Category: Bipolar Disorder

can’t cope

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Can’t cope

I am really struggling right now. It’s 0400 and I still have not slept. I am going on 4 hours sleep after being up for 24 hours. I am hearing voices and there are four of them instead of 1 that I usually hear. There were three last night and now there are four and I feel like I am being ganged up on. I have sent emails to my psych but I don’t think she checks her email on Sundays. I told her I took an extra Invega to try and calm them down. It seems to have worked as right now I am just hearing my regular voice. She is the nice one and doesn’t tell me to kill myself or take a bottle of pills for the fun of it.

I was reading an email my psych had sent to me on Friday after I told her I couldn’t cope with everything. We talked yesterday. I often had to repeat what I said because she couldn’t hear and then my voice would be a little bit better and then go back to a whisper. I sent a text message to the therapist telling her I cannot speak. I told her it was not illness related and I would bring a notepad to communicate. If this was a problem, I told her to let me know or call me. I don’t want to skip another session. I feel like I need to talk to her. It is just that my voice keeps going in and out on me and I can only speak for so long before I get tired and cannot speak at all. Going for 45-50 minutes is going to be a test. Then I have a 60 minute appointment with the psychopharm. That is going to be fun, not! I think I am going to try and write things down on index cards so I can use my voice less. Fuck this sucks!

Tomorrow I need to get a hold of a human in the laryngologist department. I had left a message and I think that I am going to leave a message on the last two numbers to try and make a damn appointment. I don’t care who I see as long as they can give some answers and order speech therapy or whatever they need to do. I really don’t want another camera up my nose but if that has to happen so be it. I have no idea if the ED did record the showing of my throat. The PA had her camera video recording it. They didn’t tell me if this was going to be uploaded to my record or not.

I am so tired and want to sleep. My head just keeps buzzing. I think the extra meds have sort of made the voices quieter but they are still there. I know they have popped up because of all the stress I am under with my health issues. I just want to fucking cry and my throat won’t let me. I feel really shitty and downhearted. I just can’t cope with it. My ankle has been a fuck all day. I haven’t really taken anything for it because I don’t know what to do with it. How do you deal with the feelings like your foot is ready to fold on you. It feels like it is some kind of card or paper ready to be folded in half. And it hurts so much. It stresses me out.

I have decided to try and keep a notepad on me so I can talk with my mother when I go downstairs. In one of the boxes that has my stuff in it, I found some notepads. I think it will be easier than trying to talk only to repeat myself three times or more.

I am proud of myself today. I finished two books, Harry Potter and OOTP and White Fragility. I have eight books left in my challenge for the year. I have the Harry Potter and half blood prince to read and then Deadly Hollows. I thinking of reading a book my friend gave me. It’s about a water sprite. He said that it is cute. He had given me a book that I can’t think of the name right now but it was really good. I really enjoyed it. It was about a bee. I also started to read Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things which has the short story “How to talk to girls at parties”. It’s supposed to be good as I think they made a play or something based on that story. I have so many books to choose that I am overwhelmed and don’t know which ones to read. There are quite a few books that came out in the last year and this year that I bought, all hardcover. Alex Spiere just came out with a book on the Red Sox. He is a Red Sox reporter. Jerry Remy also came out with a book. I forget the name. I am not sure I want to get it. I am still thinking about it. There is also a book on Luis Tianti (?sp) that came out. He was a great pitcher for the Sox in the 70s. He is still in the organization. He mumbles when he speaks so I have no idea what he is saying. I also went on a Kindle spending spree and got some books on Lincoln’s speeches and writings.

I got a dentist appointment in about six hours. I am not sure if I am going to be able to go. I had wanted to and then get my haircut or if the barber shop is closed, go to Starbucks and maybe write for a bit. I bought a backpack that can hold my laptop. I just won’t connect to wifi (I hope!) I shaved a couple days ago with a single edge razor and somehow took a chunk of skin off my face. I am glad I have the nix stick as it was bleeding pretty good. I have been putting Neosporin on it to try and make it heal faster. I cannot put a bandage on it as I don’t have one small enough for it. Plus, who wants to put a bandage on their face!

