Tag: therapy

a rainy day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A rainy day of pain

It is cold and rainy today. My back has been cramping like crazy. I just gave in to meds that were better than the Zanaflex I was taking. I had to take a pain med because my ankle flared up. I don’t know why as I haven’t been on my feet that much. But I did manage a shower so maybe the water aggravated it. I don’t know what triggers the pain. If I did I would avoid doing it. I canceled PT for today because I didn’t feel up to it. I had therapy. I told her that I was having suicidal thoughts again. They have been passing thoughts, thankfully. None have stuck around long enough to do anything more than wish I was dead.

My therapist always asks what to do about helping me get better. She suggested I try meditation so I agreed to look for something that would work. She wants me to do one thing of it every day. She thinks that because I am not accepting of my illness that it is harming me. I don’t see how it can harm something that you don’t want to accept but then again, I have not fully accepted that I have a severe form of mental illness. There are parts of it that I do accept but it is hard. I have been dealing with this for more than 30 years. I have accepted that I need medication for my illness. I realized that back when I was 16. Doesn’t make it easy to take them sometimes though.

I can’t believe how much I am hurting today. I hope the way the weather is doesn’t hold that I can’t stand cold weather. I love the cold. But my body has not been so accepting of it in recent years. It gets worse with every winter. I just hope it is because of the rain my back has been cramping so damn much today. Even while laying down I have been hurting. Sucks.

Twitter has been difficult today because of the SCOTUS hearing. I don’t like the nominee and I think she will be very bad for women’s and LGBTQ rights, which is why Dufuss picked her. I bet he thought we could be fooled because she is a woman. I just hope the VP doesn’t cast the last vote like the other person. It will suck if that happens. It will all come down to the few Rs that like changing their minds last minute.

The other day I finally mailed in my ballot for the election. Now I don’t have to worry about going to the polls. I was worried that I wasn’t going to get the mail in ballot on time. I like that my mother voted this election because it was mail in. Usually she doesn’t vote. I think the turn out is going to be better in recent years because of the mail in option, least in my state anyways. I hate hearing that some ballots are being rejected because the person is POC. I hate that there is such voter suppression in certain states.

random thoughts 08102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 08102020

I had therapy today and it got me more depressed. I felt like she was just placating me. It was a difficult session. I told her about crapping my pants and feeling ashamed about it but she didn’t say anything. I felt like she just dismisses my physical ailments because she doesn’t know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. She wants me to fucking talk but when I do, I am not validated in what I say. I just feel so depressed about the whole thing. I don’t know why I bother going to therapy or maybe I have the wrong therapist. I don’t know. I have been working with her for over a year now. She wants to just solve all the difficulties in my life with skills and I am sorry sometimes I just need to be heard not fix what I say.

We agreed I should write more and frankly, I am tired of trying to write because I get stuck often and it is difficult to continue writing. I often write something emotional and then have to stop writing because I get overwhelmed. Then I can’t go back to what I was writing. I get very frustrated with this. So I think my solution is to try and write a in a letter format. I think that if I try writing to someone, say my therapist, it might be easier. So if you should see a “Dear Therapist” post, know that it is just me trying to write my emotions better.

Took a shower today and it killed my back. I have been in agony since. It is so frustrating. Because my sister tested positive for Covid, I am having a virtual session of PT tomorrow. I am trapped in my house. I need to go food shopping again because we are out of ketchup. My cousin hasn’t called me to go and I am getting annoyed having to wait for him to call me. He said that if he felt like taking me he would call me so I guess he hasn’t felt like taking me because he hasn’t called. Fuck.

I’ve been in an irritable depressed mood since therapy. My mother and sister were arguing while I was in session and I just got depressed about it. They always seem to be arguing lately. I hate it when they argue because my mother gets so mad and I worry with her heart condition.

I am so exhausted because I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. I started falling asleep sitting up and stayed that way until I woke up with my neck hurting and then I laid down. I slept a couple of more hours before I woke up again to pee. I then stayed up for an hour or so before I went back to sleep only to wake up a couple of hours later. I gave up sleeping because I had my therapy appointment and I didn’t want to oversleep. I had coffee and that sort of woke me up a little bit. I tried a new Pop Tarts thing called crisps. It was okay but not filling. I will have a regular pop tart next time.

