bitch rant

Bitch rant

I’m not in a good mood right now. I made my dessert and then cleaned up afterwards. I washed all the dishes that were in the sink while my dessert was setting in the fridge. I am in a lot of pain now. I took some pain meds but my feet got cold and when I put on my thermal socks, the elastic aggravated my ankle. I am hurting all over the damn place. Now my toes are fucking hurting. I can’t stand it anymore!! I don’t know why I am so strung out.

After I cleaned up, I took a shower and had to cut my toe nails. My foot did not like that. I didn’t do a good job on my big toe. It’s rough and uneven. I can’t seem to fix it without pain so when it settles down, I will try and file it. I can’t even touch my own foot. It just hurts too much.

I took my night meds after I filled my box for the week. I feel very depressed that I am in pain. I also feel suicidal. I won’t do anything tonight. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever do anything. I seem to make all these fucking plans but never go through with them. Pisses me off so much. I just want to fucking die right now and I can’t go through with it all because I can’t fucking walk. I am so pathetic.

I got shit from my mother tonight because I didn’t want to call my brother in law to throw the trash over the porch. I didn’t have shoes on and the porch floor has pebbles on it. I didn’t want to get them on my bare feet because they stick. So my mother had a fit. Tough shit. She can take care of it tomorrow. I don’t fucking care.

I don’t know why I am so fucking low tonight. I know it’s partly because I am so much pain. I never get a break from it. If I do, it’s only for a few hours. Most of the time it is while I sleep. If I could sleep all day, that would be great but I can’t. I am so tired of being in pain. I really wish I was dead.

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

I have been reading CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts edited by Craig Bryan, PhD and these are my thoughts about the book by chapter. I also describe what each chapter is about.

Chapter 1: Deals with the problem of suicide and how it’s on the rise. It also describes the difficulty of knowing what works and what doesn’t. The authors goes on to what the book is about and how CBT has been shown to be useful in some clients with suicide ideation.

Chapter 2: Describes the dreaded nomenclature of suicide attempts, ideas, suicidality, etc. The authors describe how the term SDV (self-directed violence) is a more accurate term and also other terms to decide pathways on treatment protocols. They term the entire suicidality as SDVCS-Self-Directed Violence Classification System. It is used by three large federal organizations- the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention), the VA (Veterans Administration), and the DOD (Department of Defense).

This chapter gives good examples of how different researchers, clinicians, and other professionals can use this classification system. I didn’t review the system pathways and yes/no guidelines because terms don’t mean that much to a suicide attempt survivor writing about my lived experience. I’m either suicidal or I’m not. I don’t need to classify and put myself into a category. But if you are a clinician/researcher or other academic interested in suicide prevention, the nomenclature is pretty good and better than what Silverman et. al. proposed in 2007 a and b (see this blog post on my thoughts about their terms).

Chapter 3 deals with what works and what doesn’t in suicide risk. It talks about studies pertaining to talking therapies and psychopharmalogical treatment of suicidal behaviors. I found this to be more of a review of what I know as of right now in terms of evidence based practices (EBP) and what is not. Some studies were really small and others were large. Most centered around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as that is a high risk group. What I found upsetting is that those with bipolar disorder or those that were psychotic were excluded from most of the studies. As I suffer from psychosis and bipolar disorder, my participation would not be included and I find that disappointing, especially since bipolar disorder and other psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia have a higher incidence of suicide than major depression alone.

Chapter 4 was an eye opening chapter that I really liked. It talked about all of the suicidologists that I have been following for the past eleven years. It discusses different theories and models of suicide and risk assessment. It also discusses protective factors of suicide such as reasons for living/dying. I found this chapter to be really good and a lead off to how all of the things talked about lead to the next chapter, which is a case example.

Chapter 5: In this chapter, a case is described step by step of a suicidal older gentleman and the cognitive steps, consent, etc. are used by a play by play dialogue. Things like safety planning, coping cards, and hope kit are discussed in detail and how to implement them in therapy using cognitive therapy.

Chapter 6 talks about a brief cognitive behavior treatment (BCBT) for inpatient units called PACT (Post Admission Cognitive Therapy). It discusses the criteria for engaging patient, pros/cons of treatment and how not everyone may be suitable for this type of treatment, e.g., those with active psychosis/mania.
It would be good if this could be implemented but as the treatment is 5-6 days and on average most admissions are 3 days, I don’t see how this is to be helpful. Discussion of staff resistance and burnout are also discussed.

