Not been feeling good today. Back has been bothering me and so has my stomach. Seems like no matter what I eat lately, I get indigestion. I just took some Mylanta, the Walgreens equivalent as the real Mylanta hasn’t been on the market for quite sometime.
I got my haircut at my cousin’s house tonight. I had to get my haircut because it was getting too long. It’s been at least two months since my last cut. I like to keep my hair short and buzzed close at the sides and back. I wanted to take a shower afterwards but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I just washed my hair and that was it.
I was supposed to go out tonight but the Bruins are playing and I didn’t feel like going to a bar. I just don’t like loud places anyways.
Person from my long term disability company called me yesterday to check in. I don’t know what to say to her. I still have pain but it has been minimal because I no longer leave the house anymore. I might go out three days tops, and that is only if I really feel like going out for a coffee. Today I went out and now my ankle is thanking me with pain. I just can’t win. And what if she asks me about my mental health. I will just say yea I think about killing myself nearly everyday and wish every night before going to sleep that I don’t wake up. I just can’t face another day of nothingness. I haven’t been taking care of myself, more now so than before I got the disability. I shower maybe twice a week if that. I don’t do housework, though my mother now needs help with it. I’m not sure how I can help her as I can’t really be on my feet for too long.
It sucks having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I’m lucky it likes the cold as the temperature has dropped to the twenties. I cannot tolerate the heat anymore. I like to be warm but not too warm. Sometimes I can’t even have the sheet on my feet/leg it bothers me so bad. But at least the swelling has gone down some though I still have a lump in my leg where it shouldn’t be. I so want to excise it. But I have been told that I might cause more damage if I excise than leaving it alone. I’m just glad that the voices haven’t been around telling me to excise it. I would have to go back to the hospital. I am taking my antipsychotic med. I have to take it every other day or else I become delusional and psychotic. It has been helping with the paranoia that I had when I was on a crowded bus or train. Now I can be around people without freaking out that they are going to kill me. How fun it is having Schizoaffective disorder or as my therapist calls it just bipolar disorder with psychosis. Apparently I don’t have the “positive” features of the Schizoaffective part.
I haven’t been hospitalized for almost six months. That’s good but I have been feeling like I should be in. I just can’t take living my life anymore but then I know I won’t really get the help I need. Most hospitals don’t have time for individual work and so lump you in with a group of treaters to talk for 15 minutes of the day. Then it’s back to the ward doing nothing but arts and crafts all fucking day, least until dinner time. The groups they have are useless. On a good day you might get psychotherapy group. I like that group, I can get something out of it. I should make an effort to go to an outpatient group therapy but of course I have no motivation or inclination to do so. I think it might break up the monotony of the day but that would mean leaving the house at least once a week. I was thinking of going to a LGBT group to be more comfortable. And maybe help with the transitioning of things but I don’t think you can do that in a group. I don’t know, maybe next week I will call. Or have my therapist call to find out more information about it. It will be local so I wouldn’t have to travel too far. I just am afraid I might not be able to walk to the center because it is too far from the T stop. There isn’t a bus that goes by and the closest train stop is more than a few blocks away. Difficult for someone with mobility issues. Course I could take a cab but that is just wasting money to me but maybe it is something to think about. But that is if I get “accepted” into the group to begin with.
midnightdemons7 