Category: blogging

Transition day 42

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, transgender

This is really day 43 but close enough.

I noticed I have lapsed on my weekly writing. Sorry about that. Not much changes. I have some voice changes, sideburns are thicker. Mustache is darker. Facial changes still coming. I am losing my feminine looks. I just need to lose 40 pounds. No idea how to do that. I like my take out, pizza, and burgers with fries. It will be hard to give those up. I also love bread and pasta, though with the low sodium levels, I really haven’t eaten yet have gained weight. I am thinking it must be muscle mass increase as my legs have been sore and lately so have my arms and upper body. I would love to go to a gym and build muscle but no clue how. I think I can do it at home, starting slow like lifting tomato cans and the like. My PT had told me about that. Better than buying weights.

I am excited about the voice changes but it is leaving me with a sore and irritated throat some days. I bought some cough drops to help. My sister gave me some sugar free ones. I like them because I don’t get a sugary feel on my teeth once it dissolves. Unfortunately the kind I bought has sugar in them. The store was out of the sugar free kind, probably because I was looking for them.

I was shaving my little stubble and got my first nic. I bought some nic sticks so i could stop the bleeding. Damn thing bled so bad i had to put a bandage on. I didn’t care as it was night time and I didn’t have to go out.

Other than thicker sideburns, I haven’t noticed elsewhere of hair growth or thickening. No more facial hair other than my moustache. I had shaved it off and man, I didn’t think it was going to grow back!

I still don’t have a lot of energy but think that is because of the blood levels of sodium being low. Sucks being tired all the time, well, more so than I usually am.

I got my flu shot last week. She did a good job. I didn’t even feel it. I was kind of sore but only if I touched it. Thank god I haven’t felt sick like I have in the past. I have been real careful to wash my hands when I come home when I go out. I really don’t want to catch anything. My friend in Texas got a nasty bug. High fevers and shit. She is feeling better now that she got some meds. I care for her a lot. She is a good support for me during my down moods. I haven’t really been in a down mood in a while. I did have some suicidal thoughts when I was in a nasty flare last weekend but it passed. I still am dealing with pain but nothing more than usual, probably because I am resting/sleeping more than usual. I made a recipe Saturday and was completely wiped out afterwards. I slept for 4.5 hours! So unlike me!

Well I guess that is all. Hopefully there are more changes in the next week or so. I had the shot yesterday so fingers crossed for more changes. Until next time…be kind

Another blog by phone

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, transgender

I am still feeling crappy. Yesterday in was so exhausted after seeing the doc, I slept, had dinner, took my meds. And pretty much slept through the night. I woke up once to pee and take a horrible selfie. I felt like taking the shot of T then but i was too tired to be that coordinated. I had to wake up early to check to see if my niece went to school on time. I got mad at my phone for waking me up, snoozed, got mad again, and never got up. I woke up a half hour later and went downstairs. She wasn’t home so that was good. It is freezing out. I went back to my room and fell back to sleep.

I got up around an hour ago. I had messages, one was a provider letter. I read that but it was just for my urine test results. I still haven’t heard anything about my blood results so I sent a message. My sodium is down again, lower than it ever has been. No wonder I feel so crummy. My psych said to reduce my water intake (I am not reducing coffee!!) This is hard because I kind of am thirsty since she said it. I’ve just been taking sips with my meds. Figures not eating and drinking would knock it down. I asked her if we could lower the oxcarb by 300 mg and she agreed. I feel a little better today but still feel so tired. I was supposed to meet up with my barber to get my baking dish but I couldn’t be bothered. I am just too tired. I will get it next week.

So I guess I am to just sleep until my medical doc figures out what to do with me. The rest is helping my plantar fasciitis. Heel was hurting so bad last night from all the walking I did. I didn’t ice it just rolled a tennis ball under my foot while waiting for dinner to be ready. It really helps reduce the pain. I have been doing the app thing for my foot. My scores are better but not 100 %, dammit lol. The OT wants it above 80%, which they have been so that is good. I see them tomorrow. I haven’t done the stretching because I’ve been in a flare. Even yesterday while on the way home felt like my sneaker was going to rip the top of my foot apart. It was fun going around the house with two feet hurting so bad. Yikes!! I’ve been doing the heat stuff so hope she isn’t going to be a bitch. I also been doing the heel lift she wants so 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. My foot is still bothering me today. I haven’t had this bad of a flare in a while. Hope it settles down.

Last night some idiot called with a restricted number. I thought it might be the doctor’s office so answered. It was some document recovery bullshit. They had a document I had to sign and would I be available between such and such hours. I was yes-ing them to death. Bastards never came. Assholes. I get these calls at least twice a year and it is always we are taking you to court and we can’t give you the information, you need to call the 800 number. Okay. Scam bastards.

I am not sure where my blog writing is going. If I feel up to it, I will write. Otherwise I won’t. I just don’t have the energy. Oh, and today is day 42 of my transition. I will write a separate post for that, though it will be just a paragraph as not much has changed.

More tiredness that is sticking around

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

So over the weekend I emailed my repro endo doc to say I’ve been really tired and described how tired I was and could it be the testosterone? She said most certainly not. I should see my pcp. Well today has been a real fucking day so why should calling my pcp be easy. He isn’t available until January. So again, I am seeing one of his colleagues, a doc I don’t think has any brains but is playing doctor. Okay, I will see him. I flew off the handle. Fucking January? I got to see someone else as my pcp. How are you to have a relationship with someone if you only see them every 4 fucking months? And when something comes up. You have to see someone else because your doc isn’t available. That to me is unacceptable. My former doc always saw me. Hell I remember one time I had to see his colleague and he purposely found a way for me to see him once I was in the office. That is my kind of doctor.

