Tag: recurrent major depression

listening to Coldplay

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Listening to Coldplay

I decided to listen to something different so put on some old Coldplay. I am listening to rush of blood to the head. I love this album.

Yesterday I had therapy and we talked a lot. I was shocked that I was able to have a conversation at that hour. I had a cup of coffee before session so I think that helped wake me up. We talked about partial and how I wanted to continue with it but am not sure my insurance would approve. She said that it is very unlikely that the insurance would not approve of more time. I had a meeting with the therapist of the program and we talked about it. I thought she put in the paperwork for it but turns out she wanted to speak to me before she went ahead to do that. I haven’t heard back from her but it is still early in the day.

I feel like the last few times I have talked to my therapist I have been able to say what was on my mind which is a breakthrough of some sort. I know I wasn’t able to talk much on Monday and had a little shut down because I was overwhelmed with feelings. It still astonishes me that all I could say was “bah” and nothing more. It has been so hard to describe what has been going on recently. Things with my mother have been so difficult trying to take care of her while despising her. Her birthday is this weekend and I plan on signing the card “loving son.” I have to get the message across somehow. Not saying this will be an answer but maybe it will help with the misgendering and wrong pronouns.

I’m still in a lot of pain with my ankle and my back. This morning while having coffee I sneezed and pulled a muscle in my lower back. It is better now but still kind of sore. I am going to try and do a few things in my room today and see if I can do that. I want to put the sheets and blanket on my bed away. But I got to clean a spot for them. I plan to do that after I finish blogging.

Next week I have a lot of appointments. I am meeting with my neurosurgeon and GYN surgeon. Not on the same day but it is going to be a stressful week. I am also meeting with my psychiatrist. I am going to ask him for an increase in the citalopram. The Latuda experiment hasn’t worked to help my mood but has helped the voices, which is why I wanted to be put on it. I think an increase in citalopram might help the depression some. Won’t know until we try. I am on a low dose right now so have room to go up.

I need to take a shower today but I am not sure when. Probably after I finish putting away my laundry. I still have a bag of clothes to wash but I think I am going to keep them in there as I have no place to put them. I have to make an appointment with my eye doctor but I need to see a new one as I don’t like one I have. I think I am going to go to a different place, maybe in Harvard Square. I just got to see if they accept my insurance.

evermore

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Evermore

I resonate with this song evermore by Taylor Swift. I have it on repeat because the song was stuck in my head. This song is the first one of hers that means something to me. I think it is because of the line “I had a feeling so peculiar. This pain wouldn’t be for evermore”. There is also a line about dog days which is a symbol of depression. This song means so much to me.

I’ve been up since 0630 since my bladder decided it was going to burst if I didn’t go to the bathroom. I still had trouble emptying my bladder when it is that full. I am pretty tired. I went to groups this morning. The last group was on CBT and I was so bored. I couldn’t relate to what was going on so I just played with my phone. I eventually had to get off social media because of the protests in Washington were getting out of hand. I just hope no one dies. My back and ankle are smarting today so I wanted to finish the laundry I started but it isn’t going to happen. I asked my sister to bring up the clothes for me to fold and put away. She still hasn’t done this.

The other day I opened the birthday card my mother gave me and I wished I didn’t. Right in huge letters on the front of the card was “daughter:” It hurt like a knife through my heart. I am still so damn hurt. Her birthday is this weekend and I am thinking of getting her a son card. Of course this means I have to go to Walgreens or CVS to get one. I am sure I will find the “perfect” one.

I am supposed to be finished with the partial program tomorrow but I asked if I could stay on for another couple of weeks. I am waiting to hear back with insurance approval. My regular guy that I see is out this week so I will be seeing someone else. I hope to meet with her tomorrow. I have a second session with my therapist tomorrow morning. Should be interesting as I don’t do well with morning appointments. If I am able to have coffee either before or during session that will be great. I will probably need two cups as I have group afterwards.

I finally ordered a new foam topper for my bed. The one I have is not staying put on my bed and is really annoying me as then the sheets become undone. I’ve been wanting to get a new one for a while but logistically couldn’t work it out. Now that my room is a little more clearer, I can do it.

