Tag: therapy

a little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

I don’t know where my blog is heading anymore. I tend to write more about my chronic pain than of anything else. And why not, it is always there, aching, throbbing away like no tomorrow. I am sick of it. Both my ankle and foot were competing as to who was going to hurt more and my foot won the contest. The three metatarsals (bones in the foot) that always bother me, are feeling like they are being crushed though there is no external pressure being applied whatsoever. I want to cry. I want to cut my ankle off.

I am depressed. Have been all day. I had texted my therapist asking if there was a time next week that would be suitable for us to talk and she responded that it didn’t look good. I am astounded that her schedule is so full. Used to be that we met three times a week. Now I can’t even have one? I am hurt. I just want to tell her forget it. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am going to end up killing myself either way so what would a session do? It’s not going to prolong my life. She has no clue what I have been planning mostly because she hasn’t been around. She decided that we needed to meet monthly. Not me. I didn’t have any say in the matter. Now I can’t get a bloody appointment to convince her otherwise. Fuck her and her stupid schedule.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. We are supposedly going to come up with a “plan” on how to go on without a therapist. Can’t wait to see what she thinks. I am in a terrible mood right now so forgive me if I go off on a suicidal tangent. I am going to tell her that it’s useless. In fact, I don’t know why she is even treating me as I am a hopeless case. There is no point. I have made up my mind and within a few weeks, I will be gone. I hope to be gone anyway. If I had a more lethal means, such as a gun, then I know I would be gone but I don’t have a firearm. Though if I did, I don’t think I could wait a few weeks.

Pain has driven me to this. I couldn’t even bear weight on my foot as I went downstairs to the bathroom. I tried to stay off the bad metatarsals but going up the stairs, that was hard to do. I didn’t want to spend a half hour going up each step one at a time so I painfully went up the stairs like a “normal” person. I just hope this pain is gone by tomorrow because I need to go out. I don’t think cancelling on my psychiatrist is going to fly, even though I think the appointment is hopeless and pointless. She gave me plenty of refills on my meds so I am good for the next month or two. Not that it matters. I don’t even know why I bother to continue to take my meds. I guess if I don’t, I might become more impulsively suicidal. Right now I can wait. Throw in some agonizing despair and that might change. I guess my meds are keeping that from happening. And I know what happens when I don’t take the trileptal regularly. I am off my fucking rocker.

I do have some what adequate pain control, but that isn’t the point of me wanting to kill myself. The fact that I HAVE to take meds to control my pain is the issue. I shouldn’t be in pain. There is nothing physically wrong with my ankle or foot as determined by X-rays and MRIs. Hell, it even looks normal. I don’t get the discoloration you typically see with CRPS. Yet supposedly, this is what I have. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome. I know the pain isn’t in my head. Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I just know that I am in pain and I need pills around the clock to control it. And soon as the dose wears off, I am in agony again until I pop one or two pills. Then the waiting game begins as to how long it will take for the pain to stop. Sometimes, a couple hours after I take my regular pain pills, the pain will intensify. This is all while I sit comfortably in my bed. No stress being made on it. No bear weight on it. No movement, though sometimes I flex my big toe and all hell breaks loose. So then I have to take the strong pain pill because I can’t take the regular pain pill as I just took it. It’s a fun game that I am so tired of playing. Then my bowels are all screwed up from this strong pain pill.

If I was a “normal” person, sure taking a laxative or some other method to go move my bowels would be fine. But not with someone with Cauda Equina Syndrome. Hard stools and a sensitive rectum/anus is bad news. Nerve pain happens when you finally are able to move your hard bowels. It’s so painful, you just wish you would die on the spot. Then sitting is intolerable. Nerve pain goes on any where from one hour to many. And this is not mentioning the trouble of pushing the stools out because your system just doesn’t have the mobility to do so on its own. You feel like you are in labor trying to push a rabbit pellet out. And that is all you push out. Sometimes it is more than that, but I won’t go into details about it. It just hurts, more than your damn foot. It leaves you exhausted like you have done manual labor. You need to rest from all the pushing and the pain. Fun times. NOT.

A Day of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A Day of Pain

Yesterday my ankle gave out on me and it was very painful all night. I woke up around 0230 in pain and then I stayed up will around 0430 or so when the pain meds made me sleepy. I don’t remember the time I woke up this morning. It must have been around 0930 because I heard my mother go down the stairs to go to my aunt’s house. I was still in pain so I took more pain meds and then made breakfast. My mother had bacon and I made some scrambled eggs with cheese on toast. My sister was home from her mini vacation so I went downstairs to make my coffee. She said that she had a gift for me. It was an I love Aruba hat. It was cool. My foot started screaming at me so I went back upstairs to my room for it to quiet down. Except it never did.

Around noon time or maybe there after, I took some more meds and made lunch. My foot was really giving me fits. I ate quickly and then went back to my room where my foot then decided to explode. I was started to feel hopeless and just wanted to fucking die. I became suicidal and contemplated calling my psychiatrist. I didn’t know if she would call me back right away so I left that as my last option. I took my strong pain pill. And hoped to fall asleep. I laid down and my pain increased. I sat back up and wanted to cry.

The drowsiness of the meds wore off and by then it was supper time. I had some soup my sister made. It was good. And now I am hurting again because I went downstairs to her apartment and then back up the stairs to my room.

My mother went to the doctors today because she had some redness on her breast that was warm and hurting her. It turned out to be shingles. Except she doesn’t think it’s shingles because “she knows her body”. I know she is going to take one dose of the medication they gave her, it is not going to “work”, and she is going to stop taking it. I just hope I don’t get it because I touched the spot that was hurting her. I am going to call my doctor’s office tomorrow to see if I should get the shingles vaccine.

