Tag: therapist

writing on a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing on a Monday

I’ve had two cups of coffee to ward off tiredness and the second cup has finally fueled my fire! Tomorrow evening I will be going to a webinar about writing as a caretaker. I hope this helps with some of the frustration I get with my mother and her chronic health issues, particularly her diabetes and chronic pain. The person leading the webinar is a renowned writer at the Massachusetts General Hosp. I have known her for years, by name only so this will be a treat to finally meet her. I took out my portfolio and was glad to find that one of my favorite pens was inside. That will be excellent writing material.

My appointment with my therapist is less than 3 hours from now. I am kind of nervous about going as I am in a bitchy mood. I want to text my therapist to tell her this but last time it didn’t go well and I got more angry and annoyed. It has only been a week since I last saw her but it feels like ages.

I just emptied my bladder and I am having pain. I don’t understand why. I wasn’t that full. I was just emptying my first cup of coffee. I will be emptying my second in a couple hours. I also need to brush my teeth. I bought Listerine so I can try and get rid of this canker in the back of my mouth. I know salt and water would probably work but it makes me gag so I rather use mouthwash.

I am finally out of the haze the flu shot put me under. Past few days have been rough with me sleeping all day. Today I am feeling a little more alert. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 6 and gave up as I was just resting my eyes and not really snoozing or sleeping. I had woke up to pee around 4 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I probably will take a nap after therapy. I usually do.

I wore underwear and a pad last night. So far, pad is clean. No discharge, which is awesome. I am waiting for the nurse to call as she said she would check in with me. I hope it is before my appointment with my therapist. She also wants to call to see how my wound is. I think it is better as it has closed up. I have a band aid on it right now to keep it clean.

I am going to try and keep myself hydrated today. I have been really bad about that the past few days because I was sleeping on most of the day. I have to clear the recycles that have been accumulating on my bed and empty my bedside trash. Sox are off tonight. They have eleven games left in the season. They have a chance of playing in the wild card if they continue to win games. I already am feeling nervous about these final games. Going to need Ativan for listening to them.

Three weeks post op hysterectomy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria

Three weeks post op hysterectomy

I had an appointment to see my surgeon this morning and got up late. I just finished my coffee when I had to rush to get dressed and out the door to catch the bus. I was right on time for the appointment as the bus was late. The surgeon and I talked about my bladder and how things were going. I said I feel like I am being controlled by my bladder because I am so aware of it all the time and on a schedule to go. She said this wouldn’t be forever and to resume taking the tolterodine for bladder control. She said that while operating she could see that my bladder was inflamed from the nerve damage. We also talked about increasing the Neurontin. She agreed that taking it would help with the pain so I will be taking a dose in the afternoon and at bedtime. She also said that if I have a big day to take an ibuprofen before leaving for it. She wants to see me in four weeks unless something comes up beforehand.

I came home from the appointment and ordered Chipotle for lunch. I emptied my bladder but there wasn’t a lot of urine. I tried again after I ate and still nothing significant. I took some pain meds as I am in pain and the bladder is empty. I took a short nap kind of sitting up on the bed and my back didn’t like it. So now my back hurts.

Over the weekend I sent a message to my neuro telling her about the increase in nerve pain in my thigh. She just got back to me and looks like I will be getting an MRI to see if the L2-L3 herniation is worse. Tomorrow I can call scheduling to schedule the test. I was able to find a lidocaine patch to put on it. I am so happy because I threw out the box that I had because they were expired. I don’t know how well this patch will work but will find out soon enough.

Yesterday I ordered a half black olive pizza and I have one slice left. That will be my dinner tonight. Or was. My sister threw it away. I am so angry at her for doing it. I went downstairs to my other sister’s apt and had some pita bread with fig and some chicken that my niece didn’t want. Greek food is good.