I am so tired yet it’s only 1830. I don’t want to take a nap now because it will throw my sleep off more than it already is. I’ve been up so early and it sucks. I just hope that I don’t get over tired. That is the worst and I usually end up with insomnia after it. I need to get up early so I can’t afford a night of losing sleep.

Happy New Year 2021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Happy New Year 2021

Happy New Year to all my readers! Hope you rang in the year peacefully. I was sleeping. I slept all day yesterday. I was so tired. I don’t make any resolutions but I am keeping a record of books that I read. I didn’t do good for reading 21 books last year. I only read 16. I can only try and do better this year.

My shoulder has been killing me the last few days and is causing neck spasms. Because I have had to take Zanaflex, I have been sleepy. The magnesium doesn’t seem to help the neck spasms. I have been taking my breakthrough med and Tylenol to control the pain. It really sucks that nothing seems to set it off. It just hurts on its own. I had trouble sleeping during the night because the pain kept waking me up. I have interrupted sleep during the night. It really sucks.

I have been feeling depressed. Things have just been off with me and I can’t seem to figure things out. I have one more week of the partial program. It has been helpful but I don’t think staying longer will be useful. I will talk to my therapist about it on Monday. I am glad she will be back in the office. I missed her. We have a lot to talk about with my upcoming gyn appointment. It is a pre op exam for my hysterectomy. I don’t know if I will be having it because of the care my mother needs and me not being able to do anything for 6 weeks will just piss off my sisters. I am having my doubts about the surgery anyway so I don’t mind putting it off. I do want to talk to her about any impact the surgery will have on my bladder. I don’t want more problems than I already have. I still have to have the urodynamic testing done. I am not ready mentally for that. I wish it wasn’t such an invasive test.

I am going to have to restart my laptop because my power icon isn’t showing on the taskbar like it is supposed to. UGH. I hate having to restart the laptop. I have to decide what to do with my beard. It is getting long and irritating. I am not good at trimming it so I might just shave it off. I don’t know. I need to shower. I don’t remember the last time I showered so it will be good to take one. I just hope my back doesn’t flare up. It has been acting up a lot lately and I don’t know why. The weather has been constant cold so I don’t know.

My sister has bought a baby monitor so we can look after my mother during the night. I just connected to it. It is pretty cool and the picture quality is good. My mother is still weak but is getting better each day. It has been hard seeing her like this. She is on oxygen and doesn’t breathe right with it. She mostly has been breathing in through her mouth, which doesn’t do the oxygen much good.

I am tired and have a late afternoon grocery delivery. I hope my nephew can help me with it.

shit show of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shit show of a day

So this morning as I was making coffee, I answered my mother’s phone. She was having some nursing come and her doctor’s nurse wanted to talk to her. Both women misgendered me and deadnamed me. One of the women couldn’t understand why I was going by G instead of my birth name and why I was a son and not a daughter as I was conflicting with her paperwork. I don’t understand why they couldn’t be gender affirmed in their care.

I shrugged it off as there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to tell my mother that I am her son and to refer me as it on her doctor’s records. I went to group and each one went ok. I had to miss the first one because I didn’t get an email in time telling me where the group was. For some reason I am not getting the email when they send it out. It worked out okay because the last group on the day was on gender. I was bored during some of the groups but it was ok.

My sister gave me the presents from my mother, including my birthday card that said “daughter”. I flipped out. I was so damn fucking hurt. And with the stuff that happened in the morning it really didn’t make me feel good. I texted my therapist, who is on vacation, and she flipped out and knew I was hurting. She asked who else I could reach out to. I had already sent a few messages out to friends that would talk to me. I put on some Bon Jovi to just listen to music. I wanted to listen to something that wouldn’t stir anything up.

I felt bad that I bothered my therapist. I wasn’t looking for support as I knew I wasn’t going to get it, with her being on vacation. I ordered a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles. I got the burger with ketchup. It even said on the paper mustard. Someone can’t read. I ate it anyway. I wasn’t going to let a burger go to waste.

My mother is doing ok. She is still weak. I am not too happy with her right now but there is nothing I can do about it right now. I have to somehow get over this, that she cannot accept me for me. But it hurts so much. I tried crying tonight about it but the tears wouldn’t come. I don’t know why when I felt tearful. I think the citalopram is the reason I can’t cry. It really sucks. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with it.