Tag: suicide ideation

waves of despair due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, suicidality, suicide

Waves of despair due to pain

The Sox lost their 3rd game of the season. I had something to eat because I was hungry and then I tried sleeping. My foot/ankle has been playing up throughout most of the game. I laid down and tried to get comfortable. The pain wasn’t getting better so decided to take another pain med. And that is when my foot/ankle really said fuck you to me. I saw fucking stars. All I did was try and sit up. Hard to swallow a pill while you are lying down.

So my thoughts went to suicide. I’ve been stuck in this hole and I don’t think there is anyway out. I really don’t want to see my therapist anymore. Just thinking about walking to his office makes me anxious. I don’t talk about my suicidal feelings or thoughts because the last time I brought them up, he said I was “angry”. Typical Freud? It just upset me and I just feel like I have no where to go to talk about this shit except here. NO I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE RIGHT THIS SECOND OR IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! I am just TALKING about it, NOT ACTING on it. There is a fucking difference.

It’s the weekend so the information that I need to find out I can’t find out because the office isn’t open. I can make other plans though. I think I have a location that I can end things. I will scope the place out next week. It will be fun, get me out of the house for a few hours. It’s moments like this when the plan that has been going round and round my head has a chance to be written and spelled out because my stupid fucking pain is high and all I can think about is ending it. You know what is stupid? There has been less opioid prescriptions written since 2015 and yet there are more overdoses. People are still dying, want to know why? Because they are not fucking overdosing on prescription opioids!!! It is heroin and illicit fentanyl!! Way to go government and your stupid war on drugs.

I am so damn tired of being in constant pain. My niece is turning 13 today. I feel bad that her uncle will be dying soon because his pain is not being treated adequately. Hell, he isn’t even being taken seriously that he has pain. The only docs that believe him is his psychiatrist and the LGBT doctor. I am supposed to meet with the pain doc in two weeks. I don’t know if it will a waste of time or not. But in the mean time, I am supposed to wait. I will plan while I am waiting. Seems to be the sensible thing to do.

baseball torture

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baseball torture

My favorite game in the world started almost a month ago. The start times have been finicky and now that we are playing west coast teams, the games start later. I am sure there are probably other baseball games I could watch to pass the time but I don’t subscribe to a sports bundle or MLB TV. MLB TV is just way too much money and the sucky thing is, as the season goes on, it gets cheaper. So you might pay $100 the beginning of the season and then $20 the end of the season. I don’t know if the post season is included. Probably not because it is on national tv, usually. I really want to watch the Sox all the time. I hate having to count down the hours till the games start.

I went to the grocery store today. My mother woke me up around 0830 to put her socks on. The phone was ringing but I was sleeping so had no idea why my phone was making noise. Then my mother came into my room and I figured it out. I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless so I went to the store to get a few items that I knew it would have that I am not able to get through the grocery app. I tried looking for crumpets but they didn’t have them. I am glad I can order them. I bought Irish butter to put on them. My sister got me into it. It is expensive for a little tub but so worth it. I just had some with oatmeal bread that I bought. It was pretty filling than the other bread I bought. Now I am kind of torn because the other kind has thinner slices.

My allergic reaction seems to have cleared up finally. My throat is back to normal and I don’t feel sick. I do have the damn ankle pain. My back didn’t like the morning’s adventures to the store. The weather is about 20 degrees warmer than it has been and that always wreaks havoc on my back. My spine is aching so bad. Ibuprofen seemed to help. I have been taking more of it lately. The temp is only going up and then I don’t know what it is going to do. I just know either way, I am going to hurt.

I have been trying not to think of ending my life soon. Yet I cannot fathom continuing this existence with this pain. I feel like I wasted this month because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I still have a week to find out the information I need to find out. I have no appointments next week. Sometimes that is a good and bad thing. It’s good because I don’t have to leave the house and yet bad because I don’t have to leave the house. The weather is supposed to be nice so I may go to Starbucks Monday and maybe try to write something other than in my journal. I never made my checklist of things I need to do before I die. I guess the more I put if off, the less real it becomes. Then there are times like the other night where I just set on ending things next week, period! Fuck everything and just let me die.

My psychiatrist emailed me saying she was sorry I couldn’t make it in yesterday. She asked when would I like to come in. My first response is always never or when do you want me to come in. I might see if I can see her next week as I need a refill. I emailed her that in the beginning of the email but she didn’t do it. It’s always an email tag to get another appt and get my meds refilled.

it sucks when the bipolar part of me comes out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It sucks when the Bipolar part of me comes out

Past few hours, I have been keyed up. My thoughts are racing. I am thinking of a million things to do at once. Around 2300, I decided to make burritos so I could have them in the morning. I made four and ate one. One burrito was pathetic as I didn’t put enough egg in it. I had fun making them. I thought it was a good distraction for my pain but I was wrong. Soon as I tried to settle down, my pain got bad. I listened to a podcast and that helped some.

