Tag: sleep disturbance

Can’t pass out due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

rough night of sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough night of sleeping

I didn’t have a good sleep last night. I was up every few fricken hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything, I just kept waking up. I finally gave up around 0600. I just made coffee so that I can wake up without being cranky. I hate it when I don’t sleep through the night.

I need to empty my recycles today. I have two bins full. Actually, it’s my recycle bin and my trash can. I have been lazy to empty it because I don’t want to cause myself pain by going down to the first floor. My ankle is kind of sore today because I made the coffee. I haven’t made breakfast yet. I need to make the bacon I bought or it’s going to go bad. I love bacon sandwiches. And I finally got a good multigrain bread that I like so it will be a super sandwich.

I don’t know why I was so restless last night. I kept tossing and turning as well as putting my foot out of the covers and then putting them back in. I have the ceiling fan going but I am not cold despite it being 30 degrees outside. It was cold in the kitchen though. That is because we have minimal insulation. I had to put my slippers on because I knew the floor would be cold as ice. I didn’t eat anything because I am not that hungry right now.

I sent my psychiatrist the article I plan on writing about later today. I thought about going to Starbucks but seeing as I am drinking coffee, I don’t think I will make the trip out there. I might change my mind later, but I really doubt it. I do have to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. The NP was supposed to send my script to the mail order company and instead sent it to Walgreens. So instead of getting a 90 day supply, I only get a 2 month supply. I am very annoyed as I specifically told her to send it to CVS. UGH.

I finally bought my favorite ice cream at Walgreens yesterday when I picked up my meds. I was craving the ice cream called Drumsticks. It’s an ice cream cone with vanilla and then topped with chocolate and nuts. It’s so good. I was going to order it on my grocery order but there wasn’t room in the freezer and I knew if I put it in the downstairs freezer, I would forget about it.

I felt guilty about not texting my therapist about yesterday’s events so I sent her the blog I wrote detailing everything that went on. I then texted her that I was in pain and wanted to cry. Last night despite having my pain meds back, I just couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep, hence why I was up every few hours, taking my foot in and out the covers. My foot would be hot so I take it out and then would get cold so I would have to put it back under. It was so annoying.

I think I have another cavity on the second to last tooth, next to the one I just got filled. The hot coffee is annoying it and it hurts. Just great. I hope it’s just tooth sensitivity and nothing more. I see the dentist next month for a cleaning. I am sure I will find out then what the problem is. It’s funny because for the first time in 20+ years my psychiatrist asked if I go to the dentist. I was telling her about all the treats I have been making and she want to know about my dental health. She doesn’t know that I don’t brush my teeth often. Mostly it’s because I am an airhead and I forget but lately I have been avoiding it because of pain standing.

I hate it when I drink coffee and then feel drowsy. I am going back to sleep. Will write more later.

therapy and not sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy again today. She again brought up negative symptoms. She is afraid of her losing me, whatever that means. I told her I just feel nothing, like everything is blunt. I also feel flat. Her fear is that the longer this goes on, the more I am going to feel this way. I don’t get why this is of concern. Maybe I am missing something that she just isn’t explaining well enough.

We also talked about the possibility of seeing someone while she is away for a couple of weeks in August. She brought up the question of whether I would see someone DBT like as an adjunct therapist. I have no intention of seeing someone other than my therapist and my psychiatrist. I don’t think I will see someone while she is away. I probably will just write letters like I usually do when she is gone. It’s going to be a long two weeks. I need to find out if my psychiatrist will be away the same time. That will suck but it is a possibility. I will find out Monday when I see my psych.

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up like every couple of hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything. I just slept for two hours here, three there and then woke up thinking it was time to wake up, but it wasn’t. I did finally get to sleep after the fourth time I was up. I slept for about five hours before my phone went off. Someone was calling me but I think it was the wrong number because they didn’t leave a message. And my mother called at her normal time to see if I was going out today. I don’t plan on it. I am just too tired. I am having coffee to try and wake up but it’s not doing much for me.

I might go to the grocery store to get some cream. I am almost out. I just don’t know if I am have the energy to do it. It’s much cooler today than it has been. I finally have the AC off as it’s really cold in my room. I like the cold but not freezing cold.

I need to call the PT place to set up an appointment. I do but don’t want to go to therapy. It’s down the street from me so it’s not like I will be going far. It’s just my fear that it’s going to cause more pain than what I am already in. And there is no guarantee that it’s really going to help me. I think docs like to send you when they don’t know what else to do for you.

Looks like today I am just going to sleep. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don’t have anything that I really need to do today. I might get a Zipcar next week and see my therapist. All depends on if I get my funds.

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!