I am so tired I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep even though it isn’t close to 7p yet. I usually take my night meds between 7 and 8p. I did a lot of walking today at my appointment. I then went to Starbucks for a mocha and a pumpkin scone, my first of the season. There is no Sox game tonight so I am glad I don’t have to be up till late. Their games have been averaging at least four hours these days. Long time for a ball game but they also have gone into extra innings some nights.

On a fun note, I colored a page from a coloring book called It’s about to get real unprofessional last night when I couldn’t sleep right away. It is themed as interns should get paid at their sites rather than not, which happens most of the time. It really sucks for a financially strapped grad student working on their final degree. The page has been retweeted a few times and I think that it’s great to give them the exposure so that more books can possibly get sold. Coloring has been a good distraction for me. It also helps me to relax from anxiety and overwhelm. My therapist replied to my message about being overwhelmed with gender dysphoria. She said to journal and write to organize my thoughts. Sometimes I am not able to do that but coloring helps to calm me down enough so I can write. I don’t know why I have been having trouble writing when I am upset. During certain times I am able to but others it is like I write a sentence and then I go blank. My thoughts become frozen and I am unable to carry on with journaling. It is very frustrating as a writer for this to happen. I am glad that this blog has helped me overcome some of the frozen thoughts as I have been able to write at least 500 words most days. If I do less, I do less. Some days I can’t so I just post a picture of an animal.

Tomorrow I see dermatology to get my skin moles looked at. I am kind of nervous about getting there because I have to take the Orange line and then a shuttle bus to get there. It is going to be a long day.

therapy and self-validation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression

Therapy and self-validation

Today has been a day. I had woken up around 330 because I had to pee. I made sure my bladder was empty and didn’t drink anything after I cathed around 2130 so in the 6 hours I had made urine and it had to be emptied. I kept on having weird dreams about going to the lab to drop off a urine specimen and the first sample was robbed. When I went to give another one, all the bathrooms were locked. You needed a key code to unlock it. I woke up groggy and hung over. I didn’t want to get up but I wanted coffee before therapy so I got up. I really need to start getting up when I wake up, as long as it isn’t between the hours of 12-4a. I am willing to get up at 4 if I know I can nap, which I usually can.

Therapy went a little stressful. We continued our conversation from last session about self-care and coping skills. We spent the entire session talking about how to use coping skills and such. I told her that my sister invalidated me and there is no way in fucking hell she is ever going to have compassion for me being disabled so I got to learn self-validation to overcome the feelings. It is something I am to work on till our next appointment.

After session, I took a shower. It was much needed as I was all sweaty and stinky. I shaved and trimmed my hair a little bit. I did the right side better than the left. The shower caused me so much pain. The shaving caused my arms to flare up so washing my hair caused my upper back to cramp up. My feet were bothering me or cramping because of me shift weight on them. The shower mat doesn’t cover all of the shower floor so I had to be mindful of where I stepped or I would slip. Drying off I almost fell forward as I almost lost my balance. It was not a good experience. I was exhausted and needed a little nap before heading to the pharmacy to get my meds. It was ok resting but I didn’t sleep.

After the rest I went to the pharmacy. I did ok getting there but on the way home I was short of breath. It got worse as I walked home. I tried to slow my pace down but it didn’t matter. I got within three houses of mine and had to stop to rest. I took the mask off so I could breathe better. After a few minutes, I continued home and then rested on my front porch. The mail came so I sorted it as I sat down. Once I could breath again at a somewhat normal pace, I went into the house and went up the stairs where I lost my breath again. I washed my hands like I always do when I come home. I had dropped off my sister’s mail at her apartment and then took a bottle of water which I immediately downed. I rested in my kitchen for a bit, trying to recover. I was thankful my mother was in the other room so I didn’t have to talk to her. Once I finished my bottle of water and was breathing normally, I went upstairs to my room. I cooled off as I was sweating from the exertion and heat.