I took some more pain meds and was going to turn in. I had to move my stupid pillow that likes to make a break for my nightstand. Somehow moving it caused my fricken ankle and foot to go berserk on me. Now I am in pain again. Glad I took my pain meds. If I could walk, I would probably go for one right now because I just need to burn off this energy influx that I have. I hate when my Bipolar part of me gets activated. I probably will be feeling up for a day or so and then crash like I always do. I know not sleeping the past few nights caused this to happen. Also this time of year.

It’s so weird because it’s like my mood took a complete 180. The other night I was swimming in despair and now I feel on cloud nine. I am in pain but it isn’t quite affecting my mood so much. I can handle it a little bit better. Yet I still want to end my life. I am just trying not to dwell on it so much right now because things have shifted. I know it is temporary. I will probably feel like shit tomorrow and not want to get out of bed. I need to go into town though. I have to get my meds squared away. Fricken hate this sometimes but it is a necessary evil.

I feel like having another cup of tea but I know if I do, I probably won’t sleep at all. I really am on a tea kick. I don’t know why. I should make coffee tomorrow and see if I can drink it. I have been wanting to see if I could drink it but I am not sure. I think the new French press might have changed the way the coffee tastes. It has a new filter so the right amount of coffee is being filtered. I am just wondering if it is taking the flavor away as well. Or maybe I am not using the right amount of water. I don’t know. I had it down pat the water to coffee ratio. Now I think I have to adjust because it is a new press. Maybe I am off by an ounce or something. I hate playing with it. I wish the beaker had markings on it saying how much water you are putting in. I have just been going by the wordings on the container. Not a good measure, I know. But on my old one, that was how I knew I put just the right amount of water to coffee.

I just emailed my psych telling her I am hypomanic. I told her I don’t expect it to last. Thank fucking god I don’t get paid this week. God only knows what shit I would buy from Amazon. One of the Twitter people I follow had an Amazon suggestion for a pine coffin. HOLY SHIT! That is all I need to know. I can build my own coffin! I want a pine coffin anyway. I don’t need the fancy shit. Just put me in the box and then in the furnace. It said it was good for cremations. It was $600 though. I don’t have that much dough left over after I pay all my bills. If I skim, I usually have around $200 or so. I am trying to lower my grocery order to less than $150. I want to make cauliflower buffalo bites so need the ingredients for it. I think my mother and I will like it. I am just worried the stuff is not going to stick to it because according to the directions, all it needs is water on the cauliflower and then you dip it in flour and then flax seed. I don’t know if there is more to it than that. I had the recipe up but I had to restart my laptop because it was being a fink. I will be so damn happy when my other laptop gets fixed. Then I can shove this POS in the toilet. Actually, probably not as I don’t want to wreck the plumbing.

My ankle and foot are really fucking hurting me. Making those burritos was not a good idea, even though my belly is happy. I need more picante sauce. I had to order it. I just hope I have enough until next week. If not, I know Walgreens has it. I can pick it up later today when I go out, which might be in twelve hours from now. Fucking fuck. IF I get to sleep. I bet my mother is going to fucking call at 8 asking me to put on her socks. I hate doing it only because you have to wear these thick gloves that have special contacts on them to make putting on the socks easier. They do help so the sock doesn’t slip so easily. But they are so damn tight and hard to take off. Putting them on is hard too.

The podcast I heard tonight was Terri Clark and Sara Evans, two country music artists. They were talking about how females were basically being shut out of commercial country and they are. All you hear on the radio are male artist and that bitch Miranda Lambert, who got all the fricken female awards at the ACMs. Carrie Underwood is big but Miranda is a slimeball. In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like her much. She just looks like a bitch. I miss the radio days where you did hear Terri, Sara, Martina McBride, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and others from the 90s. Maybe I am just an oldie. But their music was good and made you get into a groove. I like the male artists but like Terri and Sara was saying, they all sound the same. And they do. They don’t have a distinctive voice like Chris Stapleton or George Jones. Tim McGraw has come a long way but he is moving toward pop like the rest of them. Taylor I can’t say. I will love her always, even though her videos are like WTF. She has moved to pop, too though she is trying to go back to country, so they say. I think she will have some competition with bitch face Lambert. I heard she is doing something with Sugarland. That will be interesting because Jennifer Nettles and Kristain Bush are wonderful songwriters. I really can’t wait for their album but I think it will come out after I am gone. Even country radio has changed. I started listening to WKLB in 1993 when they first aired. They had many personalities and the only one that has remained throughout the years has been Carolyn Kruse. She is a sweetheart. I was sad to see Lori Grande, Keith Stephens, JW, and Steve Kelly leave. I don’t know if they were fired or left voluntarily because their contracts were up. We’ll probably never know. I know a lot of their fans were hurt. I know that if Kruser leaves, I won’t listen to the station anymore, which will kind of stink because I won’t know new music coming out from new artists. I follow a lot of my favorite artists so I keep a float with their new stuff. But the others, like Cam, I would probably miss if it weren’t for the radio. I found out Cam came out a couple of years ago. She had a Grammy for her song Burning House. I never knew that.

