed up. I have a band aid on it right now to keep it clean.

I am going to try and keep myself hydrated today. I have been really bad about that the past few days because I was sleeping on most of the day. I have to clear the recycles that have been accumulating on my bed and empty my bedside trash. Sox are off tonight. They have eleven games left in the season. They have a chance of playing in the wild card if they continue to win games. I already am feeling nervous about these final games. Going to need Ativan for listening to them.