Category: chronic physical pain

Eclipse 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Eclipse 2017

My sister was in the path of the eclipse as she was down in South Carolina. She got really cool photos, which were similar to those on Facebook and Twitter. I was in Starbucks and didn’t care much for it as there was overcast. I saw some guy in the foyer outside with the special glasses and did see things go dark for a little bit and then bright again. I stayed where I was inside the store.

I wrote in my journal as I was having my espresso. I didn’t leave as late as I wanted to as I got up around noon time. I caught the 1300 bus, which had some kind of idling or brake problem as it was making awful noises at each stop or red light. I had bumped into a family member while waiting for the bus. They are still contemplating therapy but is scared of being put in the hospital for “being crazy”. As much as I have tried to reassure this person that will not happen unless they are a threat to themselves or others, I still am not getting through. It hurts me so bad to see them suffering so much.

After I couldn’t write anymore in my journal and saw the loads of pics of the eclipse on Facebook and those my sister sent me, it was time to catch the train to see my therapist. He didn’t pick his nails as much today and was attentive to what I was saying. It kind of freaked me out a little because I was getting used to him being silent all the time. In the beginning of session, I had to hold back laughter as he was wearing cranberry pants. It looked totally ridiculous but whatever. Who am I to judge?

My ankle was getting sore on the way home. I caught the first train that came to the station and luckily, the bus had just pulled up. I didn’t have to wait for the 1730 one. I was looking forward to chicken cutlets but when I came home, I smelled stir fry. I was totally disappointed. I was a sweating mess and had to change. I made a dish and had supper. Then I took a much needed shower. I had wet myself and needed new underwear. I drank a lot of water when I came home as I was really thirsty and didn’t feel like making iced tea like I usually do. I’ll probably have to use the bathroom soon as water just goes right through me for some reason.

After the shower, my ankle was cramping on me while I was drying off. I was due my next dose of pain meds so I took them when I came to my room. Now an hour later, my ankle bone is being tortured. I fucking hate this shit. I need to be up in 12 hours, I’ll be lucky to get to sleep tonight. I’m glad I took a shower so I don’t need to in the morning as I have a feeling it is going to be rushed. I need to catch the bus in the opposite direction I usually take as I got to go to another train station to see my neurologist. It’s an appointment that I need to go to only for her to email my docs about her diagnosis of CRPS. I want her to do it in triplicate for my PCP so I don’t have to go to anymore new docs. I am just seeing the specialist and hopefully he won’t recommend me seeing anyone else because I’ve had it with the profession, except for my psychiatrist of course. I took a strong pain pill. Lord only knows when I will have a bowel movement. I thought it was going to be today but nothing so far. I really hope I don’t get hit tomorrow while I am out and about. I am about an hour and half away from home, 45 mins of which I am on a train the whole time. Just makes me nervous because my bowels can be unpredictable at times and when I need to go, I need to go NOW, there is no holding it in because of my nerve injury. I haven’t taken stuff to go because I am out and about. It is going to suck so bad when I do go. I am not looking forward to it.

Productive Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Productive Sunday

I woke up around 10. I took my BP meds and antibiotic. I should have taken my pain meds but I wasn’t in too much pain. I wanted coffee so I got dressed to go to the store to get some half and half. While I was drinking my coffee, I read some Tom Sawyer. Around noon, I was getting hungry so made something to eat. My foot and mouth were hurting so I took some pain meds as well.

I found out my favorite announcer, Jerry Remy, was going to be on the radio today as NESN, the sports channel for the Sox, were honoring him for his 30 years of service. He isn’t in the booth right now because he had a recurrence of lung cancer. This is his 4th time getting it. He is confident that he will beat it and be back to the booth next year. I listened to the game. They won 5-1 over the Yanks and currently hold a five game lead over them in the AL East standings. I am proud of my boys.

After the game, my foot was hurting me and I was getting drowsy. My mother told me that they would be working on the water pipes this week so the water might be rusty. I decided to take a shower to see if that would wake me up. It made me tired. I didn’t want to nap because I think I am back to my sleep schedule. I took some strong pain meds to try and quiet my foot down but it didn’t make a difference.

