Category: Chronic pain

blah 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Mood has shifted just a little bit but I still have not left the house for anything. I just feel like my world is coming to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. Least today the numbness wore off just a little bit to let some feelings in so I can write a bit.

Got a bunch of paperwork, one for the group therapy place and the other from my long term disability place. Each packet is like twenty pages. I have my work cut out for me. Though I hardly have the energy to do it. I still need to get my taxes done. I keep saying tomorrow and tomorrow comes and goes. I feel weighed down though I don’t know from what.

I stopped taking the birth control pill last night to hurry things up. I figure there is no point taking them for the rest of the week if I am just going to stop them anyway. I’m kind of scared because I don’t know what kind of havoc this is going to place on me mentally. So far there has been no change in my menses and thankfully I don’t have any cramps. But the wearing of female products I still killing me. I just have gotten so used to not having a menstrual cycle that now it just feels so overwhelming. It’s making me so depressed and suicidal that all I can think about is ending my life because I don’t want to go through with this. That is what my suicidality is truly about. Not being able to cope with my false identity. And I am really pissed off that no one really cares except for my therapist. She is kind of freaked out right now as my mood is unpredictable. I know my friend that I have been writing with is kind of worried too though she is pretending she is not. I just don’t have many people to talk to about this. I feel that it’s too much information or just to hard to try and explain.

I just don’t know if I will be ok during this period. I know my shrink is worried since my post the beginning of the week. I still want to cut but the feeling come and go. I haven’t yet but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I hate that I love walking about in t-shirts all the time. If I start wearing long sleeve shirts my family might notice something off. Cutting is a huge thing to cover up. I used to not care when I was a teen, but now that I am an adult it still is kind of hard to cover up when you have a 7 yr old that smells band aids a mile a way.

BLAH

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

That is how I have been feeling the last two days. I just feel like the end of the world has come upon me. I don’t want to do anything, I just want to sleep.

Monday I have a meeting with a group therapy leader and I am thinking it is just too much to go. I want to but in this state all I want to do is fuck it all. I have no energy to eat, though I have forced myself to have a little of something. And to drink my slim fast shakes. Today I had Chinese food and I didn’t even enjoy it or finish it. I guess I will have it for later or tomorrow.

My sister texted me today saying she hasn’t seen me. Well I don’t feel like going downstairs. I don’t feel like going out. I just want to be left alone, away from everybody. The next few weeks are going to be rough and I am not sure how I am going to handle it. I am beyond coping right now.

The group leader sent me a packet I am to fill out. It’s like twenty pages long. Some intake. I hardly feel like writing a blog let alone fill out twenty pages of god knows what. I am so tired. Maybe I will just deal with that tomorrow and sleep the rest of today. I have never felt this bad before. I have never had this loss of energy and motivation before. This really sucks. I know most of it has to do with my menses. I just feel so defeated. Like I was going to make this huge change and was expected it to go kind of rough but I was NOT expecting my menses to show up and wear me down. Six weeks I have had this and seems like I will have it for another eight to nine. No one cares how much this is humiliating me. To have to wear female underwear and female products for this long is just draining the life out of me.

A good friend gave me a good tip. When I can take my sister’s car, I am going to go to Stop and Shop and buy all the asparagus they have and buy a bottle of Alleve. Hopefully something will work.

Ramblings 27

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, medical, mood disorders, psychache, suicide attempt, writing

I was waiting at the bus stop today and four police cruisers stopped and pulled over in from of Citizen’s back. The supervisor went inside and then one of the employees locked the door. I recently got a funny text saying that every 15 mins a bank gets robbed. Maybe that was one of the banks. I don’t know. No swat team or other special police arrived while I was waiting for the bus. All the time though I was praying a stray bullet would hit me and kill me. Bad thoughts I know but I just couldn’t help but think it.

Met with my psychiatrist today. No med changes. Just keep doing what I have been doing. It’s like the Mary Chapin song, “Simple Life”. Shrink says see you next week. That is how I feel. I know she gets what I keep telling her every two weeks but sometimes I wish there was some thing more she could do. But there really isn’t and that is the frustrating part. These docs just expect you to live with your illness and if you can’t well then there is always the hospital to help you try. I really can’t stand it sometimes. I get angry with her though there is no reason to. We have exhausted all medications. The rest is up to day to day management and making sure I keep my end of the bargain which is actually taking my meds.