Grocery Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Grocery day

I had my groceries delivered today. I tried taking them up the stairs by myself but I couldn’t. I had to have my nephew help me. I did way too much and am now paying for it with back spasms and pain. I just hope I didn’t do anything to compromise myself. I am just four weeks post op. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I was stupid to think carrying the bags was a great idea. I was winded after my first trip up the stairs. Today was warm and muggy which didn’t help me at all. I was sweating like a pig.

I had a late delivery because it was the only time that they had open. I ordered my groceries late because I woke up late yesterday. I was glad there was still open for today. I am resting now with the AC going. I think I will take a nap. I haven’t eaten anything all day except leftovers. It wasn’t really filling. I don’t know what to order. I might order from a local sub shop and have a pastrami sub with fries.

Last night I printed off the skill sheet of DBT that my therapist gave me. I have been trying to do it but doing it in spurts. She never responded to the message I sent her so I am not that keen on doing them daily like she wants me to. I see her Thursday. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist. I had asked for a med increase and he wanted to see me so I agreed. Voices have settled down some. I still have the stupid music running through my head constantly. OMG it is all Hamilton music and it shuffles songs. I am tempted to listen to the soundtrack again to make it stop temporarily. Listening to music tends to hold off on it. It is driving me crazy because it repeats all the time from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed. All fucking day long I have music in my head. And it plays like I have the MP3 player going. It is annoying but no medication has helped settled it down. It kind of did when I was on a high dose of the Invega. I don’t want to be on a high dose again. Too many side effects that I don’t like. I will stay on the dose I am on now. If it doesn’t work then I will switch to something else. I don’t want to increase it.

I couldn’t find the sub shop so I ordered Chipotle. I haven’t had it in so long. It will be good to have some rice and beans with steak. I love their burrito bowl. It is my favorite next to their actual burrito. I might get it later this week when I get my haircut. I haven’t decided which day I am going to go. Might be Thursday as my therapy appointment is in the late afternoon. I can go in the late morning and still be home in time.

Saturday Blog 12092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12092020

I changed the background on my zoom and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to have therapy with my therapist on Wed. I wanted to have something different than just looking at a wall in my room. Monday I need to call to schedule my PT appointment. I meant to call yesterday but it was not going to happen as I was so sleepy. Today I slept till almost 1500. I still had coffee. I needed it. I might end up going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I got another text from them saying my meds are ready for pick up. I feel too lazy today to go but I might force myself to go. I don’t know. If I go, I will get Oreo ice cream.

I need to shave today. I might do that later. I will be careful not to reopen my cut on my face. It is healing nicely. I want to wash my face today so maybe after I shave I will do that. I just hope my back cooperates and doesn’t cramp up on me. I should shower too but that may be too much. I get tired easily these days. I am still recovering from back surgery. I am to do activities to my tolerance and if things tire me out, then I need to rest, per doctor’s orders.

College football starts today. I don’t think the Buckeyes are playing. There are only 19 teams scheduled to play. I don’t know who is playing as I haven’t looked. I heard Iowa lost to Louisiana. That was an upset. I am not that interested this year in college football like I was in previous years. The virus has put a damper on my excitement about games. I just want to keep the players healthy. There are some nasty side effects of the virus if you get it and survive.

Hunter Hayes has come out with a song that is perfect for suicide prevention. I love it. It is called Invisible. I have been listening to it on repeat the past few days. He has been involved in this year’s World suicide prevention day. He was selling T-shirts to benefit some organization. I haven’t been involved this year because I just can’t right now. I am too hurt from my feelings and where I was a year ago. I wrote about it on Twitter. I still can’t believe that conviction I felt about ending my life is gone. I am less suicidal. I still think about it at times but it is more of a passing thought. It doesn’t hang around like it used to.

A few weeks ago my therapist gave me the low down on my illness and said that it was severe and that I needed treatment that included medication. She wasn’t backing down on this. I slowly have come to the realization that she is right. I do have a severe illness and it does require treatment. I had been in denial that it was severe because I thought I could handle it on my own in certain aspects of it. But I can’t be in denial anymore. I have to accept that I have severe depression. It is hard. It hasn’t been easy to accept. I am not sure I have fully accepted this. I am trying though. It is a challenge every day to get through it. Some days are easier than others. The fatigue of depression never seems to fade. But there are days were I am able to overcome its grip and carry on through the day. It might make me more exhausted as the day ends but at least I pulled through.