I still have not received my medical records from the children’s hospital where I had the traumatic medical procedure done. Been thinking a lot about the abuse at the hand of the abuser when I was little that continued through my teenage years. I think I am going to write about it and then give it the therapist. I think it probably would be good now as I cannot speak it due to my voice being fucked up. I think I will type it up so she doesn’t have to try and read my scribble.

Feeling frustrated not being able to speak

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling frustrated not being able to speak

“Running on empty. There was nothing left but doubt. I picked up my pen and wrote my way out.” Lin-Manuel Miranda

Someone on Twitter had this as their tweet and I had to keep it. It really is fitting as right now, I really need to write how I feel as things are becoming so overwhelming. All week I’ve thought about nothing but suicide. I was sending my psych emails and she would call me out of concern. After one of the calls, I sent her an email explaining how things get for me and I think she understood. I never got a response so I can’t say how she took it.

All week my voice has not been above a whisper. There are a few times where my voice seems to be there but only for a few seconds and then it is gone again. I have been in contact all week with my pcp about this. He was reluctant to prescribe a steroid only for fear of side effects. By Thursday I was not doing any better and I was feeling pretty damn frustrated. My pcp was away so I had to wait 24 hours for a response because no one was covering him apparently. I saw his nurse again and I stressed to him that I wanted to be on steroids to see if they would help. Instead I got a message asking me if I wanted to proceed with being prescribed Friday. I was so fucking pissed off I swore and told the nurse off. I told him that if I wasn’t going to be prescribed anything today (meaning yesterday), I was going to go to an emergency for the throat. He said the message would be part of my medical record and he didn’t like my tone. I didn’t give two fucks. I was aggravated and frustrated that all week I’ve had to rely on email messages to figure out what the fuck to do about my voice. I emailed my psych, who was really worried as she kept harping on it, which forced me to do something about it. I went to the emergency department at another hospital.

I couldn’t talk so I wrote things out that they would need on index cards. I was seen my a physician assistant rather than a doctor. I had to explain what had happened, that an allergic reaction from one week ago caused me to lose my voice. She said that I would need to have a camera put down my throat to see what was going on and she would have to get a doctor to do this. I had to wait some more while she was getting someone. I was more annoyed at this. So this doctor comes in and I have to tell my story, again! He said he would put a camera up my nose to see my vocal cords. Great, another invasive procedure. There was some pain despite the lidocaine as they couldn’t really thread the camera down my nose because of my septum. I don’t know if it was swollen or deviated or what. He might have said but I don’t remember. First he said that things were swollen and I would need steroids. Then he left as he said he wanted a laryngologist to see the video and go from there. He comes back and said that I would need speech therapy as the muscles around my larynx aren’t moving like they should. For Fucks Sake!!! He said just to take an NSAID and make an appointment soon. The PA comes back with the discharge paperwork and some names of some doctors that I can try calling for an appointment over the next few days, which means Monday as it is now the weekend. I am glad I don’t have to be on steroids but I am not happy this isn’t a quick fix. I am to avoid speaking for long periods. I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on.

I came home and was basically crushed. I was overwhelmed that I didn’t kill myself like I wanted to. I was depressed that I had yet another invasive procedure and would probably need another one with a better camera for them to know what was going on. I further did not know how I was to have psychotherapy on Tuesday or see the new psychopharm on Thursday as both require me to speak for at least an hour. All I kept thinking about was just killing myself and now that I know that ginger is lethal for me, I was thinking of getting some gummies or something and that would be that. I emailed my psych telling her I was overwhelmed with everything. She asked if I wanted to talk and I replied you mean whisper. I told her to call me whenever as I had no plans for today.