I read some more of Tom Sawyer until I finished the book. I feel accomplished as that was one of my goals for the weekend was to finish a book and I did it. I had started a new one last night by Lawrence Block called Sins of the Father. I read it before but forgot what it was about. I read the first chapter and I still don’t remember too much about it. Guess I’ll find out when I read more. I also started Rumble Fish by SE Hinton. I should fly with that book. It is an easy read. When I finish that book, I will read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. It’s the only Harry Potter book I haven’t read. It’s all dialogue as it’s a play. Kind of like reading Shakespeare. I hope it is easy reading.

I need to sleep tonight so I hope this pain goes away soon. I might have to take some more strong pain pills. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. I forgot to take my antibiotic at dinner so I will again be late in taking it. Last night I fell asleep before I took it. I was hoping to wake up before midnight but I didn’t. I woke up around 0330 because my bladder needed to be emptied. Then the pain started. I am getting really despondent about this pain business. I really don’t know how to live like this anymore. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to go back to work or get my degree. But chances of either of those happening is like winning the lottery.

My laptop screen is getting worse. I keep on getting glitches. I need to get it repaired. Luckily I know someone that does computer work so he is going to help me fix it. I really don’t want to send my laptop back to Dell for $300. I need to save some money from now on so I can change my name by my birthday.

I got a busy week this week. I see my therapist tomorrow. I don’t have an agenda of things to talk about. I’ll probably just ramble for 45 minutes and then he’ll say “see you next week”. I honestly don’t know why I bother. If I had any brains, I should have cancelled last week when I had the chance.

I have a hefty grocery bill this month because my mother wanted some things. My stuff alone was around $200 as I had to order ingredients for the things I wish to bake. Plus her things and it’s like $230, the most I have ever spent on groceries. Guess I won’t be eating out this month. I’m going to try and order Chinese food because I haven’t had it in a while. It all depends on what is left over once all my bills are paid. I won’t know until Friday as that is when everything clears. I just hope I have at least $20 so I can get another haircut. I messed it up again when I was shaving the sides and back. It’s all grown back as my hair grows fast but I like it down to the skin.

I took some Neurontin as my foot is going berserk. The whole thing is burning something awful. I hope I sleep late tomorrow so I don’t spend unnecessary hours at Starbucks like I have in the past. I want to leave my house at 2 so I can have my espresso and a sandwich and write a little bit in my journal before catching the train to see my therapist. It’s supposed to be hot tomorrow, yuck. But I guess it is to be expected. There is also an eclipse sometime tomorrow. That will be interesting. I hope I am indoors when it happens. Luckily, Boston is not in the projected path.

no coffee for me!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No coffee for me!

I woke up around 1400. I didn’t get to sleep until 0700. It was a long night. I wanted coffee badly but my half and half went bad. I was too tired to go to the store to buy more and then make another cup. So I am not having coffee and I am very unhappy about it. I’ll go tomorrow to buy more.

I had a sound sleep though for some reason, my head likes to find the space between my two pillows, causing my neck to ache. I probably would still be sleeping if my bladder didn’t wake me up. I am glad I put my phone on “do not disturb” as I had a few messages and one missed phone call. I still am sleepy. I just had lunch and breakfast. I was hungry. I made a turkey, cheese, and cranberry sauce roll up and then had a couple of boiled eggs with toast.

I’ve only been awake for a few hours and already my ankle is killing me from making myself something to eat. FUCK. I took pain meds when I woke up as my mouth was hurting. Now my ankle is exploding. I am going back to bed. Hope I can sleep.

in the pit of despair

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

In the pit of despair

I have been in severe pain since 1500, so basically the last 12 hours because it is now 0315. My foot and ankle have been playing the divide and conquer game, giving me different pain in different parts of my ankle and foot, all at once. I don’t like this game at all. I can’t keep up with the pain and I don’t know what medicine to use to alleviate it. It is very frustrating.

