Tag: therapy

hodgepodge of thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I sent a message to my therapist last night. I didn’t expect her to answer it but I wanted to send it so I have something to talk about on Monday when I see her. I told her a couple of reasons why the suicidal ideations were increasing. I just feel bad about myself because physically I am unable to do the things I used to do without exhaustion. I also feel bad because I have no control over my bowels like I used to. That is what is causing me to feel really horrible. I talked with my psychiatrist about it today. He was apologetic. We had a good conversation about things. He is a really nice guy. I like him. He seems very supportive. I told him one of the things my therapist was harping on was being on medication and he said that his job was to make sure I was in therapy. I told him how my therapist said she was the GPS and I had to drive the car. Trouble was I didn’t know if I wanted to be in the car or not but with the suicidal ideation increasing, I made an appointment with her.

I had a productive day. I made all the phone calls that I needed to today. I rescheduled my appointment with PT. Gynecology called me to make an appointment. This is for my hysterectomy. I can’t believe that after 44 years I am finally going to lose the useless uterus. I also called my long term disability insurance for their annual update. I hated talking to them because I feel like they are always judging me. I had some changes in providers that they didn’t know about so it was good that things got updated.

I took a shower and shaved. My back again was not cooperative. I had bad cramps and had to sit down several times. My back feels tight and hurts. I want to nap but it is too late in the afternoon. I need to be up early tomorrow. I have an early appointment with PT, my last appointment for the week. I just set my alarm for the morning. I hate waking up before 10 to leave the house and shit. I barely function at that time. I got to make sure I eat something and have coffee. I had a hard time sleeping last night so I hope I can get to bed early tonight.

I started a new book called City of Brass. It is good. I like it. I finished Untamed the other night. It was a very good book. I also started a book about the Cold War. I have to read at least 2 books a month in order to finish my challenge that I started this year. I think I can do it because I tend to read when Twitter bores me or I want to avoid the stupidity of politics. I’ve also find that I sleep better if I read before bed.

therapy and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and stuff

I had a difficult therapy session today. I got blocked and told my therapist this and things just fell apart. It was toward the end of session. We talked about what I wanted therapy to be like and her thoughts were that if I wanted to get better, I had to change and to go about wanting to change. If I wanted to just see her for venting that was fine but I wasn’t going to get better by doing that. I just wanted to fucking run so damn fucking bad. She said she was the GPS but I was driving the car. I had to get in the car. I guess right now I am unsure whether I want to be in the car. We didn’t set up a following appointment. I told her I would get back to her when I wanted to and she was okay with this. I think I am going to take a break from therapy for a bit to sort things out.

We talked about my grief and how sad I was at the loss of my uncle and the anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I still am grieving her loss. November is birthday month and now it is also remembering that my aunt passed away. She died on my godfather’s birthday. I miss them both.

I told my therapist that I had hit a block when I was writing about my grief the other day. She gave me a new angle to look at it but then I became blocked during session. She wanted me to talk about my feelings and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it I think. This whole virtual therapy feels so awkward. I still am not used to talking after all this time. I find it kind of distracting. I’m either staring at myself with glances at my therapist or watching my therapist glance at me while her eyes are down. I hate watching myself because I hate the way I look.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face today. I also made coffee. My mother made mac and cheese so I had some of that. I wanted a grilled cheese but I still haven’t managed to make it yet. I am too afraid of burning it. I just had pumpkin pie for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking.

Tomorrow I have the pain psychologist meeting. I hope she can help me cope with my pain. I haven’t been doing so good with it lately and pain has been out of control some days. Last night I had to put on some diclofenac gel in order to quiet down the pain. It helped to bring it down some so I could sleep. I am not in too much pain today. I’ve been having to take gaba nearly every day for the past week. My appetite has been through the roof but I have been controlling it. It has been hard but possible.

sad news from the home land and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sad news from the home land and other things

I just got a text from my cousin who got a call from my cousin in Italy saying that my father’s surviving brother is not doing well. He just turned 94. I met him years ago when he came to America. A very gropy man with no shame. I hope he doesn’t die but his time might come. There will be no surviving family members when he goes. He is the last of the family to be living of 9 people. I am sad that he is not doing well. I hope he doesn’t go but I know that he is loved by all of us cousins.

I got a call from the pain clinic office. My appointment with the pain psychologist got moved to another psychologist at a later time the same day. I wanted to meet with the male psychologist because he wasn’t so true to CBT. This psychologist that I will be seeing is a CBT therapist. I already work with one so I don’t think it will work out. I am not liking CBT because it doesn’t allow for free association. I am having a hard time with therapy because not only is it virtual but I am attracted to my therapist a little bit. It is hard talking to her because I am afraid she will laugh at me and no matter how many times I try to overcome this fear, it never works out.

In my last session with my therapist, she said that I am not accepting my mental illness and it is harming me. She sees accepting it fully as wanting to change it. I don’t see it that way. I think I have accepted it and just think it is what it is. I honestly don’t see things changing but she has me do skills and meditation videos. I am supposed to do one meditation video per day until I see her next. I think I found one that I can do. I looked at YouTube for 5 minute ones. Yesterday I looked at this one when I was feeling down. It didn’t change anything but I felt calmer afterwards.

Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. It was a nice walk as it was gorgeous outside. I like this weather because it is easier to breath in. I am not so winded when I came home. I don’t know if it is because I was wearing a different mask or not. I had a Red Sox one that I washed and now it is missing. I am so mad about this. I had three masks and they are missing now. I don’t know what happened to them. I also had one that a friend made me and it is missing, too.

I need to take a shower one of these days. I have been so bad about taking them. Past few weeks I just been taking one per week. Most of the time I wait until I stink before I take one. Taking a shower is very exhausting for me and sometimes painful as my back can cramp up on me, forcing me to sit down a few times. I don’t like showering for this reason. I used to love taking a shower but now it is such a chore.