I had a cup of coffee and some yogurt after my shower but after the trip to the pharmacy, I was really hungry so I ordered Chinese food. I wanted my Kung Pao dish that I have been ordering lately. It is the same restaurant and I get it reordered from UberEats. It was awesome and now I am just going to rest the rest of the evening listening to Taylor Swift. I think I am going to color in my coloring book for a bit as there is no game tonight. I am wicked tired but I don’t think I can sleep. I have surgery in 9 days. I hope it helps these cramps that I have been having the past two days. It has been awful. I go for my urine test on Wed. I ordered my groceries so I will have them delivered tomorrow afternoon. I want to make sure I have enough Gatorade because I won’t be able to lift things for several weeks after surgery. I just re-read the post op instructions and it will be six weeks before able to lift anything greater than 10 pounds. Which means I won’t be able to do the weight exercises like I have been doing. Damn. I also can expect to be tired for up to 4 weeks after surgery. Great. I will be taking a lot of naps I guess.

it takes everything in me just to get up each day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

it takes everything in me just to get up each day

today I am a total wreck. I am wicked emotional, riding a rollercoaster. One minute I am ok the next I am wicked sad the next I am wicked angry. I have to stay off of Twitter because it is bringing me down with the Covid cases and idiot people that won’t get a vaccine for preposterous reasons. I blame Fox news for most of the misinformation out there.

Yesterday my thigh seized up. I don’t know what I did or if it is a reaction to the testosterone shot I gave myself on Wed. I spoke to my PT about it and she thinks it is a tight quad. She told me what to do about it and I have been trying to do it but my groceries came and I aggravated it more by going up and down stairs. I am fucking hurting big time right now as the thigh is throbbing painfully. I have taken what I can to control this pain. I would love a nap but I hurt too much to lie down. I really just want to die right now because I can’t stand the fucking pain. Ankle is acting up too. Last night around 230 I woke up with my calf cramping on me. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so I decided to color for a bit. It helped to get my mind off the pain as I waited for the meds to work. Unfortunately, I didn’t really succeed in sleeping after coloring because then I woke up to pee. I have been up since 530 as I gave up on sleep. I had my coffee around 0600. I also had a bowl of cereal. I had energy this morning but now I feel so spent. I also went to the post office and the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My BT meds won’t be ready till Monday because they are short four pills. I could have them but then I would be short. I rather wait till Monday to pick up the full order because there is no way I am going to get another script for four pills. I have enough to carry me through so I am not too worried.

The walk took out my lower back. I was hurting big time. I am hoping my PT can work her magic on my lower back to ease it up or do some dry needling to get it to stop cramping on me. I will ask her on Tuesday when I see her again. She has been the best PT I have ever had, next to the other one I had before her. She was great, too.

I had therapy yesterday. It didn’t go so well. We talked about working on my trauma issues and she has some reservation about doing it because I am not that great with doing coping skills outside of therapy sessions. I admit that I am terrible at it mostly because I don’t know what to do half the time. It is easy to say do coping skills but there are so damn many how do you choose when you are at your breaking point? I got at the frustration point today because of pain and decided to write a blog. That has been always a go to for me but I have to be careful about writing about how suicidal I am feeling because I have had police show up at my door. I don’t know if what I wrote on the blog that day is what sent the police to my door as I wrote on multiple platforms that I was suicidal, any number of which could have had someone call the police on me. So I tend to keep the strong urges off social media.

I took an Ativan with my BT med and feel much calmer than I did before. Ativan has a way of righting the ship. I use it sparingly but I guess I should use it more often when I feel perturbed. My pain levels have gone down some so that is good. Game is on in a couple of hours. They have been on a losing streak as of late. I know we will be okay once something shifts but I don’t know what that is. Our pitching has suffered greatly since the stupid sticky ban. Don’t understand why you would enforce something midseason instead of at the start of the year. SO fucking stupid.

So because I can’t use my coping skills wisely, doing trauma work is kind of off the table right now. Plus with my surgery coming up it might be difficult to do the work. I have a feeling I might have to miss a session or two because I won’t be able to sit properly. It will be a good break for me.