Chapter 7: This was very interesting as I’ve never really read about military psychotherapy before. The chapter gives specifics on how to approach a veteran or active military personnel in crisis or dealing with suicidal thoughts. It talks in detail about Brief Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (BCBT) and the steps per session. Not all persons will respond within the 12 sessions. It is individualized for each person. The chapter also talks about hot to discuss lethal means safety and means restriction (see chapt 9 for more information; e.g., gun safety in particular). When the sessions are down to the last two and command of previous exercises are demonstrated to be efficient, end of therapy is initiated. Booster sessions are discussed in case of future crises should happen. I found this therapy to be specific not only for military but can be used for any type of suicidal behavior. It’s a collaboration between therapist and client.

Chapter 8: Emergency departments are the top places suicidal people end up, either with an attempt, ideation, or crisis. Sadly, if the right precautions are not set (e.g., inpatient care or some type of follow up care), individuals are more than likely to die by suicide.
This chapter talks about the challenges and brief interventions that can be initiated so that death by suicide does not occur after a visit. The authors describe specific suicide safety planning that is individualized for that person to help them cope with stress that makes suicide appealing. It also gives crisis numbers, either a trusted person they can talk to in time of need and/or the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255, text 741741 (US only)). Once a little role play is done and the individual can demonstrate they will use this plan, patients are discharged to follow up outpatient care.
Only trouble I have with this approach is that not all EDs are equipped with mental health professionals and don’t have the 30-45 minutes or so it would take to implement the safety plan, even though it is crucial this should happen.

Chapter 9: As more and more evidence is building that suicidal individuals are seeing a primary care provider prior to death by suicide, it’s become imperative that PCPs have the training to ask patients for means restriction. The author suggests several ways to initiate the conversation and lists steps to do this. If patients are resistant, the use of motivational interviewing techniques are employed. The end result is a means restriction receipt where PCP and patient have agreed to restrict their lethal means. If possible, a supportive person is asked to help secure the means.

Chapter 10: This chapter talks about the use of psychotropic medication and the use of CBT or BCBT in suicidal patients. To date, there has not been studies where therapy and medication has been shown to be effective in reducing suicide risk. It is suggested that despite the thoughts and black box warnings of the FDA, suicide ideation is still likely to occur of not treated or dealt with at the beginning of pharmacological treatment. The author also discusses the risk of substance use and dependence disorders that can increase the risk of a suicide attempt. PTSD has also been discussed as hyperarousal states can increase suicide risk.

Concluding thoughts: Overall, I found this book to be extremely helpful, concise, and important in the prevention of suicide attempts. With the right intervention at the right time, Brief CBT can help decrease the suicide risk and possibly the overall suicide rate.

bad physical pain day

Bad physical pain day

I did way too much yesterday and the day before. I tried resting but my damn allergies kept me up. I did take a nap, eventually. My Achilles is really painful. After I had supper, I iced it. It helped to numb it so I could bear weight on it. I am completely miserable today.

Last night I went off on my psychiatrist. I told her I didn’t want to see any doctor including her. I am tired of seeing them. She responded today asking if I was serious. I told her I was just frustrated at not being heard and being dismissed all the time with my concerns. I told her I would see her tomorrow for our scheduled appointment but to have tissues ready. I have been crying a lot lately because of pain and because I am just so upset at the medical profession. Why did people chose this profession if they are not going to be helpful?

It’s hot and humid so I just turned on the AC so I could freeze my ass off. I hope it helps the allergies as I have been stuffed up and coughing most of the day. I thought when I woke up this morning, I was getting a cold. It cleared up after I used my Flonase. I am just miserable and I have been taking my pain meds but it’s not helping my Achilles at all. I feel so upset with this. I bought another $25 worth of pens last night as retail therapy. I bought a 12 pack and a single pen that I like. I want this one to be in my carryon bag that I take with me when I go out.

I took 900 mg of Neurontin after my mother rudely woke me from a sound sleep to find out where my childhood friend now lives. I was so annoyed. She knows I have been in a lot of pain yesterday. I had a hard time sleeping despite taking my night meds early. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so tired. I didn’t fall asleep till around midnight, six hours after I took my meds. I had to take another Ativan to calm down. The Neurontin is helping with the burning pain, even though it’s making my waistline bigger. I weighed myself yesterday and found I had gained 10 pounds in a week. This med just adds weight, even if you don’t eat more than you usually do. Then when you stop it, you lose the weight, or some of it anyway. I hate it but it works so I can’t do anything about it.

I’m feeling really depressed and at times I just want to kill myself because I feel so worthless. If I can’t walk, what is the point of living? I just want to go to my spot and end it. I might this weekend if my pain lets up. I will tell my psych this. I don’t care. I know I am going to bawl when I see her. I just am so upset at my PCP.

