Category: Bipolar Disorder
Christmas Eve 2016
Christmas Eve 2016
I haven’t done much of anything today. I helped my mother as best I could around the kitchen as she made stuff and I washed the dishes. I couldn’t make coffee because she was using both counter tops so I had no room to place my French press. I will make it tomorrow.
I went out to cash my scratch ticket and then went to get eggs for my mother. She yelled at me for paying $1.89 for eggs like it was coming out of her pocket. Sorry, ma, eggs aren’t 99 cents anywhere anymore. I bought three dozen. That should tie her over for a while. We go through a lot of eggs because she bakes a lot.
I ordered Chinese food. I don’t know why I bothered to buy chicken fingers. They never taste right. My mother will eat them. The General Gao was okay. I didn’t eat the scallion pancakes I bought. I wasn’t that hungry. I like them left over anyways. Now I got to decide what movie to watch. I am leaning towards Home Alone. I seriously need to dust it off though before I use the disc. That is if I don’t go back to sleep. I fricken took a two hour nap and I am wasted. I am trying not to go back to sleep but it’s hard.
I was struggling with dealing with my father’s loss this morning. I kept thinking about him. It was his last Christmas and the last time he was fairly “healthy”. He had a recurrence of his liver tumor and we were waiting to see what the treatment option would be. We had no idea that his health would downfall in the on coming months.
My ankle is hurting today but not as bad as it has been in the past. Surprisingly, just one pain pill is keeping it at bay. I hope it stays that way. I took Nyquil last night because I was coughing and was congested. I had a good sleep. I was glad. Though I still don’t know why I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap. I will watch the movie tomorrow.
my stupid advice
My stupid advice
Whenever someone is feeling bad about something and I know it’s more than just the “blues”, I often tell them to seek out professional help. But if I took my own advice, where has that gotten me exactly? There are a million therapists out there, all with different degrees and modes of therapy. You often have to see a few to get chemistry with someone for it to be effective. I saw 11 by the time I was 25. And here it is, 16 years later and I might have to see therapist number 14. It’s getting old. I feel that I should be better by now or that I should have at least feel like I “cured” myself by some magic. I read enough about therapy to know what works and what doesn’t. Doesn’t that count for something?
I have seen psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists, and a psychiatric nurse working toward a doctorate. I can’t really say which profession was the best because they all left me before I could form an opinion on the matter and it hurt too bad. But the one that I am in now, the one with a psychologist, worked out pretty good until things just fizzled out. I think I just became too “smart” for her and she couldn’t keep up. She tried for a while until she realized she couldn’t anymore, that it was hindering my therapy. And now what to do?
The thought of starting over isn’t appealing to me. I really don’t want to go through the process. It’s difficult when you are already used to someone. I have read a lot about suicide yet it still eludes me. I want to act on my feelings of it yet I am still here. I know seeing someone new will have a great burden taking me on. I don’t know if they are willing to take that risk. I don’t know if I am either.
Someone I knew a long time ago and still do took my advice and is still alive today because she took it. She is grateful that I saved her life because she listened to me. I remember she was at a crucial period in her life. She was diagnosed as bipolar and at the time, I wrote a lot about the disorder. I told her she needed to see someone and be on meds to help herself. She is still alive because she took that advice. So sometimes, I don’t give out stupid advice. I just wish I could help myself. I have a great psychiatrist but for things to work in my disorder, you also need a therapist. I have yet to find one that is on the same page as me. I am too smart for my own good. And now another therapist is leaving because of it. Some advice giver I am.
what a fucking birthday
What a fucking birthday
My day started out good. I woke up without pain (for the first time in a long while). My mother woke me up because she was vacuuming, something I said I would do in the morning. Oh well. I had a few minutes before the bus came and I wanted to get my Starbucks birthday drink. The bus was late. The guy that I don’t like because he is a creep was on the bus. A homeless guy got on and couldn’t pay his fare. The creep started making a stink about him and the bus driver let him off the bus. I felt bad for the guy.
I got to Starbucks and the cashier, who knows me, gave me an additional discount so that I didn’t have to pay as part of my birthday reward. I was thankful. Everything was going okay. I sat at Starbucks, wrote in my journal. Listened to my music. Then I caught the bus home. I was checking messages on my phone and I guess when I put my phone back on the clip, it caught on my jacket. It sometimes happens. I pulled the jacket out and thought the phone was still attached. I was walking home and my Bluetooth headphones stopped working. I didn’t know why until I walked a little further and felt no phone! It must have fell off the bus because it wasn’t in the street. Fucking A. I panicked. I hurried home to contact the T to see if they could check the bus. I called the number they gave me and it was too soon. I then tried to get my phone turned off so people wouldn’t use it should it be found. That proved useless as I couldn’t find the link or a human to do this. I filled out a claim for a lost phone, thinking my phone was gone forever. Great birthday.
While I was trying to figure out how to turn my phone off, I called my phone to see if maybe a good person found my phone. They did and they were up the street for me. I hurriedly went to meet them and got my phone back. I was so grateful. I was out of breath by the time I reached the guy as I had to go up the hill to meet him. By the time I came back home, I was having back dizzy spells and thought I was going to pass out. I then realized it had been more than 12 hours since my last pain med dose. I took some pain pill and an Ativan as I knew it was some kind of withdrawal. I had to stay very still to keep the room from spinning. By this time, asthma like symptoms were occurring and I was fucked. I kept on wheezing and coughing. I had to call sprint to cancel my claim but I couldn’t get a human. I finally called the customer service on my phone to reach someone. After more than an hour, I got the insurance people and they told me what to do to cancel my claim.
I was exhausted so I tried to nap. I kept on wheezing and coughing, which made it impossible. I needed an inhaler and luckily my mother had one. I had to go downstairs and get it. My ankle was not liking me at this point. Neither were my lungs. The inhaler helped but I still got the damn cough. I couldn’t rest, even if I wanted to so I made a cup of tea. By the time I made it and it was cooled off, I had my party. People came over the house and all hell broke up. Who was yelling over this and that. I hated the yelling. But that is how my family “talks”. Then an incident happened down my aunt’s house and got my aunt all nervous. My party and people are all talking among themselves like they always do. I just wanted to hide in my room. Around 2000, I had the cake and then opened my cards. My favorite aunt gave me some scratch tickets and I won $50. I never won that much before. I got Starbucks gift cards and some cash. I plan on getting Chinese food tomorrow as my family usually goes down to my aunt’s and I don’t like going. It’s way too loud.
So between losing my phone, almost passing out, finding my phone, then possibly losing $200 I had a bad birthday. I am glad this day is over.
midnightdemons7 
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