I had one of the books that I sent out returned to me today. I had put the wrong address for my cousin. I had the street right, just the number of her apartment building wrong. So I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail it to her. I am sure she is wondering where the hell the book is. I will send it out priority mail so she gets it sooner. I just hope tomorrow I am not in a lot of pain like I am today.

The pain is ridiculous today. I can’t move my toes because if I try, I will be in horrendous pain. Nothing can touch my foot. I am just fucking miserable. I am just glad I ate today as I barely ate yesterday. My PTSD was activated today because of the pain so that was fun. I had to take some Ativan to calm down. It helped with the suicidal urges I was feeling, too. My tolerance for the pain was way low today. I couldn’t bear it at all. It was driving me crazy. I tried to distract myself from it but I just didn’t have the energy to. I had used most of my energy last night as I tried to sleep. It wore me out so much so I am not surprised my pain tolerance was zero today.

My therapist got back to me late last night. Her schedule is “packed” so she doesn’t have a time for me, yet. She is “working” on it. I haven’t heard from her today and I doubt I will tomorrow. So there goes another week without therapy. I gave her an ultimatum, saying that if she didn’t give me a time, we were basically done. She is willing to talk to me but she needs to find a time to do it. I emailed my psychiatrist like at 4 in the morning while I was up to explain the situation because after my therapist texted me, I broke down again. I don’t think that helped my pain levels. If I had the impulsivity, I would seriously try to end my life tonight. But I don’t. I want to die but I don’t have the means. Fucking sucks. I will in a few weeks though. Then I will be out of my misery for good.

Therapy Troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy Troubles

I had talked with my psychiatrist about my therapist on Friday. She wanted me to reach out to her to try and see if our relationship could be salvageable. I left a voicemail message asking for a time to talk so we could work this out. I texted her this morning to check her voicemail and then around 1230, I get a text from her asking if I called any of the therapists she gave me. I fell apart. I felt she wasn’t hearing me, yet again. So I responded that I didn’t want another therapist, that SHE was my therapist and if we couldn’t work this out, to cancel our existing appointment. I’m done. I then cried for an hour waiting for a response that I still am waiting for.

While I was waiting, I emailed my psychiatrist will all this. I told her I would send another email if I got a response. I am so upset over this. I don’t understand why she (my therapist) just didn’t text me a time to talk to her when that is what I said in the voicemail. She never listens to me anymore.

I did a lot of things this morning. Then I went to Walgreens to get some things for my mother. Things were going well until the last block home. I wasn’t wearing my brace because it was a short distance walk. My ankle took advantage of the situation and decided it wasn’t going to work and cause me intense pain. I have been laid up ever since. Fucker. Then my asshole cousin calls me wanting to bring groceries up the stairs. Fuck you. He gave me the excuse he always does, his back was hurting him. He hung up on me and I called him back telling him I wasn’t doing it. He got mad and I didn’t give a shit. When he came, he didn’t do shit and made my niece help him bring the bags up. Asshole.

I finally changed my sheets today so when I go upstairs for the final time today, I will have clean sheets to sleep in. I am very tired. I had to take some pain pills to quiet my ankle down. I’m still waiting for it to quiet down. I tried to nap but lying down increased my pain and my thoughts were dwelling on my therapist so I couldn’t rest. This is the second week without therapy since my therapist has been back. I care but I don’t as I plan on going ahead with my plans. The only people that know of them are my psych and my friend.

Fun but painful Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fun but painful Saturday

I didn’t have a good sleep, even though I slept late. My lower back was aching, even though I was sleeping on my side. I figure it had to be because of my sister’s bed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do anything because I was in pain but once I started moving around, the pain eased up. I checked the bus schedule and the next bus was in like five minutes. No chance of me catching that bus. The next one was in an hour. I asked my niece if she wanted to go to the Square with me and she did.

We went to the Square and I had my coffee grounded. I also got a cup of coffee. I wasn’t happy that the bitch filled my cup not even half way for a tall in a bigger sized cup. I also bought some K-cups for tomorrow’s coffee. The place my niece wanted to go to had closed down so we went to Chipotle’s. We had burritos and it was yummy. Both of our burritos fell apart so we had to eat it with a fork. We had fun. Then we had to wait an hour for the next bus home. She played on her phone and I wished I brought my headphones with me.

We came home and I went to my room to change. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food but she said she was making cutlets. So I will just order tomorrow night. We had dinner and she made some concoction of vegetables that neither my niece nor I were crazy about. After dinner, I told my niece she could do downstairs while I showered. I needed a shower desperately as I had leaked on the way home and wanted a change of boxers.

I had started a blog about therapy but I lost my train of thought a few times so will go back to it at a later time. It’s still hurting talking about therapy when my therapist and I are having difficulties. I left her a voicemail message asking her to call or text me with a time to meet. I feel we need to talk about this arrangement she has put me in. My psychiatrist has even said that meeting once a month is not really therapy. I am just frustrated that this is happening because of the blogs I wrote. I won’t be sharing my blogs with her anymore, no matter how much they affect our relationship or if I wish to convey something to her. That is, if we can have therapy again on a weekly basis at least.

I just checked my pill box because things haven’t felt right the last few days. Turns out I forgot to put the trilafon in my box for the week. And the bottle is up in my room so I won’t be able to take it tonight either. I just been taking 4 mg a day. No wonder I have been so easily agitated. I had been doing really good at taking it twice a day and now this. WTF. I am such an idiot. Now I know a hospitalization is in my future. I am going to become delusional and psychotic. And when I do, I don’t think the trilafon is going to be effective. Just what I fucking need. UGH.