Category: mood disorders

still in a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Still in a flare

I’ve been in a flare the past several days. Ankle is being stabbed repeatedly along with the 3-5 metatarsals being crushed. I took some hydroxyzine last night and omg I can’t take the shit anymore. I am so hung over. I might as well have taken tequila. My head is still hurting, right where I whacked it the past few hours. I took some Tylenol. I haven’t eaten so haven’t taken ibuprofen or naproxen. I decided to give naproxen a try as it last longer, well is supposed to anyway. I still need to take something for the headaches. I also feel like I am coming down with something. Not sure what. I think it is bronchitis as been wheezing at times. I am not an asthmatic so the wheezing is usually because of infection. It’s not all the time though. I don’t have an inhaler. I could use my mother’s, though I am not sure how old it is. I had one the last time I got this kind of sick but no idea where I put the inhaler. Probably in my jacket pocket or something. Throat is sore from all the clearing of the throat and cough. I have to call my pcp tomorrow.

Been feeling really shitty mood wise. I sent my therapist an article about suicide that my friend wrote. I am actually supposed to meet with him sometime this week. Not sure it is going to happen. I am feeling suicidal and apparently, one of my blogs I wrote last week which said how I was going to do it. Being in a concussion and not remembering what the fuck I write, I sent this blog to my therapist. Fuck. I took out the incriminating piece so that it cannot be used against me. But I know she knows.

Because of the medication, I have been going on my own today though I am not 100% sure I am emptying my bladder when I go. I was not sleeping through the night because of the of bladder. I know I woke up at midnight all fucking confused and staring at the time, wondering why it was midnight. I have no idea what time I went to sleep. I know tonight I am just taking my meds and nothing more. If I do, it will just be melatonin. I’m almost maxed out on my pain meds for the day. Fucking hate that I can only take two a day when I am in a lot of fucking pain. I have to space it out or I just don’t get to take anything. Sometimes I can take two if it is at night but most of the times, my flares are during waking hours so have to take something to get through. Then pain is unbearable at night, causing me to be up all night or afraid to go to sleep because of increase pain upon lying down. But this concussion is making everything so much worse. I emailed my neurologist the other night, I think when I was up all night because I just couldn’t sleep. I went to bed around 7 am yesterday morning. Things have been foggy. And my damn mother has been calling me like crazy. Thank god I blocked her because her ringtone annoys me (yes that is why I have it LOL).

no decision making sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

No decision making sucks

I met with my therapist yesterday and the first thing she said to me was no decision making. I wanted to cry. I laughed instead. She asked why I was laughing. I honestly have no idea what I said but throughout the session, I kept giggling despite this being a serious thing. She said I shouldn’t go shopping either but I already spent a hundred bucks at Amazon because Christmas isn’t going to wait till I get over my head being bruised. I asked her about what we are to do therapy wise as I had wanted to start trauma therapy but she nixed that. Not until the new year. Great. She isn’t or doesn’t want me to think basically. I am supposed to limit my time online and stay in a dark room. I tried doing that for a while and it sucks when you are in a flare! My damn ankle is being such a fink. Also my bladder function seems to have stopped along with the pain meds being effective. I am getting hopeless really bad. The feelings of despair are hitting me and I really want to go to my happy place tomorrow. I told the therapist I wouldn’t but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

I had bought a three pack of thermal socks a couple of months ago. When I changed my sheets, I put them somewhere. I cannot find the place I put them anywhere. I checked all my drawers. They aren’t washed so not in clean clothes pile. I ordered some more socks as I swear there is only two pairs I have been wearing when I go out. No idea where the rest of them went. I had bought 2 6-packs a year ago. These two are what is left. Maybe the washing machine ate them. I don’t know.

I needed this concussion like I need…actually, I don’t even know. I hate the headaches. I have some memory problems that are worse than it was before I hit my head. I have to keep track of the hours in between voids because I went nearly 9 hours before I realized it had been a while since I last peed. All this shit to keep track of and if you lose track of one thing, you are fucked. And the shit I am talking about are meds and body functions. I literally need to write down the time I take the breakthrough med or I won’t remember when I last took it. Same goes with the Tylenol and ibuprofen I have been taking. The NP psychopharm said to take them every six hours but space them three hours apart. HA, only way for me to remember that is by putting it in my app and that is NOT happening. I’ll take them together like I did before. I find it works better for me. I read the ED visit discharge and apparently I am supposed to take naproxen but I don’t like it. I like ibuprofen better, though I have to eat when I take it or my stomach is going to HATE me. I also got to keep track of the bowels. Fuck. Always need to keep track of those suckers. Think if I don’t go tonight, I will have to take miralax again. I just bought some more because I am running low. Thank god Amazon has it at a better price than Walgreens or CVS for a big thing. I think my appetite is slowly coming back as I had a burger today. I am even getting craving for Chinese food though I don’t know what to order. I really want to go to the one down the street where I can get like a combo meal for ten bucks or so.

concussion and other shit going on

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Concussion and other shit going on

Yesterday morning I went to the ED as I had such a severe headache. I got it around 2pm and it got worse despite medication. By 3 am I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was up for 30 hours before I finally passed out. I was diagnosed with concussion and sent home with orders to brain rest. I had severe ankle pain today and decided that I am not going to be celebrating my birthday. I am in too much fucking pain and I am tired of being disabled.