I’m still trying to work on this comparison paper that I hope to post soon. Thing is I am so stuck on it that I just can’t move forward on it and then I read some new study that has a new measurement so I am conflicted as to whether or not to include it. This paper is good but I just don’t know where to go with it anymore. It’s so frustrating.

The urges for cutting have been strong today. I am trying not to think about it because it would be very easy to give in. I have been playing the radio as a distraction and so far it has been working. I would rather plan my death but all I want to do is cut. Right now I am saving up money for a hotel room so I can get away one of these nights and be away for a while. I just need to get out of my house and into something else so I can think and maybe write a bit. I don’t know where I will go but maybe the Best Western or someplace like that. Just a place I can be truly alone without being hounded by the loud TV. Maybe stepping out of my environment will let me get out more and get my coffee and work on things in my head about what I need to do. I don’t know this is just an idea. The last time I tried this I came home everyday because I forgot one thing or another.

International calls and PTSD

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Had an interesting day today. I wanted to talk to my friend in England so I made the phone call, except I could only talk for 5 mins!! I was like WTF because I pay extra to be able to call internationally on my phone. SO I call sprint and everything seems to be in order on their end. The guy then transfers me to the international section of Sprint. Turns out that because my phone is a Google phone and Google voice is on, that was the problem, I think. I won’t be able to call my friend until tomorrow night to see if this works. This sucks but I have a therapy appt in a half hour so don’t want to be on the phone too long.

I rewarded myself with getting my Claddaugh ring fixed and sized the right size. I picked it up yesterday. Luckily it was just under $300 USD. The most I have ever spent on myself outside of electronics such as laptops. The reason it cost so much was because I had the shank fixed as well. I LOVE it! It fits so nice and I miss wearing a ring.

I have been stressed the past few days because of financial reasons. I have to call to work out a plan with my student loans before they garnish my SSD check. I am so worried they are going to leave me with nothing. I so wanted to save up for a car this year but doesn’t look like that is going to be likely. I need to be able to pay the cable bill, my mother for the mortgage, and my cell phone bill. I also NEED to have money for my “crack” Starbucks coffee but I can do without as I can go several days without needing it. But when I want it, I want it dammit. It is the only JOY I have in my life is that one cup of coffee a day.

I still have my fucking menses that are just driving me beserk. I was supposed to call the repro-endo doc today but never got the chance as I was lazy when I woke up this morning. It is still cold out, not as cold as it was yesterday but still cold and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out. I had some mail to mail so I said the hell with it and went out. Sometime I just need to push myself. But while I was walking it felt like I was walking in mud. I hate that feeling more than anything. Some days I feel like I am light as air and other days I am walking with cement shoes on my feet. I don’t get it. I also had another damn problem with my fucking pain medication. Doc wrote for extra so in case I need them, I have them. Well the way he wrote it is only for a month supply only and the pharmacy won’t give me this extra! ARGH!!!! I am so fucking pissed off because last month he said he was going to change the prescription to 1-2 tabs a day and this month he didn’t. I am so pissed off right now. I just hope I don’t have any pain flair ups that necessitate me needing more than what I have. I am like so terrified of getting flare ups. It really activates my PTSD. I start having flashbacks of what it was like having CES all over again and then the surgery and all that I went through to get to where I am today. Not that I am 100% better, I am not. But at least I am not walking with a walker or cane all the time. It kills me when I see an old person with a walker when I am on the bus. It just reminds me how lucky I am that my doctors knew what I had. Some people that have CES or Cauda Equina Syndrome weren’t so lucky and have to use a cane or walker to get around. Some are worse off and can’t walk at all and need a wheelchair because their legs are so weak.

Whenever I get a pain flare up I tend to go into flashback mode. It is not a pleasant experience. I remember things that have happened in the past as if it were happening today. I get anxious and nervous. I start worrying. It is the worst feeling in the world. And then I want to get rid of the pain. If the pain meds don’t work, I usually want to cut. Cut off the affected limb so I am no longer in pain. Or just stab myself to relief the pain. I know that doesn’t make sense but it is what runs through my head during these times. It is awful. And I can’t usually move during these flare ups. I am incapacitated. I can just barely move enough to down some pills and hope it take away my misery. I hate being bedridden with this type of pain. I always keep my cell phone handy just in case I need to call someone and have them help me. Because my mother is deaf and with my closed bedroom door she is not going to hear me nor does she have the mobility to go up the stairs and help me, but at least she is someone I can call in case of emergency.