I told her I wanted to cry but it hurt to have an ugly cry. She said crying would be good. I just can’t seem to be able to do it as my throat hurts so I have to stop. She wants me to follow up and if I can’t get a hold of someone, she will do it for me. Now I know she is really, really worried. She has never heard of this happening. I had sent a message to my urologist last night asking her if the new medicine she has me on can affect other muscles. It is the only thing new and I am not sure this is just a medication issue. She responded that she doesn’t think so but I should ask my pharmacist.

I cannot believe what has transpired in just ten days. I have been trying to write all this since Wed but every time I tried, I would start to cry and my throat would hurt so I would have to stop writing. I couldn’t even talk to some one about it as I have no fucking voice! All I could do was type, which is not the same fucking thing as I found out. Communicating with my mother is the hard part. I need to write down what I need to say to her because otherwise I would have to repeat myself three or four times and that just hurts too much when you have no voice. I had wanted to do some stuff around my room today but my psych said I need to rest as much as possible because of everything. I took a shower and now I am going to try and finish Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I have four chapters left in the book. Unfortunately, the chapter I am on is when Sirius dies. I hope I don’t cry.

oh what a fun weekend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Oh what a fun weekend

On Friday, my mother made fish. I went down to have some and spied some noodles my sister had brought home from work. I had a couple of forkfuls. Then I had the fish. While I was eating the fish, my throat started feeling funny. I asked my sister if there was ginger in the noodles. There was. Oh shit. I immediately went for some Benadryl as I am allergic to ginger. Two hours later, I was still having symptoms of a reaction so I asked my other sister to take me to the ER. I stayed like 6-7 hours as they saw me right away. I had lost my voice by the third hour. I was given meds and even though I still had laryngitis, I could go home. I was also given a script for an epi-pen so I guess I need to carry it around with me. I took some more Benadryl when I was home and slept.

I had already had plans to meet up with some friends Saturday night. I wasn’t feeling 100% and my voice was definitely not better. I had a fun time with my friends. We all ate too much and I knew I wasn’t going to eat the following day. I haven’t eaten that much in a month. It ended up giving me heartburn as I was severely constipated. I hate that. Luckily, I didn’t have to take anything on Sunday. I was so beat. I basically just used the bathroom and was sleeping. I had a good snooze until my med alarm woke me up. I didn’t want to get up so waited until the second alarm went off. The second alarm is to remind me to take Flonase as allergies have been so bad lately (not from food but from pollen). I got up to take my meds and was in a really foul mood. I kept emailing my psych on how poorly I was. I was just so suicidal and now that I know I have a bad reaction to ginger, it kind of makes me wonder if I would be able to asphyxiate due to ingesting some. I think even Walgreens sells like dehydrated ginger so it would be easy for me to get some.

Each exposure has been worse for me. This is my 3rd time exposed to ginger. Usually a day or two and I have my voice back. It has been three days and still nothing. I have been trying to rest it but with a hard of hearing mother, it is difficult. I only had one dose of Benadryl left so I had to get some more, hoping it would calm down my vocal cords. I was planning on going to therapy tomorrow but by 11, I realized I might not have a voice and I didn’t want to strain it for 50 mins trying to talk. I canceled the appointment and asked for a new one for next week.

My pcp was notified that I was in the ED. The hospital I was in just became part of the *lovely* new electronic medical record system known as EPIC, which sucks to the highest degree of suckiness. My pcp wants me to follow up with his nurse. I had sent him a message about being in the ED and requested a referral. I totally forgot about this. It must have been sometime after I got home and before I passed out. I just have been communicating with his office via email as I really can’t talk. I made an appointment for Friday afternoon with the nurse, an hour before my appointment with the new psychopharm. I am going to ask my psych if this is necessary as she will know where she will be. I don’t need any meds until next month. I can certainly wait until she is back and I am sure if I need something, she can call in a script. I know she wants me to see the new doc but I don’t see why I have to if it is just one or two visits. Other than being suicidal, I am stable on my meds, though I don’t want to be on Lamictal anymore. I don’t think it is helping me but then, I haven’t been hypomanic either. I also need to talk with the therapist because she has like three different bipolar diagnoses in my record.

