Tag: suicidality

Mother’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mother’s Day 2017

Last night I left my mother her card for Mother’s Day and she opened it. She came into my room when she came upstairs and said thank you. This morning I wished her Happy Mother’s Day and spent some time in the kitchen as I made my coffee. I should have gone upstairs after I made it but I didn’t. Big mistake. My mother started complaining about how I should go through my clothes and hang them up in my shitty closet. Then she was saying how she needs to clean this and that but she can’t do it because she doesn’t have the energy.

When I was finished with my coffee, I noticed two pans in the sink. I asked her if she had two different types of eggs and that is when she called me a lazy bastard because I didn’t clean the one of the pans from yesterday. I felt so hurt. I just wanted to die and wished I never been born.

My sister told us to come to her place around 1500 for dinner. I really didn’t want to go. I just wanted to stay in bed and watch a movie. I finally loaded my new software and wanted to see how the picture quality is. I couldn’t believe that once I loaded it, it said it needed to be upgraded. I clicked on the link, thinking it was some kind of update software, nope it was a different version for $50! Fuck that. Dell was selling the 16 version for $80. Rip off! I will stick with using this laptop for movies.

Dinner was good. My sister made a surf and turf. I had some shrimp but didn’t eat the lobster as I don’t like it. The steak was ok. I loved the mashed potatoes and the corn, even though my niece complained about the potatoes the whole time. It was really annoying. I love my niece but she can be extremely opinionated about things and there is no point in arguing with her because you are wrong. My foot/ankle started acting up so I left. I needed pain meds and my bed to relax.

I wanted to make pancakes this morning and had tweeted the person that gave me the recipe but I made the mistake of going back to sleep. That sapped my energy and I really didn’t want to do anything. I got hungry before dinner was ready and had some Doritos. If I was a lazy bastard, I would be a fat lazy bastard. My mother is always saying shit like this to me. She calls me lazy all the time. But yet, when she needs something at Walgreens or the store, it’s okay to ask me to get it for her. Pisses me off. And also depresses me because I don’t feel valued by her at all. I think she would just be better off without me.

I keep thinking of ending my life and today is no different. I also think about how it would effect my nieces and nephew. They are the ones that really keep me here, when the blinders are not on so heavily. I just feel like a piece of shit that needs to be disposed of. I will one of these days.

diets and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Diets and other things

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain and the voices. The voices started up around 1800 last night and they were telling me people were out to get me, they hated me, and were trying to steal my thoughts. I became really anxious so I called my psych, who told me to take some Ativan. I had taken a strong pain pill and I think that is why my sleep was disrupted. My psych wanted me to call her today.

I didn’t stick to my diet today. I just ate what I wanted. I wasn’t planning on going out today but I wanted a burrito so I went to the Square and got one. Then I went to Starbucks to eat it and have my espresso and write a little bit. I tried writing for about a half hour with my new pen. It was a fine point and wrote smooth. I liked it but I prefer my medium point. I saw my bus go by and checked my watch. The next bus was coming so I left to go to the bus stop.

I went to Walgreens for my mother and they still didn’t have what she wanted so I got a raincheck for the item. I got some instant pasta so I could have it for supper. My mother called me to say she was making spaghetti. I will just have the pasta tomorrow. I hate skipping my diet but I wanted real food. Just having liquid protein is tough. I made it through yesterday okay but I was starving when I woke up at 0230 this morning. I had another Ensure and tried to go back to sleep.

I was on Twitter for most of the day. I saw that the Star Trek Twitter had posted a game from Think Geek. It’s a Monopoly game with a Klingon theme. I want it really bad! I think it will be fun to play with my nieces and nephew. I will get it when my check comes in next.

My ankle is still fucking hurting really bad. I am tempted to take another strong pain pill as I can’t take my regular meds for the next couple of hours. I took Neurontin this morning to keep the burning away. I feel groggy from it and the espresso helped but I am feeling really sleepy now that I am home. My psych called me back and I told her about the stressors that contributed to my psychosis yesterday. I would write about it but I am being watched so I can’t talk about it.