My jaw/face was swollen so I put ice on it. It brought down some of the swelling. It is still giving me a hard time though when I eat as it feels like food is stuck there but it’s not. It’s just inflamed gums. It is so annoying. Tomorrow I go back to using the yucky rinse that causes my tongue to tingle. Fun stuff. The dentist wanted me to use the toothpaste that he gave me but I told him that it hurts to brush just once, let alone twice. He said not to use it on the hurt area. I was like, that area is where you WANT me to use it, which is why you prescribed it to me, ya Schmuck. I am not using the special toothpaste until my mouth is healed. My mouth, my choice.

I am trying not to get depressed but that is easier said than done. I feel my heart imploding and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts and no amount of pain meds can take it away, as if it were that easy. Matters of the heart are never solved by medication. What it is solved by remains a mystery. The internal hurt that never goes away.

I was thinking of my father today. I have been flooded with memories of how he treated me, not all good. For some reason, while trying to organize the pics on my phone, his pics from when I got them loaded on my phone, including the one of him in his casket, are first in the order rather than the most recent ones that I have taken. I never thought I would forgive my father for his wrongdoings because he would never admit that he did something wrong. We were the ones that “made him” do the things to hurt us. As time is going by, and he is no longer here, I am finding a sense of peace from him knowing he can’t hurt me anymore. No more calls, no more threats, no more vengeance to the people he hated. Most people would say that my father is in heaven but I know better. He is either in Hell or purgatory. He never apologized for his sins before he died and he never would because “he did no wrong”. Asshole. But the bastard is on my mind these past few days. I got to put the pics of him in some kind of folder so I don’t come across them so frequently or it is going to drive me mad, well, madder than I already am.

I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook and a depression support group. Both are very busy and take up a lot of my feed. I’m not sure if I am going to stay in the depression group. People there are really rock bottom depressed and it doesn’t make me feel hopeful that things will be better. The other group, I am not sure about either. There is a lot of talk about suicide and suicide attempts though the rules state you can’t be talking about it. I have posted my story and someone there thinks I have season affective disorder because for three months I am depressed and suicidal. Being suicidal is not part of the SAD criteria. I have no other symptoms of being depressed other than being in despair and wanting to end my life, and of course, psychache. Those three symptoms are no where near the SAD criteria so I do not have SAD. It is part of the bipolar cycle. Most people with bipolar disorder will have this downfall about now through the fall. Studies have confirmed it. I think it is in the book Night falls fast or maybe touched with fire both by Kay Redfield Jamison. I am always good at remembering shit like this but not the source. It is my downfall.

Even though I feel despair, I really just feel nothing. I am numb. My heart is so heavy I can’t feel anything. I just want to be done with this. Being in pain sucks every day. One of the groups thought being in physical pain would be better than psychache. I said I thought the same until I had chronic pain and now it just makes me want to end my life all the more. I wonder what keeps me here, from not acting on my feelings and thoughts of suicide. They are frequent but more tolerable. Sometimes it is a passing thought, but tonight it is on my mind a lot. I haven’t picked a date or anything. I haven’t done that in months. In some ways, I think not seeing my ex-therapist has helped me be calmer about my suicidality rather than keep it heightened.

My psychiatrist has been trying to get me into a pain support group for months now and every time we get in touch with the coordinator, we are met with red tape. I really don’t care for this group. It can go to hell. But my psych really wants me to go to it. She thinks it can help me. I rather just not exist anymore. I mean, what is the point? I stay in my room most days and only go out when I have an appointment or feel like getting an espresso. Some days when I don’t leave the house, I don’t even make coffee. It has been having the opposite effect on me lately, making me tired rather than awake. I sleep. I have no friends outside of social media to talk to or hang out with. I am alone. I kind of like it but being in severe pain lately has really spun me around. I have been thinking of the plan that I came up with while in the hospital. I am just too cowardly to do it, I think. I just want to be gone. Away, permanently. Why is that so hard to understand??