I had therapy today and talked his ear off about shit that has been happening. He brought up a good point, people around me don’t think I am important. I almost started bawling. I think I was at this point anyway but him saying that just brought more tears. [**I am typing on my phone so if you see a typo, please tell me**]

He gets that is most likely causing my misery. My family treats me like crap, especially my mother who doesn’t accept me for who I am. She has it in her head that I am this beautiful, cute baby girl and now I am turning into a man. Well I was all along but I had to hide myself for ten fucking years because I afraid she wouldn’t accept me. And I was right.

Halfway through session, I got a wave of exhaustion. Like I was completely drained. And I still had to go home. Fuck. I came home and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. I never felt that tired before in my life. I’ve had therapy sessions and appts and stuff and never felt that drained. Something is wrong. And I swear if this jerk of a doctor tells me it is a virus, my cane is going to be swinging. I want my blood count and thyroid checked. Though more so my blood count as testosterone can cause weird blood counts.

I got my prescription today. I had to wait in like and I swear I thought my heel was going to divorce me. It hurt so bad. I was walking with my cane because I had to take the pressure off my foot. I took it out when I got to city hall after therapy. I had to rest there for a bit. Both feet were barking. I wish I had money for an Uber. I hate that I have impulsive spending. I spent my last 8 bucks on nic sticks. I am so stupid. I nicked myself pretty good and had to use a bandage as the bleeding wouldn’t stop. Just hope it doesn’t get infected as I looked at the razor and there was some rust on it. My stupid mother never cleans it right. Or at all. Drives me nuts. She has her single edge but uses mine. Brat.

I am in pain and not sure if I am going to pull an all nighter or not. I just took a breakthrough med so I hope I will sleep. I just got to keep my damn foot still. Though it was still when it felt like someone was ripping off my 5th metatarsal. Ugh. CRPS sucks. You never know what kind of pain you will have next and for how long. Last night it took until 2 am for it to settle down. Probably would have been sooner but my fucking Kindle did an update and now won’t recognize the SD card. I had to find a thing to read it on my laptop to see if it was defective or the Kindle was. So annoying.

I did the calf stretching before I left the house. My heel wasn’t bothering me until I left Starbucks. I had to leave an hour earlier so I could fucking write. I finally had time to journal. I just wrote about all my fucking aggravation with the bus and shit. I fucking hate when people block the entry of the bus and people can’t get off or on. So rude!!!!! I sat away from the jerk or I probably would have muttered under my breath. The when i was on my way home. Guy came on preventing me from getting off. Fucking asshole. No one has courtesy anymore. Pisses me off.

I did the app exercises a few times today. I had varying scores. Sometimes i did above 90 and sometimes i did below. It is annoying me. I do it three times and if i don’t improve or get the same score i just stop. No point in going on. I haven’t done the warm heat. I keep forgetting to being the damn thing to the kitchen. Though how i am to apply it once it is hot i have no clue. It is my outer ankle so kind of hard to put on. All logistics. I’ve been using a heating pad as my damn feet get ice cold and tonight it took 4 hours to get hot. Frustrates the hell out of me. My right usually gets warm before my left (CRPS foot) but it was cold in my room so took as long as my left. I think it helped the plantar fasciitis pain. I haven’t stood yet but damn my ankle is fucking killing me (CRPS).

Hope I feel tired again so I can sleep. I got to be out of the house by 8 am for the doc appt. But with this pain, I doubt I can sleep.

Sunday Blog 11 11 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 11 Nov 2018

To the Veterans, Thank You for serving and your sacrifice!

Today is my Godmother’s birthday. I sent scheduled messages to my cousins, her caretakers, at 11:11 am. I was up till 0430 as my pain was really bad. Started at 8 PM and just continued throughout the night and early morning. I pretty much slept all day. It was kind of hurting me when I woke up and stood up to use the bathroom but wasn’t really bad. I decided to take a shower after I brushed my teeth. I had to go back upstairs as I forgot PJs. I was damn near finished when the pain got worse. I got a pop tart from the back porch and cookies. My mother wanted me to bring some bleach to the kitchen so I did that as well. I made my coffee and ate what I brought out. I love the Starbucks iced coffee I bought. I sent a message to PeaPod asking them why their price was higher than the store price. It is ridiculous that I have to pay fifty cents more for it so it could be delivered.

Last night I was going through my pics as I wanted a pic of my Godmother and I to post on FB. While doing so, I found some pics of some baking photos of a cake I was making. I remembered I got the recipe from my friend that recently passed away. I plan on getting some cranberries so I can make the dish. Oh shit, I actually can’t make it as I need the baking dish that my barber has. I will text him tomorrow so I can get the dish Tuesday. Buses are running regular schedule tomorrow. I have my appointment with my therapist so will leave at 1030 am so I can try and write a bit before leaving for his office. I haven’t been too successful catching the 1137 bus so maybe an earlier bus might do it.

It’s cold in my room so I checked the temp. It is 40 degrees F. Barometric pressure is 30.23, which is up from last night of 29.98. No wonder I am in pain. I know there is a storm on its way. Something is going to hit Tuesday. Weather is going to be bad and we might get snow, but I think they said it would be up in the mountains. We’ll see. I have been trying to keep track of the barometric pressure but it has been difficult. I have a page in my notebook for it but I sometimes forget to write it down. I am a bad record keeper.