I didn’t have any sweets today though I really wanted to get a donut at Starbucks. I am trying to lay off junk food and sweets. It’s hard because I like those things.

I caved in and took a strong pain pill. I couldn’t help it. The pain is getting worse and I am going nuts from it. My suicidality is increasing because of it. I figure if I stop the pain, the suicidality will go down. I just want to end my life anyway, just for the hell of it. Just try it and see what happens. I die, I die. If I live, I live. I don’t fricken care. I just want to get the devil out of my system.

I think tomorrow, if I am not hungover or in really bad pain, I will change my sheets. The sheets I have on now keep coming off the bed, which is annoying me. The stupid foam topper keeps shifting and I don’t know why, which takes the sheet with it. I have had to adjust the thing every other day and I am getting tired of it!

Review: ASAD, Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Review ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

This article was written earlier this year and I was able to get it to evaluate it. The following are my thoughts about it:

Suicide affects over 800,000 people worldwide but there is not much in terms of preventing death by suicide or attempts. Risk factors mostly focus on suicide ideation. Even though the DSM 5 has created a SBD (suicidal behavior disorder), it is something to be explored but not a full diagnosis. The authors of this article have proposed the diagnosis of Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance because it is a relatively immediate response to stress or some other factor. The criteria is:

• A geometric increase in suicidal intent over the course of hours or days, as opposed to weeks or months
• One of both of the following: marked social alienation (e.g., severe social withdrawal, disgust with others, perceptions that one is a burden on others) or marked self-alienation (e.g., self-disgust, perceptions that one’s psychological pain is a burden)
• Perceptions that the foregoing are hopelessly intractable
• Two or more manifestations of overarousal (i.e., agitation, insomnia, nightmares, irritability)

All four criteria must be present for a diagnosis and must not be the direct result of an exasperation of a mood disorder or substance use. I am guessing this means that a mixed state would exclude the diagnosis. I also wrote to the primary author, Megan Rogers, to find out if a medical condition would be exclusionary, such as a chronic pain condition, but it hasn’t been established.

Exclusionary criteria for the studies were active psychotic symptoms, imminent danger to self or others, and unmedicated bipolar spectrum disorders.

343 outpatients from a university-affiliated clinic were enrolled in the study. Various measures were used to assess anxiety, depression, suicide ideation, anger, dream activity, etc. 7,698 inpatients were enrolled in the second part of the study. Measures were a little different than the outpatient sample, as the SSF-II (Suicide Status Form) was used to measure ASAD symptoms as opposed to the Beck Scale for Suicide Ideation. The SSF-II has a good validity rate (Jobes et.al., 1997). Other measures were length of stay (mean 7.54 days, SD 6.41), PHQ-9, and past suicide attempts.
The statistics of the tables were confusing to me as I am not a stats person so I can’t really interpret the results. The discussion had good markers for ASAD being a diagnosis and I went from there. One take away was that ASAD was associated with numerous psych disorders but was not redundant in association to suicide risk. It was related to past suicide attempts above and beyond symptoms of depression, which I think is important. Depression symptoms only tell one side of the story and not all people with depression are suicidal or have thoughts of suicide.

As with this being relatively new, more research is needed in multiple areas to ascertain whether this can be a useful diagnosis in the management of suicidal behaviors or even to prevent suicide. The authors did note that once ASAD is established, good safety planning is necessary to monitor suicidality throughout the course of treatment. This is important in all therapeutic endeavors when dealing with suicidal individuals, even if the episode has passed. A tailor made plan must be made, not a “one size fits all” model.

Acute Suicidal affective disturbance: Factorial structure and initial validation across psychiatric outpatient and inpatient samples. Rogers,M. Chiurliza, B. Hagan, CR. Tzoneva, M., Hames, JL., Michaels, MS., Hitchfield, MJ., Palmer, BA., Lineberry, TW.,Jobes, DA., Joiner, TE. Journal of Affective Disorders 211 (2017) 1-11

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.