Speaking of my record, last Tuesday I saw a urologist. It went okay, though I was more mentally shaken up because of the invasive testing than anything. The urologist told me what was wrong with my bladder and gave me a new medication for it. She also gave me some paperwork to read over. When I left the office, it had started to rain so I wasn’t able to read it. I sort of looked it over while on the train but nothing stood out until I really looked at it. It had listed one of my “problems/issues” as “female to male transgender person.” I flipped out and sent her a message to remove it. Due to the lovely EPIC system, she cannot. She sent a message to my pcp about this and assured me she didn’t see this as a problem with her. I have no idea how the fuck this ended up in the issues to begin with. Saturday, I received a message from her saying she made a note in my record about this, that it is not a problem just a glitch in the system. A HUGE glitch!

I have been feeling off most of the day. My eyes have been blurry at times trying to read stuff. I must have played Cam’s new song, La Marcheuse, for hours. I just love it even though I don’t understand a damn word because it is in French. I really just love listening to her voice. I also have been fighting a stupid migraine for most of the day, which is probably why my eyes are fucked. There also was construction being done at my sister’s apartment so it was really noisy this morning and probably will be again tomorrow. It’s nice waking up to hammering, not. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am not sure I will have a voice. I really hope the allergic reaction didn’t damage the vocal cords. My throat doesn’t hurt but not being able to talk sucks.

I am an idiot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I am an idiot

I can’t sleep because of pain. I was starting to get drowsy around 2130 and I laid down. Around 2300, I got heartburn and the damn foot/ankle pain increased. I looked at it. Veins were popping and the swelling that I had earlier had spread down to the atrophied part of my foot. The swelling is causing me so much pain as my foot feels like it is ready to burst.

I re-read and edited my last blog. I wrote it on the fly and I should read what I wrote before publishing but I never do. I didn’t like the ending but oh well. I sent the blog off to my psych and then when I re-read it, I felt like a fucking idiot. There was stuff in there that she definitely should not know. Now I am just more pissed off at myself. I hate when my thoughts get written and they vanish from my brain only to be read again somewhere, like here or in my journal.

I am having a hard time concentrating because the pain is so fucking intense. I took a breakthrough med around midnight. Not sure it will do anything about the swelling but maybe the pain will go down a notch or two so it can be bearable enough to sleep. I am not sure though. I am never sure. Pain can go down or up. I have absolutely no fucking control of it whatsoever.

I shaved earlier today and now the stubble has come back. The goatee part that has some thicker hair is itchy so I probably will shave it off again. My moustache is growing back ever so slowly. It is getting there. I was reading in the CRPS article how removing breast tissue might cause CRPS to happen in the chest. Now I am freaked out and stuff. If I can’t have top surgery, I might as well fucking die. Won’t matter how much hair is on my face if I still have a fucking chest. This may not happen and I have to believe this. I am not sure when I will have top surgery. I know it will be when the construction to the house is done but it hasn’t even fucking started yet so not sure when the hell it will be. I have to have full use of my arms until then.

I swear, all day I thought it was Saturday. I kind of knew it was Thursday but it just felt like a Saturday to me. Saturday I am supposed to go out with friends for dinner. I got to check the bus schedule to see what time I need to leave for the station. It’s been a while since I have been to the Square on a Saturday. If I can’t be there near the time I am to meet up, I will just hang at Starbucks for a while.

I am really hating myself right now. I so want to be fucking dead and instead, I am still fucking here. I guess I still have next week to sort things out. Next Friday I meet with the new psychopharm. That should be interesting. Not sure what he will do as I am just seeing him for a short period of time. I really want to get off the Lamictal. I don’t think it is helping me at all. I miss being on the Trileptal. It really helped to stabilize my mood and some what help with the pain. I really don’t know what is out there for bipolar disorder but I know I won’t go on Depakote. I don’t want the blood draws. Maybe being on nothing is better. I am saying this with a suicidal mind. Being on nothing will just drive me to the grave sooner.