Both ankles are hurting me but my left is hurting me more than my Achilles. The game is on as to which part of my ankle/foot is going to hurt more with my left. My ankle will start hurting and then it will move down to my metatarsal bones. These are the major bones in the foot. My last three always hurt when they flare. I have already taken two strong pain pills to quiet down my Achilles but it didn’t do anything. I am feeling hopeless that nothing is working for my right ankle. My mother saw how swollen it was and saw the lump. I am tempted to just get a sharp knife and cut it out. Maybe then my Achilles will stop hurting me.

I ordered my favorite dinner, pizza and fries. I only ordered half a pizza and I am glad I did because I’m the only one that wanted a second slice. My mother and niece ate the fries and one slice each. I like when there is no left overs because I am the only one that usually eats it.

My Red Sox gear that I ordered finally came. I bought another hat and a hoodie. I know summer is coming but it’s a lightweight hoodie for cool nights. Plus I can use it as the temps keep fluctuating to cold even though it’s fricken June! My left ankle is not happy that I went down and up two flights of stairs. Stupid fucking CRPS!

frustrating doc appt and cookies

Frustrating doc appt and cookies

I had my quarterly appointment with my PCP this morning. It didn’t go well as the jerk didn’t listen to me or pain concerns. He was reluctant to give me a month’s supply of my strong pain meds and things I have “hyperalgesia”, which means the pain meds are increasing my pain. I don’t think that is happening because pain it brought on when I stand or move my damn ankle. He gave me a referral to the CRPS specialist and wants to hear what she says before making any treatment changes. I see him again in four fucking months.

I am so frustrated. Idiot won’t give me a month supply, fine, I’ll just request a refill every fucking two weeks until he changes the damn count of the meds. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. He didn’t want to listen to how bad the pain was, especially when I told him it was bringing on suicidal episodes for me. He just asked if I was in contact with my psych and that seemed to make everything okay. WTF. I don’t see her for pain control. I see HIM! If my damn pain levels weren’t so damn high, my suicidal episodes would be less. Sure I would still be suicidal but it wouldn’t be every time my pain is a 15, especially when my flares are becoming more frequent, with no rhyme or reason.

I was hurting and tired when I came home but decided to make cookies anyway. It was a recipe I haven’t tried before so I didn’t know what to expect. The recipe said it would take 15 minutes to cook. It turned out to be close to a half hour or so and my mother increased the temp of the oven 25 degrees above what they said. Then they cooked. I made them a little bit too big and thick. The smaller ones were cooked more than the bigger ones. I am disappointed because they didn’t come out right. I might trash them. I was going to give them to my psych but I’m not now because they just didn’t cook right. I am frustrated because I aggravated my damn Achilles while making them. My back is also hurting, but it was hurting since this morning. I somehow aggravated my sciatica and it didn’t help that the doc was poking me in the back to see where I hurt.

I am really tired. There wasn’t much of a mess and I tried to clean up the best I could. My mother is making dinner and I am not hungry because I had two cookies plus the dough so I am full. I loved the dough more than the cookies. I might have some of the teriyaki chicken breast that I bought the other day if I get hungry later.

I think my mother’s taste buds are going because she couldn’t taste the butterscotch in the cookies. I put 2 packages of butterscotch pudding mix in the batter. I could taste it. She said all she tasted was dough. I don’t know. Just pissed me off more than I was already.

I sent another email to my psych and now I am crying out of the frustration of being in pain and not having a caring doc. He isn’t a jerk or anything, just inexperienced I think to deal with the complexity of my situation. I miss my former PCP so bad. I rather be nervous about my weight with him than deal with this incompetent young doc who I don’t think trusts me enough to judge my pain and how I manage it. I really think if he saw me more it would increase his awareness of just how bad my pain is and how to deal with it. The meds work and I don’t think I am getting hyperalgesia from them. I also said so in my email to my psych. She should know what this young doc is saying. I get his hesitancy to treat me but is it worth him signing my death certificate because he is under treating me? I was very up front with my former PCP about this and he understood that even though I was under the care of my psychiatrist and therapist I still had low suicidal moods that centered around my pain and suffering. He really wanted to help me and make me “better”, though there was nothing more that could be done. I have tried PT and injections. They just made my pain worse. I have seen countless docs. I hope the specialist can offer me something worthwhile but I am not holding my breath. The worst thing she can say is that I don’t have CRPS but just a pain syndrome. I think that will devastate me and might put me over the edge. I have been fighting this pain for so long now that I am just so sick of it. It makes me tired and cranky and suicidal at times. I can’t just stay at home all the time and stare at my four walls or write endless blogs. I need to go out some time and have a routine of some sort.

Tomorrow I don’t have nothing on my agenda and I am just going to rest. I see my psych on Friday so I want my Achilles pain to calm down some. I really don’t have a treatment for that other than taking ibuprofen and resting it. When it’s really bad, I have to take a couple of strong pain pills to quiet it down. Baking didn’t help it any but it’s not as painful as it was yesterday.