Category: mental disorders

Free form blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality

Writing this from phone so who knows if it will substitute words…

My CRPS foot has swelled up. Big toe is huge and foot is a melon. I have no idea why. I might have put more weight on it because of the heel pain in my right foot. Either way I cannot get the damn lower leg to relax enough so I can bloody sleep! Like WTF. I turn it this way and that and the muscles start trembling, in my foot and lower leg. I am fucking tired.

I got about two or three suicide notes to write. I got to find my post that have these lyrics because stupid me didn’t put the date on anything and it is bugging me. I am waiting for meds to kick in. Took another melatonin and ativan. Also took baclofen for the tremors. I don’t know what else to take.

Oh and you should NOT MIX ATIVAN/LORAZEPAM WITH ALCOHOL, LIKE EVER.

Just had to get that off my chest. I have been in bad moods before but this sucks. I am now feeling hopeless things will get better. I have PT tomorrow and no idea if I will be able to walk. I might get my nephew to drive me, if he isn’t doing anything. But not sure he will like going near where my father used to live and I don’t want to trigger him.

I wrote two more notes. Think two more are in order and then I will feel better to those left behind. Still few weeks away. Still may not go through with it. But it is on my mind tonight. Chronic pain is driving this more than anything or anyone else. I am just s hopeless case with bipolar disorder and unbearable pain, physical and emotional. I always knew one day I would die by my own hand. I just wish it was sooner than now. Last year was the right time. I wasted opportunity after opportunity. I just can’t deal with this bullshit anymore. Night after night after night of pain and no sleep. I’ve reached my breaking point. I call uncle.

From 11/22/2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

From 11/22/2015

Around this time, I was having trouble with my therapist. We were fighting over my suicidality. This is just one piece of the pie. Today 13/Feb/19, things haven’t changed. I still feel suicidal. I still want to write that note. I still want to drink that shot. I am seeking oblivion from feeling so empty and hurt. February since 2001 has been filled with anniversaries. The last one of ending both therapists, one temporarily. The other permanently. My heart is broken. I feel unloved. I feel uncared for. I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to. I miss going to Starbucks and writing, even if it was in my journal only.
I just have physical therapy now. My schedule is an open book. Sure I see my psychiatrist every two weeks and will be seeing a new PCP. My life is surrounded my doctor appts.
My heart is aching so bad right now. I don’t think it will ever heal. I think dying is better.

Written 22/Nov/15

Regarding my suicidal career
I have been feeling like I should write a suicide note. I don’t know why this popped into my head tonight. I have been really struggling with suicide the past few days. I have a suicidogenic mother. She just brings it out in me. Tonight she called me “dear”. Last night she was calling me a lazy ass and tonight I am a dear? I know she was being sarcastic. She didn’t mean it. Neither parent ever means what they say so how am I supposed to believe them?
I sometimes don’t trust what my sister says either. I am not an emotional person. I just feel cut off from my feelings sometimes. Other times I am just so depressed I can’t do anything. I feel suicidal and that is all that I will feel. I don’t feel angry, I feel hurt most of the time.
I have been avoiding Twitter tonight because I am TiVo’g the American Music Awards and I don’t want to hear about it until I watch it. It’s so hard not being on Twitter. I would so love to tweet some more lyrics of Eric Church.
I am struggling with my suicidality. It would be so easy to die right now. And no one would know until the morning. But I don’t know how to kill myself. That is the whole fucking problem. I don’t have a gun or a high place. I don’t even have a beam to hang myself from. And you can’t die by wishing it. I tried that many a times and I am still here. I feel embarrassed that I told my cousins that I was poor. I don’t know why I told them that. It just came up and I blurted it out without thinking. Now they think whatever they think of me. They probably think I am a loser. That is bothering me, too. I feel like such a jerk. I really want to drink my problems away but I know that won’t help. Plus I just took my pain medication so that wouldn’t be a great idea. My therapist would have a cow if I drank and had my pain meds. She nearly had a coronary the last time I drank and took the meds. All it was, was two pain pills and a shot or two of gin. I didn’t even get drunk. I just slept really good. I don’t think I took my night meds. Tonight I took my night meds so no drinking. I hate that I am so strict with myself about alcohol. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would love some honey whiskey. I have decided that for my birthday I am having 4 shots of whiskey, one for each decade I am alive, that is if I am still around. Tomorrow will mark one month till D-Day. I am so disgusted with myself for living this long. I never wanted to be an adult. I just really hate myself.
My cousin called me tonight. Left me a message saying where am I, how am I doing, the usual bullshit I hear from him when he doesn’t call me every night. He wants me to call him in the morning. HA, I had to laugh. He won’t be up. He is the one that is healthy but has bipolar disorder. He also is the one that calls me when my mother has groceries. I don’t like talking with him because he never understands the depth of my depressions. He doesn’t get suicidal with his depressions. He just barely functions (according to him) but he does the shopping with my mother and my aunt. He takes care of himself pretty good. Better than I do. I barely left the bed today. Only time I left my room today was to make something to eat or to have dinner with my mother. I didn’t even pee that much today because I haven’t been drinking any fluids. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is always orange. I have no thirst. I am past that. Sometimes I will get thirsty but it’s rare. I bought some orangata by San Pellangrino. I like it. Maybe it will help my dehydration. My grocery bill is over $200. I bought a lot of oatmeal and pancake stuff. I like getting the big stuff because I make a lot of oatmeal pancakes. I also like the simply orange juice and juice isn’t cheap anymore. My mother won’t buy it because it’s more than $3. I also bought a 9×13 pan that was on sale. But those pans are hard to find so I hope it doesn’t crack. It’s a pyrex dish with a cover. I bought it to make my brownies for my birthday. I figure I might as well have what I want for my birthday and this year I want a brownie cake with cool whip and cherries on top. All my mother has to do is mix it and put it in the pan. She also needs to buy the cool whip. I don’t know how long it stays so I figure when it gets closer to my day, she can get it. This is if I make it to my birthday