some good news, some pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Some good news, some pain, and other things

I woke up again around 3 am to pee but was able to get back to sleep. I honestly have no idea how I didn’t end up in the floor of my bathroom as I was catching myself going back to sleep while on the can. My med alarm went off at 0715 which I just changed to 0850. I took my meds and then dozed off, waiting for my mother to call to put her socks on. The call never came and I lightly slept. When I woke up at noon, I was totally disoriented to what the hell day it was. It was raining pretty good and the wind was splattering the rain against my window, which at times was startling me.

I went downstairs and found the stove dismantled. My mother was cleaning it. Guess making burritos or tea for that matter, wasn’t happening. I was kind of dizzy but wanted some food. I heated up the pancakes I made yesterday. They were okay for day old pancakes. I didn’t drink anything with it because I was too tired to get something to drink. I chugged some powerade when I went back to my room. I also took pain meds. I must have been on my bed for about an hour or so when the atrophied part of my ankle just went nuts. I hurt so bad, I cried. I kept thinking about killing myself. I just can’t go on like this. I wrote a post on Facebook about how animals are treated more humanely than humans.

I took some pain meds and the pain settled down. I wanted some lunch so made a pizza. I finally found the right temperature to make it crispy. I sort of forgot about it when the timer went off because my mother was busy with the stove and wanted me to put the things I bought her on the pilots. They are a removeable thing that makes cleaning up easier. I checked on my pizza and it was almost burnt so I got it just in time.

My mother was making chicken for dinner and I wanted to make the red potatoes I bought. I washed them and cut them up, ready for my mother to make them when she was making dinner. I then went back upstairs. I rested for a bit. I was suddenly drained. I felt like I had the flu but not really. I couldn’t believe how wiped I was. I wanted to sleep but knew my mother would call me soon as I got to sleep saying that supper was ready. It takes me at least 45 minutes to get to sleep. I was on my phone when a FB message came from someone I wasn’t friends with. The message was from a teacher asking if I was the author of Darkness Always Wins. A student of hers wanted to use one of my stories for prose. She was asking whether the work was fiction or not. I told her it wasn’t as it was based on my experiences of mental illness. She thanked me and said my work was touching. I was so flattered that a student in Texas read my book and wanted to expand on it. I have no idea if the student was high school or college level. I guess maybe high school. I didn’t ask as I was just happy someone liked my work. I haven’t sold many books but some of the writing is from my blogs.

My mother told me I had to clean up after dinner. Fuck. I was really dizzy and needed a cup of tea. I made a cup and my mother wanted coffee so I made her a cup as well. When I was done with my tea, I washed the dishes. Normally I don’t use the dishwasher but today I did as I didn’t feel like washing. That is what it is there for, right? I loaded it and then just washed the pans. I even put the utensils in the washer. HA, it was an easy clean up.

The baseball game for today was cancelled due to rain. There isn’t a game until tomorrow late night as they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games. Game time isn’t until 10 pm. I need to sleep so I probably won’t be listening if I drift off before then. We will be playing the Angels and our first game is with their new ace pitcher Ohtani. I don’t know where he is from but the static about him is fierce. I don’t remember who we have pitching tomorrow. I want to say Price but I could be wrong.

I think my experiment of splitting my meds is over. I can’t handle the dizziness anymore. So it will be back to “eating a meal”. I just wish my meds didn’t make me so bloated after taking them. It is like eating a meal after taking the 12 or so pills. I also need to vamp up my fiber tomorrow. It has been more than a few days since I had a bowel movement. I know it is partially my fault because I got things loose and then stopped the senna for a night. Now I can’t go at all. I had two doses of fiber yesterday and still nothing today. I would take the fiber tonight but one time it started to work at like midnight and then I was going until 2 in the morning. Not a good idea. Thank you CES for causing my bowels to become so unpredictable and to keep going. I hate when this happens. I won’t go for days and then when I do, I can’t stop. Make up your fricken mind, bowels!