I am supposed to see my therapist tomorrow. I guess after 5 months, I can call her “my” therapist. I was putting it off because I thought she would run from me by now. I like her so I am terrified she isn’t going to stay. People I like don’t tend to stay long when they work in public places. It’s like when your favorite coffee shop has that favorite pastry and then one day they no longer have it. It is sad.

I have the biggest headache the past few hours due to this damn concussion. I fell last Thursday, whacked my head off the cement sidewalk pretty damn hard it knocked my glasses off my face. This week it knocked my appetite out. I haven’t eaten too much the past week. I had a mocha and cookie today. It was 9 hours before I realized I haven’t peed. I am going to drain my bladder again before bed because I got a spasm while I was cathing a few hours ago. I hate this new life of mine and I don’t want it. I had zero urge to pee since this morning and even then I forced myself to pee. Kind of helped that I had to move my bowels. Got two things done at once. Then I showered. Only thing I didn’t do today was brush my teeth and my head hurts too much for that.

I saw my NP psychopharm today. She ordered some blood work I was supposed to get done today but decided to have done tomorrow morning. I thought she was going to order an Invega level but it isn’t on the paperwork. She wants a prolactin level, which I thought was weird. I am not having symptoms of galactorrhea. But whatever. She is also checking A1c level for diabetes. This will be like the 6th time this year I have had this test done. I am not worried about it as the level is near 5 which is normal. I think it needs to be greater than 6 to be in diabetes land.

I am tired but I wanted to let you guys know I am still around, least for now. I probably won’t be that much longer though. CRPS has won.

horrible Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Horrible Monday

I woke up around 0300. My arms felt like spaghetti and were very spastic. I wasn’t fully awake but as I haven’t eaten in 24 hours, I thought it was due to low blood sugar. I had some M&Ms and Gatorade. By 5 I was no better and realized it was side effects from the Invega so I took an Ativan. That didn’t work so I took 25 mg of diphenhydramine. I was sleepy and my mother had a freezer delivery today so I had to be up but my body was like fuck you after I took sedating drugs. I just wanted to sleep. I also wanted to shower but that wasn’t happening with delivery men coming to the house. I just could not get going. I finally forced myself to wash up at least. The cool water on my face helped. I then got dressed to go to my appointment.

The appointment was for my neurosurgeon to discuss the MRIs I had Saturday. It was more of me sitting in the waiting room for a half hour for the surgeon to come and tell me the radiologist didn’t do what he wanted so now has to play politics with the two hospitals and figure out how to see my spinal cord the way he wants to. So I don’t need surgery, yet. But I don’t think he liked the lumbar spine. Something the way he said it made it seem it was bad. I had taken a fall Thurs so maybe something shifted. I don’t expect to get a report of the MRIs until next week in the patient web thing. So frustrating. Then I had therapy.

I swear time was dilated the whole time I was with my therapist! It just seemed to inch along. I felt like I was there for more than 45 minutes but I wasn’t. We talked about the blog I sent her. She didn’t feel comfortable reading it through as it felt like she was invading my private thoughts even though it is for the world to see. I respect that she was respecting me that way. She just skimmed the blogs that I have sent her. She said that my writing it is a tool to cope. We came up with a plan. I get to talk about my abusive relationship with my 2nd ex. I think if I air it out some, I might feel better because she is taking a lot of head space and I don’t like it. Doesn’t also help that every fucking time I touch myself I think of her touching me that way and being abusive toward me. The therapist wants me to write about the fear. I have decided to keep a notebook about this kind of work than make it online. She also thinks I have a concussion. I played along with her on this until I was on my way home and my head exploded. I was sensitive to light and sound as well as had ringing in my ears. I had the worst headache and I still have it. I think going out today was a trigger. I am not doing anything tomorrow so I am just going to rest.

I came home and I was freezing. I just wanted to nap. I tried and couldn’t. My mother called me asking if I called the delivery place because the freezer was too big to carry up the stairs. They couldn’t get it around the bend in the stairway. So now I got to order another freezer. I just laid down and tried to rest. I haven’t eaten anything since Saturday. Yesterday I slept all day so didn’t eat. I wasn’t hungry. Today I should be starving but I am not. My foot is flared up so cooking is out. I am so frustrated by this. I know I probably shouldn’t be but I am. I hate that any activity I do lately has been causing me pain. I am so on the edge with suicidality.

Therapist and I agreed to meet twice a week until she is on vacation again. We are going to try it to see if it helps and also keep me accountable to the writing she wants me to do. I don’t have the mental space to write what she wants today. I am so tapped out and lethargic from not sleeping and the headache is making my concentration terrible.