Ambling swears continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

am still around. Haven’t looked at saws on Amazon, yet. Foot is acting up and my mother is being noisy as hell. Fuck! Had a rough night sleeping. I am tired as fuck. Bowels are exploding. No idea why. Just took meds to sleep the day away. Don’t care because my alternative isn’t pretty. I am sick of being in pain 24/7. Just fucking shoot me now. I can’t go on like this and the weather is going to be painful as hell. So this is how my morning is going. Back in the gutter. Putting plan in motion when I wake up. So tired of insomnia, no pun intended. Ok enough rambling, for now

On phone blog: darkness has returned

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I’ve been down since last night. With not knowing how my allergic reaction was going to go, I asked my mother to check on me before she went to bed. I was still up when she came upstairs. She didn’t check on me and I felt so hurt. I really think I don’t matter to her anymore. She just expects me to give her half my check for the mortgage and that is all. Maybe go to the store for her for a few things but that is it.

I wish I had a car so I could leave. I would just drive off and not sure where I would go. I just feel like no one cares in my own family. My sister just expects me to go up and down the stairs like they are nothing. I am tired of being used essentially. They only call or talk if they have a problem or need something to be done.

I feel so down. Going to tell my mother no party this year for my birthday. Fuck them. My day so I don’t want to be around them. Maybe I will have a virtual party with my online friends. That will be cool.

I haven’t done anything today but stay on bed. I really haven’t felt well. I had to take some benadryl because my throat was feeling funny. That made me tired so I just stayed in bed all day. I woke up around 2 freezing. I don’t know why. It was 22 degrees out but I had a long sleeve shirt and blanket on. I put on a heavier shirt and my heavier Red Sox throw. Woke up a few hours later sweating. Can’t win. I should open my window so I can get some air. I just don’t feel like moving stuff to get to the window.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent him the link to my blog and now I regret it. I didn’t think. Oh well, maybe he won’t think to read it that often. I got off about him a lot here. Hate to think my space for venting is now compromised.

I wanted to make coffee using the Keurig but decided not to. Then I found out my sis bought a k-cup holder. Shit. I bought her one, too. If she doesn’t want it, I will just return it.

I never showered today. I never had the energy to do it. Maybe tomorrow. I bought some new soaps from a friend that makes them. Both are made with goat milk. One is lavender and the other is rose clay. Smells so awesome. My mother took the hand spray shower head out so now we have a regular shower head. Boring. But I think it will be better. My mother always gets what she wants. I just hope she keeps the seat clear, or i will fight her on it. I need the seat because I sometimes do need to sit while showering.

I am so tired and feeling shitty. Was talking to a friend last night. She kind of got on my nerves because she is so interested in my transition and how my mother is taking it. None of her damn business. I don’t know why I tell her. My mother doesn’t know I am taking hormones. She doesn’t need to.

That is the other thing. My sisters haven’t asked one thing how it is going. They still don’t use the right pronouns. They will call me G at least. But if my mother doesn’t get it, they will say my birth name. I am so frustrated with it all. I rather be fucking dead. Just can’t handle another depression and my family not accepting me as me. I’m so tired of it. Tired of being in pain, too. Just want to end it.